slowbutSURE Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 You're hanging tough Surfer, keep it up! My thoughts, for what they're worth, you talked to her a little bit. No big deal. It seemed inevitable. Do be VERY cautious about any future encounters! DO NOT tip your hand about ANY intentions. They will be used to HER full advantage. She has already proven what she is capable of, that whole moving out and sleeping with somebody else thing. It is nothing to her, its devastating to you. She will grab anything and run with it. I was advised to get a female attorney by someone who been down this road. I am so glad I did! I was told a woman is really going to stick up for you, because of what a woman DID to you. Might be BS, but I went with it and its working well for me. Research the hell out of your attorney choice online, you want the best you can afford, it will pay itself back tenfold with piece of mind at the very least. As has been said before, let the attorney advise you on how to proceed. A good one knows the best way to make it work for you. This whole thing just sucks. I know it. We all know it. Once you visit with an attorney I think you will feel better and have more optimism about your future. Knowing you have a future is wonderful in itself! We're here for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Share Posted December 2, 2010 Darth: I plan on taking care of a few of those joint issues ASAP. Don't want to get hurt anymore than I already am. I will also move any important documents to a hidden place. slowbutSURE: I actually was wondering whether a male or female lawyer would be better. Interesting! From now on, I am keeping quiet about any intentions or information I know that can help/hinder her. The ball is in my court now and I am not nice when I am angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Darth: I plan on taking care of a few of those joint issues ASAP. Don't want to get hurt anymore than I already am. I will also move any important documents to a hidden place. slowbutSURE: I actually was wondering whether a male or female lawyer would be better. Interesting! From now on, I am keeping quiet about any intentions or information I know that can help/hinder her. The ball is in my court now and I am not nice when I am angry. That's the attitude that you need! My kind of attitude! Don't forget about the separate account thing either! Ask your Lawyer about ABANDONMENT! See if it's applicable in your case! We're here for you my MAN! But, stop the planning, get your ass movin, NOW! The faster you get lined up the better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Share Posted December 2, 2010 Thanks Darth! Doing my best. I am not sure about the abandonment thing.. she is paying SOME money.. not nearly enough but she is paying me her weekly unemploymet in full. We will see what happens, when I hit her with divorce papers she may stop paying. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Thanks Darth! Doing my best. I am not sure about the abandonment thing.. she is paying SOME money.. not nearly enough but she is paying me her weekly unemploymet in full. We will see what happens, when I hit her with divorce papers she may stop paying. It really doesn't matter what she's paying now, I'm more concerned what she'll be wanting you to be paying her in the near future! Remember, she doesn't love you! At least we're trying to. So she will get nasty, count on it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Share Posted December 2, 2010 I don't know if she will be entitled to anything based on her committing adultery and moving out of the martial home (not paying enough money to me).. I don't know how she could get money from me.. but I am sure the law works in mysterious ways. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 I don't know if she will be entitled to anything based on her committing adultery and moving out of the martial home (not paying enough money to me).. I don't know how she could get money from me.. but I am sure the law works in mysterious ways. Is your state one of the few where adultery matters even a little bit? In most jurisdictions it doesn't change anything. Same deal with moving out of the marital home. When there are children involved it matters much more in relation to custody. When no children are involved, staying in the home gives the person a chance to quietly liquidate unnoticed assets (!!!shady area!!! even I didn't go there) and may give slight leverage to who buys out whom. Depending on how the financials pan out and any negotiation; if you own the home together, someone is buying out the other or it'll go on the market. As to not paying enough to you... it all depends on how the financial record comes out. Also, she is sending you the unemployment money... you know she quit and the boss is turning her in... and you accepted the money. AND you told her you knew. You might even end up paying half or all of that back if she is financially unable. The State get's it's money before anyone else! You really need an attorney on this part. I know some of my posts were long but if you read much of them you will catch a pattern of opinion. These things can go cooperatively (I've not often seen that), they can go the long drawn out way (flush $$$), or one can slam dunk the other. Again, if you are going to do this thing... hit it fast, hard, and with all you want to expend. Run silent on details and any you actually give need to be calculated disinformation. Being in your spot sucks. A lot of us have been there. Good luck Surfer... you can do this! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 2, 2010 Author Share Posted December 2, 2010 Thanks.. I am not sure what my states rules are, I will have to talk to the lawyer. Waiting on 3 different lawyers to let me know about a consultation. I am going to do my best with all of this. Question for all of you though.. do you think that my ignoring her after she came back and my anger on the phone last night could have made her more solidified in her "decision". She told me she was totally thrown off by my ignoring her and didn't understand it, she said it came out of nowhere... and I guess it really did. Do you think that could have made it worse? I know things were pretty bad anyway, but maybe I went too far after she was claiming to take time out and see how she feels. Ugh.. second guessing myself.. stupid! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Do you think that could have made it worse? Nope. Stop second guessing! Ugh.. second guessing myself.. stupid! Not stupid... normal. Now STOP second guessing, dammit! Other LSers, brow beat this man till he takes it easier on himself! (j/k) Link to post Share on other sites
slowbutSURE Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Hell yes you threw her off! She was expecting "business as usual", you anxiously gobbling up any crumb she tossed your way. All about POWER! She has for the past five and a half weeks (?) controlled all of it. You took some back and she doesn't like it at all. She has played/preyed upon you being a nice guy and never saw it coming. Its normal but PLEASE don't second guess yourself too much. You are flushing out her true feelings. If she wants you, she will be back in a nano second, with all of her belongings apologizing profusely for what she has done. Sorry but I don't see that happening. ROLLERCOASTER. Stay the course. Retain your attorney and move forward! Blunt honesty, she has made her choice. Deep down I think you know this too but sucks big time to face it. Been there. Done that. Now the proud owner of a T shirt. Link to post Share on other sites
michaelhopes Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 It's kind of sick in the head actually........ She expects you to roll over and just accept what she is doing Link to post Share on other sites
Wilie Posted December 2, 2010 Share Posted December 2, 2010 Surfer, Listen to the advice here please. i went through the SAME exact crap you are, except i did it for 5 months until i got my balls back and ended it on turkey day. I can say at least i feel somewhat better because i was the one who decided to go NC, and changed my emails, phones, etc. Your's, like mine, will NEVER tell you no, because they want us to be a Plan B for them.. so lose the hope that you are going to get a definate answer. It really sucks bad, but you know what has been said here HAS to be done. Keep the NC ( I am on day 7 of mine ).. let your lawyer do all the talking with her, and you worry about YOU. It is hard man, but utilize these forums, and stay AWAY from her for your sake.. Will Link to post Share on other sites
cyabye Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Question for all of you though.. do you think that my ignoring her after she came back and my anger on the phone last night could have made her more solidified in her "decision". She told me she was totally thrown off by my ignoring her and didn't understand it, she said it came out of nowhere... and I guess it really did. Do you think that could have made it worse? Ugh.. second guessing myself.. stupid! Surf! SHE MADE HER DECISION WHEN SHE LEFT!!!!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!! NOTHING you said or done "MADE" her do any of this. You need to snap out of this second guessing stuff and realize this before a world of hurt comes down on you. BE STRONG!!! cya Link to post Share on other sites
Eye of Hourus Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Have a look at this guide. http://www.jud.ct.gov/Publications/fm179.pdf You can save yourself a packet in legal fees if you do the legwork. Read thru the guide linked above and prepare as much of the info required yourself. You will also find info on lodging, service (even when spouse is out of state) and some important info on your responsibilities (insurance, debt etc) The Eye “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Surf! SHE MADE HER DECISION WHEN SHE LEFT!!!!! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!! NOTHING you said or done "MADE" her do any of this. You need to snap out of this second guessing stuff and realize this before a world of hurt comes down on you. BE STRONG!!! cya Amen! She made the choice when she left. That is all you have to know. Words are nothing, actions are everything. Accept it and get on with your life. It may take a little while but there are something like 4 billion other women on the planet dying to find a decent man. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 Okay okay.. I am being silly. Back to tough guy mode! hahaha. Funny enough she emailed me today to change something on her Verizon wireless account and they won't let her change it. I am the controller of the account so she asked me to call up and change it. I will not.. F*** her, and I will ignore her email. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 She may get so mad that she calls Japan and leaves the phone on. Might be better to transfer that phone to her control and be done with paying for it too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 Hmmm.. will they do that? Transfer the account to her? Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Michelangelo's is a good example of closing financial liabilities in the beginning of the process. You could be on the hook for at least half of that bill and if she didn't pay it then you'd end up paying it to preserve your credit and avoid collections. *I closed off all potential credit risks from then STBxW the day she was out the door. Good thing too as she apparently never paid her debts (and incurred new ones) from the divorce. She never paid me, our friend's, or other regular creditors. Even after all these years I still get swamped with collection calls on her. So take heed. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 She'd be an idiot to not agree. Alternatively, just shut it off and cancel the contract. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 deleted duplicate posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 If I cancel it I may have to pay for a hefty cancellation fee.. let's see what I can do. This would REALLY piss her off.. haha awesome, should have done this a long time ago. Also... a fun tidbit, she was able to get a credit card with a small limit, something like $1,500 and she has already maxed it out.. smart gal. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 Allowing it to be transferred into her name only seems like the most direct approach. Perhaps try to stall just a little bit until you speak to an attorney and begin closing off your financial risks. Remember how difficult it can be to collect a debt. Getting a judgment is not usually difficult when there is proper documentation. Collecting on that judgment can sometimes be nearly impossible. Better to do everything to prevent her from being able to run up any bills. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted December 3, 2010 Author Share Posted December 3, 2010 I will do my best to clamp down on this wingnut. Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted December 3, 2010 Share Posted December 3, 2010 smart gal. She left a good husband. That qualifies her as an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
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