debtman Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 2.50 - I totally get it. What really kills me is the desire to have a child, have a family. To be honest, I have wanted that since I was a kid myself! I was sure I had found the right person to make those dreams a reality. So, I guess if I do want children at some point, marriage will probably have to happen. That is if things don't work out with my current wife. Be VERY careful on this surfer. Having kids brings a WHOLE new level of trust and stress into the relationship. And, you have to spend your time and attention on the kids which puts the relationship even more in jeopardy. Plus, you think you have emotional lows now, imagine what it will be like if you have kids and she suddenly decides it's over and then, not only is she out of your life, but you suddenly lose half of your kids lives. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know from reading posts on here, but I thought I knew what love was before having kids and now, the worst thing about my situation is trying to come to grips with having so much less of them in my life...be VERY careful and VERY sure before you EVER consider having kids with this woman. Doesn't sound like she's as 100% committed to this and, until you KNOW, for sure, that she is, kids are not a consideration. Some people say they have kids to save the relationship, I can guarantee you, that doesn't work... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 debtman: Kids are completely on hold right now. I don't think I would try to have children with her unless atleast a couple of years pass and things are rock solid. Otherwise I will not go down that road with her. We both know that kids would just make things harder right now. __________________ On my way to therapy last night, I hit a curb and got a flat tire. Don't know if the tire is ruined or my rim is ruined - just another crappy thing to happen to me, especially when I am broke as F*** and in plenty of debt. Link to post Share on other sites
JamieA Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 debtman: Kids are completely on hold right now. I don't think I would try to have children with her unless atleast a couple of years pass and things are rock solid. Otherwise I will not go down that road with her. We both know that kids would just make things harder right now. __________________ On my way to therapy last night, I hit a curb and got a flat tire. Don't know if the tire is ruined or my rim is ruined - just another crappy thing to happen to me, especially when I am broke as F*** and in plenty of debt. And yet your wife can afford to go out and have a blast on your dime! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Yeah.. well, when she does go out she really does not spend a lot of money. But, gas money, drinks, meal occasionally - these things add up. Believe me, it angers me.. I am earning all of the money and getting none of the fun associated with it. Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Yeah.. well, when she does go out she really does not spend a lot of money. But, gas money, drinks, meal occasionally - these things add up. Believe me, it angers me.. I am earning all of the money and getting none of the fun associated with it. Sounds like you need to set up some serious family budgeting and goals. If things don't work out, you want to be SURE you're as out of debt as you can be because the finances only get more difficult and the less money you have, the less options you have. And, if it does work out and you do decide to start a family down the road, the more $ you have, the better. I am one year from debt freedom after 2 1/2 years of busting my a** trying to manage a debt plan (down to $8k from $40k of debt) and now I'm dealing with child support as well, but making it work...but it ain't easy...the more you can take care of now, the better... Good luck and keep posting... Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 when she does go out she really does not spend a lot of money. But, gas money, drinks, meal occasionally But she's staying out until late on a saturday night, right? Drinks cost a lot!!! I went out last Saturday and blew £60 without even trying hard. Maybe cos I'm a Brit and we can drink you colonials under the table without breaking a sweat, but still, it's expensive! Especially women, whose drinks usually have umbrellas and cost twice that of a pint of lager... If she isn't spending much then I have to wonder where her drinks come from? It just seems that something doesn't add up. Possibly it's your maths! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 debtman: Trying my best man.. it is tough. I am not used to living like this. Before I pretty much purchased whatever I wanted, went out to dinner frequently, went shopping frequently, didn't have to really look at prices in stores. That has all changed.. the quality of life that I had has shifted majorly. I would not say I was rich by any means but I was doing well, working hard and earning it. I do blame my wife for the debt and the state of our lives right now. I have not really told her that in so many words. I think she knows it though, she certainly has accused me of thinking so. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 PegNose: We aren't heavy drinkers. I don't think any one is buying her drinks. She drives herself home after going out and always says goodnight to me - she never seems buzzed or smells of alcohol. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Holdup, you don't have any kids? And you're putting up with all this nonsense? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Nope no kids. Am I out of my mind for putting up with this? I am starting to feel like giving an ultimatum might be the only way to proceed. I am trying to be patient and work through things but I keep getting a wife that is detached and holds back. It is extremely frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Nope no kids. Am I out of my mind for putting up with this? I am starting to feel like giving an ultimatum might be the only way to proceed. I am trying to be patient and work through things but I keep getting a wife that is detached and holds back. It is extremely frustrating. would she put up with this BS from you? waffling all time, not showing you the respect you deserve? at some point you're really gonna have to put your foot down. I know you love her, I love my ex too even though she is pure evil. enough already, though. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 personally, i think you are. she's pretty detached from you and your marrige. you're YOUNG!!!!! you have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you're trying sooooo hard to hold onto her breadcrumbs. that's what she gives you, crumbs. and since you're so afraid of losing her by putting your foot down and demand changes, you keep taking those breadcrumbs. you said you want to start a family. this would be the worst way to do it, with the worst woman to do it with! she wears the pants in the family already, but pulls NONE of the weight!!! NONE! i know a woman that is in charge of her family, but at least she gets out and works too! takes the kids to events, etc. your wife, well, she just doesn't do anything productive at all! she wants to live the single life, on YOUR paycheck! and you're letting her. she wants to be single? let her BE SINGLE! let her GO! you are just selling yourself short and depriving you from someone that WILL love you and WILL want YOU, and WILL want to be equals, and will be WORTH having a family with! i'm sure your wife is an ok person, but she's a horrid wife. horrid! and she's not what you need. you know that! NO ONE needs a partner like that! so, yeah, i think you kinda are out of your mind for putting up with all of this. you have to know you deserve better, and more, than this! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I am starting to feel like giving an ultimatum might be the only way to proceed. Have to agree. Although I wouldn't call it an "ultimatum". An ultimatum would be, "do XXX or I kick you out". Whereas what you'll be saying is, if we can't work it out and both have our needs met by each other then it's best for both of us if we just split up. And as the others said, wait for her to get better first. Look after her while she's sick. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 What you are all saying is clicking.. f*** this sucks. marquee: Your answer is NO. She would never put up with this from me. Why am I doing that for her? updown: You are right on the money.. there is a huge imbalance going on right now with us and it is not fair. I am sure there are many other women out there that would be more deserving and would treat me way better. PegNosePete: I plan on still looking after her and taking care of her. What is the goal there though? You make it sound like I should do that for a specific reason? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 PegNosePete: I plan on still looking after her and taking care of her. What is the goal there though? You make it sound like I should do that for a specific reason? Well, only reason is that you're a nice guy and trying to bring up all this sh*t while she's sick is a bit unfair on her. Plus it opens the door for her to change her mind later, with the excuse that she was sick when she made her decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
jstobo Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Hey Surfer, read the last couple of posts on my thread. I turned a major corner my friend. I am so happy right now about the prospects of my future. It just may be time for you to move on in order to find true happiness in the long run. You can only bang your head up against the wall for so long. You know, I didn't give up easy. I stayed optimistic and did everything I could to win her back, but it just wasn't going to change anything for me. These last 8 or so months have been gut wrenching, but the last week of my life has been fantastic. I can only imagine it gets better from here!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 PNP: Understood. jstobo: I am really happy for you man. A couple of differences, my wife is still living with me, has agreed to MC and changing some things that needed fixing in my opinion. That is what makes it such a difficult situation. Good luck to you hope things keep going well my friend! Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I do blame my wife for the debt and the state of our lives right now. I have not really told her that in so many words. I think she knows it though, she certainly has accused me of thinking so. And yet she still goes out and spends and doesn't bring anything to the table The balance is so off whack Surfer. Its months later and you have very little if any improvement. When are you going to lay the law down? Stop worrying whether she is going to leave you. She knows you are frightened of it and that is one of the reasons she really isn't putting 110% into working on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Lifesontheup: She gets unemployment.. but it is HALF of her salary from when she worked. It does not really do it for us financially. The balance is off.. but I will say.. things were AWESOME after she came back which was in mid December - things went downhill again about 1.5 months ago (somethiing like that). So.. what would make her give effort, if I didn't care if she left me? That logic seems kind of counter productive and faulty. Link to post Share on other sites
Ballerfamily Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Lifesontheup: She gets unemployment.. but it is HALF of her salary from when she worked. It does not really do it for us financially. The balance is off.. but I will say.. things were AWESOME after she came back which was in mid December - things went downhill again about 1.5 months ago (somethiing like that). So.. what would make her give effort, if I didn't care if she left me? That logic seems kind of counter productive and faulty. haven't been here in awhile...life is good.....surfer, you poor man...is this what you want for your life......you are the backup for now...of course it was great for a few months...then its right back to before..the red flags are screaming...she wants something else...she hasnt fixed anything..she hasnt done anything to show she wants only you...OMG..reclaim your life and show her you have a life...you dont know how to enjoy life without her..you are co-dependent on her and her approval of you...you will be on one wheel forever if this continues...you need seperation from her and let her live on her own for awhile, and let her take care of herself on her dime.. that scares you to think what she would do...well friend, you cant change the inevitable..if you love her, set her free..they always want what they cant have... mine called sunday sobbing and asking for forgiveness...im healing, and would never risk my heart on someone risky ever again..you need therapy, buddy good luck, you are going to need plenty of it...I hope she doesnt destroy you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Baller: I think you are right on most of what you typed. I am depedent on her in many ways, don't have much of a life on my own. That's part of the problem. I hope she does not destroy me as well. As for you - good for you.. smart not to take her back. Why open yourself up to the potential for that much pain again. Not worth it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 Lifesontheup: She gets unemployment.. but it is HALF of her salary from when she worked. It does not really do it for us financially. The balance is off.. but I will say.. things were AWESOME after she came back which was in mid December - things went downhill again about 1.5 months ago (somethiing like that). So.. what would make her give effort, if I didn't care if she left me? That logic seems kind of counter productive and faulty. I agree with Ballerfamilys' reply. Also Surfer, wouldn't you want to know whether there is a chance of this working out or not? Why not plan to take control of your life TODAY. Why not show her you are moving on with your life, make plans for you and if SHE wants you SHE should work to get you. If she doesn't then you have your answer and you can move on and in time you will no doubt find someone else. Come on Surfer, take the bull by the horns and take control of you. You can do it. Do it before it takes you too far down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Lifesontheup: I guess I don't know how to do that.. take control of my own life. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 you just do it! believe me, you can do it! if i can ( at my age, with my situation) you can too! you just decide one day to " JUST DO IT!" and then you do! and you have a ton of us, in similar situations that can talk you through it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 By doing that.. what is the implication? Does taking control of my own life mean stopping to try and reconcile with my wife or does it mean, do more things on my own to be more independent while still trying to make things work with her? Link to post Share on other sites
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