How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[lkjh]

You're absolutely right! I just think that the divorce rate is increasing at an incredible level because people don't understand committment. I completely agree that we should all stand up for what is right, but we should all understand the importance of forgiveness and faith in positive thinking. Without that, we are all hardened and unable to enjoy our lives to the fullest. For better or worse....

 

 

 

Cheating proves the person does not understand commitment. Better or for worse means downtimes not your spouse can bang whoever and you have to take them back.

[lkjh]

Surfer,

Im sorry if my post come off as harsh but I dont think it has sunk in that your wife left you for some douche she barely knows. I also don't think you realize that there is a big possibility that the only reason she is back is either A) he dumped her or B) she couldn't afford to do anything but come back

 

 

Im sorry it just really bothers me when grown men act like little pushovers

[Steadfast]

You're absolutely right! I just think that the divorce rate is increasing at an incredible level because people don't understand committment. I completely agree that we should all stand up for what is right, but we should all understand the importance of forgiveness and faith in positive thinking. Without that, we are all hardened and unable to enjoy our lives to the fullest. For better or worse....

 

Read your bible. Christ himself reserved divorce for adultery, an action that in God's eyes negates the marriage vows. 'For better or for worse' is not biblical, but 'forsaking all others' is. It all encourages faithful partners.

 

The key to reducing the divorce rate is not understanding. All cheaters 'understand' the concept of commitment, they simply ignore it. This person's wife did. She did not and is not displaying love for him, but rather for herself. He is not helping by allowing her back into his home. Both of them are stacking mistakes one on another.

 

This is not a pro divorce stand. It is an anti-divorce stand. Broken marriages are not healed with forgiveness, they are healed with love.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Steadfast

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

Congrats, if this is what you want, go for it. It is your life

[karnak]

I can only speak for myself when I say I'm not being negative, but it simply does not work the way the OP described. I'm glad you're religious and prayerful, but for goodness sake you're stereotyping the holy angle! No one (especially Christians) should lay down like sheep. Bad advice friend; rethink your position. Real love stands up and demands what is right.

 

Book author Michelle Langley describes infidelity as a social disease, and I agree. History shows cheating as anything but new, but the practice is growing with more than half of all marriages ending in divorce. The solution won't come overnight but when people stop excusing selfishness, entitlement and cruelty as a mistake (instead of real decisions) that's be a start. Good people tend to come from good parents; two of them. Strong people with integrity that know right from wrong and teach it as a wise choice...not a forced decision with guilt as motivation. Best case scenario.

 

This is, overall, a very good bunch here. No one enjoys failure.

 

You're on of the most reasonable and sensible persons ot this forum, Steadfast. Kudos to you.

 

And it's interesting... the first time I read Langley's work I thought most of her conceptions were flawed. Time is proving her right. Despite the emphasis she puts on neurological factors (hormones and stuff) she clearly states that society and the flawed values it imposes on people are most to blame.

 

Some people clearly are not meant for marriage and family life. They should instead become monks, nuns or porn actors.

[trippi1432]

Surfer - Wish you the best of luck, I really do. My best advice to you is to make sure you aren't wearing rose colored glasses in this case. There are plenty of men and women here who have been down that same road you are on right now.

 

I know you are getting a lot of flack on the board for taking her back and letting her move back in so quickly. I can tell you a couple of threads to read where this happened to others....(mine included by letting my exH come home, only for him to leave again).

 

I think that some therapists state that it is easier to work on the marriage if you are both under the same roof rather than apart. Some have other opinions where infidelity or any kind of abuse is involved....but you are right, each situation is different and you are the only one on this forum that really knows her as well as yourself.

 

I reference the rose colored glasses again....right now things are good because she is in a fog and you are elated to finally have her back. As you both move forward in working through this, that is going to lift and hopefully you won't nail each other to a cross in your convictions of what went wrong.

 

I really do wish you the best of luck and hope that you will continue to post regardless of how it turns out.

[2010_Sorry]

I do read the bible. I know that adultery is one of the few "accepted" reasons for divorce in God's eyes. However, I also know that God wants us all to forgive each other, as he has forgiven us for our sins. He also wants to see reconciliation and restored relationships.

 

Yes, I was a cheater, once and never again. I don't necessarily want the "cheater" to come ahead, but if she truly regrets her actions and wants to restore her marriage, then I want them "both" to come ahead. I understand that Surfer needs to take it slow and cautious, but it is wonderful that he is trying!

[cyabye]

Surfer I was with you through out your ride, but I'm getting off now bro-

 

I think you would have done anything to have her back, and I think you more than likley "leaked" the info about the divorce to one of her friends, for it to get back to her-

 

She know understands, that you will allow her to have unprotected sex with some joker she just met, and if it all fails, she can just come home-

She has zero respect for you, and you will continue to be a cuckold- Why would she even suggest remaining cool with toxic friends who encouraged her to cheat on you, and who says it was just him she banged out? Her? She is a conirfmed liar, COME ON SON!

 

Your self esteem has taken a seriuos blow, recover that, along with some blood flow to your gonads, then decide whether or not you want to be bothered, with a wh0re of a wife, who has no problem flaunting, and bragging about her stud lover on FB, I bet you dollars to donuts Ol' Boy put her lowlife, deadbeat a$$ out, and there you were, Captain Save a H0 to the rescue

 

THIS WILL NOT END NICELY BRO-Sorry champ

 

I totally agree! Been there!

 

cya

[Owl]

You know, I've been on this forum for a LONG time...and I just can't believe the sheer vitriol I'm reading here.

 

Surfer is free to make his own choices.

 

Marriages CAN (and I'll be the first to admit not always) recover from infidelity.

 

And the whole "busting out" on 2010_Sorry for posting their viewpoint and trying to discredit their advice because they WERE a cheater is just flat out wrong.

 

Frankly, I'd heartily suggest to Surfer that if he's really wanting support in trying to rebuild his marriage (acknowledging it fully that it's a risk!!!) that he PM me and I can help him get in touch with some good resources.

 

I get that everyone's got an opinion...but damn...

[Ballerfamily]

You're absolutely right! I just think that the divorce rate is increasing at an incredible level because people don't understand committment. I completely agree that we should all stand up for what is right, but we should all understand the importance of forgiveness and faith in positive thinking. Without that, we are all hardened and unable to enjoy our lives to the fullest. For better or worse....

 

If you were my ex, and your words and actions are real, I would take you back. I think your ex is missing out. Mine has messed up more then once, so I wouldnt her.

 

So few cheating spouses come back with remorse like you show. And if you are real, your ex will see that. But he may have moved on and is guarding his heart. Thats what sucks about most cheaters, when they are truly remorseful, its usually to late. Weve moved on. Life is to short to deal with it. Once weve come to the other side, most of us arent going to cross that bridge again with are ex's. Just isnt worth it. Way to much work and effort. If that is what marriage is, phooey with it.

 

Surfer's ex is not ready to be good again. She needs spirtual intervention, couseling, reaching rock bottom, ect. You have.

[Ballerfamily]

You know, I've been on this forum for a LONG time...and I just can't believe the sheer vitriol I'm reading here.

 

Surfer is free to make his own choices.

 

Marriages CAN (and I'll be the first to admit not always) recover from infidelity.

 

And the whole "busting out" on 2010_Sorry for posting their viewpoint and trying to discredit their advice because they WERE a cheater is just flat out wrong.

 

Frankly, I'd heartily suggest to Surfer that if he's really wanting support in trying to rebuild his marriage (acknowledging it fully that it's a risk!!!) that he PM me and I can help him get in touch with some good resources.

 

I get that everyone's got an opinion...but damn...

 

I think alot of us are pissed, because he took alot of time here to learn and get advice, and he played her to come back. She most definetely heard he was planning on filing, and he told one of her friends he may move.

 

He is in for a world of agony. She is not ready. Her running right home to him, shows how messed up she is. And most likely if he would dig a little harder, she has prolly stepped out on him before. These kind of women do not change over night.

And yup, after everything I went through, I want to constantly check her phone, passwords, etc. Screw that.

[Ballerfamily]

And I wonder how she would take it if she read his comments in these threads. He wasnt exactly nice. Of course he deserves that anger. But he needs to process it. With her there, it wont happen. Sorry. Owl, your 1%. You are wise and a good person. You were lucky.(maybe hanging out in the OM/OW forum to much, andyour getting soft, haha) I would doubt your circumstances were quite the same as OP. His was a pure whore, slut in her actions.

 

Im out, but will be watching.

Edited December 14, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[Surfer203]

Why do I even log in here if I am just going to get beaten down? Thanks for any who is giving some positive support.

[Ballerfamily]

And Surfer, is feeling good that he got her to come home. He played her, and she fell for it. Now he plans on it failing. Good grief.

 

At one time that was my plan. Then when I had time to get my emotions half way in check, I thought OMG, what if she comes back. Yuckkkkkkk.

Then I thought, come back. And then I will have the upper hand, and on and on. YUCKKKKKKKKKK

[JamieA]

And I wonder how she would take it if she read his comments in these threads. He wasnt exactly nice. Of course he deserves that anger. But he needs to process it. With her there, it wont happen. Sorry. Owl, your 1%. You are wise and a good person. You were lucky.(maybe hanging out in the OM/OW forum to much, andyour getting soft, haha) I would doubt your circumstances were quite the same as OP. His was a pure whore, slut in her actions.

 

Im out, but will be watching.

 

No $hit! Owl's wife never even met the OM face to face! He has no idea what it's like if the W left and banged the OM!

 

Totally different. IMO!

[Ballerfamily]

Why do I even log in here if I am just going to get beaten down? Thanks for any who is giving some positive support.

 

Good Luck dude. I pray you come out ok. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to go through this. I was just like you. I see it all different now.

 

No more from me. Just keep us posted. And I will be here if it fails. And I won't tell you I told you so. I will be here to help.

 

God Bless Ya

[Surfer203]

Ballerfamily: Thanks - you have been very helpful through out this situation. I hope I won't have to come back with bad news but I know it is verypossible.

 

Also, What_Next, SteadFast, iheartboobs, Pegnosepete, 2010Sorry, - all of you have given me solid advice. Sorry if I forgot anyone - I took every single comment in and did what I thought was best. I am following my heart while still using my brain - keeping my defenses up, not taking any s***. Wish me well.

 

What_Next: I don't know how to PM - I looked and couldn't figure it out - would still like to talk though.

 

Owl: I will PM you if I can figure it out - any help?

[Ms. Red]

Ballerfamily: Thanks - you have been very helpful through out this situation. I hope I won't have to come back with bad news but I know it is verypossible.

 

Also, What_Next, SteadFast, iheartboobs, Pegnosepete, 2010Sorry, - all of you have given me solid advice. Sorry if I forgot anyone - I took every single comment in and did what I thought was best. I am following my heart while still using my brain - keeping my defenses up, not taking any s***. Wish me well.

 

What_Next: I don't know how to PM - I looked and couldn't figure it out - would still like to talk though.

 

Owl: I will PM you if I can figure it out - any help?

 

 

 

You have to have over 50 posts and be here over 30 days to get PM's. Then you have to enable them when you hit the 30 days.

 

I wish you well. I've been reading from the beginning. I hope you can beat the odds. [[[HUGS]]]

[Owl]

No $hit! Owl's wife never even met the OM face to face! He has no idea what it's like if the W left and banged the OM!

 

Totally different. IMO!

 

You're right.

 

But the dynamics are the same.

 

The steps to recover a marriage are the same.

 

And if you think that dealing with the aftermath of an emotional affair is simple, easy, or something "less" than trying to deal with a physical affair...you're wrong.

 

If you want to try to discredit my advice based on my experiences...go for it. Good luck with that. I'll let my posts speak for themselves.

[lkjh]

You know, I've been on this forum for a LONG time...and I just can't believe the sheer vitriol I'm reading here.

 

Surfer is free to make his own choices.

 

Marriages CAN (and I'll be the first to admit not always) recover from infidelity.

 

And the whole "busting out" on 2010_Sorry for posting their viewpoint and trying to discredit their advice because they WERE a cheater is just flat out wrong.

 

Frankly, I'd heartily suggest to Surfer that if he's really wanting support in trying to rebuild his marriage (acknowledging it fully that it's a risk!!!) that he PM me and I can help him get in touch with some good resources.

 

I get that everyone's got an opinion...but damn...

 

 

 

Owl usually I agree with a lot of things you say but not today. Most people that are getting on him realize that he is willing to let his wife walk all over him and he is putting himself at a major disadvantage. If it doesn't work out this time she can claim their home. We also realize that she was broke and he will now be supporting her. We don't want to beat him up but instead make him man up and see if she is willing to actually work for him.

 

 

Also, yes I discredit 2010's advice because she is a cheater. At first I could not believe that someone would automatically assume that Surfers wife came back for all of the right reasons and the worst part is behind them. Until I learned that she herself cheated. Everyone knew from the get go that Surfers wife and the OM would not work out and she would try to come back. Its basic survival. She needs a home, money to live , and someone to lean on. What we are trying to do is make Surfer realize that this is just a pattern of her behavior.

 

 

From day 1 he has been over optimistic about his wife. He let her move out thinking she wouldn't move in with the OM and she did. Then he begged her to go back to her parents to get advice thinking her parents could sway her back to him. He did this knowing that she was not committed to their marriage and living with the OM. Next he said if she doesn't come back with a decision it will be over. Well she came back "undecided" and living with the OM.

 

He finally did something right and ignored her. She saw this as him finally acting like a man and now he has undone all of this by jumping at the first opportunity to get her back with zero consequences

 

 

When you go fishing you don't jerk your line at the first nibble.

 

 

Also, correct me if Im wrong Owl but didn't you say in one of your original post that if your wife left to go see the OM it would have been the end of your marriage? I could be wrong but I thought I read that in one of your post

[lkjh]

Why do I even log in here if I am just going to get beaten down? Thanks for any who is giving some positive support.

 

 

 

Don't be like that. Nobody is beating you down. That comment sounds like someone who just wants people to tell him "it will all work out and you won't have to make any hard decisions". You need to look carefully at the advice that doesn't agree with your actions

[What_Next]

Surfer, in the top right hand corner of your web browser there is an area that says "Welcome, Surfer203", below that is a link to private messages. That is where you would send me a private message. Please do so we can exchange email addresses or telephone numbers.

 

surfer i received many of the same type of messages after I decided to attempt a reconciliation. I'll say though if Donewrong had of come in any way close to what your wife did there'd be no way in h___ I'd EVER take her back, but you are your own man.

 

Read through what you perceive as attacks and keep posting. Trust me, it WILL help eventually.

[Owl]

Owl usually I agree with a lot of things you say but not today. Most people that are getting on him realize that he is willing to let his wife walk all over him and he is putting himself at a major disadvantage. If it doesn't work out this time she can claim their home. We also realize that she was broke and he will now be supporting her. We don't want to beat him up but instead make him man up and see if she is willing to actually work for him.

 

You can't make someone "man up and see" by calling him names or trying to make him feel like a fool for his choices.

 

He recognizes he's taking a risk...and choosing to go ahead with that knowledge.

 

Also, yes I discredit 2010's advice because she is a cheater. At first I could not believe that someone would automatically assume that Surfers wife came back for all of the right reasons and the worst part is behind them. Until I learned that she herself cheated. Everyone knew from the get go that Surfers wife and the OM would not work out and she would try to come back. Its basic survival. She needs a home, money to live , and someone to lean on. What we are trying to do is make Surfer realize that this is just a pattern of her behavior.

 

Again...nothing wrong with pointing out that he's taking a risk. And I think that point was made pretty well.

 

As far as 2010's advice...she said NOTHING wrong. And I've seen enough of the side-saddle attempts at discrediting people's advice over on the OW/OM forum against BS's that frankly I don't care for it no matter WHERE it comes from.

 

That would be the same as trying to discredit everyone's advice here because they DIDN'T reconcile their marriages...which would be just horse manure. They raise valid points...even if I don't agree with them.

 

From day 1 he has been over optimistic about his wife. He let her move out thinking she wouldn't move in with the OM and she did. Then he begged her to go back to her parents to get advice thinking her parents could sway her back to him. He did this knowing that she was not committed to their marriage and living with the OM. Next he said if she doesn't come back with a decision it will be over. Well she came back "undecided" and living with the OM.

 

He finally did something right and ignored her. She saw this as him finally acting like a man and now he has undone all of this by jumping at the first opportunity to get her back with zero consequences

 

Here's my thought. I don't know what her "motivation" truly is. I don't know if she heard of his plans and is simply trying to minimize the damage he can do....nor do I know if perhaps she truly DID realize what an idiot she was being. Surfer is the one who has to figure that out...we can't possibly see enough from here to make that distinction.

 

When you go fishing you don't jerk your line at the first nibble.

 

 

Also, correct me if Im wrong Owl but didn't you say in one of your original post that if your wife left to go see the OM it would have been the end of your marriage? I could be wrong but I thought I read that in one of your post

 

You're completely right. That was my "deadline" that I wouldn't have gone past.

 

MY CHOICE.

 

Not anyone else's...mine.

 

Just as Surfer is deciding what his own "line in the sand" is with his wife.

 

I've seen tons of marriages on various boards recover from physical infidelity...it's not just marriages where EA's happen that can recover. So I'm not buying that a PA makes it impossible to recover. Heck...in a lot of ways, an EA is harder BECAUSE it was emotional.

 

I'm not saying my situation was tougher...or easier.

[Surfer203]

Thanks all - I can take the abuse, haha I am kidding kind of. I will keep reading and posting no matter what comes at me. I do not want everyone to just cave in and tell me it will all be okay. It is probable that it will not be and that things will go to hell.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Looks like I only joined on November 21st.. I have another week or so until I can PM.

 

Bummer!