How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[What_Next]

Surfer that is what I have noticed from you as well and I even mentioned it in our PM. You need to stand up straight and put your back into it... She needs to know just how royally she f'd up. She needs to know that if she EVER even dreams of pulling this s__t again, you'll drop her in a second.

 

I brought Donewrong to this place for a reason. I wanted her to read my thread and to see just what she put me through. I wanted her to see how her SELFISH actions affected me and all aspects of my life. Not only that I wanted her to realize that there is a support system out there and if she thought I would be pining away for her for the rest of my days she was sadly mistaken. It has had the effect I wanted.

 

Now I need to take a page from your book in terms of offering Donewrong a little lighter side of me. I try, but it is awfully hard. I have made my point in spades to her about what she did and what I will accept from now on. I need to learn to take the edge off a little.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: I think we both need to take a bit from eachothers perspectives and actions. I need to be more firm now. You need to be softer. I think you have made your point with Donewrong.. I think it is time to give her some warmth. Good luck pal.. I guess what better time than the holidays?

[Surfer203]

It is funny in MC.. I notice our therapst really stares at her when she is talking or when I am talking and she is looking at me. He is really analyzing her I think.. just an interesting thing I noticed.

[What_Next]

Surfer, I also wanted to pass along that it is OK to say "this therapist is NOT for us or me". You are buying a service. If the therapist doesn't deliver then stop going and find someone else.

 

So far Donewrong and I have seen 2 MC. Neither worked for me and in fact I highly doubt I'll ever attend MC again. Just doesn't work for me. I might go to some IC though.

[Surfer203]

I hear you.. I would not be afraid to find another therapist if I was not happy.

 

My therapist did recommend that I continue IC though, maybe not as frequently but occasionaly. I think that is a smart idea. We need to be able to vent with out our spouses there.

[2themoon&back]

Surfer that is what I have noticed from you as well and I even mentioned it in our PM. You need to stand up straight and put your back into it... She needs to know just how royally she f'd up. She needs to know that if she EVER even dreams of pulling this s__t again, you'll drop her in a second.

 

I brought Donewrong to this place for a reason. I wanted her to read my thread and to see just what she put me through. I wanted her to see how her SELFISH actions affected me and all aspects of my life. Not only that I wanted her to realize that there is a support system out there and if she thought I would be pining away for her for the rest of my days she was sadly mistaken. It has had the effect I wanted.

 

Now I need to take a page from your book in terms of offering Donewrong a little lighter side of me. I try, but it is awfully hard. I have made my point in spades to her about what she did and what I will accept from now on. I need to learn to take the edge off a little.

 

 

I am so tipped to say anything, but I must so here I go off into dark waters, and if I offend you in anyway please let me say in advance I am sorry that is not my intention.

 

I have been reading along here in sufers, thread and my heart goes out to you, because you are trying so hard as well as donewrong, to do “the work”, it shows in your post and yet you struggle. What I think and I use this word loosely here, is that you are just not ready to move past the hurt you feel, not because you have not made your point or lack of love, but because of what it may or may not say to you about you?

 

If you move to far forward does that mean all is well and good, no, it just may mean you have found true forgiveness and that is all about you not the other person.

 

I have always been taught that forgiveness is for us to be free of harboring ill fillings towards someone else and releases the forgiver from this, not the OP of their actions. I do hope for the holiday, you will enjoy the moment no more and no less.

 

As in sufer’s case he is more willing to do this maybe sooner than he needs to, as his MC is telling him, and that may hurt him in the long run of things, with setting new boundaries for him not his wife.

 

This again is just a suggestion not a requirement to take any insight from me. I hope that I was more helpful than disruptive.

[Surfer203]

I have set some boundries... for sure. I will continue to set boundries, this is not over. My approach to this is just more gentle. I believe that is what my wife and I need. I think resentment and a cold attitiude is not going to mend our marriage.

[2themoon&back]

I have set some boundries... for sure. I will continue to set boundries, this is not over. My approach to this is just more gentle. I believe that is what my wife and I need. I think resentment and a cold attitiude is not going to mend our marriage.

 

 

I am happy for you and believe this (bolded) to be the most important.

 

Have a wonderful holiday.

[Surfer203]

Thanks mate! Agreed.

[What_Next]

2themoon&back, never worry about offending, just speak your mind....

 

Surfer is actually showing me that I must learn to show the softer side of me to Donewrong. I am going to definitely try.

 

I think the fundamental difference between he and I is that he is very willing to mend his marriage. I am not. I really don't want to "fix" my marriage. It's over. It ended when she cheated. I was part of that downfall and accept it. I want a new relationship. I don't want the old one since it was so fundamentally broken.

 

I am finding this process very enlightening actually and I know that when all is said and done that even if it doesn't work out between my wife and I that I will be better for it.

[Surfer203]

Yeah.. there are some differences with our approaches. Again, we both need to flex a bit with how we are acting towards our wives.

[2themoon&back]

2themoon&back, never worry about offending, just speak your mind....

 

Surfer is actually showing me that I must learn to show the softer side of me to Donewrong. I am going to definitely try.

 

I think the fundamental difference between he and I is that he is very willing to mend his marriage. I am not. I really don't want to "fix" my marriage. It's over. It ended when she cheated. I was part of that downfall and accept it. I want a new relationship. I don't want the old one since it was so fundamentally broken.

 

I am finding this process very enlightening actually and I know that when all is said and done that even if it doesn't work out between my wife and I that I will be better for it.

 

 

What you have said here is so wonderful in the fact that you are proof of the pudding to say that when we take care of ourselves no one else has too and everyone will be better off for that.

 

By your words here they say you do have such a great grasp of what you want and knowing who you are …. so to me I believe you already are better off.

 

Sufer, your gentle way is kind to say the very least how lucky your W is to have that.

 

 

The best of luck to you both and your respective S's.

[Surfer203]

Thanks a lot 2themoon&back.

[controlledchaos]

what's_ next, that's good to hear you can recognize and acknowledge where you need to work. i don't think you're anything like my husband, but you sound like you might share some similar traits, and that's why i think that a more gentler approach might work for you. i don't necessarily think surfer is being firm enough, but i have no idea what his words and actions are at home. but, again, as a woman i know how i feel when i feel emotionally safe vs. not.

 

my H told me to leave. i was prepared to do just that. i spent so much time trying to maintain a marriage alone. he is not a good listener, and he's even worse at any sort of validation. so, we didn't have the best marriage. things were not always bad, but they were usually NOT good. about 2.5 months after he told me to leave ( and i was planning for once the kids were done w the school year) he accused me of having an emotional affair, after we agreed to separate.

 

instead of treating me with any sort of love or kindness, he just got meaner and meaner. nothing was safe for me to say. there was no safe place to talk. even after he moved out and we had space, it wasn't safe. even in MC it wasn't safe. i was terrified on our drives home.

 

if i had felt safe at any point we might have been able to have a meaningful and productive conversation. that just never happened.

 

i will also add, that if you have issues validation your wife's feelings, figure out how to do that. you don't have to agree with them, but they are her feelings and she needs to know that she can safely express them to you without you telling her she's wrong, or doesn't get it, or doesn't make sense.

 

the mirroring thing is a VERY good tool! seems silly but, it's very effective! i couldn't get my H into that kind of stuff. he thought it was pointless and dumb. you make sure you are both hearing each other correctly. it can avoid situations like the above where one person is telling the other, days or weeks later, " that's not what i said, you got it all wrong."

 

i totally get where you're coming from on the mending vs. starting a new relationship. that's basically where i was in the spring when my H asked me on a date. there was no way i going to try and "fix" the marriage. it was not good. if we were starting over we were starting at square one and moving forward like it was the first time. our first date was our last. if we hadn't been husband and wife on that date there was NO WAY i'd ever go out with that guy again. he reduced me to tears in public then smirked and walked away, and didn't speak to me the whole drive home ( almost a hour in the car)........... not the most endearing way to treat a date or get a second date for that matter!

 

surfer, i think it's great that you're able to not only help her see what needs fixing, but see it in yourself as well. i do hope your wife is able to figure out WHY she did this, so that she can avoid repeating it. i wish you both the best of luck with MC and IC as well! i know i learned a TON about myself through IC and a support group. it's really quite amazing what someone asking the right questions can make you uncover about yourself! what's_next, i suggest IC if you're not going to do MC. i'm not a "counselor" fan, but i have been very pleasantly surprised on what i have learned so far!!!

[Surfer203]

My wife is also considering going to a hypnotist. A reputable one recommended by our MC. The hynotherapist believes it may unlock the reason that my wife did this.. which is something she claims not to know. So.. I am interested to see what they may uncover. However, I am also scared of what it may uncover. Hopefully just something that can be addressed and acknowledged and not something that will destroy our chance of a future together.

[imagine]

Hypnotist?

 

Heck man, she made a choice. Very poor boundaries. C'mon dude!

 

Time that you two got together and established boundaries in your marriage -for both of you. Work out consequences together, don't fight about it. Call us if you have problems.

[controlledchaos]

hmmm, well hey if it works why not!?! i don't have much knowledge for hypo anything....... i have one friend who used it for childbirth, but that's HARDLY the same thing! ;-)

 

see, you accepting that as an option for her to work through this and figure stuff out is such a grown up way to deal with your situation, and her issues. for my H, almost everything i suggest was "dumb." a waste of his time and mine, and just not worth it.

 

here is an example of his maturity level. he created a new email to email me from. it's [email protected]. i won't email him back there. it just makes me sad.

[Surfer203]

She can see a hypnotist if she wants.. what is wrong with that? It is a bonafied area of psychology.. it is not bulls***. How is this an issue of boundries? She is her own person, she can do whatever she wants and I do not see that as a bad thing what so ever. Whatever is necessary to gain some focus on what happened can't hurt.

[Breakupguy12]

he is very willing to mend his marriage. I am not. I really don't want to "fix" my marriage. It's over. It ended when she cheated. I was part of that downfall and accept it. I want a new relationship.

 

Bingo! That's one of the most important parts of the getting back together/move on conversation that many people miss. BOTH parties have to want to make it work, it can't be a one-way street. I applaud you for knowing what you want and what's best for you.

 

Another thing is that it sounds like you're sure that what the other party did is something that you can't get over. Nothing wrong with that at all. You know you better than anyone else does, so you're making your decision based on that. Bottom line, some people can get over some things, and others can't. No two people are wired exactly the same way.

[imagine]

She can see a hypnotist if she wants.. what is wrong with that? It is a bonafied area of psychology.. it is not bulls***. How is this an issue of boundries? She is her own person, she can do whatever she wants and I do not see that as a bad thing what so ever. Whatever is necessary to gain some focus on what happened can't hurt.

 

Of course she can see a hypnotist. But why? The answer is obvious.

 

Boundaries are meeting your wedding vows. She crossed the line. Neither of you have negotiated the consequences, until now.

What happens if she has a private telephone call with another man or goes for a drink with him later. What are the consequences?

 

No! The answer is NOT divorce each time. There is exposure, cutting off communications, marriage counseling. Choose now together-for both of you.

[What_Next]

Surfer, I admire your openness that's for sure. If my wife suggested that I'd likely bust a gut... Just not my thing I guess. To each their own. Whatever works for you.

 

controlledchaos, thanks for the words, I do appreciate them. As for her feeling "safe" expressing her opinions and thoughts; well she is free to speak her mind. I am free to express mine. If she says something that I don't feel makes sense I will say so. Sorry but that's just me... If she EVER tries to justify her affair I'll kick her a$$ to the curb and won't think twice. Explain what she was thinking at the time, sure, but justify it, HELL NO.

 

Surfer and I are together learning all sorts of new things about our own personalities and even our wives to a certain extent. He is ahead of the game somewhat, but I have cautioned him and will continue to caution him to NOT believe everything his wife says. In fact I'd believe NOTHING at all without direct verifiable proof. That's just me though. Everyone has their own thought process. I do know that my wife will never again catch me off guard, nor will she ever back me into a corner. Our finances are seperate, we will live in seperate places for the next year and that makes me not have to think about that, which in turn allows me to focus on ME and even US.

[ComputerJock]

Sufer I have been following your posts since day one. I only have one question. Please don't get mad. I know you said you had her tested for STD's, but did you have her take a Pregnancy test? I would hate to think she came home to lay another mans egg in your hen coop. You are a better man than me as is anyone who could take back a cheater. Mine went back to durgs and that lifestyle and gave her kids from her previous boyfriend to the state to have them care for them.

[Darth Vader]

It is funny in MC.. I notice our therapst really stares at her when she is talking or when I am talking and she is looking at me. He is really analyzing her I think.. just an interesting thing I noticed.

 

 

Is he checking her out? I'm wondering here......

[Surfer203]

Computerjack: No she has not had a pregnancy test yet. She has had her period since she has been back though. Also, we have yet to have sex. Not sure when that will happen again.

 

Darth: Maybe he was checking her out, haha. I am not worried though he is about 50 and walks with a limp.

[Ms. Red]

Computerjack: No she has not had a pregnancy test yet. She has had her period since she has been back though. Also, we have yet to have sex. Not sure when that will happen again.

 

Darth: Maybe he was checking her out, haha. I am not worried though he is about 50 and walks with a limp.

 

I walk with a limp. WTF is that supposed to mean?