How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[FreeNow]

but at the same time.. what is she really is deciding to be with me or not and then I go and end it? I would regret that.

 

I haven't read this page of replies so if it's already been mentioned...

 

Surfer, *if* she really wanted you badly later she could let you remarry her. Just throwing that out there.

 

 

Breaking NC doesn't often end well. One side might be in an affair fog and perhaps even outright manipulating while the other is back and forth inside on an emotional roller coaster.

 

Sometimes, when in doubt; wait, be still.

[FreeNow]

but I have never been a quitter.

 

That's the same reason my friend gave for continuing to do heroin.

 

Humor but provokes a thought about hanging on to what is good for us and what is not. I've never been a quitter and IC taught me that not all things ought be held onto or fought for.

 

I'm not taking any particular angle, rather expressing some points of view that I was incapable of conceiving during my time of marital bliss hell.

[FreeNow]

I have already been hit with the realization that I can't control it, no matter how hard I try to sway her. No point, the only thing to do is accept it!

 

There is a further point here. If you could wave a magic wand and control her 100%, is that truly what you would want in the long term? Which is desirable; a spouse that remains as a result of a free will choice to return and continuously chooses work out her demons or a captive? If she was with you because of something external to you, such as money or whatever, would you be satisfied she really loved you? Her actions, over time, will clearly indicate her choices.

 

Even if you could control her now, the reasons, whatever they may be, behind her decisions to go outside the marriage and remain there would need to be addressed at some point in the future. Only she can do that. Only she can want to do that. The alternative is a captive wife. She would be with you but you'd never have her love or her respect.

 

I don't like admitting it on a forum, but my wife cheated for many YEARS. Things started off much like your situation. We already had children and I wasn't a 'quitter'. Each time, she was remorseful. Each time she lost more respect for me. Each time a part of me, as her husband, died. I'm confident that a few more years of that would've physically killed me. She lost respect for me so she used me for years.

 

Each situation is different but they do follow probabilities. The most likely outcome if she doesn't address this of her own volition, IMHO, is disaster.

[Surfer203]

HUGE UPDATE:

 

I just got tricked in to a phone call from her. Unlisted number.. BAM! We spoke for a long time.. I probably should have just hung up, but she would have kept calling.

 

Anyway, here is what went on:

 

She still has not made a decision.. she told me she could never 100% say no to me but does not want to keep me waiting. She denies that she is not making a decision so I will quit and tell her I'm done - thus getting her out of making the decision. I told her that I am moving on with my life and if I DECIDE I want her back down the road I will make that decision if she decides comes back. I ended saying.. "so.. I am still floating then and so are you huh?". She can't give a fully whole hearted "no". What does this really mean?!

 

Furthermore, I told her communication is totally done between the two of us.. barring financial stuff or talks of reconciliation. She agreed that it was a good idea.

 

To me it really seems like her trip back to her parents was useless and her family and friends gave her "open minded advice." "You gotta do what's best for you.. blah blah!". Everyone says they are in your corner and they really aren't.

 

So we left off not angry or yelling, although there were points were we both were, she even hung up on me once. What a clusterf*** of a call it was. We didn't end it on bad terms I guess.. but it could have gone better.

 

My next step is talking to lawyers and seeing what I need to do. Time is nearly up and if she wants to come back, there are not many grains of sand left in the hourglass.

 

I told her our boss is going to tell unemployment that she quit and was not laid off, thus removing her benefits and she would then have to pay back those monies earned. She lost her mind crying and hyperventilating. I don't want her to have a bad life even with what she did to me.. but I think it was important to tell her that.. She flipped out.. terrified. I think it was good to tell her this, just another thing to add on her list of results of her bad decisions.

 

I know most of you will be annoyed that we communicated and broke NC, but I think it was an important call to establish my boundries and to end contact once and for all.

 

I am sure I am missing something... maybe it will come to me later.

 

Thoughts?

[michaelhopes]

She still has not made a decision.. she told me she could never 100% say no to me but does not want to keep me waiting

Translation - It's over but she'd like to keep you as a back up plan.....

 

I told her our boss is going to tell unemployment that she quit and was not laid off, thus removing her benefits and she would then have to pay back those monies earned

Yep...at the very least she will be cut off....probably have to pay back benefits....and possibly go to court

 

Keep on truckin

[sirweasles]

prove your self now get the paper work if you dont get it now she will continue to toy with you i believe at this point reconciliation is a mute point but you never know what she might do once you hand her those papers and she sees that her game is over.

[Surfer203]

michaelhopes: That is how I take it too.. back up plan! She says "I kind of made my decision when I left".

 

Yeah.. she can get in some trouble if that happens. Not my problem. I really think it was good to tell her this. She needs a list of things piling up that are wrong with her life to WAKE UP.

 

I will keep on trucking. NC is the way to go. Should have done it from the start.

[Surfer203]

sirweasles: Yeah.. I am sure the divorce papers have much more impact than any words I could say to her.

 

Still.. I have not gotten a "no". But I am taking all of what she said as a "no". Time to move on.

[Surfer203]

Just got an email from her tying a few things up and apologizing for her nasty attitude on the phone. She thanked me for everything.. I guess she means, thanks for how nice I have been to her in spite of what she has done and the support I have given her (and shouldn't have). But.. that is all over now.. no more contact. Let's see how she enjoys her new life with out being able to talk to me or ask me questions about random stuff.

 

I am no more sad than I have been so far, which is good. I am not more hopeful nor more hopeless. I just am. Time to rediscover myself and move onward.

 

I don't know how many updates there will be from now on, unless she caves in and comes back to me or I file for divorce. So, we will see... I plan on checking back here frequently and I still welcome any advice or thoughts on the most recent developments. Thanks again to all!

[What_Next]

You weren't "tricked" into anything. You wanted to talk to her. You did. Sorry to be hard on you, but you need it.

 

You took that call willingly and it was a MISTAKE. You should have let it go to voicemail and have ignored it.

 

OK, that's done, this is a play by her. She is testing the waters and you are playing right into it.

 

Now, change your numbers, cut off ALL contact NOW! You said you will, but really will you?

 

Let your lawyer direct you through this now.

[FreeNow]

I ended saying.. "so.. I am still floating then and so are you huh?". She can't give a fully whole hearted "no". What does this really mean?!

 

Furthermore, I told her communication is totally done between the two of us.. barring financial stuff or talks of reconciliation. She agreed that it was a good idea.

 

I told her our boss is going to tell unemployment that she quit and was not laid off, thus removing her benefits and she would then have to pay back those monies earned. She lost her mind crying and hyperventilating. I don't want her to have a bad life even with what she did to me.. but I think it was important to tell her that.. She flipped out.. terrified. I think it was good to tell her this, just another thing to add on her list of results of her bad decisions.

 

Not to be insensitive Surfer, however, it seems like she reacted more about the money than the marriage. Not a surprise, really.

 

Her family and friends will almost always be in 'her corner' over the long haul. There are exceptions out there but the rule of thumb is pretty much what you are experiencing.

 

 

If you are going to divorce her for sure, you ought not tip your hand with so much information in the future.

[FreeNow]

She says "I kind of made my decision when I left".

 

She's giving you her real answer in action and in the above quote.

[LifesontheUp]

She still has not made a decision.. she told me she could never 100% say no to me but does not want to keep me waiting.

 

She lost her mind crying and hyperventilating.

 

These stood out for me.

 

She continues to show you by her actions that she wants the OM and is just messing you around with her words.

 

Also, she cries over the loss of money, but not her marriage It just shows what a selfish woman she is Surfer and hopefully you will come to realise it in time.

 

Can I ask if you have given any thought to what would happen if she did come back and you took her in? What do you think that would be like after she has been living with an OM for how long?

 

I really feel for you but I think you are prolonging the inevitable. Its scary I know, but take it from a woman, she is stringing you along. You have to the cut the cord because the only person this will "bring down" is YOU.

 

I think you should have a think about the questions I asked above. At the moment you are concentrating on wanting her back, but sometimes when what we wish for happens, all isn't as rosy in the garden as we thought it would be. Sometimes there is too much water under the bridge.

 

Take care

[PegNosePete]

If you are going to divorce her for sure, you ought not tip your hand with so much information in the future.

Yes top tip. Surfer stick with the NC. And do not let her know what you're up to. Hope you didn't tell her on the phone that you're going to see a lawyer? Don't tell her anything about finances. Just do it. Her financial problems are her own now, she is reaping what she has sown.

[giblesp]

Bear in mind she might consider coming back to you for financial support, now that she has none.

I'd also say, she's crying about the money and not her marriage. It's a terrible thing to betray a married partner, and she should have been in tears over her marriage, not unemployment money.

[karnak]

To me it really seems like her trip back to her parents was useless and her family and friends gave her "open minded advice." "You gotta do what's best for you.. blah blah!". Everyone says they are in your corner and they really aren't.

 

 

Remember what I told you in an earlier post, concerning "friends"?

 

She acquired her behaviour somewhere (in this case, her upbringing). As time passes you'll probably see that her parents (and possibly most of your friends) are just as selfish and messed-up as she is. They just learn to conceal it to the "outside world".

 

I'll never repeat it often enough: Most people in the world aren't really good or bad. They're just... selfish (meaning they always act according to their best interest in the long run).

[Fufu]

I hope I'm not getting this wrong.

 

She wants to be with the OM but only wants Surfer's financial support?

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

So she found a way to contact you. Curiousity. I would bet that she is also going to find a way to have a face to face with you. Perhaps unexpectedly stopping by the house.

 

Prepare yourself and change the rules of the game. Some new clothes perhaps, haircut, cologne. You don't have to be dating, but you can hint that you might be. Get out of the house on weekends. Even wayward wives get upset when they find out that other women are interested in their man.

 

If you didn't decorate outside in the past do so. And if you did, decorate even more.

 

As a successful player for several decades, I can tell you that women love a man who gets into the holiday spirit. It says you are a fun loving guy, rather than a withdrawn grump. Look at Christmas light as a neon sign that says a fun loving guy lives here.

 

And if she should tell you that she is glad to see that you are moving on and finding someone new. Thank her, as the world is full of beautiful woman and your sex life will be soon be taking off.

[Surfer203]

Well.. she was crying before the financial talk. She was crying about our situation first. The financial stuff made her lose it completely though, she is scared that she may have to go to jail. Anyway, it was weird. I feel mixed about this. I feel bad that it has gone this far, I kind of expected it though. I feel good that I can actually try to move in with out hope of getting back together. Yet she still hits me with... "maybe in a month or a year or who knows, I will want you back and I understand it may be too late".

 

I did send her a final email immediately after the talk to tie up some financial concerns and told her some things that I told her never to forget. She told me that she won't and that she saved the email. Crazy woman she is.

 

We both decided that further communication was a hinderance. What's crazy is she is STILL not not saying NO to me or talking about a divorce. If she wants it to be over, why isn't she taking some initiative? Back up plan still!??!?! I will be seeing some lawyers and getting this process rolling. Let's see how she feels when I serve her divorce papers. Can I do this or should it be mailed to her by the lawyer? I am interested to see her reaction to the divorce papers.

 

Today is starting off as a bit of a bummer for me.. I feel depleted, physically and mentally. I do know that I am no sadder than I was at the beginning of this thing. So that is good. I do feel like I have been getting the run around for the past few weeks and that is irritating. I still think she does not know what she really wants and realizes how much bad is coming of her decisions.

 

Wish me luck.

[Surfer203]

Fufu: No.. she does not want my support. The OM is paying for her to live and do stuff. She is paying my 100% of her unemployment which leaves her $0.

[PegNosePete]

I would let your lawyer worry about all the paperwork. He will know the best way to handle it in your case. Oh and be prepared for her money to not come to you for much longer, as soon as she gets the divorce papers she will no doubt see a lawyer too, and he will tell her to stop giving you money. She might well turn nasty when she realizes you're actually serious, and sticking up for yourself now. You need to make sure your assets are secured, any joint liabilities (eg credit cards) are cancelled, and important paperwork is safe and backed up.

 

Yeah dude you will feel down, depleted mentally and physically a lot. 5 months on and I still do, about 50% of the time . But it's for the best dude. You have to get through the lows to get to the highs. As the bloke in Vanilla Sky says... the sweet is never as sweet without the sour.

[Surfer203]

Pete: Thanks - I will let the lawyer handle it then. I assume you are right though, I have not even seen how nasty she will get. I will put on my helmet and pads and buckle down. I assume she will stop paying, but it is in her best interest to keep paying if she wants any interest in the house. Last night she said that she intends to keep paying because these things are "half hers". Which is true technically, but she abandoned it, we will see what happens and how the law will treat it.

 

I imagine I will feel this way for a long time. Meeting other women will help.. even if it is casual and just enjoying a dinner out or whatever. Need to do more things to get my mind off of this. Wish it was summer so I could be surfing. That is the best medicine for me.

[debtman]

Surfer203,

 

Sorry/glad to hear how things have worked out. I'm telling you, it sucks right now. Give yourself some time. I've been filling my time with friends, family, work and, now that we've gotten some snow, am planning to start doing some playing, which was what I was focused on before I had someone in my life who NEEDED me around all the time to give them purpose.

 

May be too cold for surfing, but snow kiting season is here!

 

Get out! Re-kindle old friendships, go out for some drinks with friends and, if you feel the need to, go out on some casual dates, but, beware the rebound relationship. Your wife and mine are both in rebound relationships and don't even realize it. I didn't realize until recently that my wife was using me as a rebound from her last marriage and she NEVER fixed the problems that caused that divorce and, consequently, still has the same issues and is now just unloading them on this new guy because he's "there" for her...because the relationship is new and he doesn't know the "real" her yet. He only sees the one that's all made up, "interested" in everything he does and determined to "get" him to commit to her.

 

It's difficult for me because I have to see her every few days to get the kids and drop them off and I have to talk/email with her every day to get all the updates/issues with the kids resolved. She desperately wants to stay "friends" with me and can't understand what I'm so upset about. I took an attitude of indifference to her initially to keep me from yelling and screaming which would only get lawyers involved. Now, I just feel sorry for her. She's happier being angry and wants someone to fill the void she has. She will never be happy as long as she stays on that path and, knowing that, I'm fine with NOT dating, sleeping around, etc. until I heal emotionally from this. No need to drag another person into my healing process.

 

Good luck, keep posting (it helps) and remember that your life is about YOU and you are the only person who controls your happiness.

 

Printed this out the other day and hung it on my wall.

http://imgfave.com/view/909596

[Surfer203]

debtman: Thanks for the kind words, advice and sharing your story. It feels good to know that I am not the only one living through hell right now. I agree with you, both women are in rebound relationships. How can they succeed?!

 

Like you, I am sad for my wife's situation now.. My wife has it bad for the following reasons: No job, on unemployment and will lose it when our boss tells NYS unemployment that she quit and was not laid off, her man pays for everything for her, no health insurance, damaged relationships with family and friends, no me anymore. , no house, does not have her pets anymore, lost out on all of her belongings, will we me money for a very long time... etc.etc. It is good to know how much she is losing out on and for what?! A relationship that is going no where and a life that is about to hit a brick wall.

 

We are both better off. Time for us to be free and live our lives with out being told what to do or how to do it. I was tired of pleasing her and conforming to her crazy rules and preferences.

 

Sucks that you have to interact with her about the kids, but they are the most important thing other than yourself at the moment. Can't let that slip. Good luck to you, be strong. I plan on posting here still and giving advice and updates the best I can.

[Darth Vader]

Well.. she was crying before the financial talk. She was crying about our situation first. The financial stuff made her lose it completely though, she is scared that she may have to go to jail. Anyway, it was weird. I feel mixed about this. I feel bad that it has gone this far, I kind of expected it though. I feel good that I can actually try to move in with out hope of getting back together. Yet she still hits me with... "maybe in a month or a year or who knows, I will want you back and I understand it may be too late".

 

I did send her a final email immediately after the talk to tie up some financial concerns and told her some things that I told her never to forget. She told me that she won't and that she saved the email. Crazy woman she is.

 

We both decided that further communication was a hinderance. What's crazy is she is STILL not not saying NO to me or talking about a divorce. If she wants it to be over, why isn't she taking some initiative? Back up plan still!??!?! I will be seeing some lawyers and getting this process rolling. Let's see how she feels when I serve her divorce papers. Can I do this or should it be mailed to her by the lawyer? I am interested to see her reaction to the divorce papers.

 

Today is starting off as a bit of a bummer for me.. I feel depleted, physically and mentally. I do know that I am no sadder than I was at the beginning of this thing. So that is good. I do feel like I have been getting the run around for the past few weeks and that is irritating. I still think she does not know what she really wants and realizes how much bad is coming of her decisions.

 

Wish me luck.

 

 

Use this time to cancel any joint credit cards:mad:! Contact a good LAWYER NOW! Protect your assests, NOW! THE LONGER YOU WAIT, THE MORE LIKELY SHE'LL WAKE UP AND DESTROY YOU! DROP THIS BITCH'S ASS NOW! She's given you your answer, to keep you on the back burner! She's in confusion mode right now, get your Ducks lined up NOW! Get the Divorce Papers lined up NOW!

 

VERY IMPORTANT:mad:

STRIKE WHILE'S THE IRON IS HOT!