How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[2themoon&back]

sufer i would really like to hear what you thought of my last post.

 

I was wondering if you even read it.

 

Not that you have to respond to every post, but you do as a general rule, I was curious about your thoughts were on it.

 

People come here to see if your ok and see how things are going, they to need feed back to know what you need from them. They do this because they care and want to help , but they too have lives outside of LS, so when they take the time to post remember they cut out a time of their life to share and care about yours.

Edited July 9, 2011 by 2themoon&back

[Ms. Red]

sufer i would really like to hear what you thought of my last post.

 

I was wondering if you even read it.

 

Not that you have to respond to every post, but you do as a general rule, I was curious about your thoughts were on it.

 

People come here to see if your ok and see how things are going, they to need feed back to know what you need from them. They do this because they care and want to help , but they too have lives outside of LS, so when they take the time to post remember they cut out a time of their life to share and care about yours.

 

Yup! That's why I come here. I care about Surfer!

 

I want things to improve and become good for him. I care.

[Joe0724]

Surfer and anyone reading this!!!,

 

I just stumbled across this site and was curious as to what the end result was for you, without having to read through all these msgs.

 

. I am in a VERY similar situation myself right now, only throw in 3 kids under the age of 6 and a marriage of 18 years this month, shes willing to throw away for some D*** she met that told her he loved her after 3 weeks of dating!..

 

Shes agreed to go counseling but not sure how much shes going to put into it.

She is basically not sure what she wants to do and I sit in limbo...

 

Brief history here;

We've been together for 21 years, married for 18. Didn't start having kids til 6 years ago, mostly because we wanted to wait and partially reproductive issues.

 

We have had a great marriage, with the usual ups and downs, but for the most part we'd knew we'd be fine.

 

Fast forward to last year.. She has an affair with a neighbor. I find out after 6 months of it going on in September. She is sick about it. Apologizes everyday.

She gave me about 12 different reasons why she did it. Alot of self esteem issues.

 

I say I can understand how it can happen, and I can forgive, but there were some stuff that I found out that she did w him that would make anyone sick to their stomach that can NOT be forgiven.

 

With that in mind, we have had some really knock down drag out fights over things over the months.

 

In December, she tells me she liked the attention from other men. Like an idiot, I believe her when she tells me loves me and would never leave me, but would like to explore an "open marriage".

OUCH!.... But knowing that she has never been with anyone else but me, well until last year, and her knowing that it is a fantasy/turn-on of mine, I agree. (yeah, I know. Mistake)

 

She registers on one of those married dating sites, meets a guy and within 3 weeks they are "in love". After a 6 week relationship, he up and leaves her in March to move closer to his son 1500 miles away, without saying good bye. Shes clearly devestated and continues to text and call him.

 

3 weeks later he sends a text basically saying "lose this number". He said he was someone else who just got issued this number from his cell phone carrier. (Lie)

 

Things quiet down, I'm slowwwly getting better with her.

When we argue, she says I'm so mean and I get so mad at little things this past year. WTF!!?? Why do u think????

 

After he left, shes been on several dates with guys, one of which shes seeing right now. He is married and I can see there is no REAL connection there. She likes him, they are acctually good friends and talk all the time. He has actually given her advice to my BENEFIT! I almost want to be buddies with him!! LOL,.

They meet up once/twice a week. He's married, so that helps that he doenst want to ruin his family situation.

 

They have not had sex yet, but clearly are planning on it.

THIS is the type of relationship I can handle her having. THIS is what I meant when I told her it would be ok. Not hooking up with a single guy, trolling on married sites.

 

 

Fast forward to mid June. She gets a text some DH suddenly, stating he misses and loves her and wants to possibly move back becuse things aren't working out as he'd hoped.

 

Sudduenly, we are on the rocks again, and she blurts out how she doesnt think she wants to be married anymore and wants to persue a chance with thius STRANGER!!

 

I say yes our relationship has been stressed to the max. But this is clesarly an infatuation!! He is afriggin loser who can't stay at a job more than 6 months. When he drinks, he drinks too much, he has anger issues, hes blown her off for days and weeks at a timem, but yet he is so wonderful.

 

 

If it werent for the kids, I'd have been gone. But what do I do with a woman and mother who isnt thinking logically?

 

Any help?????

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[turnera]

You should start your own thread but first thing, get a lawyer, file for divorce, and file for full custody. She is an UNFIT MOTHER right now. Maybe later. For now, protect your children from her revolving door life and kick her out.

 

There IS no fixing this, dude. You screwed up, and the only thing you can do now is fire her as your wife and protect the kids from her midlife crisis and all the men/sex offenders/child abusers/perverts she's going to drag into her home in search of her self esteem.

 

I assume you're aware of the growing problem of men trolling for women with kids so they can get to the kids?

[Joe0724]

Your right..NO I am unaware of that! But thats why I just cannot leave, to protect them!!!..

We had that argument already! She hinted at him moving in in a text to him, and I called her on it. I said not while Im still drawing breath!!

ARE U KIDDING ME!!!???..

 

Unfortunately, fathers have an uphill battle as far as custaody is concerned.

 

Thank you for response. I will start a thread.

[Surfer203]

Well.. it has been a crushing weekend. Things are going horribly. Friday night we had a friend over and had some drinks. My wife was very drunk and began going off on me for no reason. We then fought for a while, I even recorded it so she could hear how drunk she was. She still claims she was not drunk. However, the things she said during this were bad.. she said that we are getting a divorce and she was bashing me, etc. Afterwards we both agreed it was fueled by alcohol.

 

The next day we spent our day and night apart.. she came home late again, blames it on friends who were driving her. I told her it is no one's responsibility but her own to get home at a reasonable hour especially after we discussed coming home at a reasonable hour. I was pissed, started a big fight, the next day she woke up late and we could not go surfing, put me in a bad mood all day and it was a fight all day.

 

She has said some things to me that are so upsetting. Yet I demanded of her- work on this marriage or leave. She has been holding back affection and emotion and it that will not help our marriage.

 

Getting fed up - I am sitting here at work this morning just miserable. I will comment on some of what you typed above soon. Need to cool off for a bit. This is getting ridiculous.

[Surfer203]

And Joe.. our stories are very different. Your wife has pushed it way too far. Swinging is ridiculous, this all sounds like a huge mess man. I wish you the best of luck.

[marqueemoon4]

Well.. it has been a crushing weekend. Things are going horribly. Friday night we had a friend over and had some drinks. My wife was very drunk and began going off on me for no reason. We then fought for a while, I even recorded it so she could hear how drunk she was. She still claims she was not drunk. However, the things she said during this were bad.. she said that we are getting a divorce and she was bashing me, etc. Afterwards we both agreed it was fueled by alcohol.

 

The next day we spent our day and night apart.. she came home late again, blames it on friends who were driving her. I told her it is no one's responsibility but her own to get home at a reasonable hour especially after we discussed coming home at a reasonable hour. I was pissed, started a big fight, the next day she woke up late and we could not go surfing, put me in a bad mood all day and it was a fight all day.

 

She has said some things to me that are so upsetting. Yet I demanded of her- work on this marriage or leave. She has been holding back affection and emotion and it that will not help our marriage.

 

Getting fed up - I am sitting here at work this morning just miserable. I will comment on some of what you typed above soon. Need to cool off for a bit. This is getting ridiculous.

 

so now she's getting loaded and verbally abusing you. you gave her an ultimatum, she's waffling and making your life miserable... ENOUGH! Don't take her feelings into consideration anymore, she sure as hell isn't worried about yours. END IT.

[PegNosePete]

she said that we are getting a divorce and she was bashing me, etc. Afterwards we both agreed it was fueled by alcohol.

Dude. You know what I'm going to say here, if you've read any threads on alcohol then you know it's always the same response!

 

Drink does not change the person. It simply removes inhibitions. It reveals how she truly feels, without her "walls" being up.

 

Rather than saying "you were drunk ... you didn't mean it", I would be inclined to say "you were drunk ... you revealed your true feelings".

 

You gave her 2 options, work on the marriage or leave. Well she is choosing the third. Just sit there and do what she wants. Say to her, "work on the marriage or I am going to kick you the hell out".

[turnera]

Rather than saying "you were drunk ... you didn't mean it", I would be inclined to say "you were drunk ... you revealed your true feelings".

Exactly.

 

How long are you going to pretend she cares about you? What is your payoff? Just to avoid being alone? Seriously?

 

Surfer, you only have one life. There are millions of women out there just dying to find a man who only wants to be together, to love each other, and to dote on each other. Respect yourself enough to find one.

[Surfer203]

mm4: Yeah.. it is getting a bit too much to handle. I think I need to take a week off of work soon too, just to not focus on anything - do my own thing for a week or so.

 

She is getting so childish. I demand of her to put effort into the marriage or leave.. that's it. I reminded her of that this weekend in our talks. I also said some things to her that she actually took in. Things I said she claimed made sense. I don't know if any of those will make a difference, probably not at this point.

 

I can't keep starting every work week like this... fight with her all weekend and then come back to work and try and get through the day, one day at a time. It is getting exhausting. I can't fight with her anymore, I don't have it in me. I want to live a laid back life.. mellow.. no fighting, just want to be happy.

[Surfer203]

PNP and turnera: I realize that.. she is just sitting there being a sponge. I have not given her option 3, haha. I will not allow that anymore. Here we go again. I know when you are drunk you generally say how you really feel. I told her that I am not afraid to move on with out her, I do want to be with her and fix things. If she does not then that is fine. This is the last chance, I told her to take it or leave. Holding on by a thread.

[turnera]

So explain this: You gave her an ultimatum, change or I kick you out?

 

What was the timeline? What was the 'change' you need to see? What were the specifics of kicking her out?

 

I'm afraid that, in your Beta state, you never really said ANY of this. You just steamed and remained silent and willed her to understand.

[Surfer203]

turnera: I did give her parameters... told her what needed to change. I did not establish a timeline because I am not sure about that yet.. if I see positive changes, I will roll with it and give her some credit and more time to keep smoothing things out. If not, then I will cut it off sooner than later.

 

___

 

After all of this.. I still don't know why things went sour after she moved back home. Honestly it was night and day.. unbelievable progress and love was being exhibited on both sides. I really think she wants her freedom and after being on her own for 2 months she missed that freedom now she probably feels trapped by the marriage. I believe life is about balance, figure it out and all facets of your life can be joyous.

[turnera]

mm4: Yeah.. it is getting a bit too much to handle. I think I need to take a week off of work soon too, just to not focus on anything - do my own thing for a week or so.

Normally, I'm all for this attitude but, honestly, Surfer, in your situation, I think it just masks your personality, a personality that has its own flaws. You are a conflict avoider from what I can see, a Beta man instead of an Alpha man, and someone who is so co-dependent that he will rail at the stars but never really take action, because all he wants...is peace and quiet, but never ever ever to be alone.

 

That's not particularly healthy, you know. People like that, who, when they get stressed, just go off and stay alone so they can recharge, never really fix anything. They just absorb pain and abuse and unhappiness, until their barrel tips over and they have to decompress.

 

But they never deal with the real issues.

 

Are you in therapy? Even if she left, if you don't go, and learn about yourself, will just pick ANOTHER woman just like her. That's what people do - continue to pick the same partner over and over (usually someone just like their parent; we nearly always marry our parent), unless they stop and get off the ride by doing some indepth therapy to learn WHY theyy keep doing this and how to fix it. Please consider it.

[turnera]

After all of this.. I still don't know why things went sour after she moved back home. Honestly it was night and day.. unbelievable progress and love was being exhibited on both sides. I really think she wants her freedom and after being on her own for 2 months she missed that freedom now she probably feels trapped by the marriage. I believe life is about balance, figure it out and all facets of your life can be joyous.

That's easy. When she was out, she didn't have you taking care of her. So she kissed up to you to 'prove' to you she changed, so you would let her back in. Once she got home, she stopped putting on an act.

 

People do it all the time. You just don't want to accept the possibility that your wife is a User. Some people just are, Surfer. In their world, other people are just there to give you what you want. And you deserve it, damn it! Why can't people (like you) just shut up and accept that that's your job in life and give you what you want?

 

fwiw, such Users usually don't THINK they are Users. They think that that's how everyone behaves.

[debtman]

joe, start your own thread, but, you and your kids will be better of getting out of this. Sounds like she has already moved on, changed her mind about marriage, etc. Time to let her go and start over...sorry, sure it's not what you want to hear, but life goes on and, things DO get better.

 

surfer, sorry to hear about your weekend. As much as I want to tell you to keep trying and keep working on it, but it sounds like she's just not that willing or motivated to stick with it.

 

Maybe it's just my latest developments, but, I can tell you, there are LOTS of other women out there and, since you don't have kids yet, why stick around for someone who isn't willing to work on really building a strong marriage with you??

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Surfer203]

turnera: I am in therapy, yeah. Well no.. she came home when she admitted she had done wrong. Then once home she began treating me really well and me in return. She was already home before acting nicer. So, that is a bit off. Whether she is a user or not.. I would probably say yes. The way she has been treating me and the way she lived off of OM.

 

debtman: I know there are lots of women out there. This weekend I flirted with a woman I met, just really briefly and casually just for the hell of it and it felt really good. I got a laugh out of her and I knew if I was in a position to go further I could have. No worries there.

[turnera]

turnera: I am in therapy, yeah. Well no.. she came home when she admitted she had done wrong. Then once home she began treating me really well and me in return. She was already home before acting nicer. So, that is a bit off.

That is semantics, Surfer. She quit being nice because she didn't need to. Didn't have to happen the instant she crossed the threshold. It happened as soon as she realized she doesn't like you, realized she (probably) thinks you're a weak Beta man and that makes her DISlike you, and decided you're never going to really make her leave, so why bother wasting her time trying to make YOU happy.

[Surfer203]

turnera: Yeah.. semantics. Well, I think we are basically at that point. I have exhausted my own efforts and energy. I am thinking this will probably end very soon. Unless there is some sort of miracle.

[turnera]

Over at marriagebuilders, their plan recommends a timeline. One you make yourself stick to. The reason is so that you don't keep being your own worst enemy. "Well, maybe she didn't really mean that. I'll give her another week." "Well, she seems to be smiling more; maybe I'll wait a little longer." "Well, I feel better today; I think I can stick it out another month."

 

Every time you do that (what you are describing above), you take another hit on your self esteem. When you were dating, would you have accepted such behavior? Of course not. You CAME to accept it, one hit at a time; until now, when your self respect is shattered and you can't remember how much you are worth.

 

The interesting thing is that, once YOU respect yourself, it will make HER respect you. If you want her, you have to let her go and show her that you deserve better. You tried that once, she responded, and then you gave up again. Now, you have trained her that you will accept crap just to keep her around. Nothing is going to change that except you separating. Sorry, it just won't. She has no respect for you.

 

The timeline, I believe, was no more than 6 months. Any more than that, and YOU are the one in danger, from your sustained mental beatings. You need a real timeline: "I'm going to reassess on August 25; if she hasn't got me waking up happy each morning, I'm going to file for divorce." Something like that.

[Surfer203]

turnera: You are absolutely right on the money. My patience keeps getting stressed because of SMALL positive things she does. It should not be the case. My self esteem is at an all time low to be honest.. I can't keep living like this it is ruining my life. I told her that I don't enjoy doing anything that I used to anymore because I am so upset about our situation that I have no energy to enjoy anything that I used to. I will let her go at some point... not sure when that will be but I think you are right, I have to make a deadline.

[LifesontheUp]

turnera: I did give her parameters... told her what needed to change. I did not establish a timeline because I am not sure about that yet.. if I see positive changes, I will roll with it and give her some credit and more time to keep smoothing things out. If not, then I will cut it off sooner than later.

 

Go back and read through your posts Surfer, I've lost count of the number of times you say you are going to see if she makes changes, give her more time etc etc.

 

Her actions before getting drunk and her words when drunk should tell you all you need to know.

 

YOUR WIFE DOESN'T GIVE A RATS A$$ ABOUT YOU. YOU ARE HER MEAL TICKET UNTIL SOMETHING BETTER COMES ALONG.

 

When will you pluck up the courage to pack her bags and tell her to go. Its clear what you are doing now and have been doing isn't going to change anything. Kick her out so you can start to heal for goodness sake.

Edited July 11, 2011 by LifesontheUp
missed out a word

[Surfer203]

Lifesontheup: It's not that easy mate, wish it was. She is making it clear that she only cares about herself. I am at an all time low in terms of my self confidence and worth.

 

Another issue beyond our marriage is our finances, if she goes I will lose the house. So, it will be twice as bad.

[LifesontheUp]

Lifesontheup: It's not that easy mate, wish it was. She is making it clear that she only cares about herself. I am at an all time low in terms of my self confidence and worth.

 

Another issue beyond our marriage is our finances, if she goes I will lose the house. So, it will be twice as bad.

 

Absolutely not easy, I agree. Been there and done that with the possibility of losing the house too.

 

But you know what, my health and well being means more to me than some bricks and mortar and staying with someone who is totally disrespecting me.

 

Plenty of people seperate and get divorced every day Surfer and plenty of people find happiness after doing so.

 

Didn't you say in a previous post you could stay in your parents appartment or something like that? You are making more excuses Surfer