How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

I meant nothing bad by it - sorry if I offended you!

[hopesndreams]

Computerjack: No she has not had a pregnancy test yet. She has had her period since she has been back though. Also, we have yet to have sex. Not sure when that will happen again.

 

Darth: Maybe he was checking her out, haha. I am not worried though he is about 50 and walks with a limp.

 

So, if he was 6', dark hair, blue eyes, athletic, perfect smile..you would be worried?

 

Also, we have yet to have sex.

 

How come?

[Surfer203]

No.. I still wouldn't be worried, I was kidding around. I think she is totally on board with me now.. I don't think she will stray again.

 

As far as sex goes.. hmm not really sure why, I have tried a few times. to initiate with her. Maybe she is hating herself for sleeping with another man and is not ready to have sex with me? I don't know.. I was actually going to talk to her about it - starting to get kind of annoyed.. maybe my expectation are too high though?

[debtman]

hopesndreams,

 

Not to speak for surfer203, but I would imagine that the return to sex would be bittersweet until they deal with/talk about some of the issues and feelings that will surface during that.

 

Haven't ever slept with someone who has cheated on me, but the idea of sleeping with my stbx after she's been sleeping with someone else for the past 2 months turns my stomach. While the physical attraction is still there, the emotional scars are deep and the betrayal and hurt certainly creates a physical reaction.

 

But, it's like Breakupguy12 said, people are wired differently. What_Next is certainly aware of this and recognizes that, for things to work with his W, they need to start over, not rebuild, so he's coming from a different place...and then there's starting2wakeup, who's even more confused in his situation now that he and his wife slept together (sorry, another thread, but it has relevance)...anyway, careful with sex, it's a big physical commitment that, while pleasant, implies another level of acceptance and return to "normalcy."

[Surfer203]

debtman: You can speak for me in this instance because you are right. It is a big step.. it has only been two weeks since she has been back. This is a huge deal to me. I want it to be right when it happens.. for both of us. Don't want to rush anything if she is not comfortable. But, I think I should bring it up - "why haven't we yet?" and see what she has to say.

[debtman]

I don't know.. I was actually going to talk to her about it - starting to get kind of annoyed.. maybe my expectation are too high though?

 

Here's the KEY, TALK TO HER ABOUT IT! To rebuild, I would think you need to feel like you're in each other's heads all the time, if you wonder what she's thinking, ask. She may not have an answer right away, but it should get her thinking, something to bring up in the next MC. Remember MC is supposed to initiate open communication and be a "safe" place to bring up things that need to be discussed, but the discussion should be ongoing, outside of MC.

 

Sounds like you're both feet right back in, which I understand, I was there myself 1 1/2 years ago when she decided we could "work things out," but, we (including me) didn't WORK to keep things open and she just felt more and more alone, even though we were together and I was physically there, but not emotionally available...it WON'T work that way, not for long, not if you REALLY want to build a meaningful, lasting RELATIONSHIP.

 

It's a balance...good luck...

[hopesndreams]

IMO, sexual intimacy should play a huge part in rebuilding the relationship. I don't see how your expectations are too high AT ALL. There's gotta be a reason why she is holding back. Quit being passive. Talk to her about it.

 

I don't think she will stray again.

 

Your W didn't just stray Surfer. She actually left you for OM and was living with him for 5 months.

[debtman]

Your W didn't just stray Surfer. She actually left you for OM and was living with him for 5 months.

 

DON'T FORGET THAT!! Remember, before she left, I'm SURE you would have said: "I don't think she will stray..."

 

 

 

 

[Surfer203]

No, no.. she was gone for about 7-8 weeks maximum. Anyway, I know what you both are saying.

 

I agree, time to have a talk about this.

[SilentWarrior]

I recently read through all this thread Surfer which I found by accident and I have to say my heart has gone out to you a thousand times.

 

You have really been through the mill and congratulations to you for staying sane and not becoming a toxic person. I admire the love you have inside you although I'm uncertain whether it will work out for you or if it's even the right thing for you but I sincerely hope it is.

 

I do believe in love - but not at the expense of a person being abused or continually hurt and I sincerely wish you all the best luck and happiness and this will draw a line under your previous situation.

 

I do think you maybe are a more naturally passive and not aggressive person and although this is probably very good for the most part and to be admired, be careful to avoid getting trod on.

 

I'd look at some avenue for expressing pent up anger as over the course of this thread, understandably, you have had periods of anger and I honestly don't think that will just disappear overnight even if you tuck it down inside.

 

I think the MC and IC are excellent ideas as well as maybe doing some physical training or sport to look after yourself and also meditation is excellent as is yoga. If you are a believer look to God and your heart.

 

As a preventative of further damage at this early stage I (from a female perspective) would recommend separating your finances completely and keeping it that way for a good long time and protecting yourself. It may feel like a lack of trust but it is really just being smart and looking out for yourself and if all works out it wont have done any harm at all.

 

I also agree with the other posters about all her communications being freely open and available to you and a complete cut off of any NY talk or friends and certainly from the om.

 

I have never been in your situation and don't wish to sound harsh but she can sleep with another man after no time at all but she comes back after all that and is not letting you?? This seems off to me. Maybe she just wants things to be on a good emotional basis between you before the physical is reintroduced and that would be a good thing but only if that is the reason.

 

I hope this New Year brings you the fresh start you need and if you have any troubles I'm sure this bunch of supersavvy posters can sort you out even if a lot of them are quite cynical.

 

Love to you both

[Surfer203]

Silent Warrior: Thank you so much for reading my thread and all of your kind, encoraging words.

 

I will say that I am doing or TRYING to do pretty much everything you listed. You are spot on though - I am a very passive person, I have learned through this ordeal that I need to be more assertive and step it up. I have known this for a long time, now I have a real reason to do it. To keep myself where I am mentally and not to show my wife that I am worth any less than the best.

 

We are doing MC and IC now.. it is going well. The MC believes that we are off to a good start, building a solid foundation. I put a lot of value in counseling.

 

I think the sex thing may be what you are saying.. she wants to take it slow. I guess to jump right back in may satisfy some urges but it may not be the right thing to do. We have to build our relationship and feel comfortable with eachother in that way. I think she is really ashamed at what she did and it may be too soon.

 

I really appreciate your kind words.. your support as well as everone else here on LS is great. Makes me smile and want to keep moving forward in a positive direction.

 

Happy New Year to all - best of luck in 2011 my friends.

[hanging on for now]

Well.. I had another thread about my situation. This one will focus on this question.. how do I stay sane and not obsess about my wife during this period of her reflection. She is heading back home to her parents tomorrow for about 5 days to make a decision and clear her head a bit. Should I avoid contacting her? Should I contact her before she leaves to wish her a safe flight, etc.? How do I occupy my mind and worries when I know inevitably at the end of this I will probably have an outcome on our future?

 

Please help, this week is going to be crazy and worrysome to no end.

 

I'm right there with you fella and unfortunately there isn't a proper answer in spite of all the other posts. My wife moved out in August and was screwing the bum during August and September. Finally In October she cooled his jets as she started to feel guilty and noticed that he wasn't quite as wonderful as she first thought. The fact that his wife didn't know should have been a clue, just saying. Anyway, I have been in contact consistently during this time, probably as much as 5 days a week. It might not have been wise but I just had to let her know that I loved her and wanted her back. Mind you, I didn't know about the active affair when it was happening. I think hearing my voice, seeing my text helped push the guilt to the forfront. But I also realize that some women would push back and this would not be the answer. I guess ultimately if you want her back, follow your heart but don't completely turn off what your brain is telling you. It is conditioned to see what is happening and make decisions. Your heart can lead you off a cliff. I'm at its edge right now and will hopefully know in the next few months if what I did was right. Good luck.

[Surfer203]

Thanks for your comments.

 

Here are some updates.. we have fought a little bit, about different things, sex, work, happiness. Last night she was criticizing herself, she had gained 10 lbs in the last 2 months.. I told her to stop attacking herself. I guess she is in a negative mindset right now because she feels bad about what she did to me. So, she is getting on herself about that too. Which, is inevitable - but I think she may be going to hard on herself. She said she is unhappy.. I asked if it was "us" that she was unhappy about. But no, it basically seems she is unhappy with not having a job currently and not wanting to just settle for a job, she wants to do something special. Blah blah, basically she wants to work in the fashion industry some how. We got in a fight and basically I told her I felt if she went to a job like that I would be losing her again to the world that she escaped to before.. the world with the model boyfriend and friends. She told me that is not a possibility.. and I am relating the two but should not. She also assured me that she would never do what she did to me again. However, the unhappiness worries me a little bit. Any advice?

[bornb4thewind]

Thanks for your comments.

 

Here are some updates.. we have fought a little bit, about different things, sex, work, happiness. Last night she was criticizing herself, she had gained 10 lbs in the last 2 months.. I told her to stop attacking herself. I guess she is in a negative mindset right now because she feels bad about what she did to me. So, she is getting on herself about that too. Which, is inevitable - but I think she may be going to hard on herself. She said she is unhappy.. I asked if it was "us" that she was unhappy about. But no, it basically seems she is unhappy with not having a job currently and not wanting to just settle for a job, she wants to do something special. Blah blah, basically she wants to work in the fashion industry some how. We got in a fight and basically I told her I felt if she went to a job like that I would be losing her again to the world that she escaped to before.. the world with the model boyfriend and friends. She told me that is not a possibility.. and I am relating the two but should not. She also assured me that she would never do what she did to me again. However, the unhappiness worries me a little bit. Any advice?

 

 

 

I noticed that you were in IC. I'm not sure what your counselor may be telling you, but, If you could try and care about YOU for a change then you would know that what I am about to say is the only solution. RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!! Run for your life!! This woman is going to destroy you in the process of finding herself. You cant help her with that process. Save yourself and RUN.

Good luck to you and I do wish you the best in your plight.

[PegNosePete]

But no, it basically seems she is unhappy with not having a job currently and not wanting to just settle for a job, she wants to do something special.

Basically sounds like symptoms of a mid-life crisis. Had an affair, unhappy with her job... the only thing missing is the red sports car. Has she changed her hair drastically lately by any chance?

 

It does sound like a bad omen. Wanting to make drastic changes to her life is yet another sign that she is unsettled, and mentally restless. Same happened with my ex, about a month before she had her affair she was talking about drastic changes in career. By itself it's not a bad thing, many people do it, but combined with other factors I think it's a sign that she is not happy with her life overall.

 

She told me that is not a possibility.. and I am relating the two but should not.

She is well out of order for saying that. The two are extremely closely related. Past performance is the best indicator for the future. She ran off with someone from the fashion industry, and she now wants to get back into it. Personally I don't think you should allow her anywhere near the fashion industry.

[Surfer203]

I am not so sure that running is the best solution. Of course she will have to find herself after this event. But you are right, I need to focus on myself even though she is back with me now.

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: Well.. yes she has changed her hair, but she does that often.. dyes and cuts it regularly.. nothing out of the ordinary for her.

 

As far as the job goes, I am trying to push her away from that.. but have to be supportive of her wishes at the same time. So, I am trying to guide her back to reality.

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: Yeah.. Mid-life crisis but we are in our late 20's... haha.

[PegNosePete]

PegNosePete: Yeah.. Mid-life crisis but we are in our late 20's... haha.

1/3 life crisis then

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: Yep! All of what has happened mirrors a mid life crisis.. it's funny... well.. not really funny, but you know what I am saying.

 

Hopefully through IC she can get her s*** together. Bottling it all up and not dealing with it or rationalizing it is not a good way to go.

[What_Next]

Surfer, you are in your late 20's, no kids? Hmm, I think the answer you so desperately desire is right in front of you.

 

Straight up my friend, seperate your finances, go see a lawyer and see what you can get drawn up to protect yourself if she pulls this stuff again.

 

"find" herself, whenever I read something like that I want to throw up. Good god.

 

You REALLY need to plant your feet and say ENOUGH.

[Surfer203]

I attempted to plant my feet last night. Regarding jobs, reality, I also told her how I feel lesser because of who she associated with. I am not a model, I am good looking, but not a model, nor involved with an exciting life. So I feel kind of like mince meat by comparison.. I know that I am not. I know I am a good guy with a lot to offer. She does not think of me this way, yet I have preconceived notions that she might. I tend to over analyze things and my mind gets carried away some times with irrational stuff. With all of the nonsense that has gone one though, I don't think it is horrible if my mind does wander like that a bit - I think it's normal.

[carhill]

IMO, a post-nup would be a good measure at this point, presuming no pre-nup, especially wrt debts. This is predicated upon the consistent wish of the OP to remain in this milieu. There will come a day when retrospect will tell a remarkable story; I hope it will be a positive one. The OP is certainly far and above the person caring the most about this marriage. Hope that works out.

[Surfer203]

carhill: Thanks a lot. To be honest, I didn't even know those existed, interesting! I will look in to this just in case. I have to protect my ass-ets.

[carhill]

Essentially it is a clarification of the marital contract, which really has no clarity in the first place. A lawyer can provide more details about relevant statute and process. It can be a potential plan B if handled right.

 

IMO, the key is balance of power and control. Right now, I envision you like a puppet on a string, responding to the jerks of her hand, not knowing what is coming next. I mean that respectfully. I've been manipulated by a master of detached non-caring and know exactly how it feels. Sometimes it has to get really ugly to balance out. I learned that harsh lesson. I lost my fear of ugly.

 

Hope things go better for you. The clear path IMO is proactive and independent action without regard to her feelings or responses. Think about that and what it means and how it is being acted out right now. Learn from it. Grow. Succeed.