How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[updown]

well, if you want to stay married to someone that is not invested in the marriage then this is what *I* would do......

 

you decide what YOU want.

 

so, say you want to get out of debt. you tell her you want to get out of debt. so, no more spending on things that are not food, fuel, necessities. if this means no more going out, then no more going out. she needs to come up with her OWN money if she wants to keep the single life going.

 

figure out what you want from your life. not what you want from your wife, but YOUR life! if you could fast forward 5, 10, 15 yrs what would your life look like? but, be realistic too ;-)

 

i could not stay in a marriage like the one i was in. it was going to kill me. HOWEVER, if things could've changed or gotten better, i could've stayed. but, the other person has a choice too, and in my case, he didn't want to change. your wife doesn't want to change either. if she did, she WOULD! she wouldn't be asking you "how do i make you more comfortable?" she would be saying " i am no longer going to be doing x, y, and z, because those things are not good for OUR marriage." there is a BIG difference between what she is saying, and what she should be saying! (and doing!!!) so, i had to look at my life and figure out where i wanted it to go........ and it wasn't down the path we were on. it took me a LONG time, almost a year, to get to the point where i KNEW what needed to be done and had the strength to do it. but, i have kids too. and we were together WAY longer than you two have been. it wasn't an easy choice, but believe me, it was the best choice and now a year and half later i'm a much better person and mom for it!!! i am happier, my kids are happier. our future looks amazing! but, had i lived in the " i'm afraid to lose him" mode like you are............ i would still be thinking and acting like you are now. is this how you want to live the rest of your life?

 

your wife will probably not change. especially since you're giving her NO REASON to change. there are no consequences at all for her actions. NONE.

 

if you cannot figure out what you want your future to look like, talk to a counselor about it. talk to family and friends. and think really hard about how long you're willing to live like this. think about what it will be like in 5 yrs with this woman that left you for another man. a woman that spends your money with NO regard. a woman that does less work than a roommate and gets more perks for it. a woman that spends a lot of time ( and yes once a week is a lot) out with WHO KNOWS WHO! a woman that has told you she is not sure she wants to stay married to you..... when people show you their true colors, BELIEVE THEM!!

 

you are definitely in my prayers!

[BlindRage]

Hey Surfer,

 

So I've read your thread when you practically started it. It seemed like things were going ... ok?.. with your wife, then the problems kicked it. Everyone offers you great advice (don't take this the wrong way) that you don't seem interested in doing/following, but only comment on. What are YOU really planning on doing now?

 

Good luck buddy,

it sounds like you have a hand-full with your wife.

[Lexygirl]

By doing that.. what is the implication? Does taking control of my own life mean stopping to try and reconcile with my wife or does it mean, do more things on my own to be more independent while still trying to make things work with her?

 

Surfer, I totally understand your feelings here !!

When you've been in a relationship for years on end, it's hard to see yourself as a separate being.... It's hard to remember what it was like before you were a couple. I so get it ! Having been with my estranged husband for exactly half my life, I so get it ! BUT you have NO idea how empowering it is to truly start to look within again and find the YOU that you WERE and that you ARE ! It actually takes alot of exploring, insight AND most importantly doing ! At times it takes just talking to a therapist or a close friend or family member.

 

To answer your question, no it doesn't have to mean 'stopping to try and reconcilie with your wife'.... it means YOU letting yourself be YOU.

You talked to us about you being a surfer dude, etc. and you also said that last Saturday you would maybe go out with friends surfing if she is too sick to go... Did you do it? NO... Why not? Really... ask yourself.. Why not?

Do yourself a favour... write down a list of things you like. Things you like to do, things that interest YOU. In this list, what are the things that you CAN do ... SOON ? I think it's time for you to actually stop being 'stuck'...

Yes, Surfer, you are stuck. LIfe is about living !! LIfe is about moving forward... Sometimes we have to just hang out and relax and let life wash over us and just go with the flow for a bit but for the most part... we need to grab it by the balls and take action ! YOu are NOT 90 years old dude !! LIVE !! When you are angry or frustrated with her... instead of ranting and raving on here... use that momentum and go out and DO SOMETHING !!

 

Anyway, that's my rant for now

Good luck

Lex

[Mz. Pixie]

Surfer-bless your heart- you are still stuck I see.

 

You are sitting and waiting on your wife to wise up and make a decision. In her time. Basically she is doing all the taking- and you are doing all the giving-while you sit and wait for her to magically wake up and say "Oh my gosh-what have I been doing to Surfer??? Have I lost my mind?" Never gonna happen. She will not have a magical revelation. I would bet that happens in maybe one percent of cases.

 

What you need to do is take action for yourself-rather than just dancing around ideas. You have been given some good advise- you don't have to take it of course-we could just start a therapy thread for you- or you could decide which course of action you want to take and go about it. I know that several of us have given you steps-by number.

 

To repeat- your wife is already gone. She has already betrayed you in the worst way possible. She has admitted she is not sure she wants to be married to you.

 

I am not suggesting that you be mean to her while she is sick but I agree with the other poster the only reason to not bring this up right now is because you don't want her to later say she agreed while she was sick. But seriously delaying discussion over sinuses? Cancer maybe or something serious like that. She obviously didn't pick a good time to have sex with someone behind your back-I don't exactly think everything needs to be to her liking.

 

Just pick a course of action and take some steps. The first ones. A woman who does not respect you will not love you. Let's try it again-

 

"Honey- I love you very much. I forgive you for everything that you did that caused harm to our marriage. I admit that I made mistakes in our marriage. That being said, I am ready to move forward. You're not committing to our marriage right now- I am not willing to live in limbo forever-it just doesn't work for me. I want to be married to you-I think I have come up with a system (mb) that would work so that both of us could have our needs met inside our marriage and make each other happy. But I would need your full support to do so. We need to start my seeing a marriage counselor that is familar with the marriage builders philosophy, take the emotional needs questionaire, etc. Since we are in so much debt I am going to have to insist that all unnecessary spending stop for now-but I am willing to compromise on one date night per week. You plan it one week and I will plan it the next. I want to be the man of your dreams. But you must choose whether or not you want to work on this marriage. I am willing to consider my options if you do not" Period. No arguing. She doesn't have to know what your options are-it could be to run to the corner store-she doesn't have to know.

 

The marriage builders website can set you up or find you a counselor based on their principals. They also do phone counseling. It does cost but it is cheaper than a divorce.

[Donewrong]

Surfer...

What you are doing is simply not working. You have to do things differently or your going to end up right back to square one each time. Her words right now are just that - words. She needs to show you she wants to work on your marriage with her actions! Yes, most of the things she should be doing IS common sense but if we pretend for one lil moment that she knows no better, tell her. Pretend you are dealing with a child and spell out what she needs to do. Her reactions need not be your concern at this moment. You only need be concerned about you right now.

 

Taking control of your life (the control she took from you when she had the affair) does not mean you are seizing to reconcile with her. It simply means you are taking back control of YOUR life period!! If she wants to join you with the things you put in place to take control, then your marriage will begin to heal and that will depend on how committed she really is to making your marriage work. Either way, if you take control and she is there by your side -wow. If not, you live your life to the fullest because you have control over yourself again - wow. It can only be good when you find the person you really are that was lost and buried deep down inside and take control him. You will be more confident and that is what every woman wants – a confident man.

 

I agree with everything Mz.P said above. Read her post and listen to what she is saying. Not only listen to it, follow through. She spelled it out point blank for you. Heck if it helps... repeat it to your wife. It's all there - step by step. Don't be afraid of what Mrs. Surfer will do if you say those things to her. She left once and you survived. If she wants to leave again...guess what? You WILL survive. You proved to her before that your life went on without her. You can do this. It's a risk to take but imagine the payoff if your wife actually gets what you are saying and takes corrective actions.

 

There is only one way to go from here Surfer.. that way is up! This is the bottom for you and either outcome, if she stays or leaves, is all upward from here for you. If she stays and works on the marriage, together you will begin to live life again and the rewards will follow. If she leaves, you will begin to live life again and follow your dreams and rewards will follow. If you continue to do what you are doing the outcome will never change. Hmmm..I’d place my bets on changing things, and changing them now!!!

 

Honestly, MzP is right. The talk with her needs to happen and there is never a good time to have it but it needs to happen immediately whether she is sick or not. She is a big girl, she proved that when she left you, she can handle the talk. If she can't handle it, her loss. It is just that simple.

 

Tell her what she needs to do and follow through with the consequences. Be stern and make the list black and white, no wishy-washy gray areas. For example:

 

DO: Until I am comfortable and I feel we are in a better place in our relationship when you go out it will be with me. You will show me the respect as your hard working husband and leave as a married couple when I am ready to leave. If you don’t want this then I will have to move forward with my life alone without you. Spell it out to her. It’s still a compromise – she still gets to go out and have fun with her friends but she also gets to spend the evening with her wonderful husband and she leaves with her husband…the guy she was lucky to snag and marry (she seems to be forgetting that!) You get to spend time with her and regain that trust and respect back and don’t feel bad that you want to leave at 11pm-12am because you worked hard all day.

 

NOT: Ok well you can still go out – just not so much anymore or things will change.

Ummm no…too many areas that she can say – well it wasn’t really clear so I assumed it would be ok…

 

KISS - KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID - Sounds pretty harsh, well she don’t seem to get the simple things, either by choice or not. Then keep it simple and spell it out for her. Then the ball is in her court. Either she plays or leaves the playground.

 

Above everything else, do us all a favour, find that Surfer we all know is deep down inside because we all want to meet him and I bet he’s a really GREAT guy!

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Edited June 23, 2011 by Donewrong

[Surfer203]

I am SO PISSED right now.. I just typed a huge response to all of you and the power went out suddenly.

 

Anyway, I will summarize - thanks for all of these great responses. I see a theme here. My wife is selfish and not putting in any effort really. Lots of talking but not any real action. This is extremely frustrating.

 

We had an incident yesterday, she asked me to grocery shop after work because she had been sick all week - which was no problem for me. I get home finally after an hour and half shopping and traffic and I get attitude over not buying enough of something on sale and something else that I can't recall. Just no need for it - I put in some effort, got the groceries, so what if I didn't purchase everything exactly right. haha I called her on her attitude and she denied it. She then realized that I was upset and I told her I expect an apology. She told me I would not be receiving one because she didn't think she was wrong. I then told her look.. I DEMAND respect from you. With all I do, working hard, take care of everything I deserve it. She then asked if she had not been lately. I noticed a bit more lately but not enough, not nearly enough. She finally apologized, seemed sincere. Rest of the night was a little off, but mostly normal.

 

As far as steps to fix things.. we are both still doing IC and started MC again last week. Our next appointment for MC is next Thursday.

 

I don't know how much more limbo I can take. It is getting old, fast. I want her but not at the expense of my sanity and self respect.

 

Sorry I couldn't respond more thoroughly to your posts, I have read them and am processing them. Thanks

[Owl]

Surfer, you've got some excellent advice from a lot of great posters (awesome to 'see' you again Mz. Pixie!!!!).

 

The concern I've got is that basically you're still living in fear of implementing any change, because you're still afraid that if you change something, your wife is going to walk away and leave you again.

 

Realize that if she does so...you'll live. You'll survive. You'll either reconcile with her eventually, or you'll learn to love someone else. You will be happy again.

 

You WANT her...but you don't NEED her.

 

As long as you NEED her...you'll never be willing to make the changes needed to truly repair the damage done by all of this. You'll never have the power that you need to work this all out to the right resolution.

 

You've got to accept that there's risk in trying to fix things. But taking that risk is the only way to fix things.

 

I honestly don't have any more advice to offer at this point. You KNOW what to do...you always have...you've just let fear prevent you from doing it. Until you face that fear, you're going to stay right where you're at and all the advice in the world won't help.

 

Good luck to you my friend.

[Surfer203]

Owl: I know I have been getting some great advice. I don't know how to actually make any of it really happen. I am fearful of losing her, you are completely right. I am terrified, I love her more than anything in this world. I DID however tell her that I WANT our relationship to work out, I don't NEED it to. I did say that within the past month. So, she does know that I can funtion with out her in the long run.

 

As for now, I don't get the impression that she is done with our relationship, I really don't - she has mentioned about one month ago that odds don't look good for our relationship. However she willing to do some things to work on it - she claims to "not be a quitter". So, I don't know what to believe. She also mentioned that, "maybe I just need to get all of the going out, socializing, etc. out of my system"

 

So frustrating.

[Donewrong]

She also mentioned that, "maybe I just need to get all of the going out, socializing, etc. out of my system" .

 

Seems like an excuse to keep going out. She's seeing if you'll believe the line she is feeding you. If he thinks this temporary, I can still do it. Cake eating is what it is. Selfish after what she has put you through. Your response should be... hell no - Choice is yours. Stop acting like a single teenager or get our marriage out of your system.

[debtman]

surfer,

 

Some GREAT advice here in these past few posts...

 

Read them...

 

For my part, I can't tell you how much better things have gotten since I started re-building who I was before getting married. I was happy, confident, empowered and a HUGE fan of life.

 

I've spent the last 2 months getting back into all the hobbies I was into before getting married (kayaking, rock climbing, skydiving, volleyball, kite surfing) and have tried new hobbies that I never had time to try out because of time (dancing, stand-up paddle boarding, wake boarding) and have re-established my connections with old friends and am making a TON of new friends, including some women who I'm trying to avoid getting involved with. My time is my own, I'm treating myself to home cooked gourmet meals, relaxing time in the garden and landscaping, finishing projects around the house and spending INCREDIBLE quality time with the kids. Finances are extremely tight and I'm doing everything for practically nothing, but it's all good.

 

LIFE IS GREAT!!! And, as things are constantly getting better for me, my stbx seems to be falling back into the rut she was in before OM came along. Seems like their "honeymoon" may be ending and she is once again unhappy with where she is in her life, keeps talking about moving out of state (which isn't going to happen without a fight and is a completely selfish idea on her part), changing careers and the lack of friends in the area...

 

So, I know you want to work on your relationship, but, seems like the best thing you can do right now, for yourself and your relationship is to work on YOU!!! Get out there, get happy, lay down some rules on spending, get out of debt, make your life what YOU want it to be...she may come along for the ride, she may not...that's not your choice.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Owl]

Seems like an excuse to keep going out. She's seeing if you'll believe the line she is feeding you. If he thinks this temporary, I can still do it. Cake eating is what it is. Selfish after what she has put you through. Your response should be... hell no - Choice is yours. Stop acting like a single teenager or get our marriage out of your system.

 

EXACTLY RIGHT.

 

It's an excuse.

 

She's a grown up. She needs to realize that it's WAAAAYYYYY past the time to "get it out of hre system".

 

She's married now. She either acts married...or gets divorced.

 

But if you accept anything less than one of those two options...you're giving her permission to treat you and your marriage that way.

 

If you don't insist on what you know is right...you're agreeing to letting her do what you know is wrong.

 

And that WILL destroy your marriage more rapidly than anything else I know.

 

She's asking you to accept her unacceptable behavior.

[Surfer203]

I agree with all of you - I have to do my own thing. She has to either commit to the marriage or F off. Simple as that.

 

We just had a bit of an argument on the phone. I told her I was not having a good day, told her I was stressed out she said why? "Work, Money and Us?" I said "Exactly." Then she asked me to call her and we went on for 10 minutes. I told her that I am stressed to the max and have no relief from it ever. I work all day and it sucks, then I go home to her and our situation and that sucks too. I told her, I don't feel respected by her, so why should I work all day and support her? She said, fine then don't support me anymore. She didn't mean it, just trying to be tough or something.

 

I am fuming now.. I am getting so fed up.

[PegNosePete]

why should I work all day and support her? She said, fine then don't support me anymore. She didn't mean it

I suspect she said it because she knows you didn't mean it either.

 

One day she will get a nasty surprise when you DO mean it.

[Surfer203]

PNP: You are right man.. she couldn't support herself before for 2 months when she left me. No job, since October.. no motivation.

 

If I ended our relationship, I would be fine.. it would suck for a while but I could always borrow money from my parents, or move in to the apartment connected to their house for a while. Get some renters into my house. I still have my job.. which pays well.

 

She would have no job, no place to go really except home to her family in Canada who are broke and don't have money to bail her out. She would have tons of debt and I certainly would not make things easy on her in a divorce.

[Donewrong]

Surfer - I assume you guys share a bank account. If not, have you considered seperate accounts and whatever she is getting from employment insurance would basically have to be paid for you..mortgage, bills, food etc. That is something else you may want to consider. She has to realize that you are more than a welcome mat to wipe her boots on that you have been providing a comfortable place for her - you have been the provider through all this. Don't give her free reign over your finances. She haven't proved herself yet!

 

She wants to act like a single person...she should be treated like one. Take away the benefits.

[What_Next]

Great posts, great addvice. I am so very lucky to have a wife like Donewrong. .

 

I have said this again and again Surfer, you need to hear it again. This boils down to RESPECT. A woman CANNOT love a man she does not respect.

 

I agree with the comment that your wife wants to act single but be married.

 

We're pulling for you.

[BlindRage]

PNP: You are right man.. she couldn't support herself before for 2 months when she left me. No job, since October.. no motivation.

 

If I ended our relationship, I would be fine.. it would suck for a while but I could always borrow money from my parents, or move in to the apartment connected to their house for a while. Get some renters into my house. I still have my job.. which pays well.

 

She would have no job, no place to go really except home to her family in Canada who are broke and don't have money to bail her out. She would have tons of debt and I certainly would not make things easy on her in a divorce.

 

 

Do you think this is a motive on why she's sticking around milking the situation?

[Surfer203]

DW: Well.. she does have her own bank account and credit card - she got them both when she left me in the fall. Her unemployment goes directly into that account. She does not draw from our joint account or use our credit card anymore. So that is good.

 

WN: You are lucky, she is a really nice person - has a good head on her shoulders from what I can gather. As far as the respect thing - yeah.. I understand fully. I am demanding more respect, now I have to start acting in a manner that COMMANDS respect. She certainly seems to want the best of both worlds.. she can't have that.

 

BlindRage: I think it may be. It is not the reason she came home I don't think. I think she realized she F'ed up and wanted me back.. she made a bad choice. Now.. hmmm maybe.. I really am not 100% sure of anything yet.

[Surfer203]

She insists that her actions have shown she cares for me. I told her - still, I feel alone in many ways.. she feels the same way. Well duh! It's because you are detaching from your husband emotionally, mentally, sexually, etc. Not interacting with my family much either, no effort. Of course you feel that way. Just was texting back and forth she brought my car in to have the tire fixed, was very nice in her comments back and forth... almost too nice. It seems like she is trying to be extra nice. I don't know what to make of all this. Looks like there will be another in depth stressful talk tonight.

[updown]

she doesn't want to be married. she wants to be bankrolled!

 

she wants to get it out of her system?? let her! on her own time and her own dime. " ok wife, you want to play out this single life you feel you're missing out on........ move out. get your own place. find the money to pay for all of it. because i am NO LONGER FOOTING YOUR BILL!!!"

 

get a separate bank acct. put all the bill money and your money in there. leave her with her unemployment and that's it. that's what she has to spend. if she needs to go grocery shopping, give her what 50-100 bucks, cash. implement a cash only system in your house.

 

if there is no money, there is no going out. see what the result is. she is escaping you and your marriage as much as she possibly can. i would expect her to find something to replace the going out.

 

your life won't change, at all, until you get over the "i don't want to lose her." as long as your thinking like that, nothing will change. you will LIVE without here. she's not the last woman on the planet, nor is she the end all be all. if you were dating her would you put up with this? if this is who you met would you still want to be with her for the rest of your life? would you still want to have babies with her? the person sitting in front of you, that's her true self! she is showing it to you. do you like it? whomever you knew before this affair isn't coming back. that woman, will probably never come back!!

 

don't sit around waiting for something that's not going to happen. don't wait for HER to change or want to change. do not, DO NOT, do this on her time line or her terms!!

 

chop down the money tree, NOW!!

[Surfer203]

updown: As far as I can tell she does not spend much money at all. From what I can tell she is being very responsible financially.. when she goes out I don't think she spends much money at all. I have no way to monitor this really though.

 

I don't make enough for her to use all of the unemployment money, at this point I need it to pay bills and survive, so that won't work.

 

What frustrates me is AFTER she came back home she was the woman I married and more. She was awesome.. now some how she is not acting the same way, some how something changed for her. I don't get it.. I haven't changed a thing.

[Donewrong]

I don't get it.. I haven't changed a thing.

 

You said it all right there surfer..you haven't changed a thing. You know this...now change things and see what happens!

 

That is why she is sliding back into that single person she is acting like...because nothing has changed and you are allowing her to do it.

[Donewrong]

Great posts, great addvice. I am so very lucky to have a wife like Donewrong. .

 

I am very lucky to have you too WN

[Surfer203]

Loud and clear DW... now will that make a difference to her? Or she is just too selfish and stuck in her ways for it to matter. That is my fear. I am ruled by fear lately.. it really is demoralizing.

[Surfer203]

DW and WN: You guys are cute.. get a room!