How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[GorillaTheater]

Make a decision, are you going to be 100% in the marriage, or 100% out of it? Either choice is fine, but pick one. If you're "in", then lead the marriage, set the tone, take control of the financial situation, and do anything else you need to do. She'll either follow or she won't. Either way, you'll have your answer. What you need to do is convince yourself that you'll be fine regardless of what happens to the marriage. I think your failure to get to that point is what's causing alot of the frustration with you. What's the worst thing that can happen? You'll lose your wife? Frankly man, I'm not sure you'd be losing all that much.

 

You should value yourself too much to put up with this crap.

[Surfer203]

Mr. Harris.. I see her befriending my social circle and family as further engrossing herself in my world. Why would any one who does not want to reside within my world do that? I don't believe she is trying to F any of them to by honest, haha.

 

GorillaTheater: I agree with that, for now I am 100% for the marriage. Seeing how it goes. The point is, where/when does it end?! Is there a timeline, I don't know. Can't do this forever but am willing to give it a bit more time.

 

I know I will be fine with out her, I was fine when she left me (eventually). I can be fine again, probably even quicker this time. I just love her SO much. I think she is an amazing person (in general). I don't want to lose her or the bond we developed over the past 10 years. This is a woman who once everything is tweaked and we are stable I would want to raise my kids and share my life with. I think she is worth the effort but it is starting to not feel that way.

 

I am being honest with you all, I am hanging on by a thread at this point. I know I can thrive either way.

[What_Next]

So I'm going to state the obvious.

 

In other words...nothing at all has changed.

 

Couldn't agree more.

[turnera]

We had a small talk, my wife insists that she is TRYING and showing me EFFORT towards our relationship. My response is "why am I not feeling like you are then?" - she responded by being upset and angry. Typical.

That's because that was a worthless discussion. No goals were set, no tangible evidence was asked for, no specific effort or action was asked of her.

 

Be specific.

 

Wife, I want to spend 15 hours a week with you. If you say you're working on the marriage, figure out how to make that happen. (it's recommended to spend that much time to rekindle or keep alive a marriage, despite kids)

 

Wife, I need to see that you're making efforts. One such way would be for you to stop ABC and start XYZ. Will you do that?

 

We'll reassess in 30 days from today and see if these specific things have changed. I need them to want to stay in this marriage, and if they don't happen, I'll take it as a signal that you are not actually interested, and we will separate.

[Surfer203]

turnera: Yeah... that sounds like a reasonable way to continue and something I could do. I am just so confliced with all of the advice I get here and then what is in my own mind. It's tough.

[turnera]

Both of you have feelings and both of you are entitled to those feelings. What makes a good marriage is when you put your selfishness aside and work together to find what works for both of you. That requires acknowledging each others' feelings, but then moving beyond that.

 

Maybe it's time to find a marriage counselor.

[BlindRage]

How about a trial separation?

[Lexygirl]

That's because that was a worthless discussion. No goals were set, no tangible evidence was asked for, no specific effort or action was asked of her.

 

Be specific.

 

Wife, I want to spend 15 hours a week with you. If you say you're working on the marriage, figure out how to make that happen. (it's recommended to spend that much time to rekindle or keep alive a marriage, despite kids)

 

Wife, I need to see that you're making efforts. One such way would be for you to stop ABC and start XYZ. Will you do that?

 

We'll reassess in 30 days from today and see if these specific things have changed. I need them to want to stay in this marriage, and if they don't happen, I'll take it as a signal that you are not actually interested, and we will separate.

 

Surfer, I think this is probably the best advice you've received thus far !! It's action oriented and it makes you both accountable for your actions or inactions !

 

Surfer, you seem to have the instinct to want to passively put the ball in her court. I guess because, again, you are hoping that through some miracle that she will just turn around and become the perfect wife.... Ain't gonna happen if you live to be 1000 !

 

You also seem to keep making excuses as to why it's not the right time to act.... ie. She's sick, the long weekend is coming, it's my birthday, I'm waiting for her to get a job ....

This is you putting off the inevitable and in reality why does having an open discussion with your wife have to end in a huge blow-out? It doesn't unless someone is on the defensive. An open discussion may be intense at times but unless someone is trying to deflect blame or avoid the issues being presented, it should be seen as progress !!! Breathe, say things in a non-threathening way but get your points across. For example, this is how I feel when this happens and I cannot accept that... This is what I need changed in order for us to move on, etc....

 

I want to mention one more thing... I am very happy for you that you two had some fun on the weekend ! That is important too... very important... It's about balance.

 

Good luck. Take care.

Lexy

[Surfer203]

turnera: We just starting MC again.. next session is Thursday.

 

BlindRage: We don't have the financial means to do that unfortunately.. personally, I don't even want to go there. I would rather just end it at this point.

 

Lexygirl: Good advice and comments. We have been discussing, I feel I am more open than her recently though, used to be the other way around before anything happened. I agree on finding a balance, the "fun" aspect of our relationship has been missing for a while now - I think we need more of that for sure.

[turnera]

That's where the 15 hours a week comes in. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you're not still adults who benefit from one-on-one time with each other. It's essential for a healthy marriage. FIND ways to have fun together.

 

Choose from this list or come up with your own (or show it to HER and let her make the plans):

 

Read a book together

Take turns picking out a movie to watch

Bring out the board games, at least once a week

Start a solitaire club with some neighbors or friends, play solitaire against each other one night a week or month

Start gardening together

Grow herbs/vegetables/fruits

Take walks

Start a sport together; take classes at a community college, such as racquetball or volleyball

Get bikes and start riding bikes together

Sign up for an MS 150 and train for the bike ride all year

Plan some day trips, start taking one every month

Try out one new restaurant every week, take turns choosing and surprising the other with it

Go to bookstore and get a book like “52 great invitations to sex” in which you both have 26 invitations for a special evening to invite the other one, and you set it up, give the other the invitation (included in book) and then put on the evening

Join an online gaming community together (but don’t get addicted!)

Buy a Wii or Guitar Hero and play together

Give each other foot rubs

Take massage class together and practice giving each other massages

Go back to school together

Get a pet, take it to obedience school and learn to train it (if applicable)

Join a neighborhood dinner club or other club

Volunteer together

Join a church or get more involved in your church

Take a cooking class together and take turns cooking for each other

Go to HGTV.com and pick out a project to do for your house together

Take free classes at Home Depot on how to fix something at your house

Start a business together

Organize a block party

Organize a family reunion

Start working with a financial planner or learn about stocks together

Take dancing lessons together; if you like it, start entering in competitions

Go online for your city and look up 'activities' and 'family' and maybe even 'free' if your city is big enough; subscribe to those websites and go there every month to look for upcoming activities you can all do together; you can find plays, music events, art things, sports things, picnics, etc.

[Surfer203]

We do not have kids at this point. Probably for the best.

 

Good list of suggestions though, we are certainly not spending enough "quality" time together and that needs to change.

 

Thanks!

[What_Next]

15 hrs per week, that's all? Good grief my wife and I match that amount of time together by Wednesday of any given week (if I start the week on Monday that is)... She is my best friend, there's NO ONE in the world that I would rather spend time with. She is my number 1 priority and I am hers.

 

You should be going to bed together, you should be waking up together. Honestly bud if my wife was home all day when I was working I'd expect certain tasks to be handled and if I was home all day while she was working she'd expect certain tasks to be handled.

 

The balance is WAY off, there is no equality, there is no respect in my opinion. You keep hanging your head in shame because of a "fight". Well fights sometimes are necessary.

 

You are the parent in this relationship and your wife is the child. Well the child needs a good spanking (there's some quality time for you...) and needs to be set straight.

 

You know what our families chosen activity is (at least I think I've told you) so go out and try that. Trust me my friend it's one hell of a way to spend some quality time together, and well there's lots of oppurtunity for "other activities"....

 

Some more grist for your mill, take it or leave it.

[Surfer203]

WN: You know I will take it.. I have always valued your opinions.

 

We hang out more than 15 a week.. but it is not QUALITY time. Watching TV.. sitting around on the couch.. nothing fun or helpful in terms of bonding.

 

I am with you on everything you are mentioned.. there is no balance.. I feel like her Dad, I don't feel respected.. it's all true.

 

I envy what you and DW have going.. in terms of being each other's #1 priority.

[Mz. Pixie]

Mr. Harris.. I see her befriending my social circle and family as further engrossing herself in my world. Why would any one who does not want to reside within my world do that? I don't believe she is trying to F any of them to by honest, haha.

 

GorillaTheater: I agree with that, for now I am 100% for the marriage. Seeing how it goes. The point is, where/when does it end?! Is there a timeline, I don't know. Can't do this forever but am willing to give it a bit more time.

 

I know I will be fine with out her, I was fine when she left me (eventually). I can be fine again, probably even quicker this time. I just love her SO much. I think she is an amazing person (in general). I don't want to lose her or the bond we developed over the past 10 years. This is a woman who once everything is tweaked and we are stable I would want to raise my kids and share my life with. I think she is worth the effort but it is starting to not feel that way.

 

I am being honest with you all, I am hanging on by a thread at this point. I know I can thrive either way.

 

Befriending your social circle? Do you not realize that every wayward thinks that when they divorce their spouse they are going to stay great friends? In their warped mind it is possible. You are grasping Surfer.

 

If you thought you would be fine without her Surfer you wouldn't be putting up with this crap. You wouldn't be afraid to throw down your list of requirements and suggesting that she pony up to them or else.

 

Last but not least-tweaking? A little tweaking?? An affair and what she has done to you is equal to rape some experts believe-it requires more than a little tweaking to work through that.

 

If this was your brother or your best friend from elementary school what would you say to them???

[Mz. Pixie]

That's because that was a worthless discussion. No goals were set, no tangible evidence was asked for, no specific effort or action was asked of her.

 

Be specific.

 

Wife, I want to spend 15 hours a week with you. If you say you're working on the marriage, figure out how to make that happen. (it's recommended to spend that much time to rekindle or keep alive a marriage, despite kids)

 

Wife, I need to see that you're making efforts. One such way would be for you to stop ABC and start XYZ. Will you do that?

 

We'll reassess in 30 days from today and see if these specific things have changed. I need them to want to stay in this marriage, and if they don't happen, I'll take it as a signal that you are not actually interested, and we will separate.

 

Yes, we've posted almost as much to him before.

[soserious1]

Surfer

 

I'm a divorced woman who's paying lifetime alimony of $2,750 per month plus full medical, dental and co-pays to my ex-husband, he cheated on me, leeched off of me and gaslight me to the point that I began to believe that I was crazy.

 

Here's how it needs to go down.

 

'Heads up! there will be no more clubbing, no more nights out with friends, you lost that right when you cheated on me. The only places you are permitted to go at this point is on job interviews and to the grocery store, if you are bored you can clean this house, get the laundry done and see to it that there is a hot meal on the table when I return from work.

 

Btw, her so called girlfriends need to be shown that you still retain custody of your balls, tell these women flat out in front of your wife why your wife is no longer permitted girl's nights out with them, even better make your wife tell them herself in front of you!

 

I'd also insist that she sign over your unemployment check to you, no credit cards or debt card allowed, she needs to bring you receipts for ALL purchases . It needs to be made crystal clear to her that any and all extra monies coming into the house will be used to pay down the debts caused by her irresponsibly in walking away from her job when she began the affair.

 

She goes nowhere except on job interviews and to therapy, she cooks, she cleans, she does the laundry, she initiates frequent sex, gives you massages

and cheerfully spends quite evenings at home with you.In short when you say "jump" the only correct response from her is "how high?"

 

If she doesn't like those terms pack her things in boxes, put them on the porch and change the locks.

 

Don't end up like I have

Edited June 28, 2011 by soserious1

[FreeNow]

I feel like her Dad, I don't feel respected

 

Been there man and our children are grown now. It sucks even more when you feel like you have to keep the family together for them. The pressure is tremendous.

 

I predict that you will wake up one day an old(er) man wondering, WTF!?! Our compromises come back to haunt us later on, my friend.

 

Be careful, don't have children in this mess!

 

 

I envy what you and DW have going.. in terms of being each other's #1 priority.

 

Absolutely, theirs is a positive outcome and a smile erupts each time I think about it! To her everlasting credit, she recommitted herself fully to the marriage. WN has strong evidence that she loves him and is committed to their marriage. BUT, it was something that she had to do because he couldn't do it for her.

 

In my previous life...

Having benefit of hindsight, the only way for me was to have ditched the selfish wife and be with someone that respected me and our relationship. I have that right now with someone else. It never, ever, ever was gonna happen with my wife. She simply wasn't capable of it and I gave her too many passes for her behaviour.

 

You may be lucky. If you are, then play the lottery and have some $$ to go with the improved marriage 2.0. If not, then beware and be careful.

 

 

Remember, you and her could always remarry down the road *if* she got her act together... just a thought. Surely, since you loved her enough to forgive infidelity, she would forgive a few years split. Right? Of course, if she wouldn't forgive the lessor when you've forgiven the greater then there is some imbalance in the amount of love on one side... no?

 

A question I used to ask myself (in my head); "How much poor behaviour on my part would she likely forgive?" The answer was depressing. She wouldn't have forgiven a fraction compared to what I'd stood by her through. The fact was that she simply didn't love me that much, if at all. How much does your wife *really* love you, Surfer? Would she endure all of this for you; in deeds, not just words?

 

A therapist friend of mine once asked me why I forgave others easily but was so critical of myself. It really rung a bell for me when my friend followed up with "What? Are you so much better than everyone else that you are to be held to a higher standard?"

 

Would you so easily forgive yourself for what she has done and her continued behaviour? If you wouldn't, then why? Do you think less of her? In your own mind, for a week, try holding her to the same standard to which you hold yourself. I'd wager that she wouldn't measure up. I'd also wager that you wouldn't like what you saw through that lens.

 

Somewhere in there you are settling... for less... and I think deep down you know it. That might be one of the reasons you flip-flop internally. It may very well be that you are trying to convince yourself to settle for someone that isn't really cutting it. To feel more confident about her, you'd need to see X,Y, and Z. She may give you a shade of X and a glimmer of Y, but, she drops the ball completely on Z. And, you are trying to accept that compromise. I doubt she would and it reminds you of the imbalance of attachment/commitment. So, you grasp at straws to justify her actions. Then you feel the pinch that something isn't all that you need from her. This is simply my guess and might be way off base.

 

 

Take care, Surfer. It's my opinion that she has a whole lot of learning to do at the foundation level of herself and that's not bloody likely whilst the two of you are together. As long as she's in her comfort zone, she isn't really changing.

 

I sincerely hope that my opinions are wrong, however, we wouldn't know for many years down the road.

[Surfer203]

Mz. Pixie: I told my wife last time that we would not be friends. After she came back I made it clear that this was her last shot and she understood that. We both know that there will be no friendship if it fails this time. I know I would be fine with out her, but that is not what I want. As stupid as it may make me seem.

 

soserious1: While your list of demands sounds ideal for my own happiness. It does not leave any room for my wife's happiness. There needs to be a balance.. she F'ed up.. but I have forgiven her and given her a second chance to make it right. I don't want to live in the past, even though I will NEVER forget it. I don't want to control her life too much. I do agree that she should live by same of those guidelines, maybe not quite as strict. Who would want to live like that though? No one probably. I do understand your reasoning though.

 

FreeNow: We will not have children, that is off the table.. neither of us think it's right at this time. Here is the deal.. if we separated she would go home to Canada.. if she leaves the country for more than 6 months her Green Card will expire.. so trying to reconcile in the future will not happen based on distance and logistics of immigration. It took us over a year to get my wife her Green Card.. and a lot of money. We can't go that route unfortunately. Personally, I would not be willing to wait for her this time around. At this point I am settling because I am dealing with the mediocre state of our relationship, it used to be so much better.. I long for those days. I am hoping things can go back to similar to that. I hope you are wrong too but it's not looking good so far.

 

_________________________________________

 

So.. no fighting yesterday, got along well, watched a movie - we kissed a little bit, no tounge (haha). She talked about what she is going to wear potentially to my brother's wedding - which is a long way off, February of 2012. Again, long term plans.. what the F?! If you have not made up your mind yet why are you even thinking about eight months from now?!

[turnera]

Well, just make sure you have HIGH expectations of what you want to get out of counseling. If it just turns into 'I feel' and 'you feel' crap, find someone else. You need to get REAL CHANGES from her out of counseling, or just divorce.

[Surfer203]

turnera: That is one of the most important aspects of MC - to really hear the other person. Our first session back we bother heard things from the other that we never really understood fully. It is helpful.. our next session is Thursday, I am interested to see what happens.

[John Michael Kane]

Here is the deal.. if we separated she would go home to Canada.. if she leaves the country for more than 6 months her Green Card will expire.. so trying to reconcile in the future will not happen based on distance and logistics of immigration. It took us over a year to get my wife her Green Card.. and a lot of money. We can't go that route unfortunately. Personally, I would not be willing to wait for her this time around.

 

Is this another reason why you stay? Guilt over her Green Card history?

 

At this point I am settling because I am dealing with the mediocre state of our relationship, it used to be so much better.. I long for those days. I am hoping things can go back to similar to that. I hope you are wrong too but it's not looking good so far.

 

So if you're settling then what are we here for? What was the point of practically everyone on LS giving you advice, if you're not going to use it? You keep hoping things are going to change back into time and you gotta understand that things will never be the same.

[Surfer203]

No.. what I am saying is.. if she goes back and we separate.. we are going to have to jump hurdles again in order to get her back into the country. Not worth it.. it is difficult, expensive and takes a long time.

 

No no, I wish thing could improve, "like" they were before. I know they never will be the same, I get it.

[Ms. Red]

Is this another reason why you stay? Guilt over her Green Card history?

 

 

 

So if you're settling then what are we here for? What was the point of practically everyone on LS giving you advice, if you're not going to use it? You keep hoping things are going to change back into time and you gotta understand that things will never be the same.

 

He got want he wanted. Opening thread: How do I stay sane till my cheating wife returns to me?

 

He obviously stayed sane since he's still posting. He got what he wanted....his wife is back.

 

He got her back. That's what he wanted sooooooo bad. She's there. Back with him.

 

Live it Surfer Love it Surfer Deal with it Surfer. You got what you wanted. She's back!

[Surfer203]

Ms. Red: Haha.. you got that right. NOW, if only I could get my "old" wife back.. all would be well in the world.

[turnera]

What does SHE want out of life?