How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Yeah I could stay at my parents house. However, I WANT my house. I don't want to ruin my credit and lose the house. This would be a bad mark on my credit history. Something I have worked hard to achieve. The thought of it is sad.. it's like losing. I don't want to lose.

[LifesontheUp]

Yeah I could stay at my parents house. However, I WANT my house. I don't want to ruin my credit and lose the house. This would be a bad mark on my credit history. Something I have worked hard to achieve. The thought of it is sad.. it's like losing. I don't want to lose.

 

So its okay to let your wife spend and spend and ruin your credit history?

 

Come on Surfer, if it came to it you could negotiate with her over the house. Or sell it and start over. Nothing is impossible.

 

She's already running up debt to ruin your rating so you've said, so why the excuses again?

[turnera]

lifesontheup: It's not that easy mate, wish it was. She is making it clear that she only cares about herself. I am at an all time low in terms of my self confidence and worth.

 

Another issue beyond our marriage is our finances, if she goes i will lose the house. So, it will be twice as bad.

roommates.

[turnera]

Lifesontheup: It's not that easy mate, wish it was. She is making it clear that she only cares about herself. I am at an all time low in terms of my self confidence and worth.

 

Another issue beyond our marriage is our finances, if she goes I will lose the house. So, it will be twice as bad.

Wait a minute.

 

I thought she has no job.

 

How in the world can her leaving make YOU lose the house, when she isn't paying for it?

[PegNosePete]

You know it is amazing how much your bills go down when there's only one of you to feed, clothe, keep warm and entertain. I thought I would be much worse off after divorce, due to only having one income. But last week I bought a new Alienware laptop, went skiing in March and I am still ahead with the mortgage payments. I am much better off, and my household is on £20,000 less income.

 

How much does her unemployment contribute towards bills? And how much lower will the bills be when it's just you? I suspect, as in most cases, you'll be better off.

[LifesontheUp]

Wait a minute.

 

I thought she has no job.

 

How in the world can her leaving make YOU lose the house, when she isn't paying for it?

 

Its excuses

[marqueemoon4]

Yeah I could stay at my parents house. However, I WANT my house. I don't want to ruin my credit and lose the house. This would be a bad mark on my credit history. Something I have worked hard to achieve. The thought of it is sad.. it's like losing. I don't want to lose.

 

sorry.. you're going to divorce which = LOSS. No way around it buddy.

[Owl]

I'm going to disagree with some others a little bit.

 

There is nothing that needs to change in your situation that requires a timeline to accomplish.

 

You can tell her that these changes need to take effect TODAY. NOW.

 

The problem is that you have to STOP being afraid of losing her if you put your foot down.

 

Point blank. Done.

 

If you don't make that kind of mindset change...you're going to continue on for another 100+ pages of posting without resolving your situation.

 

Tell her point blank what she has to change, what she has to do/not do. Tell her it starts now.

 

Tell her she can decide today...right now...if she's willing to make those changes, or if she'd rather go ahead and pack her bags and move out tonight.

 

If you can't do that...then give up, and realize that you're AGREEING to allow her to continue to treat you this way.

 

Straight up...that's all I can say.

[Surfer203]

turnera and others: She is on unemployment.. so there is SOME money coming in currently. It's less than half of what I make.. not much money but it has been keeping us afloat for now. She is TRYING to find work.. so, if she did that would help a lot.

 

PNP: I do hear what you are saying, it might not be so bad on my own, she does consume a lot.. clothes, food, heat, AC, entertainment, etc. I know what you mean.

 

Lifesontheup: Selling the house is always an option but you are aware of the housing crisis in the USA right? We had our house on the mark for a year and a half before and no bites!

[Surfer203]

Owl: That would take more balls than I have currently. Wish I could do that. I basically did tell her that, but with no sense of urgency and with no sense of what she should change/fix. It was kind of general.. "either put effort into this marriage or pack your s*** and leave" That is verbatim what I said to her.

[LifesontheUp]

turnera and others: She is on unemployment.. so there is SOME money coming in currently. It's less than half of what I make.. not much money but it has been keeping us afloat for now. She is TRYING to find work.. so, if she did that would help a lot.

 

PNP: I do hear what you are saying, it might not be so bad on my own, she does consume a lot.. clothes, food, heat, AC, entertainment, etc. I know what you mean.

 

Lifesontheup: Selling the house is always an option but you are aware of the housing crisis in the USA right? We had our house on the mark for a year and a half before and no bites!

 

Yes I know all about the housing issue, its the same here in the UK. Houses are selling but at the right price. However, like I posted earlier, you could do a deal with her and maybe get to keep it, who knows.

 

So I'm going to pose a question. You get home tonight and your wife has packed her bags and left you. What will you do then?

[turnera]

It was kind of general.. "either put effort into this marriage or pack your s*** and leave" That is verbatim what I said to her.

Oh no, not that!

 

She's laughing at you as she sits on the couch, watches YOUR cable, eats YOUR food, and spends HER money on HERSELF.

 

Can't you at least get to a point where you're ashamed of yourself? Go tell your parents what you're going through. Maybe that will do it.

[Surfer203]

Lifesontheup: Wasn't aware you guys were having housing troubles too in the UK. I suppose if she packed and left I would probably first go directly to my parents and get comforted by them. Then once I got my head together I would serve her divorce papers immediately. Then move on with my life as I was trying to do this past fall/winter.

 

turnera: I don't think she is laughing at me.. but she is enjoying all of those comforts. Why should I be ashamed though? I am trying to do the honorable thing, be a good husband and person. I don't want to tell my parents until it is OVER this time. I put them through a lot when this first went down, they took care of me for 3 weeks at their house. It was awful. My father still does not really like my wife - it has made things awkward.

[Owl]

Owl: That would take more balls than I have currently. Wish I could do that. I basically did tell her that, but with no sense of urgency and with no sense of what she should change/fix. It was kind of general.. "either put effort into this marriage or pack your s*** and leave" That is verbatim what I said to her.

 

Then stop fighting to change the situation, and accept it.

 

By not enforcing change...you're agreeing to the situation.

 

Stop stressing over it...suck it up, own it, and realize that this is what you're agreeing to accept from her in your marriage.

 

Clearly she's not afraid of hurting or losing you...which is why she's got all the power in this relationship.

[Surfer203]

Owl: I have certainly handed over the power to her. Have to take it back.. by putting my foot down. I know, I have to build the courage to do so. I really think I am getting there though. By fighting with her I am no longer sitting back and taking it. I have been voicing my opposition to what she is doing. Guess I have to be more clear.