How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Steadfast]

So.. now her friend has text messaged me and is asking how I am doing. So, I ignored her too. I'm sure my wife asked her to see if I would respond to her. I am REALLY getting sick of this situation...

 

Maybe so, but soon enough she'll catch on and freeze you back. Then, you'll find out just how strong your resolve is. See, it's easy (and provides a bit of smug satisfaction) when they're getting nothing but dead air from you, but turn the tables and it'll sometimes seem like you never knew her. The distance will really grow for a time, but you'll talk when the dust settles. Someday.

 

One day at a time grasshopper. One hour at a time. Believe and heed this.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

I just remembered, I was able to find the OM's address and then his phone number. Then I put an ad in a traders paper, offering all kinds of goodys cheap. The first VCR's had just came out, priced in the 500's and tapes were abound 50. So offered a sighty used VCR and a dozen tapes for $500. And came up with some other items. Then put in that I worked second shift and did not get home until about 2, and it would be best to call between 2 and 4 in the a.m.

 

I think I would also try to force the OM to come up to the plate and help her with her finances.

 

Are you still on semi good terms with her folks. If so tell them that as a last ditch effort and that you are still trying to save your marriage. That you have been advised to make her hit rock bottom. The divorce and the cutting off of all funds are part of the plan, and that you need their help. If she should ask for financial assistance, it could possibly save the marriage if they would flat turn her down.

 

The idea is to make her see the reality of what she is creating, and the less help from them will make her see what she is giving up. even if it means she has to live out of her car.

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the compliments! Haha. Scary that you could find me so quickly. Yikes!

[Surfer203]

The OM is helping her, he pays for all of her food and I think gives her spending money. She has been paying all money she has (unemployment) to me so far.. although she may be working and lying to me about how much money she has.. I DOUBT it though. She asked her parents for money for her trip last week and they said NO.. you should have thought about that before you booked your trip. So.. they are certainly not going to help her financially.

[Surfer203]

I think I am having a phone conversation with her tonight. I have to tell her not to talk to me anymore unless it is about finances or reconciling. I feel this is necessary. I feel it will make her MAKE A DECISION sooner than later and if her decision is no then that is fine. I just want this over and maybe this will help? What do you think, I know you all believe in NC, but this is kind of a foot down time for me, I have had it with the hot and cold and lack of decision.

[Surfer203]

I am also going to tell her to tell her friends to not bother me anymore. I think they are just trying to get info and not really giving a S*** about my feelings as they pretend to. Her friend told me that she thinks I need to make my own decision, which I kind of have. On the other hand I don't want to let my wife get off easy and not have to end it. I want her to stress about it and have to do this hard task.

[What_Next]

IMHO I would NOT be having any phone conversations with her right now. You are not mentally ready for it and she will play you like a fiddle.

 

You think you are all sorted out as far as what you want to do right? No you aren't. It is easy to come on here and trade posts with those that have been wronged and are hell bent on divorce etc. Applying this to YOUR own life is whole different thing. My opinion? Stop, breathe.

 

Continue with advice from a lawyer. Leave her be. Let her stew. I'd personally be changing all my phone numbers just because.

[hopesndreams]

I think I am having a phone conversation with her tonight. I have to tell her not to talk to me anymore unless it is about finances or reconciling. I feel this is necessary. I feel it will make her MAKE A DECISION sooner than later and if her decision is no then that is fine. I just want this over and maybe this will help? What do you think, I know you all believe in NC, but this is kind of a foot down time for me, I have had it with the hot and cold and lack of decision.

 

Sorry to see that you are weakening. Doing the exact opposite of what you want to do will give you the best results, however the outcome.

 

Time and space, away from her, is what you need.

 

She has already made her decision. Going NC, sticking to it, could quite possibly make her re-think that decision and it gives you chance to figure out what/who you really want in your life.

[Darth Vader]

IMHO I would NOT be having any phone conversations with her right now. You are not mentally ready for it and she will play you like a fiddle.

 

You think you are all sorted out as far as what you want to do right? No you aren't. It is easy to come on here and trade posts with those that have been wronged and are hell bent on divorce etc. Applying this to YOUR own life is whole different thing. My opinion? Stop, breathe.

 

Continue with advice from a lawyer. Leave her be. Let her stew. I'd personally be changing all my phone numbers just because.

 

 

Yup, DON'T contact her! She'll just reel you back in! As far as her friends go, they're her friends, not yours! They're telling you that you need to make a decision soon? What have they been smokin?

[Surfer203]

You are right.. they are HER friends. One is advising me that I should "make the decision for her and move on with your life". I agree with that, but at the same time.. what is she really is deciding to be with me or not and then I go and end it? I would regret that.

[GorillaTheater]

You are right.. they are HER friends. One is advising me that I should "make the decision for her and move on with your life". I agree with that, but at the same time.. what is she really is deciding to be with me or not and then I go and end it? I would regret that.

 

Your friend is absolutely correct. You need to take charge of your life and your future, and you can only do that by making your own calls.

 

If you end it, and she still wants you, she'll pursue you. Maybe all the harder. If not, you'll know without a doubt that you made the right decision.

[Surfer203]

Gorilla: I believe that.. I believe if I ended it and she truly wanted me she would chase after me. I am just afraid to end it. I do want to tell her that time is ticking and I have basically lost faith in her choosing me.

[Surfer203]

My question is.. WHY is her friend telling me. Is it because she has inside knowledge.. maybe she knows that my wife CAN'T end it with me. Or maybe that is just her real opinion for my own good. I don't know what to think.

[What_Next]

Surfer, remember that roller coaster we have been all talking about? You said you understood right? WRONG! You don't have a clue (tongue in cheek my friend). You are in a dip, which will be followed by a peak, then perhaps a plateau.

 

RELAX! BREATHE! NO MAJOR DECISIONS NOW!

 

Tell her friends to go pound sand. DO NOT TALK TO THEM! You have no idea of their motivation.

 

Take care of YOU, go out buy some new clothes, grow some facial hair, buy a chincilia... Pick up a new hobby, start jogging, whatever you need to do.

 

Trust me, once she sees what she is missing she won't be able to help herself. Want a quick way to make a woman lose all interest in you? Look like a pathetic whiner. I am NOT saying that is what you have been doing, but stay strong, stay the course.

 

She made this bed (literally and figuratively), so she must bear the brunt of what will happen.

[Surfer203]

Thanks What_Next: You inspire me to not want to give up. It is hard not to sometimes, but I have never been a quitter. So, I shouldn't stop now.

 

I will follow your advice.. Chinchilla and all!

[GorillaTheater]

I am just afraid to end it.

 

I understand the fear. I also understand that fear is a more formidable enemy than anything else in your life, including your wife and any divorce. You will be okay WHATEVER happens. It's the truth, whether you can bring yourself to believe it now or not. No matter what, you can handle it. Make the right decision for you, and let go of the outcome (you can't control it, so there's no point in fearing it). You can handle this.

[Surfer203]

Gorilla: I get that.. I get that I can deal with the outcome, but it is still terrifying. I have already been hit with the realization that I can't control it, no matter how hard I try to sway her. No point, the only thing to do is accept it!

[dickface]

you have got to man up, no more wavering on what you believe is right for anyone. including her mom. Just stick with what you know is right (NC) and she will realize what she is doing and continues to do. It may take awhile but you have all the time in the world because it is your decision now. You have the decision to make, hers was made already when she decided to go do the things she has done. You have got to move forward with your own life and not make (anyone) her a priority when all you are to her is an option. If you waver she will think you will never be able to handle her as she has all the balls. The game has changed and now its in your court. but you have got to be cool. No ultimatums (only means she gets to choose) No games just be you and if you decide to get back with her later on its YOUR choice. The proof is in the actions not the words. You still feel attached to her and an outcome thats why your wavering unsure. Once you let go completely of the attachment it wont matter what she thinks all that matters is what you think than you will be ready to judge her action and make a decision as you are still clouded.

[Surfer203]

dickface: yeah.. I guess you could say I am still pretty clouded, although I am starting to see some light shining through. I will keep doing what I'm doing. I can tell that the NC has really bothered her. Her responses have been more so confused than angry. So that is interesting. One of the things she said was: "you are obviouslly unhappy" - WELL WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?! A real rocket scientist we have here.

[dickface]

she is trying to bait you so she can blame it on you. Obviously she is stewing and its making her upset because she knows that you are not biting. Just leave a sleeping dog alone and you will be okay.

[Surfer203]

I don't know what she is trying to do exactly. It is so weird to deal with a person who you thought you knew inside and out and then you realize what a joke the past decade of your life was based on the way they are currently behaving.

[Steadfast]

I believe if I ended it and she truly wanted me she would chase after me. I am just afraid to end it. I do want to tell her that time is ticking and I have basically lost faith in her choosing me.

 

W_N laid it out perfectly; you are, and will continue to travel through peaks and valleys. Choose you? If what you've written is accurate then she chose against you and your marriage a long time ago. You don't have to like it but you're still somewhat buying what she's selling...believing, somewhere down deep inside that she still loves you and might return.

 

She probably does have some feelings for you, confused as they are. After all, she did marry you. But she's sexually attracted-to and involved with someone else, and betrayed you to reach that point. What, if anything, do you hope to gain by a possible reconciliation? At some point, the thought will occur to you that the real danger is choosing you and coming home.

 

In essence, you'd like to talk to her to tell her why you don't want to talk to her. Don't you think she'll see through that instantly? Dude, when it comes to the game she's way out of your league. Don't play it. You'd need her to say and then do very specific things in order for her to return, and NC allows you do decide if that is what you really want. In time, you may not.

 

Regressing is normal, but keep it inside of your own walls.Don't let her see any of it and don't waste the healing momentum you've gained by peeking in the door to see if she's looking. Your wife is a cheater who is living with and having regular sex with another man. If you want to heal, don't stick around to see how it ends. Leave it behind; divorce it. Leave her alone.

 

Leave her alone. Don't talk to her. Get your affairs in order and heal. Use friends, family, and concentrate on doing what is right and good.

 

I can tell that the NC has really bothered her. Her responses have been more so confused than angry. So that is interesting. One of the things she said was: "you are obviouslly unhappy" - WELL WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT?! A real rocket scientist we have here.

 

She wants what she wants and she wants you to support it. Be there. That's enabling and it's bad for everyone. Her path is her path. Yours is different.

Edited December 1, 2010 by Steadfast

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: I understand. Hard to comes to terms with that fact still. It's just the mixed message I am receiving make me believe she is not totally sure of her decision. That's all.

 

I will not enable her any longer. She is on her own now.

[GorillaTheater]

It's just the mixed message I am receiving make me believe she is not totally sure of her decision. That's all.

 

Mindreading. It doesn't work. Hell man, SHE probably has no idea what she's thinking.

 

I will not enable her any longer. She is on her own now.

 

Excellent plan.

[Surfer203]

Gorilla: You are right.. I can't read minds. I have tried to decipher her words up to this point and it all does not make sense. I agree that she is in a fog, she does not know what she wants or is thinking probably.

 

 

I shall move forward with that plan, I am looking forward to ridding myself of the feeling I get whenever she texts or contacts me. Even if it is not a bad thing, just seeing her name and everything gets me down and disrupts my day.