How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

2sunny: I am working on it. So far, I went back to the gym yesterday after quite a long time. I am trying to make plans with friends for the weekend. I need to get out of the house more and not be immersed in our relationship, so I am working on that. I have started painting again. Superficial things.. nothing internal.. nothing dramatic. I need to get myself right again. I have neglected my own happiness for far too long. Been seeing my therapist.. going to see him again tomorrow. Other than that.... complaining on this board and driving myself crazy.

[Surfer203]

turnera: My therapist is a male... and I can be passive aggressive, I know that. But in this case I was being serious. I am tired of this routine, daily complaining on this board and getting beaten down and told the same thinigs over and over. It makes me feel stupid.

 

Changing the locks seems a bit extreme.. but I do plan on being a bit more upfront with my expectations of her.

[2sunny]

i agree with changing the locks.

 

she has money - yet she doesn't use the money she has to treat you kindly? she uses it to go behind your back and stay away from you?

 

stop giving her ANYTHING. she wants a life the way she wants it - let her figure out where to live, how to DO all the things it takes to live everyday. things like - rent, car, gas, insurance, clothes, food, medical expenses, getting her hair done, going to lunch or drinks with friends.

 

when YOU stop allowing YOURSELF to be USED by her - SHE may start to figure out how difficult it really IS to make ends meet when she's not willing to work - make money - and keep up with HER expenses and all it takes to basically survive!

 

YOU weren't put on this earth to figure out how to make life easy for her - so stop acting like you were - THEN she will stop expecting that too!

 

kick her out - change the locks - and let HER figure out how the world survives when we need to man up and work everyday.

 

she's a mooch! but in order to be a mooch - people need to have SOMEONE to mooch off of = and that, my dear, has been YOU! because you have ALLOWED it - so stop allowing it.

 

she is a grown woman who acts spoiled. let her flounder and figure life out on her own. it will help her to GROW UP!

 

consequences for bad behavior CAN help another person to realize that they are causing harm to others - but YOU have given no consequences ... on empty words thus far.

 

she doesn't believe a word you say - for good reason... you have no consequences for her.

[What_Next]

Therapist, meh, don't allow that to drag you down and feel sorry for yourself. Personally I think therapy is a pile of stinking _____, but that's just me.

 

Surfer, it's not that we are beating you down, well I know I am not. It's just that you are showing us daily the definition of insanity, behaving in the same manner and expecting different results.

 

Time to take control and ACT!!!!!!!!! She's but one women my friend, there are millions out there where she came from. You're young, you have no kids, man oh man you could REALLY enjoy your life.

 

SHE has to make the choice and NOW, either she wants to be with you, or she doesn't. My guess, she knows she doesn't have to because she has you completely wrapped around her finger and she is using you. Sorry bud but my opinion of your wife is at an all time low.

[turnera]

BTDT. I know how it feels to have posters tell you to do something, only you don't want to, you're afraid. You feel dumb. You're afraid to come back and report that you didn't do what everyone told you to do. But we're anonymous, ok? We care about you. We know what works, so we keep pushing it. And we know you need to reach that point on your own. So we keep repeating, knowing that one day, it's going to click.

 

About the passive aggressive thing, I point that out to remind you that it is a SCAPEGOAT. Being that way allows you to avoid the consequences of your own actions. And you never grow if you don't first own up to your weakness and your actions. First step, you know? Don't like what you hear, so you tell us we make you feel bad, and you're gonna leave, secretly hoping that we'll back down and not make you so uncomfortable.

 

Thing is, those things that posters say that bother us the most? Usually the most important things for us to hear.

[2sunny]

 

SHE has to make the choice and NOW, either she wants to be with you, or she doesn't. My guess, she knows she doesn't have to because she has you completely wrapped around her finger and she is using you. Sorry bud but my opinion of your wife is at an all time low.

 

WHY are you suggesting that HE put himself at the mercy of HER decision?

 

that is completely back wards... HE should be making decisions in HIS best interest. waiting for her to decide or do anything differently - he could be waiting forever while she uses him along the way for what she needs.

 

my 94 year old friend used to say - "look out for YOUR own best interest, because no on else is going to do it."

 

time to start deciding what is best for self... not "what is best for self being dependent on what another person is or isn't doing"

 

i love that very wise woman - and i miss her everyday!

[What_Next]

2sunny I am NOT suggesting that he puts himself at the mercy of her decision, I am saying that he needs to get it through to his wife that she is either 100% in the marriage or she is out. You are mis-reading my post.

[AmEricanWomann]

Dude why are you letting this woman manipulate and cuckold you like this?

She's slept with, oh let's face it she screwed another man, while you sat at home alone and left all the decsion making to her?

 

I could never respect a man that did that and she does not respect you. Grow some balls and dump her. If it was just a matter of the two of you having problems and her not being sure she wants to remain in the marriage, my advice to you might be different and I might have said try to work on the marriage if you love her.

 

However this is a very different situation. She's cheated on your with your full knowledge and consent and then you let her back in your life? Break out of this toxic relationship before it destroys you. Its already all but dead and if you continue to allow her to do this to you, its going to affect your future relationships. Your next woman might be a great lady but this **** will leave scars so deep you wont be able to trust any woman again and you'll wind up alone. Get rid of her now!. Just move on with your life. You sound like a good guy. I hope everything works out for you.

Edited June 29, 2011 by AmEricanWomann

[2sunny]

2sunny I am NOT suggesting that he puts himself at the mercy of her decision, I am saying that he needs to get it through to his wife that she is either 100% in the marriage or she is out. You are mis-reading my post.

 

i'm not misreading. he can't control her.

 

she is comfortable... that will never invoke change. he can't control her. he can control what HE does. so make her UNCOMFORTABLE! her discomfort MAY invoke some change in her... or not...

 

the things he can control - he should. i suggest begin making sure she gets damn uncomfortable. kick her out TODAY! let her flounder and figure things out for a few months - and see how motivated she gets to be decent.

 

since she spends time and energy outside the M - allow her to make that her priority - see how THAT works out for her.

 

do not keep making sure she is comfortable - that will never motivate her to be the kind and loving woman you are looking for. she needs to repair the damage she's caused - her sense of entitlement is harming you. stop participating.

[jstobo]

I hope you find happiness soon. My life has taken such a positive turn. I went through 9 months of hell after D day. Now I am totally free. I have kids, so there has been more things to deal with. I'm not going to give you advice. I'll just tell you, I have awaken from a long sleep and I am soooooooo happy.

[Surfer203]

2sunny: She has become a mooch that is for sure. When she left me, she was not working - living off of the OM and still using our credit card for stuff.. ridiculous. I don't understand how she became like that. She used to be a hard worker. I think I am part of the reason she became spoiled in the first place.. treated her TOO well.

 

WN: I agree with you - but we BOTH need to make a choice. She needs to step up or get out. So do I. Regarding the therapist, it kind of helps, I am not really sure at this point.

 

turnera: Yeah.. I understand. I know it is all good advice, mostly... I am trying to be the best person I can - keep falling short and when I do I get angry. Leads to an outburst and/or fighting.

 

AW: Easier said than done.

[Surfer203]

I am REALLY happy for you jstobo.. keep up the positivity.

[2sunny]

so she shows EVIDENCE that she will use men for her own personal gain.

 

DUDE! she is a parasite and WILL suck the life out of you - IF YOU ALLOW HER TO!!!!!

 

get her out! now! what are you waiting for? take your power back and disconnect from this woman who is sucking your life dry!

 

take action today! no need to wait a second longer. call her up and tell her to be out by sundown. make sure the locksmith comes by before the end of the day!

 

she can go find another man to use and abuse - and believe me - she has many prospects lined up... this type of woman always does!

 

i am a woman - and her behavior is making me sick - but what's worse - is the way YOU are allowing her behavior to affect you! she's a thief. she has stolen the great part about YOU! time to get busy finding the beauty of you again.

[Surfer203]

She has certainly stolen the past year of my life. F'ing awful. I can handle changing the locks myself.. if I decide to go that route.

[2sunny]

She has certainly stolen the past year of my life. F'ing awful. I can handle changing the locks myself.. if I decide to go that route.

 

change them! do it today. you gave her a year of your time = wasted... stop waiting... do it today!

[Surfer203]

It is tough when she is not acting outright nasty to me.. to change the locks and kick her out that is.

 

I may wait on this a little longer.. tomorrow is my birthday and I want to have at least a decent 4th of July weekend.. I don't get many vacations from work.

[soserious1]

turnera: Yes.. she is not left with much for "fun". It all goes to bills or necessities. I would say less than $25-$50 per week is spent by her on other stuff.

 

If she's not paying a full 50 % of your shared living expenses, plus any debts she has in her own name that's $25-$50 she should NOT be spending in bars

[2sunny]

It is tough when she is not acting outright nasty to me.. to change the locks and kick her out that is.

 

I may wait on this a little longer.. tomorrow is my birthday and I want to have at least a decent 4th of July weekend.. I don't get many vacations from work.

 

oh brother! that is crazy...

 

so your expectations WILL disappoint you again. that is a guarantee.

 

so what you settle for is her ability to NOT act outright nasty to you? man, you need to look at this realistically.

 

she is using you - and you are settling for SO LITTLE. expect little then.

 

 

we train people how to treat us. she knows you don't expect much. and that is precisely what you will get from her.

 

this whole relationship is back wards.

[2sunny]

she's got your deal - she knows full well you aren't going to do anything different. that's why nothing has changed.

 

birthday or no birthday - holiday or no holiday... when MY boundary was crossed - i took ACTION! that was the beginning of my healing - and the start of getting my sanity and happiness back too!

 

nothing will change - because you won't allow it! expect a bunch of $hitty behavior from her... because you keep giving her full reign to treat you that way.

 

and you have no one to blame but YOU!

[2sunny]

a few years back - my friend explained an important concept to me... patient vs passive...

 

allowing $hit to happen to you and not doing something to change it.

[2themoon&back]

Sufer, look man you seem to need a push to pull your head out of your wife’s ass, so here is one. I have not posted in a long long time, but ….. well who cares!

 

Know what I am fixing is to say is to try to help you look at your situation from a different perspective…. One you seem to have lost total sight of … one I know well because I had an affair with a MM, so I know what I am talking about here.

 

And it is your own fault that WILL (not if) have a shi##y birthday and 4th of July, because you choose to stay in the same shi##y place and if you stay there you can look forward to a shi##y Labor Day, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years… and so on !!

 

While you are enjoying your time off and your birthday, I hope you look at your wife with your eyes today not the eyes of the young man that married her…. Look at her….. who she REALLY is----not who you remember her to be but WHO she is today.

 

When you look at her and want to kiss her, think about the lips you are about to kiss, have kissed another man while she was still coming home to you and kissing you, then think where else those lips may have been on another man before she kisses you good night.

 

Think when you want her to touch you---- those are the same hands she used to please another man or undressed herself right before she fxxked him … and then came home and made you dinner or rubbed your back with those hands.

 

When you look in her eyes, know that she looked at another man while he was on top of her and inside of her and she came home to you and had no problem looking at you with those eyes while she lied to you about what she had been doing that day.

 

When you look at her hair, know another man has run his finger through it and she fixed it for him. When you look at her and her loving arms, remember those arms held another man while they slept in the same bed for 2 months. When you look at her legs, see them opening for another man to enter her and see them wrapped around another man’s waist while they were in the throes of sex.

 

When you hear her laugh know she has laughed that way with another man, at his silly jokes, his and her intimate secrets and she has laughed at you with another man.

 

When she speaks to you know that is the same voice she used to lie to you, lead you down this **** road you are on now…. Can you see her…. She is smiling at you and telling how much she loves you oh yea and planning to eat lunch with your cousin later next month, I hate to tell you this, but those long term plans are a rouse to keep you off guard while she plans her next stunt and rolls out on you.

 

Her long term planning is designed to make you think she is going to be there, when in reality she is not even there right now.

 

You are looking everywhere to find some small glimmer of hope that what I had said did not happen ………….. IT DID!!!!!!

 

It happened just like I said ……….. she did all those things and more… no matter how you try to paint her now she will never be the wife you used to have she cannot be, she has had another man’s sperm in her. She sure isn’t who she was before that … now you know … I hope you can see her clearly.

 

I am not trying to make you crazy jealous I am trying to remind you of just what she has done to YOU.

 

You act like you are scared to get mad :mad:because she make check out on you…. She will trust me! She has !!! She may not be nasty today but she has been……….GET mad its ok, get mad at me, at least then you can respect yourself. No one feels sorry for someone who is always immersed in self pity, everyone has some respect for justifiable anger ………. !

 

(BTW, these people have not be hard on you, go take a look at the OW/OM forum or the Infidelity, they would have eaten you alive and spit you out by now... you would never want to post again. I am proud I even Survived it )

[turnera]

So...what about this? You put it on hold for a week. Then, when you're done with your vacation, you sit her down and say 'this is what I can accept from you. I need to know now if you are willing to do these things. Think about it. But know this: if you go out this weekend without me, I'm going to pack your stuff and have it waiting for you on the lawn. It's your choice to invest in me and the marriage, or we separate.'

 

Just that.

 

And spend the next week planning for how you will get her out of your house next weekend if she, yet again, goes out on you. It's your deadline. You've given her the flat out opportunity to choose you. If she does, great; extend your next boundary (counseling, whatever). If she doesn't, you have already steeled yourself to separate.

[Mz. Pixie]

I am with some of the others. I believe she is using you. She was living off OM and now she is living off of you.

 

She wants a sugardaddy, or a boyfriend- not a husband.

[Lexygirl]

Lexy: Don't laugh at my situation.

 

Surfer ... Two things...

 

First... I'm sorry.

Second.... Good for you for speaking your mind !!!! I love to see this side of you !!! The assertive side !!! Please do this with your wife !!!!

 

BTW, Happy birthday I truly hope you have a good one. You deserve it !

 

Something else that I wanted to chime in about... something that is screaming out to me to address here.... You seem to think that when you two are 'getting along'... ie... not arguing, that everything is going to be ok... that everything IS ok.... this is not necessarily so.....

I may be wrong but I think that when you two are 'getting along'... it seems to me that is when you are bowing to her whims...

and when you aren't 'getting along well' it's when you are putting REASONABLE expectations on her...

 

Her moods are fine as long as you are giving her everything she needs and wants but once you actually have wants and needs, all hell breaks lose.... hmmmmmmmm..... If there is truth to this... YOU are getting short changed AND sadly fooled and guilted into doing everything her way.... Not cool and not fair... Please don't put up with this anymore, Surfer... Please require more...

 

Lexy

[FreeNow]

:bunny: Happy Birthday, Surfer! :bunny: