What_Next Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Ms. Red: Haha.. you got that right. NOW, if only I could get my "old" wife back.. all would be well in the world. My friend that is the LAST thing you want. You don't want your OLD wife back, you don't want your OLD marriage back. Those OLD things are what lead you here. You need to learn from the past or you are doomed to repeat it. Surfer as always I am pulling for you, but unless you take your life by the reins and pull it in the direction you want to go, you'll be a passenger and you will have no control over the ultimate destination. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Surfer, I saw a thread over on the infidelity side that struck a chord with me and made me think of your thread. Take a look...give some thought to this thread and the advice that many of us have given you here. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t284887/ Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Ms. Red: Haha.. you got that right. NOW, if only I could get my "old" wife back.. all would be well in the world. Yanno Sufer, I was really reluctant to post that coz I don't like being the bitch or stirring up $hit. I thought you might bite my head off for posting that. I'm just really frustrated with you dammit! I've read your updates and kept silent on here coz I really don't know what advice to give you. All I can say is that as a women, you are coming of to me as a total wuss and your wife has your balls in her hand. It really saddens me to see you like this dood. I've been reading your thread and occasionally contributing but I'm really getting tired of seeing you so submissive to a woman that moved out of your home and effed another man and vowed her life to you. How much more of this can you take dood? Truth ^^ really .....total truth from a woman to a man. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 He got want he wanted. Opening thread: How do I stay sane till my cheating wife returns to me? He obviously stayed sane since he's still posting. He got what he wanted....his wife is back. Nice sarcasm. He got her back. That's what he wanted sooooooo bad. She's there. Back with him. Okay? And that matters how, when nothing has changed in the last 5 months? Live it Surfer Love it Surfer Deal with it Surfer. You got what you wanted. She's back! No he hasn't got what he wanted because obviously nothing has drastically changed about the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 No.. what I am saying is.. if she goes back and we separate.. we are going to have to jump hurdles again in order to get her back into the country. Not worth it.. it is difficult, expensive and takes a long time. You don't really think it's time to separate? No no, I wish thing could improve, "like" they were before. I know they never will be the same, I get it. Hey I understand your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Ms. Red: Haha.. you got that right. NOW, if only I could get my "old" wife back.. all would be well in the world. Yanno Surfer, I was really reluctant to post that coz I don't like being the bitch or stirring up $hit. I thought you might bite my head off for posting that. I'm just really frustrated with you dammit! I've read your updates and kept silent on here coz I really don't know what advice to give you. All I can say is that as a women, you are coming of to me as a total wuss and your wife has your balls in her hand. It really saddens me to see you like this dood. I've been reading your thread and occasionally contributing but I'm really getting tired of seeing you so submissive to a woman that moved out of your home and effed another man and vowed her life to you. How much more of this can you take dood? Truth ^^ really .....total truth from a woman to a man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 turnera: I don't think she knows that. A couple of months ago we were in baby making mode, now two months later she is in party mode. So.. she is obviously confused. I am just backing off. WN: No, I want the GOOD qualities of my wife from before, I want a BETTER relationship now.. I really do. Understood regarding being a passenger.. not how I want to live my life, especially with her in command. Owl: I will check that out now, thanks. Ms. Red: No worries, I can take it. I don't think of you as mean by any stretch - you have been a good friend on here and I appreciate it. I probably am coming off as more of a wuss on LS than in real life to be honest.. but there is some truth to that anyway. To be honest, can't take much more of this. JMK: She was being sarcastic the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 turnera: I don't think she knows that. A couple of months ago we were in baby making mode, now two months later she is in party mode. So.. she is obviously confused. I am just backing off. WN: No, I want the GOOD qualities of my wife from before, I want a BETTER relationship now.. I really do. Understood regarding being a passenger.. not how I want to live my life, especially with her in command. Owl: I will check that out now, thanks. Ms. Red: No worries, I can take it. I don't think of you as mean by any stretch - you have been a good friend on here and I appreciate it. I probably am coming off as more of a wuss on LS than in real life to be honest.. but there is some truth to that anyway. To be honest, can't take much more of this. JMK: She was being sarcastic the whole time. Thanks bud for accepting my criticism. I only want the best for you. Also, I tried to edit spelling and double posted...forgive me. Ha HA. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 I know and I am thankful. No problem on the double post! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 Owl, I read that thread.. I see some similarities for sure. It is good to see it from a woman's perspective too. I don't think my wife and her are TOTALLY having the same issues.. but some are similar. I know I have to man up.. command respect and be independent. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 And...how are you going to accomplish that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 Beyond the obvious of setting stronger guidelines, enforcing restrictions on her social life outside of the marriage etc. I have been starting to read on how to command respect. Self help type of stuff. Any other pointers? Also, getting back to being myself.. enjoying what I love to do. I have neglected playing guitar, going to the gym, socializing with my friends all in the wake of these issues. I know I can't do that. For my own good, but also so she can see that I have passion in my life and have other things going for me. Show her that I am an interesting and dynamic person still even in the face of a horrible situation. That makes me look strong. I need to look strong and really be strong on the inside. Any pointers beyond what we have all talked about? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 There's a book I really love, written for men, called Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. from www.bettermen.org. All about maintaining your life AND being a great husband. I also strongly advocate using the Love Buster and Emotional Needs questionnaires from marriagebuilders.com. They are a gateway into the soul, so to speak, telling you what you are doing wrong in your marriage (your LBs to your spouse) and what your spouse's top ENs are - and vice versa. If both people will fill these out, and you share them with each other, it gives you a guide on how to make sure your marriage is what BOTH of you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks for those suggestions. In terms of my actions, mannerisms, words, etc. - anything I can begin putting in to play, like.... tonight? Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks for those suggestions. In terms of my actions, mannerisms, words, etc. - anything I can begin putting in to play, like.... tonight? hand her the help wanted ads and the vacuum cleaner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 28, 2011 Author Share Posted June 28, 2011 soserious1: Haha.. very funny. I am thinking more along the lines of things I can do for myself. Good thinking though. She actually is revising her resume, she had my father helping her yesterday, so we will see how that goes. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 The best way I can think of is to get home, shower and change, give her a peck on the cheek as you head out the door, and say 'don't wait up!' Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 Thanks for those suggestions. In terms of my actions, mannerisms, words, etc. - anything I can begin putting in to play, like.... tonight? Pretty much every bit of advice I've offered to you. Stop accepting the unacceptable. If she does or plans something that you know is directly detrimental to your efforts to rebuild your marriage...say "no". Don't compromise on the critical items. If she wants to go out without you...stay up late...whatever, simply tell her that you're not good with that choice. If she does it anyway...then be prepared to let her suffer some consequences for putting her "fun" over your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 soserious1: Haha.. very funny. I am thinking more along the lines of things I can do for myself. Good thinking though. She actually is revising her resume, she had my father helping her yesterday, so we will see how that goes. Surfer, you have been given thousands of dollars worth of excellent advice here already. You talk about your wife's 'rights" and about how nobody would want to live under the restrictions many people have suggested here. Here's the deal though... did you want to live under the emotional hell her infidelity put you through? were you happy sitting there like a whipped dog for months as she waffled back and forth about whether or not she was coming home? Part of being in recovery is taking ownership of the pain you've caused and the consequences of that pain. Your wife, if she were truly remorseful would be placing restrictions on herself! she'd be coming to you saying things like "honey, I was so stupid to quit my job, I'm going to work full time & try to find a small part job to help pay off the debts caused by the foolishness of my affair, I'm so sorry I caused you extra fiscal stress" if she were really sorry, really committed to you she'd be saying things like "Jane asked me to go out to the club with her on Friday, I told her no, that I love my husband and want to regain his trust by not placing myself in nightclubs mingling with single people" You aren't getting any of that from her, what you're getting is the same old same old , she's not remorseful and she's not actively working to repair the damage she's caused you. Sitting around sucking up free groceries and a rent free place to live is not remorse Surfer, it's her continuing to use you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 28, 2011 Share Posted June 28, 2011 "Jane asked me to go out to the club with her on Friday, I told her no, that I love my husband and want to regain his trust by not placing myself in nightclubs mingling with single people" You aren't getting any of that from her, what you're getting is the same old same old , she's not remorseful and she's not actively working to repair the damage she's caused you. Sitting around sucking up free groceries and a rent free place to live is not remorse Surfer, it's her continuing to use you. :bunny::bunny: Exactly the point I have been trying to make. Yes, she deserves to have a life but since when is her life not her husband and family?? I have a life- a full one. I have a wonderful husband, three awesome kids, a home to keep (although my hubby and kids help with that), a full time job, friends, extended family, etc. We're doing home renovations too. My hubby works too. We try to exercise. I hang out with my friends-but none of that ever requires me to bar hop. If its something that's going to make Mr. Pixie uncomfortable in the smallest bit- it's off the table. Period. Vice versa. And I have not had an affair while married to him. Why is her life centered around bar hopping with single friends? She needs to get some new ones if that's the only things she has to do. I'm interested though Surfer-what is the reason that you think your wife had the affair to begin with. What were the problems in your marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 soserious1: Haha.. very funny. I don't think it was a joke. How are you enjoying the cooked breakfasts she is making you Surfer? That suggestion wasn't a joke either! If she is jobless then she should be at least looking after you as a BARE MINIMUM!!! Is she coming to bed with you and getting up with you at least? Or is that sh*t still going on? Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 soserious1: Haha.. very funny. I am thinking more along the lines of things I can do for myself. Good thinking though. She actually is revising her resume, she had my father helping her yesterday, so we will see how that goes. lol I made the same suggestion about 3 weeks ago, ie hand her the vac and local paper. Even in this economy she could have a job by now, sounds to me like she's put no effort in Link to post Share on other sites
findingmeagain Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 (edited) Page #109 and it's starting to sound like a broken record....as my grandmother says..."You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink!" This whole situation is like a car crash....you don't wanna look, yet you can't look away. I read here everyday...just wondering if today will be the day Surfer reclaims his balls!!! Edited June 29, 2011 by findingmeagain Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Surfer... cut the chord like yesterday and BE DONE WITH IT. No kids = easy walk away. Trade up, you seem to have the capabilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 soserious1 and Mz. Pixie make some very good points here. Frankly you are all right.. broken f'ing record. I am getting tired of it, exhausted. Mz. Pixie.. I wouldn't say her life is centered around bar hopping.. she goes to a bar maybe once per week at the most. Still, I am not excusing her - but that is the reality of it. It really does bother me that she is the cause of the debt and she has not been motivated to do anything about it. I don't even want to get into this again - I was about to go on and on about her, what she isn't doing. I am done though, not complaining on here today. Link to post Share on other sites
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