How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Eye of Hourus]

Speaking of private investigators... should I hire one to snap some photos/video of them together? I may need some concrete proof of her extra marital relationship.

 

 

Surfer,

 

I don't think that will be necessary, you can establish cohabitation fairly easily.

I believe the legal "test" is what would a reasonable person think when presented with the evidence spouse lives at xxx avenue NY apartment xx and Mr.xx also lives at xxx avenue NY apartment xx . Then do the math, number of bedrooms divided by number of occupants = ?

 

Hell you can even threaten to subpoena and depose the OM (it can be expensive) but it can be a useful ambit or perhaps your spouse will fess up.

 

On the other side of the coin it may just be quicker and easier to mediate your divorce (no fault) best to discuss this with your Lawyer.

 

The Eye

 

"The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck." - Louis Hector Berlioz

[Darth Vader]

Darth,

Good point. The thought of him living there makes me crazy, but I know he's already been over there "christening" the house after the kids have gone to bed. Plus, I know how sexually repressed she is, so I'm pretty sure they're sticking to the bed...

We're going through mediation instead of using lawyers to save money and try to keep things "fair" but this seems to be a bit much.

Just talked to the mediator and she told me that I could look at is as her buying the supplies for me to fix up the bathroom which I was planning to do anyway, it's just that I have to move that forward on the "schedule" and deal with the fact that he and his kids will be using it until I get in.

Still, hard to swallow...I understand she wants to "practice" living with him and doesn't want to get a rental house because she's afraid she won't be able to keep up the charade long enough to convince him to buy a place with her if she has to move her schedule out 6-12 months by signing a rental lease...

 

 

Is the house a definate as far as it's gonna be yours? I got a bad feeling that she's gonna try to screw you over in some way, I hope I'm wrong!

[Eye of Hourus]

Don't do it! It's not your job to accommadate(sp) him!

 

I agree with Darth..... If he moves in how about making him pay a prohibitively high rent plus a wacking great security deposit!!!

 

The Eye

 

"The luck of having talent is not enough; one must also have a talent for luck." - Louis Hector Berlioz

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

If you can avoid seeing them together do so. It can be devastating.

 

As to her knocking on your door and wanting to come home and fix things, pray that that never happens. That happened to me and it was emotionally worse than catching her with him. It just rips you down the middle. A part of you wants to end the pain by taking you back in your arms, but the logical half of you realizes that that is the source of your pain. Do you want to live with that?

 

In order to survive I had to power up my anger and hatred toward the XW, and this had an adverse affect in that I let it flow over into all women and I let it turn into not trusting any women.

 

To start a relationship with some one new you start at zero and work up, To try again with the STBXW you start below zero and have to work your way up to zero.

 

As for the date, great. As you stated keep it simple and just hang out and do things. But it does do wonders for you manhood to discover that you can still attract some one from the opposite sex.

[Surfer203]

The Eye: Thanks for speaking to me about my situation in MY THREAD! Kidding of course.. I don't mind others discussing situations that tie in.

[slowbutSURE]

Darth, I did not laugh in front of her but I have laughing ever since I heard her attorney use those words. My little war is far from over but it does seem like the tables have swung to the "Good" side for a change. So far.

Surfer, we are all wanting you to proceed with caution and I need to remind myself of the same advice occasionally. Its easy to get cocky and over confidant. I have been pretty careful so far and hope it stays that way. Emotions can push you to do things you regret later, but ours mistakes would be, saying too much etc.

Even tempered, straight ahead and stay out of the traps. Just this weekend she tried luring me into an argument and almost bit on it. Stopped told her it doesn't work anymore and walked away.

[Surfer203]

Smart of you to walk away from the argument. I won't even entertain the idea of an argument with my wife now. It does not solve anything.. she is so set in her ways.. there is no winning with her and that has always been the case.

[Darth Vader]

Smart of you to walk away from the argument. I won't even entertain the idea of an argument with my wife now. It does not solve anything.. she is so set in her ways.. there is no winning with her and that has always been the case.

 

 

Agreed, she's still trying to see if she can get to you. She's trying to find something on you to use against you, her back is against the wall, and she doesn't like it, so she'll do anything she can to find something on you now. Remember this for later Surfer, when the Nukes start flying, and they will, your STBX-HEX will do ANYTHING and I do mean ANYTHING to get back at you to try to hurt you for hurting her, i know, it don't make any sense, although she hurt you first, in her twisted mind, you hurt her first!

 

Your STBX probably not only can't, but won't see the hurt she's caused you and her family.

[Surfer203]

Darth: Yeah.. I completely agree. She is in fog city. Does not realize what she is doing or the possible long term outcomes of her actions. At least I won't have to be there to help her pick up the pieces. She is on her own. I am preparing for a nuclear war. Let's do this!

[Steadfast]

This is sounding very dramatic and vindictive. A sign I suppose, or a stage. Bad as I was hurting, disappointed and angry as I was, I never wanted to crush my ex-wife. In my case, children were involved and I knew bringing her pain would bring them the same. She was openly seeing her OM too.

 

Forgive me if I missed something, but isn't protecting yourself financially (through legal action) and filing for divorce enough to move on? Let me tell you surfer, cheating or not, that same karma can turn around and bite you just as hard. You forget that her actions will naturally bring the burden of wrong doing back to her. Resist the temptation of 'being there to see it'.

 

Never, ever once have I met a happily vindictive person. They don't exist.

[slowbutSURE]

What is the timetable for meeting with your attorney? Like said before, try to organize financial stuff before you meet with them.

House payment, value, payoff.

Car payment/s, value (kbb.com), payoff.

Credit cards.

Student loans.

Saving account balances.

Checking account balances.

Retirement accounts.

Stocks.

You get the idea. The more you can easily provide the easier for them to put together a picture. The easier for them, the cheaper for you.

 

Successful wars require lots of detailed planning.

[Surfer203]

I think I am just talking a big game right now to make myself feel stronger. It is kind of working. I don't know how far I will really push this. I will make sure to be prepared for the meeting with the attorney.

 

She has not tried to contact me again however, she is put a song as her Status message on Blackberry.. the lyrics are dealing with a break up of some sort.. I don't really understand the lyrics but I think she is posting that so I will read it. Not sure what her goal is there, but I don't give a s***.

[slowbutSURE]

Steadfast, point well taken and you are correct about being vindictive. Karma would seem to be a two way street.

Surfer, protect your ASSets, pun intended, and moving positively forward will be the sweetest reward. Vengeful thoughts entered my mind as well and then they went out the other side. You did not have the affair, she did. Moving on without her, standing tall and proud on the other side will be great satisfaction.

People suggested to me to have a,"Revenge affair". My immediate response? "Why the F would I do that? Then my girls have TWO idiots for parents"

Puff up and feel good because when you do the Right thing you have no regrets!

[Surfer203]

I know what you are saying... I will play it cool for now. Let's see where this crazy train goes.

 

In terms of another relationship.. yeah you know what.. I am not ready for it. I am not even really having sexual thoughts anymore, been depressed and hurt.. so it is kind of last on my list right now. One day it shall return.

[Ballerfamily]

People suggested to me to have a,"Revenge affair". My immediate response? "Why the F would I do that? Then my girls have TWO idiots for parents"

Puff up and feel good because when you do the Right thing you have no regrets!

 

Spot on. Nothing made this hit home more then when my son told me basically the same, " dad, you are better then that. I am proud of you"

 

That made me think alot. We are so hurt and angry and want them to suffer like us. They will, through the natural cause of things. If we could just get there. It is very ovious to me who went through counseling and who hasn't. Me being one that hasn't yet.

[Surfer203]

You need to get to counseling. I have been in it since this situation started. My wife has yet to see a therapist.. she needs it BAD. It has helped me immensly and I think anyone going through something like this needs professional help to get through.

[Ballerfamily]

I am actually getting to the point where I feel sorry and bad for her. The stigma of a cheater, her character, her integrity, all destroyed.

 

The other night, my 19 yr old son coached his first basketball game. (I coached for 20 years) He was on one end of bench coaching, and my youngest 8 yr old son was sitting on the other end as the ball boy. I was sitting behind the bench, keeping stats. I looked up in the stands, and there sat the ex. The look of sadness in her eyes made me want to go give her a hug. Are boys and sports were some of the best times of are lives. And she threw that total happiness aways.

 

As for me later, I slept with a smile and peace in my heart for the first time in along time. Seeing the happiness on my boys faces after everything they have been through, I will never forget.

[Surfer203]

Balleryfamily: That must have been a bit weird.. and sad. A great feeling though to know you boys are getting through this! It will take time but we will all heal.

 

I know how you feel though about being sad for your spouse. I feel extremely sad for where her life is heading, what she has done and what her future may hold.

 

Well.. at least WE are not to blame and we can move forward knowing that we gave it our best shot. Heads are held high.

[Ballerfamily]

Balleryfamily: That must have been a bit weird.. and sad. A great feeling though to know you boys are getting through this! It will take time but we will all heal.

 

I know how you feel though about being sad for your spouse. I feel extremely sad for where her life is heading, what she has done and what her future may hold.

 

Well.. at least WE are not to blame and we can move forward knowing that we gave it our best shot. Heads are held high.

 

My sister, who has been my rock since DDay, confuses me on this thought process. She always replies, do not feel sad or bad for your ex. She doesn't feel bad or sad for you. I think my ex is broken, in a bad place. At first I didn't understand her lack of emphany. But then I think, I am not broken, and I should have compassion for a broken woman. But then she always strikes out,when I least expect it, because she doesn't want me to be to happy or content. If cheaters only knew the pain they cause and the fall out. I always considered that for myself in times of weakness.

 

 

The selfishness of the act is just unbielievable, and when cheaters get on LS and defend there actions, it makes me so angry. But you have to look at them as people with serious issues. And I am personally tired of that baggage and being co-dependent on there actions. Like Kid Rock sings: (I was born free.) And damn it, I shall be free.

 

One OW that amuses me is Jennie/Jennie. She is so arrogant, acts so haughty, always on LS, and strikes out at BS's more then anyone. Broken, and miserable, and willing to take the scraps of a cheating MM. I feel sorry for her actually. You can see so easily through her fascade

Edited December 7, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[Surfer203]

Ballerfamily: I know what you are saying. My wife has been relatively nice to me through out this, but there are times when she has blown up and shown her true colors. No matter has nice she acts, she did a horrible thing and I am sure she is only being nice to make HERSELF feel better. Whether she truly has remorse for her actions, I do not know. More mind games I guess? Or tricking herself.

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer, glass half empty perspective but I have seen this before.

MIND GAMES. She thinks her carrot dangling is still working, kind of. You have thrown her a curve ball with your lack of responses. But she still thinks her cake eating is going to continue. She blows up a little when she lets her guard down.

When the papers get served, cell phone cut off and the rest of the snowball starts to steamroll over the top of her, THEN you will see her true colors!

Remorse? I will repeat myself. If she had true remorse she would be begging, pleading and apologizing at your front door, and all of her belongings with her.

I read on the net, might have been on LS, the difference between regret/guilt vs. remorse. Fit my situation to the letter and I bet you will see the similarities too. I will try to find it and share it.

[Surfer203]

slowbutSURE: I agree with you.. if she was truly remorseful she would be back at my doorstep. This NC thing is going pretty well.. last time we spoke was LAST Wednesday, so almost a week now! It hurts to be honest but I know it is necessary to heal. I am waiting to see her true colors once divorce stuff gets rolling.. should be interesting.

[Ballerfamily]

Ballerfamily: I know what you are saying. My wife has been relatively nice to me through out this, but there are times when she has blown up and shown her true colors. No matter has nice she acts, she did a horrible thing and I am sure she is only being nice to make HERSELF feel better. Whether she truly has remorse for her actions, I do not know. More mind games I guess? Or tricking herself.

 

Just a warning, expect her to get alot meaner the stronger you stand. She doesn't think your strong yet. At about 3 months , look for the anger to start kickin, especially her going through the holidays. Instead of going to the family get togethers and having total cheer, the looks and questions will make her defensive mechanisms kick in.

 

Do yourself a big favor, and politely refuse to talk to relatives about it, especially on her side. She will view this as, irreperable. Facing your side of the family again will not be worth the shame later on. You can have your say later. Big mistake on my part. But I did it to blow up the affair, which I did for the time being.

Edited December 7, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[Surfer203]

Balleryfamily: Yeah.. I expect her to come harder soon.. she has been mild for the most part up untill now. I agree though, Holiday time is going to be hard for her, she is now in the city with NO family, no real close friends sharing the holiday with her. Normally we went up to Canada to see her folks for a week at Xmas time, this year she won't be going home. This year she will be alone with her OM and I am sure it will be pretty empty for her no matter how much "fun" she is claiming to have. I on he other hand will have the pleasure of spending time with my loved ones and enjoying good food this holiday season. Good support and love is what will get me through it, I'm not sure what will get her through it.. oh yeah.. riding this guys d*** all night.. GOOD FOR HER. Here comes the anger again.

[slowbutSURE]

Makes sense to me, check it out Surfer and see if this doesn't clear up any doubt you have as to her "remorse"

 

 

• Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.

• A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions). Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.

• Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.

• Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.

• Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.

• Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".

• Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".

• Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.

• Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.

• Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.

• Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.

• Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.

• Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.

• Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.

• Guilt leads to self hatred.

• Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.

• Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused.