How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Hey man if it makes you feel good and able to get through each day then it is working for you. No matter what the outcome! It is all about ME (YOU) whoever. Not the spouse.

 

Day by day.

 

Going to try and give you a quick call tonight W_N. Thanks pal!

[Surfer203]

2.50: Yeah.. 5 months only.. there has been progress but it is still early on. I still think about it, almost daily. Nothing that throws me into an angry state but enough to make me think momentarily and reflect.

 

I am kind of with you on the therapist though.. my wife said she apologized and she didn't intend for her to take it so literally... haha. WTF?!? Back pedaling much?! Trying to save her client. I don't know really. Maybe I am just cynical after dealing with all of this s***.

 

It is sad that people who are meant to help people with real problems use it as a slimy way to gain more for themselves. Ultimately it is a business like any other business. The main goal is to earn money.

[BlindRage]

2.50: Yeah.. 5 months only.. there has been progress but it is still early on. I still think about it, almost daily. Nothing that throws me into an angry state but enough to make me think momentarily and reflect.

 

I am kind of with you on the therapist though.. my wife said she apologized and she didn't intend for her to take it so literally... haha. WTF?!? Back pedaling much?! Trying to save her client. I don't know really. Maybe I am just cynical after dealing with all of this s***.

 

It is sad that people who are meant to help people with real problems use it as a slimy way to gain more for themselves. Ultimately it is a business like any other business. The main goal is to earn money.

 

Good luck surfer, it sounds like a difficult situation you have there. I remember when you started your thread. I didn't think that your wife would ever come back, but she did. I think you two are strong together, whatever happens it does seem she will be there with you, even if it takes her a bit to sort her thoughts out again.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

I just read your replies to MSWS's thread, and I'm sorry to see several red flags.

 

Four digits in debt, and she has backed off some, but is still spending. What is her problem with seeking employment?

 

Yeah, I was able to walk away from my marriage pretty easily. But I am neglecting to say how expensive the marriage was.

 

Before I married I owned outright, a Chevy big block product, with SS package, 4-speed, I don't want to get specific, as we are annonymous, but it had a pick up bed. The classic kind that even in their used status went up in value.

 

A small motorhome, a forumula race car, half interest in an inboard fishing and ski boat, and lots of money in the bank.

 

I never raced again, I never went water skiing again, and my bank account was soon depleted. It took me years to pay off some of the bills that we ran up, in fact I am not sure that I ever recoved financially, as it was only a few years ago that I was finally able to buy my own place.

 

I am also concerned about her going out. I know you mentioned that she was going out on her own, but I am now getting the impression that it is quite often.

 

She has put you in a position, that if you disagree with her going out with friends that you are controlling.

 

Again, what is wrong with her seeking employment? Do you really want to be saddled with this much debt?

 

Scary thoughts

[Ms. Red]

Good luck surfer, it sounds like a difficult situation you have there. I remember when you started your thread. I didn't think that your wife would ever come back, but she did. I think you two are strong together, whatever happens it does seem she will be there with you, even if it takes her a bit to sort her thoughts out again.

 

Unfortunately, she had no other choice but to come back. She was homeless and jobless with no other options available.

 

Sorry Surfer, but that's how I see it. From everything you have posted (and I've read this whole thread) I think she really had no other choice.

 

Now she's back to going out and living it up without you and she doesn't contribute to the household. That's not right. Does that really make you secure in your marriage? Does she make up for not working by keeping up the housework and having a hot meal prepared for you when you come home from earning that money she likes to spend?

 

Also above where you speak of forgiving her, I think you did from the very beginning that you started this thread. You come off to me a desperate man to keep your wife with you no matter what the cost of your dignity. Sorry if that's blunt but that's my view on your situation.

 

I hope I am wrong but that's how I've felt the whole time I've been reading your thread.

[Surfer203]

BlindRage: I think you are right, I hope you are right actually.

 

2.50 and Ms. Red: Yeah the money thing is a problem. Part of it is she does not want to settle into a job that she hates again (like her previous job) so, in June she starts Yoga instructor training, and she is getting certified to instruct Zumba as well this Saturday. So she will be working. She has also been making jewelry and art to sell.. although she has not tried to post any online quite yet, in the works. So, I don't think she is being a dead beat, I think she will contribute. Up until this point, no.. just her unemployment which helps but is not enough.

 

Part of the socializing and going out with friends is based on our MC's recommendation. I know it's true that we did not get out on our own during our marriage before, so that was a major problem for us. I realize the importance now also of getting out with my friends too. She happens to be a more socially outgoing person - so I understand that too. I think it is my jealousy and caution due to what happened that is making me so on edge about all of this.

 

Update: Wife went to therapy yesterday.. her IC apologized for her "suggestions" and claims that my wife took them out of context.. she meant she was obviously unhappy BEFORE she left me. BIG F'ing difference you stupid therapist. So, my wife had a good session.. we talked about it, things feel okay right now. Calming myself down.

[Surfer203]

Ms. Red: Sure she had options.. she had no allegiance to me, she was already screwing me financially. She could have moved in with a friend temporarily until she get her act together, or asked her parents for a plane ticket home, etc.etc. So.. that theory is kind of bogus.

[Ms. Red]

Ms. Red: Sure she had options.. she had no allegiance to me, she was already screwing me financially. She could have moved in with a friend temporarily until she get her act together, or asked her parents for a plane ticket home, etc.etc. So.. that theory is kind of bogus.

 

Ok good. I'm glad I'm wrong. It has been a while since you started this thread and I've read it.

 

I wish you well.

[Surfer203]

Ms. Red: Haha, it makes sense that it could be a reason she came home. I don't think it is though.. if it is she is wasting her own time. She could have moved home and been getting on with her life. So that theory is most likely untrue. We will see though!

[Surfer203]

Also, I don't think of myself as desperate. I think I am just a guy who was/is deeply in love with my wife and cherish her as a person. Never wanted to lose her or lose what we had.

[Ms. Red]

Ms. Red: Haha, it makes sense that it could be a reason she came home. I don't think it is though.. if it is she is wasting her own time. She could have moved home and been getting on with her life. So that theory is most likely untrue. We will see though!

 

Also, I don't think of myself as desperate. I think I am just a guy who was/is deeply in love with my wife and cherish her as a person. Never wanted to lose her or lose what we had.

 

 

I wasn't trying to make you feel bad Surfer. I was just being honest in how I felt as I read what you have posted here.

 

I do respect how you feel towards your wife. May she love and cherish you as much as you do her.

 

IMO, I haven't felt the pain and anger in your posting as I have from other BS'. So, maybe that's why it appeared you're desperate. As I said, didn't want to make you feel bad. Sorry if I did. Just giving you my feelings as I read your posts.

[Surfer203]

No problem, I could see how one could get there by reading the thread.. haha.

 

Thanks for the well wishes.

[Surfer203]

Nothing major going on with us.. my wife has made some plans for this weekend which include ME. We have been getting out with friends more often and I was starting to feel not included by her.. but this weekend after my jealous paranoia came to the surface my wife has decided to go to the movies tomorrow night, go out on Saturday night with me and some friends and then Sunday spend the day together. This is nice.. I was starting to get a bit worried. She leaves to visit her family on Monday for a week. More nervous feelings for me - first time we have spent more than a a day apart since she left originally. Starting to calm down and not worry as much but there will always be a little something there.

[Owl]

Suggestion...openly discuss your 'nervousness' with your wife about her trip to her family.

 

Be honest about your fears, what you're worried could happen, and ask her to help you come up with ways to reassure you and rebuild trust in her while she's gone.

 

Perhaps using skype at night to talk before the both of you go to bed while she's gone? Things like that could go a good ways to help you "cope".

 

And it won't always be like this...as you heal, and as she rebuilds trust, you won't remain nearly as worried when she does similar trips later.

[Surfer203]

Owl.. I really should speak about a bit more about why am nervous and hopefully she will extend some nuggets of confidence towards me.

 

Skype is a great idea! She was actually bringing up her parents a webcam to use so they can keep in touch better. That would be really comforting actually - awesome suggestion.

 

I think you are right, this trip will put me at ease for future trips she does alone. I think most married couple go away at some point alone whether it be for business, family, etc. It has never been like this, so it is something new to get used to.

 

Thanks for the WISE words as always.

[Owl]

Remember my friend, I had to deal with the same insecurities.

 

My wife went on a visit to her sister when we were still relatively early in recovery...and it was TOUGH.

 

The next year, we came up with a similar plan to "stay close" while she was away. It helped us a lot.

[Surfer203]

Yeah I know.. I appreciate your opinions as some one who has been through this kind of crap before.

 

This trip will be telling.. will bring feelings up for both of us that we have not experienced. Should be an interesting week. I know it is nothing more than a visit to her family and friends engagement party. I should not be worrying this much, timing wise it just coincided with her therapists ideas and a bit of friction about going out with friends on our own.

 

I will probably spend some time at my parents on week nights, having dinner or whatever. Just to make the time pass quicker - keep busy on the following Sat and Sun while she is gone most of the day. I miss her already and can't wait for her to return already. It's a nice feeling.

[What_Next]

Surfer the one thing that is leaping off the page is your deep love for your wife. In a word, WOW. She is very lucky to have you. If she doesn't know that I'll go and track her down on her visit to her folks myself....

 

While I do agree that you need to talk to her about these insecurites and she needs to help you manage them I'd caution you at the same time to try and not let it get into the "needy" side of things. That can turn a woman off fast.

 

Stay the course, you are doing fine.

 

Trust, ahh the real tough nut to crack, I sure as heck wish I had the key to that as it isn't working for me.

[Surfer203]

Haha.. is it that obvious?! Thanks my friend! I appreciate the offer....

 

I know I seem needy, gotta man up a bit.. I know it.

 

Long road until trust is restored.. if it ever will be restored fully. When we spoke it sounded to me like you are totally in control of your feelings at this point. I am envious.

[What_Next]

I think in time trust can be restored yes. Her actions (both your wife and mine) will forever change our outlook though. I'll never again blindly trust anyone, EVER.

 

I believe my emotions are in check yes, but I've had practice .

 

My offer stands. I can even get my employer to take care of the fuel costs... HA.

 

Cheers.

[Owl]

The trust came back for me. It took a good amount of time (perhaps close to 2 years before I really started to become comfortable) to get there...even longer before it got to the point where I COMPLETELY stopped verifying her actions. It took a lot of patience and effort to DEMONSTRATE her trustworthiness on her part as well.

 

She had to DEMONSTRATE improved boundaries, demonstrate a willingness to rebuild her trust in my eyes by agreeing or even volunteering ways to help demonstrate her love and devotion to me/us.

 

I can't remember the last time I "checked up" on her. Don't recall any of her passwords to her computer/email/etc... I could easily arrange to get them...if I didn't ask her outright for them.

 

But I've got no reason to. I do believe she learned as much as I did through that time we went through.

 

Now...that "blind trust" that I'd never be fooled or betrayed by someone I loved and trusted like that? Gone. Won't return. It doesn't even have anything to do with her...I've learned that there's nothing mystical protecting me from having this happening to me. I know it's possible with ANYONE. It's not that I don't trust her...I simply no better than to blindly trust anyone after what we've gone through.

 

And it's no big deal.

 

The past is past...we dealt with it, learned from it...and moved on.

 

It's not where I'm still at, nor is it where she's still at.

 

Today's looking pretty good. Tomorrow doesn't look too shabby either.

[soserious1]

Owl,

 

With all due respect, you think about & talk about your wife's infidelity on an almost daily basis here. The issue is brought to the front of your thoughts each and every day. Personally I don't know how you can stand it, I only have to think about my cheating ex once a month when writing his alimony check, I couldn't handle having to think of him & his marital misdeeds on a daily basis.

[Surfer203]

W_N: Thanks for the offer. I will let you know if I get any bad vibes.. haha.

 

Owl: We are 5 months in.. still early on in my opinion. Plenty of time to rebuild trust and what we had.

 

The past is past...we dealt with it, learned from it...and moved on.

 

 

That is how I feel right now. Hopefully it continues that way.

 

___

 

Last night we went to the mall, clothing shopping and Michelle invited her friend Austin, who I have known for 15+ years. We all hung out grabbed some dinner.. it made me feel more comfortable with their friendship. Again, the jealousy thing - this was important for me - put me at ease with their friendship. My therapist suggested that I hang out with them and see if I sense anything inappropriate if I am so worried, haha. Set me straight. Still, I have my eyes and ears open just in case.

 

soserious1: Owl is here to help others. He has faced the problem and worked through it already, he is fine.

[Ms. Red]

Owl,

 

With all due respect, you think about & talk about your wife's infidelity on an almost daily basis here. The issue is brought to the front of your thoughts each and every day. Personally I don't know how you can stand it, I only have to think about my cheating ex once a month when writing his alimony check, I couldn't handle having to think of him & his marital misdeeds on a daily basis.

 

Yanno, I read this post hours earlier and had to think on it. I felt the same way as you do when reading this. I wonder how he can go over it every day like he does.

 

As I thought about it, I thought of the peeps that give their time in support groups of other things like: grieve from a death, abuse of drugs/alcohol, domestic abuse, and I realized that some of us are stronger than others. After healing they can go on and contribute their stories and give hope to others that are going through what they did. Owl is one of those that can contribute.

 

I'm not strong enough to contribute on what I've been through and I admire that Owl can do that still to this day.

[John Michael Kane]

Owl,

 

With all due respect, you think about & talk about your wife's infidelity on an almost daily basis here. The issue is brought to the front of your thoughts each and every day. Personally I don't know how you can stand it, I only have to think about my cheating ex once a month when writing his alimony check, I couldn't handle having to think of him & his marital misdeeds on a daily basis.

 

He talks about it because it still haunts him, and he has a right to express it. Infidelity is a scar that cannot be removed. It's his little way of trying to cope with it.

 

But then again it could also be his subconscious constantly telling him he needs to divorce his wife, and he's trying to fight it by talking about it every day. In other words, denial.

 

Personally if I was him, I would've divorced her by now. Cheaters are obviously by far the biggest trigger of them all and I refuse to torture myself by living like that.