Author Surfer203 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks a lot carhill. Doing my best so far. You are right to some degree with the puppet thing.. I am trying hard not to let that be the case though. Link to post Share on other sites
bornb4thewind Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 After reading back over your entire thread I have come to the conclusion that you are a Masochist and have posted the definition below for you. Masochism: pleasure in being abused or dominated : a taste for suffering, usually self-inflicted. Come on man, grow a pair and cut loose. After all the experienced advice points you in that direction, the only plausable reason you wont follow it is MASOCHISM!!! You must enjoy it. If you didnt, you would move. Unbelievable!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 bornb4thewind: I am by no means a Masochist. I just love this woman as crazy and as f***** up as she may be. I am willing to put up with SOME hurt to try and re-establish our relationship. There will be a limit though. I think everyone is getting the wrong impression here.. things are going well 95% of the time. There is a bit of fighting and conflict and to be honest I expected it to be worse. We will get through this. Now is just a period of boredom for her, joblessness - so I think she is feeling down. She is beating herself up for what she did to me. All of this will take time to heal and improve. It is just a transition period as far as I can tell. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 After reading back over your entire thread I have come to the conclusion that you are a Masochist and have posted the definition below for you. Masochism: pleasure in being abused or dominated: a taste for suffering, usually self-inflicted. Come on man, grow a pair and cut loose. After all the experienced advice points you in that direction, the only plausable reason you wont follow it is MASOCHISM!!! You must enjoy it. If you didnt, you would move. Unbelievable!!!! I don't think being a Masochist is in the DSM-IV, so all you have come up with is a label, not a diagnosis. How, exactly, is that helpful? Often grasping for motivations except when they are crystal, crystal clear on LS is pretty useless. There are many other reason the OP may still wish to deal with the circumstances. And I wish him well, there are few men like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 Thanks a lot dreamingoftigers. I appreciate your ackowledgment that perhaps I am not a complete idiot in taking her back and trying to work things out. Link to post Share on other sites
iheartboobs Posted January 4, 2011 Share Posted January 4, 2011 Nobody said you weren't a complete idiot... but there are worse things to be than an idiot, so no worries. It sounds like you're really taking a beating for this woman, so I hope she's worth it. I continue to wish you good luck, surfer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 4, 2011 Author Share Posted January 4, 2011 iheartboobs: I don't think I am taking a beating, but I would NEVER say that the path I chose was easy. I think she is worth it. Time will tell if she really is or not. Thanks for your support! Link to post Share on other sites
slowbutSURE Posted January 5, 2011 Share Posted January 5, 2011 Surfer, you are worrying me a little with your recent posts. Your wife is back in the house, the counseling is happening, you're talking all of these are good positive steps forward. Fighting/disagreeing I thinks is to be expected. Some of what your wife is expressing to you are the RED FLAGS. Not happy with herself, needs to find herself, the possible career interests and then criticizing you for drawing a parallel of the career and her affair. I would have GREAT concern with these comments, in particular her negating your feelings. My reasons? My wife and I had very similar conversations and I expressed the concerns to her. The response I got was almost the same and then I am made to feel bad like I did something wrong. This is NOT GOOD at all. Whether she is consciously aware or not, she is shifting her accountability of this BS. You have very valid reasons for being worried and she just dismissed them, RED FLAG! My wife was the Queen of this behavior and I fell for it time and time again until I was mentally beaten to within an inch of my life! Write down things she has said that worry you, give it a day or two and read them. Put them in order and decide how much remorse you are seeing. A long time ago I pasted the, "Guilt versus Remorse" list. Read it again and think about it, PLEASE! I am here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 5, 2011 Author Share Posted January 5, 2011 Thanks slowbutsure: I know you are talking about. I am being very observant. I will bring this up again to her and see how this plays out. At this point, I am trying to make this work - if it doesn't I know I will be fine because I have already spent time away from her, time where I rebuilt myself and was getting along fine! I am not worried.. if this goes to s*** then oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hi Surfer203 - I admire you for hanging in and trying to work on this with your wife. On the Mid Life Crisis thing (MLC), it can happen at any age bracket....30's, 40's, 50's and 60's are the most common. This is what my MC told me in our therapy, but in reference to men...I'm sure that can also relate to women as well in some cases. The fact that she is feeling unsettled could be her guilt, but the affair along with the things that she is feeling now could be pointing to wanting a "do-over", start fresh or a new beginning. It may be good to find out if that "new beginning" includes you, as it should. I think that there comes a time in all of our lives when we look back and think that we could have done something different, been a fashion designer, been a doctor...etc and spouses unfairly accuse the other party that they chose to be with because they can't live up to the choices they themselves made or honor the commitment. It's about being able to make room in your life for more than just yourself for both parties involved...that is something that your wife may not be able to admit right now. These are the red flags unfortunately. I really do hope that things turn out good for you both, but it's good that you can look at it from your perspective as well that you can be fine too. Link to post Share on other sites
norm28 Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hi Surfer203 - I admire you for hanging in and trying to work on this with your wife. On the Mid Life Crisis thing (MLC), it can happen at any age bracket....30's, 40's, 50's and 60's are the most common. This is what my MC told me in our therapy, but in reference to men...I'm sure that can also relate to women as well in some cases. Actually, there is a lot of research lately about women getting married young, then going through a midlife crisis in their 30's. That's what my therapist suspects with my wife, and I've read a lot on the issue. Not that it makes you feel any better.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 Thanks all. I do believe she wants a do-over. She would not be home with me if she didn't want to try to fix things and that I know to be true. If she wants a different career, I stand behind her. As long as it does not diminish our relationship. About the midlife crisis thing, I agree it can happen at any age. That seems like what was going on with my wife. Plus we were about to have kids. I think that may have thrown her in to a scared state. Losing her body, freedom, looks for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 Anyone have any good suggestions on how to try to initiate sex/romance? I don't know if I should give her space and just wait for her to make a move when she is comfortable or if I should be making out with her and caressing her and stuff. I don't know how to proceed, I think the sex is an important aspect of our relationship - it will bring us closer if anything. I think she will feel more connected too and will help ease her "sadness". Who knows though. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 I am not sure how far along you are so this might sound stupid. I would assume you are up and beyond the kissing and hugging. A little alcohol helps, wine, mixed drink, not drunk, just happy Do you know her erotic zones, ears, hands, feet, elbows? Come up behind her, and before she can turn around and kiss you on the lips kiss her on the nape of her neck, close to her ear. Do one side, then tell her you don't want to neglect the other ear. If she responds go from there, with whispers, tongue etc. Try a foot massage, back, hands Link to post Share on other sites
iheartboobs Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Have you had her tested? That would be my first step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 2.5 a gallon: I typed a response and it got erased.. damn! Anyway, yes we have been hugging, kissing, making out a bit, snuggling, spooning etc. But no sexual contact as of yet. So, I guess I will just continue to be patient but affectionate and if it does not progress much further in the next week or two, I might bring it up again. You have to add it up.. I am a man and have needs.. hahaha. She has been home 1 month, gone for 2 months then preceeding that she withdrew sexually for 1 month or more. So.. do the math! Haha. iheartboobs: Step one is taken care of.. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Surfer if you ask me this is another example of where you overly passive nature creates difficulties for you. Honestly, if I wanted sex I'd flat out ask her. In my case the first night that I went back to my wife we went at it like animals and basically have been ever since... Then again we've always had a very active sex life. Why not sit her down and discuss it? I know you said you have, but why do you appear to be afraid to discuss topics with your wife? When I have something I need to say, I'll say it. Period. Lack of communication is partially what got you here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 I guess I am being passive.. I was kind of trying to be respectful and patient. It ended up in a fight - I got angry and the reason was because the lack of sex. We spoke about it and she said she was not ready yet, didn't want to rush things. I think once we hit ONE MONTH enough time has passed. That will be Saturday.. one month since she has been back. Time for another talk. I miss that aspect of our relationship but I don't want to seem like I am being too pushy. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 WN is right, seems odd that it hasn't been discussed yet, especially if it's becoming/been an issue for you. Remember, YOU haven't had much for 4 months...different situation for her. Sometimes it's hard to remember how much open communication you need to succeed at this, but it's the most critical thing. May be worth bringing up in MC. I know, at one time, I found an online sex survey, filled it out, had my W fill it out, then exchanged them to learn what we can improve, try, help with, etc. Certainly helped...for a while. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Surfer What Next has a point. Most women want their man to be a little aggressive at times. I can remember during my high school days this jerk trying to remove a girls top at the public swimming pool. I knew her, as being quiet, shy, religious, conservative. The next week they were a couple. Lesson learned I am not sure talking would work right now in your case. Take a little action, remember actions speaks louder than words. But that is something only you would know. I would get a little more aggressive. Grabbing and coping a feel now and then. My GF is also shy and conservative. When I pick her up at work, we always greet each other with a kiss. And every once in awhile, if I catch one of her female co-workers looking I give her buns a squeeze. It always embarrasses her, then I hear "Stop it. You're so Bad" Try a little variety make it fun. Next time when kissing, tell her it is time for a Hollywood kiss, give a quarter spin to your left and a dip. Or a ballon popping kiss and hug. Squeeze her tight, tell her she is sexy, then rub your chest on her, so your chest gets a good feel of her boobs. It wouldn't hurt to give her a little growl. Then say something about wanting to see "My Girls again" And go from there and seduce her. Have you ever used Kama Sutra oil when giving her a massage? Again it might be a smart idea to do this after a glass of wine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 debtman: Yeah.. time for a talk again. We HAVE discussed this. She really didn't give me much of a reason though - kind of like she didn't give me a reason when she left me. This may have to be discussed in MC. I want to tap that ass (as the kids are saying these days) hahaha! If you can't laugh, what can you do?! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 2.50: Good tips - thanks! Haha.. I have grabbed her boobs a few times and caressed her body.. but it goes no where. I will take some of your advice and see what I can do! Never used that oil and we don't drink alcohol, so that won't help! That is hilarious you grab her ass in public in front of co-workers, hahah. Link to post Share on other sites
Eye of Hourus Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 Hey Surfer Happy New Year, I agree that the sex thing needs be be discussed...and from the looks of it the intial discussions have not gone well. Hopefully your MC will be supportive however, you may get the old " give it time ", " she's not in a good place now" or some other cop out excuse. For the time being, I think you need to re-inforce what you are doing to make yourself more attractive to her. Get a bit of a 180 going for you....be a little mysterious....perhaps some new clothes, new aftershave, go out somewhere by yourself and be vague about where you are going/where you've been. That may perk her interest. Of course, you always try my style, get a pizza, six pack, some hand lotion and box of tissues and set yourself up on the couch with a couple of racy dvds a get busy...she can either join in or hide in her room. The Eye “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 The Eye: Happy New Year to you as well! Yeah.. I am not wanting to wait much longer.. I am a man, I have needs. Haha. I think you may be right, time to improve myself even more than I have. A bit more of a 180 is in order perhaps. As for your last suggestion.. hahaha love it! Haha. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 A bit more of a 180 is in order perhaps. NO. Tell her! Be forthright with your needs. I have to wonder if she could be knocked up or she's wondering if she might be. Or, she knows she has an STD and doesn't want to pass it on. Link to post Share on other sites
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