How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Donewrong]

Excuses, excuses.. getting sick of them.

 

Then stop saying it and take action! Show her someone she is not expecting. Someone not willing to bend over and take it for her. The roles should be reversed right now!!

[turnera]

When you get home tonight, sit her down and say 'this is not working, you are not contributing to our marriage and I can't continue this way. If you don't want to make changes, I will help you pack your bags tomorrow morning. I'll help you find someplace else to stay. I'll expect your answer in the morning.'

[Surfer203]

DW: You are right. Time for a change. Should be an interesting weekend.

[Surfer203]

turnera: That is not my style.. but maybe it has to be at this point...

[updown]

no, her staying is only saying that she needs a roof over her head, a place to sleep, and disposable income for even just the internet! her staying most certainly does not mean she wants to work things out. nope. not at all.

 

1am is fine if YOU"RE up til 1 am. it doesn't work if you're in bed and she's up. she wants to play her game, you tell her she gets to ONE night, ONE night and she has to be in bed by a reasonable hour OR she sleeps on the sofa that night. like peg said. she IS NOT GOING TO CHOOSE TO CHANGE!!! she is not going to just do it because you asked her to. she is not going to meet you half way because you asked her to.

 

 

she KNOWS you're not serious in any of your threats. how does she know this??? you have NO FOLLOW THROUGH at all! she is a child. and children KNOW that if they're parents don't follow through then they have NOTHING to worry about. it's when the parents actually follow through that the children learn ANYTHING!

 

as i said before. take control of the finances. make it a cash only house. give her just what she needs to buy food and get gas and nothing more. no more hair appts, no more going out, no more clothes shopping ( unless it's for work). tell her you need to get out of debt and this is the way it's going to happen. stop the disposable income flow that you are currently providing her with.

 

and stop being so afraid that she'll get pissed at you. LET HER! if she gets pissed but DOES IT and RESPECTS your choice, then you have a better idea of how serious she is that she wants this to work. if she get's pissed and DOESN"T RESPECT you, then you have your answer about how she truly feels. if she says " f you, i'm leaving." LET HER!

 

her getting a job is not going to stop her socializing or her game playing, or her escaping her marriage. it will give her more chances and more money to do those things with............. her escaping your marriage will continue UNTIL the marriage changes and she realizes she either needs to commit to staying or LEAVE. her need for escape will be there til she realizes she doesn't need to escape and that is something that only she can realize. the job isn't going to fix any of that.

 

as far as i can see it, you have two choices. 1. you choose to either truly work at saving your marriage and that means playing hardball, setting boundaries and ground rules. it means being the "mean guy" it means maybe pissing her off big time. it means taking your life back and moving forward, NOT waiting for her to say yea or nay! i haven't done the marriage/ divorce busters or whatever it's called that mz pixie recommends, but it probably wouldn't hurt at this point...........or

2. separate. at least a trial. put some space between the two of you and see what happens...... but, that means she is on her own. no supporting her!

 

there always is status quo if you want to stay on this course for an undetermined amount of time.........

 

 

and maybe there are times you're overreacting and shouldn't be, but you know what!!!! she moved out and cheated on YOU. you don't have to be nice. you are allowed to be pissed and over react. she hasn't done anything to earn back the trust, so of course you're going to feel uncertain about things!!! be honest with yourself too.

[Surfer203]

updown: I think you are right.. I know you are. I think some of those reasons are keeping her at our home. But she could just as easily hit the road and live with a friend or family member.

 

You are right, I have been all talk and no follow through - that has to change.

 

She claims the job will diminish those other activities, it will remain to be seen. I personally think it will take the edge off of it.

 

I don't know which way I will go, I know I can't live like this much longer. I was on the road to recovery and accepted her back because I loved her and thought she had seen the error in her ways. Now I feel like all of my recovery was worthless because I am back in the same situation only this time with over double the debt!

[Surfer203]

Also, I can't prove it.. but I think her IC therapist is enabling her and my wife is not being completely honest.. no therapist will say "yeah, it's fine for a married woman to be out all hours of the night and playing video games late every night" no one would say that is okay.. no one would justify any of her behavior. Drives me nuts. I kind of want to call her therapist and tell her to F Off.

[GorillaTheater]

Enough with your stereotypes about women and their distorted view of "respect." She's not treating him like crap because he chooses to sit and sulk in his own misery, she's doing it because she wants to and she cares about nobody but herself. Her perception of him is nothing to be taken seriously, considering she disrespects this man on a daily basis.

 

Don't see the need to attack Turnera; I think she's absolutely correct. Demanding respect from your wife and enforcing reasonable boundaries and expectations of behavior may not save a marriage, but without doing so your marriage is going to flat-out suck.

 

Surfer may need to divorce his wife; I would but that's his call. But whichever way he goes, he needs to stop putting up with crap behavior and demand appropriate behavior from his wife. She may not love him for it, but she WILL respect him. And without respect, there won't be much if any love anyways.

[LifesontheUp]

Ummm no.. I know it's exhausting..but it's even more exhausting if your up all night not getting a good nights sleep. It's just a story to put you off a lil longer Surfer. Your married...you go to bed with your spouse..get up with them in the morning. Crap she has all day alone - isn't that enough of an escape????

Plus she does have reason to get up in the morning:

1.Looking for a job - is a full time job

2. Research on how to work on your marriage

3. cleaning the house that you are working to keep

4. cooking dinner for you who is working hard all day.

5. time alone to heal herself..

etc. etc. etc

 

She dont have reason to get up in the morning is just an excuse and we all know it.

 

Bingo!

 

Sounds like she is avoiding going to bed with you Surfer. Why?

[Surfer203]

I am not sure.. I really want to see if this changes once she gets a job. I don't know if I have much more energy or patience to wait around and see to be honest. I am in so much pain - I been to the gym once in the past month.. I feel my face looks different.. like the stress is taking it's toll on me and I can see it. I am tired of this.

[LifesontheUp]

I feel for you I really do, thats why I've been posting.

 

Can I ask you a question? You don't need to answer, but I hope you will think about it.

 

When you took your wife back, was it out of love or was it because you couldn't be on your own? Think long and hard about it.

[GorillaTheater]

When you took your wife back, was it out of love or was it because you couldn't be on your own? Think long and hard about it.

 

Then there's the fairly common third reason: absolute refusal to let the OM "win". Every competitive instinct kicks in. And if you DO win, sometimes you're left scratching your head over the quality of the prize.

[Surfer203]

Purely out of a deep love for my wife, that's why I took her back. I was honestly moving on. At the end of her being away I was starting to feel good again, I had divorce papers ready to go. Would have been fine on my own.

[BlindRage]

Purely out of a deep love for my wife, that's why I took her back. I was honestly moving on. At the end of her being away I was starting to feel good again, I had divorce papers ready to go. Would have been fine on my own.

 

Thats a risk you knew you would take when she came back. If this time it doesn't change, no matter how much you love her... sometime it will have to end. Better when you can still get over it, and by saying "I had divorce papers ready to go. Would have been fine on my own" it sounds like its better sooner. (if it doesn't improve of course)

[What_Next]

Surfer, this is so hard to watch/read. It really is.

 

You are justifying her terrible behavior, almost excusing it. You are enabling her to get away with it. You aren't a parent so you cannot see it but she is acting like a classic child. She sees no consequences for her actions therefore she won't change.

 

You then pick fights with her, which you end up feeling bad about, then you hang your head in shame and come here to vent. NO. STOP.

 

What I suggest is to sit down and get all your demands on paper, yes I am saying demands. Get them all written out, thought out properly. Then either give them to her to read without you being there, or go over them with her. Treat this like any negotiation you would enter into. Although it's not so much negotiation.

 

Bud I am pulling for you, but literally hundreds of people have given you almost the same advice, yet you have ignored almost every single bit of it. I honestly believe you are TERRIFED!!!!! of losing her and she bloody well knows it. I told you when you took her back that it was a mistake in the way you did it. You were so overjoyed that she took you back (yes I see it as HER taking YOU back) that you ignored it.

 

I have confidence in the ability for Donewrong and I to get through our issues, because at it's core we learned a VERY valuable lesson through what we went through. That lesson is that we REALLY REALLY REALLY want to be with each other. We respect each other and we clearly understand what EACH of us brings to the table. Sorry bud but your wife is using you right now. Tell me something why couldn't you just take the game console and toss it into the trash and say ENOUGH of the damned gaming? Why because you are afraid she might get mad and leave. That is no way to live.

 

Unless YOU get off your a&& and change this situation it is going to end VERY badly for you.

 

Blunt, to the point, but it needs saying.

 

My fingers are numb

[turnera]

Also, I can't prove it.. but I think her IC therapist is enabling her and my wife is not being completely honest.. no therapist will say "yeah, it's fine for a married woman to be out all hours of the night and playing video games late every night" no one would say that is okay.. no one would justify any of her behavior. Drives me nuts. I kind of want to call her therapist and tell her to F Off.

Call her therapist and tell her YOUR side of it. So she can better help her client.

[turnera]

I am not sure.. I really want to see if this changes once she gets a job. I don't know if I have much more energy or patience to wait around and see to be honest. I am in so much pain - I been to the gym once in the past month.. I feel my face looks different.. like the stress is taking it's toll on me and I can see it. I am tired of this.

So change something.

 

What are you REALLY afraid of?

 

That she will leave you?

 

Is that seriously the worst thing that can happen in your life?

[Surfer203]

BlindRage: She knew I had the papers when she came back. I have also stated to her that I would be fine without her.

 

WN: I see that she is acting like a child and I am tired of it. My problem is I am scared of losing her.. in a way I already have lost her. You are right man.. I used to suffer from mild anxiety.. and I think that is what is causing me not to be able to really talk to my wife and put it out there properly. A list of things to change? I don't know.. I don't think I have the ability to change the situation and I fear it will end bad anyway. I am losing hope. FML.

 

turnera: Yes I am afraid of that. Not the worst thing that could happen, but certainly high up there on the list.

 

Is it absurd to call her therapist and tell her what's really going on?

[turnera]

turnera: Yes I am afraid of that. Not the worst thing that could happen, but certainly high up there on the list.

Can you see yourself in two years with a wife who shows such independent behavior, gives you nothing in return, and spends your money without recourse?

 

Then what's different now?

 

TEACH her to respect you by respecting yourself. With unfaithful spouses, it is best to only allow them back with a PLAN. Such plans should include:

A No Contact letter that she writes and YOU send to any OM; a psychological break for both of you.

An agreement to attend marriage counseling until the betrayed spouse is satisfied with the changes the wayward has made.

A new arrangement for what will go on in the household, that will make it hard for her to cheat or wander again; such arrangements should include NO going to bars or clubs without the spouse; NO staying up late and contacting other people without the spouse around; NO other independent behavior that keeps the wayward/former wayward from becoming fully engaged back in your relationship.

An agreement as to what will happen if you catch them cheating again - including sudden, immediate removal from the home, no questions asked.

A new arrangement over money, including not allowing WS/FWS to spend money YOU don't previously agree to; in other words, shut off the money and give it to her only when she discusses it with you first; if she doesn't like it, she can go get a job and McDonalds and pay for it herself.

 

Have you done any of that?

[GorillaTheater]

That's retarded

 

 

Yeah, totally retarded to enforce boundaries and to stand up for yourself, and to expect respect in return.

 

That attitude serve you well in life?

[Surfer203]

turnera: MOST of that happened when she came home.. things were going to well that it did not to go to the extent that you mention. Then suddenly it spirals out of control and it is too late now. That's the problem.

 

Regarding her working a minimum wage job.. nope that can't work - we are barely surviving on half her old salary let alone 1/4 or less of it.

[2sunny]

You said it all right there surfer..you haven't changed a thing. You know this...now change things and see what happens!

 

That is why she is sliding back into that single person she is acting like...because nothing has changed and you are allowing her to do it.

 

yep... she is doing these things to you because YOU are ALLOWING it.

 

solution = stop allowing it.

 

tell her to take her selfish attitude and behavior and go somewhere else for a LOOOOONG while.

 

for you? STOP reacting and over reacting to everything she says and does/doesn't do. your happiness shouldn't depend upon her... that is yours and yours alone... with or without her.

 

YOU have given her WAY too much POWER! take back YOUR power... set the boundaries... stick to them... get her away for a long while so you can regain the focus on YOU and becoming a healthier you - a better sense of who YOU are... without all her chaos and drama.

 

it's hard to see what is real when the chaos and drama are present... so you may be capable of making more reasonable choices for YOUR future if you clear away the wreckage... she needs to get out of your daily life... you need to get settled... mind, body and spirit = get centered = then you will be capable of seeing what YOUR priorities should be.

 

no contact with her for a while should help you gain clarity on what happy looks like for YOU.

[GorillaTheater]

As I said in my previous reply to you, which you intentionally ignored, you stand up for yourself for you, not for someone else.

 

And it's a waste of energy and life to keep putting up with this abuse.

 

 

 

I could ask you the same question.

 

You want to fight with me Harris or help Surfer? Frankly, I'm getting to the point where I'm good either way.

 

If you play doormat to a woman, fail to stand up for yourself, cater to her needs while she gets away with ignoring yours, and fail to enforce reasonable boundaries, she WILL lose respect for you. Guaranteed. Right or wrong, it's just the way things work. As respect declines, so does love. Hell, alot of women will test whether or not you'll stand your ground, even when the relationship is otherwise good (see: sh*t test).

 

If Surfer wants to save this, his only real chance is to man up. And whether you believe it or not, if he does, he will regain her respect. That may well not be enough to reconcile the marriage, but it's what he has to do regardless of whether the marriage is saved or not.

 

Clear enough, or is the Asperger's thing proving a hurdle?

[FreeNow]

Whatever is motivating her behaviour won't fundamentally change when she gets a job. Her excuses will appear to have more validity; become more believable. You will second guess yourself even more.

 

This is who she is, Surfer. You are attempting to patch a marriage with duct tape. Really.

 

I agree with those that post suggestions to show her your strength. However, what happens down the road when you aren't at your strongest? If you fell seriously ill for an extended period in the future? When she won't make non-selfish, responsible decisions because your strength isn't motivating her to do the right things?

 

Surfer, there are no children and she has shown you what she's made of. The choice is yours, but, if it were my marriage, I'd end it and build something stronger with someone else that already has their own strength of character.

 

You'll always be 'raising' this child-wife. She won't 'grow up' because she hasn't had to and probably never will. If you continue, the only thing left for her to do is learn how to game you; how to become less detectable. She is going to follow the path of least resistance; that's who she is, that's what she does. IMHO, you are a resource to her, not a partner to love and cherish.

 

She is all grown up now. Nothing you will do can change her. Only she can do that. It's not very likely with you enabling her. All you can do is control decisions in your own life. It's time to wake up and begin living again.

[Surfer203]

I really appreciate all of the constructive opinions and suggestions, all of you. Thanks. I have REALLY started to sense a shift in how I am thinking about this situation. You have opened up my eyes and I am not just saying that. I am going to try and get through this weekend without childish BS. Going to try and have one more constructive talk with her and lay down the law. This may be the defining point in our reconciliation or the end of it. I am just sick of being disrespected and I DEMAND better for myself. I deserve it.. I am a good guy, huge heart and all I want out of life is to love and be loved in return. I want to lead a positive life and now is the time to get that back into full swing. Pray for me.