How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Steen719: Thanks for checking in, I appreciate it! Planning on calling debtman soon for sure. Will try to do something fun this weekend.

 

Mixed signals and uncertainty are the worst.

[Surfer203]

So, my wife wakes up and we have our normal morning text message back and forth session. Lasted a bit longer than usual today, she was mostly pleasant. Did not really bring up last night's incident. She is being very nice but still I get my full name at the end of things.. seems rude. This is so frustrating.

 

She will be going out to a Zumba class tonight, so I won't see her until 7:30 or so.. going to try and call debtman and talk to some others. Need to get some crap off of my mind before I explode.

[worldgonewrong]

but still I get my full name at the end of things.. seems rude.

 

My wife does the same sort of mindphuk, ball-busting thing too,

when she begins certain emails with "Dear Jack". The formal "Dear" makes me gnash my teeth. Like we're business associates instead of a long-time couple.

Don't let it rankle you too much. She's just trying to get your goat.

[Surfer203]

I get that.. but why would she want to do that at this point?! So many mixed signals... some times I think we need to just slow down and work on things.. slow the f*** down. She is getting ahead of herself and especially since I was in the dark, you have to give me time and effort. I am deserving of that. Crazy women!

[Owl]

Surfer...you need to identify your boundary, explain it to her, and enforce it.

 

Staying out to 1:30 am is unacceptable in a marriage. It's unacceptable in anyone who's attempting to reconcile their marriage.

 

You need to basically tell her that she needs to 100% commit to a course of action. Reconciliation, or divorce.

 

If she can't...then that's an answer in its own.

 

Once she does decide (or makes her choice by default), her actions need to reflect her choices.

 

If she can't do that...that's a choice.

 

You need to tell her what you want/need from her to make this work. If she refuses to meet those needs...there's your answer.

 

There's no need for confusion on your part.

 

Make sense?

[Surfer203]

Owl, according to our therapists there is nothing wrong with going out with friends, even late as long as we keep in touch and tell eachother our plans and updates, etc. I agree with that, we are young and we both really lacked a social life before this incident.. which is part of the problem.

 

I did tell her I am willing to give her some time so she can address some of her own issues, issues that are a wedge between us. So, I am going to give her some time.. but that is limited and I am not sure when/where I will draw the line.

[PegNosePete]

I am not sure when/where I will draw the line.

Dude you need to get sure. Otherwise she will keep you in purgatory until you're on your death bed, wishing you had done things differently.

[Surfer203]

It's tough.. I don't want to pull the rug out from under us if there is still a chance of making thinigs work. But I can't wait around miserable forever.

[Surfer203]

Haha.. no offense taking regarding the balls.. funny.

 

Sounds like we are similar in that respect, not giving up.. not listening to others telling us to end it. I still am in denial that what we had was not as great as I thought it was.

 

Where my wife is at now.. we did not have much of a social life before the incident. She is a very social person. So, the therapists both encourage us to get out and experience life more. She is not really drinking in excess or partying really. Just hanging out with friends casually. So that is not so much of a worry for me.

 

I don't know man.. I am just so sad.

[Owl]

Owl, according to our therapists there is nothing wrong with going out with friends, even late as long as we keep in touch and tell eachother our plans and updates, etc. I agree with that, we are young and we both really lacked a social life before this incident.. which is part of the problem.

 

I did tell her I am willing to give her some time so she can address some of her own issues, issues that are a wedge between us. So, I am going to give her some time.. but that is limited and I am not sure when/where I will draw the line.

 

Here's the thing...and I'm sure I'd mentioned this to you before.

 

IC's do NOT CARE about your marriage. They're not treating your marriage...and the advice and support that they provide is for the INDIVIDUAL...not for the marriage.

 

It's VERY, VERY, VERY COMMON that the advice/support that an IC gives is often DETRIMENTAL to the marriage relationship. They rarely tailor their advice to try to 'aim' it to improve both the person they're providing therapy for AND the marriage.

 

I disagree with your therapists. Independent actions, independent hobbies, etc...all foster an independent attitude and mindset. They do NOTHING to foster a better marital relationship.

 

The more time you spend investing in individual activities without your partner...the less time you're investing in rebuilding/recovering your marriage.

 

Your wife is 'confused' because she's not investing the marriage. That plain and simple. And her IC gives her the perfect 'out'...she doesn't have to.

 

If you both want to go out TOGETHER...that's a different thing.

 

And OCCASIONAL outings are fine...but staying out to the wee hours of the morning frankly does nothing to rebuild the marriage, but absolutely can set the marriage up to fail.

 

An old anecdote..."Go to bed together". Going to bed together helps foster more interaction between the two of you.

 

It's up to you my friend. It's your marriage. I'm just telling you what I've learned and the steps we've taken to improve our marriage.

[Surfer203]

I understand Owl and agree with you on many levels. If I tell her what to do then I am being "controlling". That is why I don't. To be honest, before she starting going out on her own she was waiting for my approval, for me to be comfortable with it. Things were a lot better then. Now she is going out more, busy working out a lot. I feel detached and at times left out. Starting to think that is intentional on her part.

[Owl]

I understand Owl and agree with you on many levels. If I tell her what to do then I am being "controlling". That is why I don't. To be honest, before she starting going out on her own she was waiting for my approval, for me to be comfortable with it. Things were a lot better then. Now she is going out more, busy working out a lot. I feel detached and at times left out. Starting to think that is intentional on her part.

 

It is.

 

Her leaving you out sets the stage for her to either start or resume an affair. At the least...it allows her to emotionally detach from you and sets the stage for seperation/divorce.

 

She sounds like she's still "foggy". My wife played the "controlling" comment a lot back when she was in that mindset as well. I made it clear to my wife that I wasn't controlling her...she had the choice to remain with me or not...totally outside of my control.

 

But I absolutely could/would control what I would accept in my life.

 

I would not accept being married to someone who was less than 100% committed to our marriage.

[Surfer203]

Owl.. yeah, she is going back and forth.. it is irritating. I really don't think an affair is what will be her next move.. if anything I think it will be just ending our marriage.

 

If she does it will be interesting, she has no job or money for a lawyer.. tons of debt. She is kind of screwed in a sense. I am certainly not going to make thinigs easy on her if she chooses to give up.

 

I am with you on wanting nothing less than 100% - I give it 200% Owl.. and that is the truth.

 

So much pain... I don't know why I didn't prepare myself for this possibility. I guess I was blindsided again by things going well and didn't realize there was a problem again.

[Steadfast]

If she does it will be interesting, she has no job or money for a lawyer.. tons of debt. She is kind of screwed in a sense. I am certainly not going to make thinigs easy on her if she chooses to give up.

 

Give up what? Stringing you along? Letting you down easy? By the words you've written that's what she's doing. That isn't happy marriage, it's torture, but only for you. She slipping away slowly...comfortably. No sudden moves but a continuing series of small, obvious steps away from you. You might ask towards what, or who, but you'd be wasting your time.

 

She has it made. Two people thinking about her full time! Life's good.

 

Take the advice that's being offered to you friend. Get on firm ground. This cycle of waiting, hoping and pining will suck the life and energy from you.

[Surfer203]

You are right Steadfast. It already has sucked all of the life and energy out of my.. I have not been eating.. skipped dinner the past few nights and I sit around at work like a zombie. It's awful. Have not been to the gym or on my bike for about a week or so. Really disruptive.

 

Honestly.. I don't know if I have it in my to fight for this anymore and if it goes south.. I don't know if I have the energy or strength to fight through a divorce.

 

So drained.

[Steadfast]

It's tough.. I don't want to pull the rug out from under us if there is still a chance of making thinigs work. But I can't wait around miserable forever.

 

You began this thread over six months ago Surfer. By my (limited) math skills, that 1/16th of your marriage, give or take. Add in when the problems actually began for a proper perspective. You've done the work.

 

Only you can decide when enough is enough, but there is a point. Way back when the thread started I posted and said women stay with men who cheat, abuse and lie. Faithfully stay. Why? Because they love them. Reading me? It's complicated, yet simple. Complex, yet sickeningly easy.

 

I can relate, as you know, because I did the same thing; over a year passed after d-day until the divorce was final. Surfer, I don't regret it, but it took something out of me that has never returned. My innocence I think...or my faith. Whatever it is, I did it because she wasn't just another woman. She was my lover, my wife. She was home. When I finally realized I wasn't any of those things to her, I filed and moved on. Moving on still my friend...

 

Eat, rest and get out on that bike. You have friends that care. Breathe-

[Surfer203]

What are you saying? Starting acting like a dirtbag and she will want to stay with me?! haha

 

I have put in a lot of work though - In this time I probably put myself through the equivalent of 5 years worth of stress.

 

I feel that way about my wife too but obviously she does not feel that way about me currently.

 

Will do my best to try to turn my attitude around but it has been really hard so far.

[Ms. Red]

Something inside of you will click and you will know when you have hit your point of enough.

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. While she's out having a great time with friends and working out and not dealing with a job, you are having your life sucked right out of you and she doesn't even seem to give a damn. Really sorry for ya.

 

I hope things improve for you. I wish you well.

[Surfer203]

Can I mention a couple of weird things my wife does...

 

1. Still will make a comment about having kids.. like last weekend she saw a nice maternity dress and said "I could wear this now and grow into it too" (She isn't overweight, haha just a loose fitting drapy dress) Also, there was a commercial for hair regrowth treatment, she has thin hair anyway, she said "oh but i bet it is minoxydil in it" which is not safe to use when trying to have kids or being actually pregnant. In reference to having a child and then tried to go back on it and said "but it's probably not good for my own health too if it's not good for a baby"

 

Found those few comments weird.

 

2. About 2 months ago we started actually trying to have a baby.. that has not stopped. Since then she continues to check her basal body temperature every morning. Trying to figure out her cycle and ovulation period. Why is she still doing this, she always continues to take her prenatal vitamins and stuff.

 

Look, people, don't go there - she is not sleeping with anyone and trying to get pregnant elsewhere I am certain of that. But these things make me believe she is still hanging on to our relationship and planning for the future.

 

Like the day before she left last week for vacation she was trying to find this ottoman she liked in a store for our home. Who buys stuff for their home when they are wanting to leave it?

 

Cleaning up the house today and vacuuming.. What the f*** is going on?!!?!?

 

I feel like a psychopath.

[Surfer203]

Mr. Red -thank you. Exactly.. I work hard.. 45 hours a week.. take care of cooking, cleaning etc. etc. She does not work and does not do s*** around the house. She goes out with friends, constantly at the gym and does not contribute to the household beyond her unemployment.. which is not much.. it is a 1/3 of what she used to make at the company I work for. So frustrating, I feel used and abused. Boiling point... not far off.

[Owl]

Actually Surfer, if I were to be brave enough to try to speak for Steadfast, I'd hazard that he's trying to say that women stay in love with men that want them, but don't NEED them.

 

Men who don't NEED them are confidant, self-assured, and steady.

 

Women lose love for men that they can't respect. They can't respect a man that they can walk all over and control.

 

A woman can respect a man who'll fight for himself, and for his marriage. By extension, with that respect comes the ability to love.

 

The more you treat her like you don't need her...want her, but don't need her...the more likely it is that she'll start pursuing you, instead of you pursuing her.

 

Steadfast, shoot me down if I'm mis-understanding you my friend.

[Surfer203]

Owl.. I think that is what he is saying. I don't know how to be that person right now.. I feel like the opposite unfortunately.

 

Any insight on all of the pregnancy stuff above?

 

On facebook - I also just saw that she mentioned that she might go to a concert in NYC in mid-July. So that means at this point she is planning to stay around here until then at least. Because if things don't work out she is almost 100% going back home to Canada.

[Surfer203]

Why would she make plans for so far in advance and not expect to be here.

 

Also, what the F gives with the pregnancy stuff.

 

I am losing my mind.

[Owl]

Well...I think you're confusing a couple of things.

 

Her being a mother (and being pregnant, giving birth, etc...) actually has nothing to do with being married to you.

 

Getting pregnant, becoming a mother...doesn't actually have to happen WITH you staying in the picture.

 

Sure, it might be easier if she had a steady income...but in all honesty single, broke women get pregnant all the time. She'll survive, and so would the baby...I'd bet her family would help support her in some fashion if need be.

 

Harsh...but there you go.

 

As far as the cleaning...that's sure not a permanent thing. Again, this COULD be an attempted change on her part...or it could be an act to appease you for now, or it could be happening just to salve her conscience.

 

No way for any of us to tell from this side of the internet, my friend.

 

I'd say...ASK HER all these questions.

 

If she says she doesn't know...she doesn't sound emotionally mature enough to have actually given her own motivations much thought. She probably doesn't know, and doesn't want to give it much thought.

 

Why she does what doesn't really matter. What matters is that she change/fix the things that do matter, the things that are broken.

 

If she can't/won't...then you need to decide what that means for you.

 

If she will...then you can work with her to resolve those issues, and focus on others as it becomes possible.

[NoneTheWiser]

Surfer: Let’s try something….. Look at this from your wife’s point of view. A person needs social interaction, staying at home all day without any adult contact is not good for a person. She goes to work out partly for some type of human contact. She goes out occasionally with her friends for a grown up conversation, not to get away from you but for her own mental health. She has stated that she loves you and wants to be with you. In her mind her actions by cleaning the house, decorating, thinking about a family and children with you support her wanting to be with you.

 

Remember, everyone on this site is providing you advice they believe is helpful. Be aware they are looking at your problem through the paradigms of their own life. What worked from them in their relationship might be poison to your relationship. You know your wife better than anyone, is she a mean vindictive person? If not then the only choice you have to save your relationship is to take what she is telling you at face value and continue believing that you both will have a great future ahead.