How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[What_Next]

What frustrates me is AFTER she came back home she was the woman I married and more. She was awesome.. now some how she is not acting the same way, some how something changed for her. I don't get it.. I haven't changed a thing.

 

Are you sure about that or have you invented that in your mind's eye? From my reading she was far from the ideal wife upon her return, nor was she was acting like a remorseful cheater.

 

Just playing devils advocate.

[Owl]

Loud and clear DW... now will that make a difference to her? Or she is just too selfish and stuck in her ways for it to matter. That is my fear. I am ruled by fear lately.. it really is demoralizing.

 

Courage is not the absence of fear...it's doing the right thing in the face of fear. Not sure who said that...but darn weren't they right.

 

Stop letting fear dictate your actions.

 

Start letting your mind control your actions.

[Surfer203]

WN: No man.. she was amazing. It took a little time to be intimate again because she was battling being uncomfortable with what she did.. but we were getting along so well. She was cleaning and cooking every night.. we hung out a lot, did stuff. It was really great. Now.. here we are again, CRAP.

[Surfer203]

Owl: The problem is my mind works in mysterious ways.. haha. I can't help but to blow everything out of proportion, read into things and worry endlessly. It is a real problem.

[LifesontheUp]

WN: No man.. she was amazing. It took a little time to be intimate again because she was battling being uncomfortable with what she did.. but we were getting along so well. She was cleaning and cooking every night.. we hung out a lot, did stuff. It was really great. Now.. here we are again, CRAP.

 

Honeymoon period. You are now back full circle.

 

Please go read about co dependancy.

[FreeNow]

I can't help but to blow everything out of proportion, read into things and worry endlessly. It is a real problem.

 

It is a real problem... you don't trust her and she's not really done anything substantial to earn that trust.

 

If she is a smart cake eater, she will figure out how to lull you back to sleep. Twenty years goes by pretty fast when you're asleep. It's not pretty when one looks back to the time they closed their eyes to the behaviour and bought, wholesale, the cake eater's deception. Those are years one will never get back. Hopefully, this won't be your situation.

[Mz. Pixie]

Owl: The problem is my mind works in mysterious ways.. haha. I can't help but to blow everything out of proportion, read into things and worry endlessly. It is a real problem.

 

WRONG!

 

What exactly do you think you've blown out of proportion here? IMO you are taking everything way too lightly. And I haven't even read the entire thread.

 

Fact-Your wife had an affair

 

Fact-She moved out to be with this person

 

Fact-She ended up back home-either by her choice out of love or necessity I can't tell which.

 

Fact-She goes out weekly without her husband-spending money she doesn't have because she doesn't work.

 

Fact-she's not having sex with you

 

Fact-she's detached from you and spending as much time away from you or doing other things to keep from connecting with you

 

Fact- she has not put the work in to earning back your trust

 

I could go on and on and on with this subject. The mistake that you made Surfer is that when you let her come home-boom-in a way she considered that she had arrived! Forgiven-and that she had you! After a few months no need to work on it.

 

You are so not blowing anything out of proportion!!!!!! You are not in recovery!!!!! And even if you were you wouldn't be blowing it out of proportion.

 

Are you so dependent on your thought of being with her that you are willing to continue to allow her to do this to you? Is she so worth the few crumbs you are getting now that you will be willing to tolerate this another six months? I have news for you-there are tons of people on forums that have been living in limbo for longer than you have. Some on MB. I wish I could remember his name off the top of my head-if it comes to me I will come back and post it but you should go and read his threads there. Years and his wife continues to do the same things to him. He is miserable. Miserable. He is older though with children.

 

It sounds to me like finances are not a reason on your end to stay with her and that she has more to lose than you do if you split. I personally definitely think that debt is one reason she is back home. Definitely.

 

Donewrong has given you some wonderful advice too- as has the ever wise Owl-who I have been posting on and off with for years. You stated you don't know how- you take the first step. A first step.

 

Do her parents know about the affair? Do yours?

 

I guess perhaps in a way I am saying fake it until you make it. It may be foreign to you to try to man up to her and you may be afraid-but you don't have to give in to it. You don't have to show it. I have had to do some really hard things in my life-things I was really afraid to do-including confronting my mom about her husband abusing me. I was terrified-but it gave me so much power. Best thing I ever did in the way of my recovery.

 

She is not going to wake up and decide on her own-the affair and wayward dynamic doesn't work that way. I want you to really pay attention to this next part-

 

What your wife is after is the chemical high of the affair. When she came home and you had the hysterical bonding period she got that. Then when things settled down-that went away-because you guys went right back to how things were before her affair. Which probably wasn't perfect for either of you if you want to admit it. She is now looking for that next high-thus the need for going out to bars. She is very vulnerable right now looking for that high. If she happens to find it-she will be like a drug addict. Trust me on this. She needs to learn that it's not a real love connection but her reaction to a chemical in her brain being activated by someone. In a way you can learn to activate some of those chemicals. Marriagebuilders can teach you how to do that for each other. Think about it.

[updown]

that's what i keep telling you!! you need to stop apologizing and blaming yourself for YOUR feelings. YOU need to own them! you are NOT blowing things out of proportion. she cheated and has done diddly squat to make up for that! you are allowed to be angry. you are allowed to blow up. you are NOT allowed to throw things or call her nasty names though. that's just mean and makes you stoop to her level.

 

but, you put your foot down and then stand your ground man. like i've said before, she is acting like a child. if she were my kid, she'd KNOW i meant business. my kids KNOW when not to mess with me! she's acting like a 2 yr old basically. pushing boundaries, pushing buttons.

 

get pissed, get mad, get annoyed and STOP saying " i'm over reacting!"

 

yup yup to mz pixie!!

[PegNosePete]

As far as I can tell she does not spend much money at all. From what I can tell she is being very responsible financially.. when she goes out I don't think she spends much money at all. I have no way to monitor this really though.

Sorry to be playing Mr. Blunt again dude

 

WHY THE HELL NOT? When you took her back the first thing you insisted on was total transparency was it not? She is/was a cheating wife, so your trust in her was zero. You should have access to all her communications and this should include bank statements.

 

Especially since you are the financially responsible one. You are paying all the bills and doing all the household budgeting while she is going for meals out and complaining at you for buying the wrong groceries. You need to see how much she is getting and what she is spending it on. She can see the same of you if she wants. That is how finances in a marriage should work. What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours etc. She seems to think that she can give you a certain amount of her unemployment and what's left, she can blow. Well I would put it to her that she gives you EVERYTHING, you pay the bills, and then IF there's any left over, she can have her nights out and you can have your new toys or whatever, in EQUAL proportions. If there's nothing left after bills are paid - tough. Her attitude at the moment is "what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own"!

[Mz. Pixie]

I meant to point out what Peg pointed out too but I got so caught up on my rampage about your denial of your right to have anger over what she has done that I totally forgot.

 

She should be giving you her funds now as she has no job. You should be managing the bills since you are in debt. Bills are paid first-then money for counseling-fun money as a couple. Very last on the list is fun money for her if there is anything left. If I were you for a while I would make sure there was no fun money-and she was forced to sit at home with her hubby talking or watching a movie cuddled up on the couch. Read MB the policy of undivided attention. Are you getting the hours they say is required per week for recovery? Don't think so.

[Surfer203]

Lifesontheup: Yeah.. that is what I figured too.

 

Freenow: I don't know how long the cake eating can go on, both of us are miserable with the state of our marriage, not getting along is really hard. I believe either one of us may end it at any time. This will not go on for years believe me.

 

Mz. Pixie: You are on the right track as always. I do blow up a lot.. I did last night too. She was up and at around 1 AM... I went downstairs and told her to go to bed, it was late and she had a class in the morning - after being sick for a while she was feeling well enough to go. She seems to think she can operate on 6 or less hours of sleep. Stupid.. I feel like her Dad some times. She gets mad at me for coming down and a fight ensues. Typical.. I will not be doing that anymore. Not worth it. Both of our parents and immediate families know about what happened IN DEPTH. I made sure of that after it went down. I know she is going out to avoid our situation.. I know that. I don't know if she is after a chemical high. I think it is more so avoidance than anything. I told her if she put the amount of effort avoiding as she did working on it we would be in a great place.

 

 

updown: Sometimes I DO over react though.. I know I do. Some times it is warranted but other times not and it just makes things worse.

 

PegNosePete: Good idea.. all money should get transferred to me and then I dictate where it goes. That is probably the best way to do it. She has made it clear that she is not responsible enough for that role.

[PegNosePete]

I went downstairs and told her to go to bed, it was late and she had a class in the morning [...] I will not be doing that anymore.

Indeed. Tell her that if she does not come to bed with you, then she can sleep on the couch. If she continues to crawl in to bed after you then put a bolt on the bedroom door. Seriously.

 

She will probably bitch and whine if you start controlling the money, say how you're treating her like a kid. Tell her that you'll let her be responsible for the money when she can be responsible with it. Tell her she is more than welcome to look at the accounts and help with the financial planning whenever she likes. But as Mz P said, the priorities are bills, then MC, then joint fun and then if any is left, split 50/50 for individual fun.

[Surfer203]

PNP: I am with you man. The problem is.. she NEEDS sleep to function properly. The noise at night wakes me up when I have to work in the morning. Also, when she finally does come to bed I am awoken again to her coming in the room, getting in bed etc. It is really rude - she does not quite understand for some reason.

 

Regarding the money thing, I like that budgetary breakdown - that would work for me. I am also going to start documenting all money spent and ask her to do the same.

[PegNosePete]

PNP: I am with you man. The problem is.. she NEEDS sleep to function properly. The noise at night wakes me up when I have to work in the morning. Also, when she finally does come to bed I am awoken again to her coming in the room, getting in bed etc. It is really rude - she does not quite understand for some reason.

Oh man, shut that sh*t right down. That is not how married couples operate. You should be going to bed together and getting up together. Hell since she is out of work she can get up before you and make you breakfast in bed!

 

Tell her she either comes to bed with you, or you'll find someone who will!!!

[Surfer203]

I agree.. we have had SEVERAL fights over this. Also, when I wake up I am in a groggy state and that adds fuel to the fire.. I am very irrational and get really mad.

[Donewrong]

You won't be doing anything wrong by taking her money and using it towards the bills. The bills are there because of you both not just you.

 

As adults we know what our priorities are: Housing, bills, and food - Necessities. Going out to dinner and clubs are luxuries. As adults we know that sometimes we sacrifice our luxuries for our necessities. She is going to have to grow up and realize that she is not a teenager with a father to give her an allowance. She is an adult that has adult priorities and clubbing and dining out don't fall in that category. RESPONSIBILITIES!

 

If there is extra money left over after everything is taken care of – then the money can be used for you both to do something together. The clubbing needs to stop anyway. Clubbing is for singles…not married people. This will help put a stop to it period!

[Surfer203]

Part of me just wants to jump ship. I am tired of the pain and uncertainty. Regarding the money DW, I am in complete agreement. She told me yesterday since she is feeling better her job hunt is getting into full force, I think that will also help to put an end to her socializing lifestyle.

[PegNosePete]

I agree.. we have had SEVERAL fights over this. Also, when I wake up I am in a groggy state and that adds fuel to the fire.. I am very irrational and get really mad.

Don't have any more fights. She knows how you feel. Calmly explain that from now on she comes to bed with you or she can find another bed. Then make it so (by means of a bolt on the door if necessary).

[Surfer203]

She has no reason to get up, that's why she stays up later. Also, she claims staying up and playing video games (Call of Duty) is an escape for her. She thinks about our relationship all day (SO DO I.) So she needs a mental escape from it. It's kind of bull sh**.

[turnera]

Part of me just wants to jump ship. I am tired of the pain and uncertainty. Regarding the money DW, I am in complete agreement. She told me yesterday since she is feeling better her job hunt is getting into full force, I think that will also help to put an end to her socializing lifestyle.

Are you going to try leading your marriage and showing her what you will not tolerate, or are you going to continue to ASK her to participate and HOPE that she'll grant you her assistance?

 

Women HATE weak men. They just do. The weaker you become, the more she despises you. And USES you. She's just waiting for you to man up and tell her either get on board or get out. She has no respect left for you.

[Surfer203]

I have told her that basically.. her not leaving shows me that she wants to work it out. If not, go live your life elsewhere with out a husband, you can make your own rules, stay out all night do whatever the F you want.

[PegNosePete]

She has no reason to get up

So give her one. 3 rashers of bacon, 2 eggs over easy, toast and fresh coffee please.

 

You're at work all day so she can have a job too: HOUSEWIFE. If she doesn't like it, tough sh*t, you don't like your job either but you don't quit.

[leedlee1]

I have told her that basically.. her not leaving shows me that she wants to work it out. If not, go live your life elsewhere with out a husband, you can make your own rules, stay out all night do whatever the F you want.

 

 

NO! No! No! what you have told her is i am going be here waiting for you like a lost puppy untill YOU are ready to show me you want me. This is what she is now thinking. Why cant you see this ????

 

What you said to her makes you look very weak indeed Manly words with no consequence!. What do you mean "if not go live your life elsewhere" This sentence tells her Oh i am very frustrated but its ok i will wait for you to make your mind up if you want me

 

You are constantly putting the ball into her court Waiting for HER!. You really need to turn this around so YOUR in control Or sorry my friend you are going to loose her and look back at this thread and punch yourself for not taking the advise!

 

You really need to man up or you will regret it! sorry to be so blunt but i look back with frustration on your situation having been exactly where you are!. Man up now or loose her forever! She has no consequences to fear for her actions atall. WORDS MEAN NOTHING!!

[Donewrong]

She has no reason to get up, that's why she stays up later. Also, she claims staying up and playing video games (Call of Duty) is an escape for her. She thinks about our relationship all day (SO DO I.) So she needs a mental escape from it. It's kind of bull sh**.

 

Ummm no.. I know it's exhausting..but it's even more exhausting if your up all night not getting a good nights sleep. It's just a story to put you off a lil longer Surfer. Your married...you go to bed with your spouse..get up with them in the morning. Crap she has all day alone - isn't that enough of an escape????

Plus she does have reason to get up in the morning:

1.Looking for a job - is a full time job

2. Research on how to work on your marriage

3. cleaning the house that you are working to keep

4. cooking dinner for you who is working hard all day.

5. time alone to heal herself..

etc. etc. etc

 

She dont have reason to get up in the morning is just an excuse and we all know it.

[Surfer203]

PNP: Sounds tasty.. haha good reasoning.

 

leedlee1: I am putting it in her court, that's true. I have to change that.

 

Donewrong: All of your points are exactly what she should be doing. I thought the same thing.. you have ALL DAY to escape from me. Excuses, excuses.. getting sick of them.