turnera Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Since she's racking up debt and not working, have you AT LEAST stopped giving her money? That is something you can do today. "Honey, you know I love you, but I can't keep giving you money if you're not either sending out 50 resumes a day or doing ALL the household work. You have 3 choices: one of the two above, or get out." Man up. Close the bank account. Then you'll find out if you're just a free bank, or her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 "Honey, you know I love you, but I can't keep giving you money if you're not either sending out 50 resumes a day or doing ALL the household work. You have 3 choices: one of the two above, or get out.". Couldn't have said it better myself.. firm but not nasty Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 She has her own account and credit card... her unemployment is deposited in to her account. The only money she takes is generally for groceries, gas, that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Gotta say, bro: with no kids in the equation, and the amount of sh*t you've eaten that she's served up, it's much easier to walk away now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 I know it's easier to walk away.. I never take the easy road in life though. I have always liked a challenge, but this is getting f'ing ridiculous man. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I know it's easier to walk away.. I never take the easy road in life though. I have always liked a challenge, but this is getting f'ing ridiculous man. I totally understand - I'm the same way. But she's presenting you with a challenge in which you can't "win". Besides, LOVE shouldn't be like this; with real love, you're not supposed to be run through the dirt like this. That's not love whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 WGW: I know I can't win.. I agree, love should not be this difficult. This is it for me.. I am running out of patience. I can give it couple of weeks maximum at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 She has her own account and credit card... her unemployment is deposited in to her account. The only money she takes is generally for groceries, gas, that's it. Is she paying common bills with her unemployment? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 turnera: Yes.. she is not left with much for "fun". It all goes to bills or necessities. I would say less than $25-$50 per week is spent by her on other stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 She has her own account and credit card... her unemployment is deposited in to her account. The only money she takes is generally for groceries, gas, that's it. In other words, what's yours is hers, and what's hers is her own. $50 a week is $200 a month.............. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 PNP: That makes me think.. you know.. I work hard to keep the lights on and I don't get any money to enjoy my life. Not that she tells me not to spend money, I just choose not to because it is the responsible thing to do. I would say $50 is probably a high estimate.. $25 is more likely.. but still.. I get it. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Once per week going out to bars without you? My god man how many times do we ALL have to say it? NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!!!!!!! Period. The next time she tries that crap, stand up, walk in front of her and say "If you go out tonight without me, DO NOT come back". Lord man. Surfer my patience is running out as are many others I suspect. I just don't know what you are trying to accomplish any more? I don't. There are no kids, she doesn't want to work (sorry bro but if she wanted to work there are lots of diners that need a waitress), she wants to act single but enjoy the benefits of being married. No kids, you're still young. Up until this point I've not advocating divorce or seperation, but honestly I am to that point now. She is not showing ANY remorse, she is not showing ANY signs that she wants to rebuild trust. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I know it's easier to walk away.. I never take the easy road in life though. I have always liked a challenge, but this is getting f'ing ridiculous man. And there are times when you have to realise that you are flogging a dead horse. I am running out of patience. I can give it couple of weeks maximum at this point. This is getting a common theme, in a couple of weeks you'll be saying the same thing. How long has she been looking for a job? How many months? Come on now Surfer be honest, you are scared to lose her and she knows it. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 PNP: That makes me think.. you know.. I work hard to keep the lights on and I don't get any money to enjoy my life. Not that she tells me not to spend money, I just choose not to because it is the responsible thing to do. I would say $50 is probably a high estimate.. $25 is more likely.. but still.. I get it. Yo Doood! What the heck to you do for fun? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 WN: She does these things because I allow her too clearly. I did not set up boundries because everything was going so well.. and it came back to bite me in the a**. Now that things aren't good and there are no boundries I don't stand much of a chance in correcting her behavior. Lifesontheup: I am scared to lose her, I admitted that. I am getting tired of this. I hate my life now.. I don't get to enjoy my life anymore. It really sucks. She has been out of work since Late October. sumdude: I like to surf, dine out, go to museums/art galleries, hike.. uhh I think that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 WN: She does these things because I allow her too clearly. I did not set up boundries because everything was going so well.. and it came back to bite me in the a**. Now that things aren't good and there are no boundries I don't stand much of a chance in correcting her behavior. From what I've read over and over, you have explained to your wife what you are not happy about. You don't stand a chance of her listening to you and adjusting her behaviour because she doesn't want to, she merely pays lip service and perhaps does some small things for you just to smooth the ripples from time to time. You can only change you and what you will put up with Surfer. Like I said before, do it before it takes you so low, you may never get back up. Oh and she cannot find a job in 10 months of looking? Pull the other one, she's sponging off you and will continue to do so until YOU put a stop to it. Link to post Share on other sites
starting2wakeup Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 I feel like someone should start a "How to stay sane while Surfer203 is making decision?" thread. I don't stand much of a chance in correcting her behavior. Don't even bother trying to correct HER behavior. Work on correcting YOUR behavior. I am scared to lose her, I admitted that. I am getting tired of this. I hate my life now.. I don't get to enjoy my life anymore. It really sucks. She has been out of work since Late October. You have to stop looking to her as your only source of happiness. Only you can make yourself happy. I did this for years and it was a mistake. You say your life sucks. OK. What are you going to do about it? Let it suck for another week? Another month? You may WANT her in your life but you don't NEED her in your life. Not if she is only adding misery to it. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Lifesontheup: I am scared to lose her, I admitted that. I am getting tired of this. I hate my life now.. I don't get to enjoy my life anymore. It really sucks. She has been out of work since Late October. See, I can identify with this. When I found out about xH affair, I packed his bags and told him to go to his OW. Yes, you could say that was brave, but inside and whilst on my own I cried and cried and I thought I could never live without him. I thought I couldn't cope, you see we had been together for 18 years - nearly 2 decades! But you know what, slowly but surely I began to do things for me and build my own life without him. I realised that I didn't need him, I could actually manage very well on my own. I eventually met someone else and have a child with him. I still see my xH, he still works in the same building as me and we talk from time to time. I look at him today and realise that if I had taken him back, he would never have changed and I would never have been as happy as I am today Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Both of you are right. Look, I am tired of putting all of you through this.. I don't think I should post as frequently. I will try to sort my own life out. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Both of you are right. Look, I am tired of putting all of you through this.. I don't think I should post as frequently. I will try to sort my own life out. Thanks. Is there anyone you confide in other than on here Surfer? What about counselling for you by yourself? Did you look up co-dependency? Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 how to stay sane while wife is making decision? well - just from your title = you have no boundary - you have placed yourself at the mercy of her decision = which is completely backwards. you need a solid boundary! also, you could completely benefit from reading the book co dependent no more. to have YOUR happiness at the mercy of what she is or isn't doing isn't the best approach - especially when she's disregarding and disrespecting you at every turn. why SHOULD she respect you - if you aren't willing to respect you? since your actions show that you don't - i highly doubt she ever will - unless you completely change the way everything is going. change is good. if nothing changes = nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Page #109 and it's starting to sound like a broken record....as my grandmother says..."You can lead a horse to water, but you can't force it to drink!" This whole situation is like a car crash....you don't wanna look, yet you can't look away. I read here everyday...just wondering if today will be the day Surfer reclaims his balls!!! LMAO !! YES !! Me too !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 29, 2011 Author Share Posted June 29, 2011 Lifesontheup: I have my own therapist.. yeah.. I go. I am fully aware what co-dependency is and yes I think it may be the case. 2sunny: Loud and clear. Lexy: Don't laugh at my situation. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Lifesontheup: I have my own therapist.. yeah.. I go. I am fully aware what co-dependency is and yes I think it may be the case. 2sunny: Loud and clear. Lexy: Don't laugh at my situation. ok then (leaving her out of the equation) - so what EXACTLY are YOU doing to change things? to change YOU? what are you doing TODAY? Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted June 29, 2011 Share Posted June 29, 2011 Surfer, how about starting small? How about, if she says she's going out, tell her you don't want her to. Then, when she says she'll do whatever the hell she wants, you reply, 'Sure, go ahead. But what I want is for my wife to be a wife. If you go out, I'm changing the locks on the door, and you can wait til I wake up the next morning to get back in.' If she does it anyway, change the damn locks, and you'll have a 'platform' upon which to have a more real discussion the next day. And she'll see that you're done being a doormat. btw, that comment you just gave about not bothering us and not posting so much, tell your therapist you said that. See what she says about passive aggressiveness. Link to post Share on other sites
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