Owl Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Glad to hear that things are going well, my friend. Just keep in mind that if the two of you focus on how good it is now, without focusing on what went wrong before (and ESPECIALLY on what to do to prevent a recurrence), things can change. Make sure you're still making CHANGES to prevent things from going back to where they were, alongside enjoying how things are going now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 26, 2011 Author Share Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks all for the kind words! I guess my situation is unique, as everyone's is. In my case, I NEVER f***ed up in our marriage before. I was always a great guy and treated her right. I stuck to my guns during our separation and fought for what I wanted and what was right. She eventually realized this and realized who she walked away from. I don't want to jinx myself but I don't think she would ever do this again. Who knows down the line things may not work out, but it won't be because of a similar situation. Anyway, advice.. hmm.. I guess just speak honestly, keep an open mind and heart at all times. Listen. Have talks, if you feel something, good or bad, voice it and let it be heard. With out communication there is no chance. Try to be patient and realize that the cheater has also been through some hard times.. and coming back for a second chance is hard and embarrassing to friends/family etc. They are going through a rough time too so, be mindful of that. My compassion towards my wife and my level headedness in dealing with her through out the ordeal showed her how amazing I am. Our love has grown greatly because of that - she sees me as the best person on the planet.. with out sounding cocky. It is because of how I treated her. Treat people as you want to be treated is the key! Good luck to any one else struggling with a similar situation. I think most people in my shoes would never have a second chance and I am very fortunate to have that. WN: I am sorry to hear things are not going so great for you guys. Keep plugging away and I am hoping things will work out for you guys. If not, you are a strong person and you will succeed on your own. I know it. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 26, 2011 Share Posted January 26, 2011 Thanks all for the kind words! I guess my situation is unique, as everyone's is. In my case, I NEVER f***ed up in our marriage before. I was always a great guy and treated her right. I stuck to my guns during our separation and fought for what I wanted and what was right. She eventually realized this and realized who she walked away from. I don't want to jinx myself but I don't think she would ever do this again. Who knows down the line things may not work out, but it won't be because of a similar situation. Not that unique...this is pretty much precisely what happened in my own situation as well. And we're not almost seven years past our "time of trouble". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thanks for the comments Owl. I mean every situation is unique...some are so similar though that it is scary. Reading similar stories on here has helped me cope.. don't get me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 27, 2011 Share Posted January 27, 2011 Ironically enough it was only when my marriage collapsed that I began to realize that what I was going through was far from unique. In fact it is a story that repeats itself again and again. It's a question of how you come out the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 Just an update: Still going well.. dare I say, better than ever? So, to all of you out there who are struggling and feeling pain. Never give up hope, never give up your dreams and what you want out of or who you want in life. No matter how it goes, never stop being positive. Love to all of my friends here at LS - thanks again for the support! Link to post Share on other sites
BlindRage Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Just an update: Still going well.. dare I say, better than ever? So, to all of you out there who are struggling and feeling pain. Never give up hope, never give up your dreams and what you want out of or who you want in life. No matter how it goes, never stop being positive. Love to all of my friends here at LS - thanks again for the support! Wow that is not such a good advice. I know you mean well by it but really, "never give up hope"? If you are talking in respects of a relationship sometime the answer is to let go. Not everyone actually wants their partners back. My ex is a perfect example. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing and never looked back at it, and guess what. She's happy and over-joyed at life and her new partner. Never give up hope? I don't think so. Sometimes letting go is what makes you stronger. I learned that the hard way and actually I'm still learning it. Maybe your wife was weak willed and thats why she went back to you because she likes falling back into the known. Not all of our exes are like that though. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Surfer, I am so very happy for you. You were right on the brink and you were able to find your way to the other side. Good for you. Never forget what you have learned throughout this experience. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Surfer203, Glad to hear that things are going well. Healthy mental attitude goes a LONG way, regardless of the situation. Like many here, I was not able to work things out with my stbx, BUT I am working things out with myself. I'm in a much better mental and emotional place I was even a month ago and it keeps getting better. BlindRage, I certainly understand your perspective and what you're saying as well. I see the "giving up hope" that Surfer was referring to as giving up on yourself, not on the relationship. Not sure that was his point or not, but that's how I took it. And, my stbx is also very happy in her new relationship and, as far as I know, has never looked back or questioned her decision (except she has occasionally voiced some concern over how the kids are "rebelling" against the OM occasionally). It took a long time to get past her indifference to my feelings or our relationship and history, and I still face it sometimes, but there's nothing I can do about it, so, I'm not giving up hope on my new life and am thankful I have the opportunity to learn from the past and, eventually, try again. She's not the kind of person to ever admit that she made a mistake or apologize for her actions, so, I am closing that chapter of my life and starting to write the next one. And, surfer, pay attention to WN's advice, "Never forget what you have learned throughout this experience." Every challenge that life throws at us is an opportunity for growth and learning... Good luck and keep working at it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Thanks guys. debtman is right about what I was intending to say. I mean don't give up a hope on yourself, your life, your situation and what YOU want for yourself. No matter if that is starting over or sticking it out. In my situation, sticking it out was the right thing and it worked out. Still have to work hard at our marriage but it is really wonderful to see where my life is now and where it is heading. Compared to the miserable future that I thought was inevitable before. That is all I was trying to say and yes - NEVER forget what you learn when going through an experience like this. It makes you stronger, smarter and less likely to be hurt in the same way again. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 surfer, Glad to hear things are going well and the relationship is working as you work on it. One minor thing, just in case it ever does rear its head again and you face something like this down the road. You mention the "miserable future" that you thought was inevitable. Whether the relationship works, whether you stay together or not, the future is ALWAYS what you make it. I was miserable for the first few months with the betrayal, loss and pain, but now, I see it as a positive change. For me, for the kids and for my future. A world of opportunities has opened up for me and the most important thing in my life right now is my attitude. I make every day what it is. It's a fabulous thing. Relationships are wonderful, but don't forget yourself. YOU are who she fell in love with. Hold on to yourself as much as you hold on to her. Blue skies!! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Ditto what debtman said I am taking a break from writing an article for publication. Had my XW and I stuck it out I truly doubt that I would ever have made that life changing trip to the University library and I never would have known the real me,. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 I hear you guys. Positivity no matter what the outcome. The only way to live. Self pity and depression get you no where! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks guys. debtman is right about what I was intending to say. I mean don't give up a hope on yourself, your life, your situation and what YOU want for yourself. No matter if that is starting over or sticking it out. In my situation, sticking it out was the right thing and it worked out. Still have to work hard at our marriage but it is really wonderful to see where my life is now and where it is heading. Compared to the miserable future that I thought was inevitable before. That is all I was trying to say and yes - NEVER forget what you learn when going through an experience like this. It makes you stronger, smarter and less likely to be hurt in the same way again. Happy to hear the good news so far and I hope it continues looking up for you. It's nice to see it for a change. At least 90%+ of the similar stories here end the other way around and not for the guys lack of trying or desire to stick it out. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Just an update: Still going well.. dare I say, better than ever? So, to all of you out there who are struggling and feeling pain. Never give up hope, never give up your dreams and what you want out of or who you want in life. No matter how it goes, never stop being positive. Love to all of my friends here at LS - thanks again for the support! Optimism is the biggest ingredient in success. Good for you! I think that that is the sane attitude that will save my family (hopefully). But testing and growing my own character over the last year many things have changed around here too, mostly with myself. I will never let another person control my happiness again. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Wondering if you're still out there and how things are going for you, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Yeah, yeah.... UPDATE! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted March 4, 2011 Share Posted March 4, 2011 Surfer and I are in contact through PM and as of Feb 28 he has confirmed things are going very well indeed between him and his wife. I for one am VERY happy for him. Keep it up bud! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted March 7, 2011 Author Share Posted March 7, 2011 Hello everyone! Been a while. I really should get on here to post more often and check in. Things are going great. It is insane.. to think where our relationship was to where it is now. We are still doing therapy which to be honest is starting to feel like a waste of money.. we are in good shape but don't want to stop going regardless. It is just healthy to talk in that setting occasionally, we are doing that once a month. She and I are both continuing IC.. I may phase mine out soon however. My wife has been awesome.. she has been constantly reassuring me and showing how she feels and how sorry she is for everything that went down. It was a huge learning experience for both of us. I wish it never happened but to be honest, I believe we are stronger now because of it. The future is bright and I am really happy. Don't get me wrong, I have not put this on a book shelf.. it is still with me. However, I do not let is haunt me or hinder my life in anyway. I have really worked past it with my wife. The thoughts pop up from time to time. I believe in forgiveness and patience though. So, it's working. Many thanks to all of my friends here for the support you gave me. Checking this site was a huge help getting through it all. Link to post Share on other sites
Jon Morris Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My wife and I are going through the exact same thing at the moment. She is currently at her mothers "choosing" between my kids and I or the OM. She says she loves the kids and wants to be with them but that she doesn't have the feelings for me that she once had and doesn't think she can get them back. I told her that these feelings not only CAN come back, but they could be something stronger and more passionate if she would just open her heart to the idea. She is VERY conflicted right now and it is obvious that she's going through some kind of mid-life crisis at the moment. She thinks that she can just see the kids every night and then go back to her mothers, but that isn't going to work for me. I can't see her here every night knowing that she is still in decision mode and her keeping me dangling on a hook has turned me into a nervous wreck. I fear the negative health consequences could be disastrous for me. I can't eat or sleep and my stress levels are through the roof. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Jon.. lay down the law. Honestly.. tell her what YOU want and stick to it. She will either oblige, may take a little time or that may be the end of it. Once I told my wife I was not talking to her anymore and that was it.. it made a big difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 UPDATE: Sorry to be back on here with sad news. Here goes... So, everything has been great since my wife got back, it has been 5 months yesterday since I picked her up and brought her home. We have been on a vacation and spent lots of quality time together. We are both making an effort to hang with our own friends and grow as people individually. Everything was going great until Monday. My wife had an IC session and cracked last night and said "My therapist thinks I am unhappy, living with a facsade - pretending I am happy to deal with past guilt and unhappiness. " Her therapist threw this idea out and it has derailed everything. My wife is now questions if this is true and if so why is it true. Is it me, her lack of a job right now, living so far from her family? She is not sure if she is even unhappy to start with. Her therapist also thinks she may have just came home because she had no where else to go. My wife believes that is not true. I don't believe it either - I can tell how great we have been getting along and how things have been. It has been really amazing. So, this put us into a huge discussion. I feel terrible. I feel like I am in almost the same position again. On the other hand I feel like I am the one blowing what her therapist said out of proportion. My wife has not even decided that it is true. Our plans are to continue on, interact like we have been normally, keep living life and see how it goes. Last night after hours of conversation I went to bed and I asked her "So, are we doomed?", she said "I don't f***ing think so!" - as if she is saying "stop over analyzing and just live, see what happens but I doubt it". We also determined that the having kids thing was a factor. We actually started trying to have a kid after she came home but after last nights talk, I told her let's wait on that because I could tell it was stressing her out, making her feel constricted by life. Her therapist also determines she craves freedom - which in our past she didn't have. We never hung out with friends or did things independently, we even worked together. It was too much of a good thing, too much of eachother. So, we decided let's hold off on kids for a while. She needs to feel not tied down and free for us to flourish. Any thoughts on this? How do I mellow out and live my life now, how do I act now? What should I avoid doing? Am I overanalyzing an outsiders (therapist) perspective? After all it was a thought she had and mentioned once, My wife claims she did not drill that point. Thanks all! Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Is this how a therapist makes business out there? Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Sorry to hear that Surfer, but, if I were you, I wouldn't put too much weight on this. Worrying about it won't "fix" anything. The counselor may have a legitimate concern but your wife's "happiness" may not be tied to you at all. All I can suggest is that you be supportive, tell her (and show her) how you feel OFTEN, but give her space as well. I would tell you to encourage her to go out, meet new people, find new hobbies and spend some time pursuing her own interests, but that didn't work out very well for me since that's when stbx found OM. But, I am a firm believer that healthy relationships are those where each person has their own interests and their own time. Keep your relationship in focus, but work on yourself as well. I think your decision as far as kids are concerned is the exact right thing to do. Kids complicate relationships in ways you can never forsee. Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 Thanks all.. I know I am probably blowing it WAY out of proportion. Everything feels solid with us - honestly, until this conversation came up. I have been trying to do that, unfortunately I am jealous at times and needy. But I have been trying to give her more space and freedom and she is enjoying having that. I think I just need to get over myself and keep being the husband that I am.. and the husband she loves and wants. As far as the therapist goes.. I kind of want to talk to her and tell her how off base I think she is and how she could be steering my wife away from our relationship with out her wanting it. I think my wife is too smart to let that happen, but who knows - stranger things have happened. ( as we all know ) I am actually really angry at the therapist! Link to post Share on other sites
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