How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer!

Think positively about your future! Please!! You and your wife, if you BOTH want it to work will need to go into this with the right attitude. Guarded caution is one thing, pessimism is another.

I gave my wife, NUMEROUS chances and it didn't work. That's my deal. I still wish things would have been different and she put forth 100% in both attitude and actions. She didn't and its over.

You are giving your wife a second chance and you won't regret it. If it works out, wonderful, proceed with your life knowing you made the right decision.

If it doesn't work out, it sucks but proceed with your life knowing you gave it your all!

Keep posting. Keep us up to speed with your marriage counseling and its progress.

Give it your all and have no regrets!

[lkjh]

You can't make someone "man up and see" by calling him names or trying to make him feel like a fool for his choices.

 

He recognizes he's taking a risk...and choosing to go ahead with that knowledge.

 

 

 

Again...nothing wrong with pointing out that he's taking a risk. And I think that point was made pretty well.

 

As far as 2010's advice...she said NOTHING wrong. And I've seen enough of the side-saddle attempts at discrediting people's advice over on the OW/OM forum against BS's that frankly I don't care for it no matter WHERE it comes from.

 

That would be the same as trying to discredit everyone's advice here because they DIDN'T reconcile their marriages...which would be just horse manure. They raise valid points...even if I don't agree with them.

 

 

 

Here's my thought. I don't know what her "motivation" truly is. I don't know if she heard of his plans and is simply trying to minimize the damage he can do....nor do I know if perhaps she truly DID realize what an idiot she was being. Surfer is the one who has to figure that out...we can't possibly see enough from here to make that distinction.

 

 

 

You're completely right. That was my "deadline" that I wouldn't have gone past.

 

MY CHOICE.

 

Not anyone else's...mine.

 

Just as Surfer is deciding what his own "line in the sand" is with his wife.

 

I've seen tons of marriages on various boards recover from physical infidelity...it's not just marriages where EA's happen that can recover. So I'm not buying that a PA makes it impossible to recover. Heck...in a lot of ways, an EA is harder BECAUSE it was emotional.

 

I'm not saying my situation was tougher...or easier.

 

 

 

First bolded section: Once again I disagree. If we came on here completely bashing him you would have a point. But all we did is say he is acting like an idiot. People are tougher than you give them credit.

 

 

Second bolded section: I still disagree. He says he realizes he is taking a risk but I don't think he gets it. He is acting like someone who only sees the positive outcome not the negatives. People often claim they know the negative outcomes of their actions but are completely blindsided by them when they occur. Saying and truly knowing are two completely different things

 

 

 

Third Bolded Point: She came out and said she shocked by everyone trying to force him into taking the harden approach and she is trying to paint some rosey picture of his wife that is flat out not true. Nobody attacked her, we just said flat out to be careful about her advice because she is coming from the perspective of his wife not him. And there is nothing wrong about warning people about others advice

 

 

Fourth bolded section: First off when you give people advice you give them advice based off the most likely scenario and the safest. Using his wifes actions; running off with a man she met in a night club, trying to live a party life, disregarding everyone else in her life for a few selfish moments, and finally running out of money and coming home gives you enough to base your advice on.

 

I never said that he needs to divorce her immediately. I said that he should make her work for him. And that he is making a mistake by letting her off so easily. Those are two completely different things

 

 

fifth bolded section: I have never seen a marriage that completely survives. I have seen people continue with their life but it is never forgotten. If it was the people wouldn't still be posting on forums searching for answers to their pain. Also, he may get past this enough to live but if he continues with his passive behavior she will walk all over him and 30 years down the road he will hate himself.

 

 

plus for every marriage that supposedly gets past cheating 50 dont

[Owl]

IKJH, I guess we're just going to have to disagree. There's a lot in both of our posts that we can't agree on, and our experiences and observations are apparently polar opposites from each other.

[carhill]

OP, my suggestion:

 

Take what you've gathered up, make a short-term decision on how to proceed and then exercise it. Push away from LS and proceed during this holiday season to make day-to-day decisions based upon your plan of action. Update again after the holidays.

 

That would be my 'stay sane' plan. Good luck

[LifesontheUp]

Surfer, I was married 14 yrs, together 18 yrs when my husband had an affair. I packed his bags because he wouldn't cease contact with his OW. Within a fortnight he was begging to come back but I didn't let him back in the house, I wanted to date and see how things went. You see I was very very cautious about his motivation. I told him under no uncertain terms that I wanted him to work and prove to me that he was worthy of my giving him a 2nd chance.

 

We dated for nigh on 6 months, but I'll tell you something straight up, he didn't change, he didn't work on the marriage, just expected that I would take him back in time In the end I got so fed up I divorced him.

 

What I'm trying to get across is that you should be very wary of why your wife has come back Surfer. You need to set clear boundaries and she needs to know without a doubt that she needs to work her a$$ off to win you back after all that SHE has done. You also need to get to the bottom of why she had her affair and why she went to the OM.

[Owl]

Surfer, I was married 14 yrs, together 18 yrs when my husband had an affair. I packed his bags because he wouldn't cease contact with his OW. Within a fortnight he was begging to come back but I didn't let him back in the house, I wanted to date and see how things went. You see I was very very cautious about his motivation. I told him under no uncertain terms that I wanted him to work and prove to me that he was worthy of my giving him a 2nd chance.

 

We dated for nigh on 6 months, but I'll tell you something straight up, he didn't change, he didn't work on the marriage, just expected that I would take him back in time In the end I got so fed up I divorced him.

 

What I'm trying to get across is that you should be very wary of why your wife has come back Surfer. You need to set clear boundaries and she needs to know without a doubt that she needs to work her a$$ off to win you back after all that SHE has done. You also need to get to the bottom of why she had her affair and why she went to the OM.

 

Excellent post, and I completely agree with the advice in the last paragraph...and I'd add that you need to make sure that she understands that if she's not willing to do this work...there's no requirement for her to stay, in fact, she'll be EXPECTED to leave immediately.

 

She needs to take responsibility for her actions, and ownership of repairing the damage done by them.

[Surfer203]

Thanks Slowbutsure and everyone else who has voiced their opinion. I truly appreciate it.

[sumdude]

Surfer, I was married 14 yrs, together 18 yrs when my husband had an affair. I packed his bags because he wouldn't cease contact with his OW. Within a fortnight he was begging to come back but I didn't let him back in the house, I wanted to date and see how things went. You see I was very very cautious about his motivation. I told him under no uncertain terms that I wanted him to work and prove to me that he was worthy of my giving him a 2nd chance.

 

We dated for nigh on 6 months, but I'll tell you something straight up, he didn't change, he didn't work on the marriage, just expected that I would take him back in time In the end I got so fed up I divorced him.

 

What I'm trying to get across is that you should be very wary of why your wife has come back Surfer. You need to set clear boundaries and she needs to know without a doubt that she needs to work her a$$ off to win you back after all that SHE has done. You also need to get to the bottom of why she had her affair and why she went to the OM.

 

Now we've got some calm, cool, collected wisdom here and a good plan.

 

LISTEN!

[Darth Vader]

Thanks all.. I will not allow us to go back to the place we were in. I know a lot has changed and she knows it too. If things don't work out then fine. But, both she and I want to be together presently. So, let's see where it goes. She can't really hurt me more than she already has emotionally. That was huge and I persevered. I will make it out on the other side - a woman will not determine where my life is going and how happy I can be. I won't allow it - if it comes to that she can kiss it goodbye. Thanks again - you are all good hearted people except for Darth who clearly has been forever tainted by the dark side. Off to therapy now.. lots to talk about tonight!

 

 

Flattery will get you Nowhere!

[dk.bnz.chi]

good luck my friend, the best wishes go out to you

 

Darth is forever tainted by whatever he's smoking and doesn't wanna share:)

[Darth Vader]

You know, looking back on this last weekend, with LS being down and surfers wife just happening to show up at their house, it makes me think. Timing is everything!

 

Me thinks someone got to his wife and told her something about Surfer and what he was about to do! I've said it before, but something doesn't smell right to me, I can feel it! I think Surfer's wife has something Nafarious planned. Maybe it's just me.

[FreeNow]

Surfer...

 

I guess what motivates me to post now is what experience has shown me is most likely in the long term. You are two adults but if, or when, children come along; that will be a different story altogether.

 

Please don't have children with your wife. The fact that she chose to step out of the marriage in the way that she did highlights a huge, gaping, freaking hole in her personality somewhere.

 

What I don't think you realize is that the problems aren't necessarily in the next week or coming months. This is an issue within her that will lay dormant until whatever circumstances in her own mind present again. There is no predicting when only that it is most likely to happen.

 

Choose to be the consolation prize for your wife; your choice, I respect that. However, years from now when it involves one or more children, you will have been fully informed about what was likely to happen. At that point, you won't be blameless... you knew in advance.

 

So, I've done my part to pass on a serious warning. I honestly wish you all the best Surfer.

[Surfer203]

Darth: Hahah - honestly. NO ONE knew about this divorce except for my parents and brothers and none of them had communicated with he, so she had no clue. So you are wrong there.

 

However, I am being careful. We had a issue last night, it turns out I am the one who over reacted and I am the one who created the problem. It was an issue where she asked my opinion on her hanging out with a girfriend of hers. At first I freaked out and did not want her to go. But she had existing plans, blah blah blah. She told me she wouldn't go if it would make me upset. She also said she will not speak to any of the friends she made while in NYC if I don't want her to. I have not really decided on that yet. I have decided on NC with the OM EVER AGAIN and she agreed to that - he has not even tried to contact her since the night after she left.

 

So.. I think she is on the right track mentally. She did not raise her voice, yell at me or demand to get her way. Which to me is progress. We have a couples therapy tonight, so time to start fleshing things out.

[Surfer203]

Freenow: The idea of children scares me now. Before it was all I wanted out of life, to have a family and to raise kids with my wife. She felt the same way and still does apparently. Although we discussed that if we have children it will not be for a very long time - lots to work on first.

 

During our drive home - she apologized for 1.5 hours and spilled her guts. She said "I want to have a family with you". Man, it was so painful when she left, crushed my dreams to hear her say that was nice. Still - I am being careful and will go SUPER slow.

[debtman]

Surfer203,

Haven't been on here since last week...how things do change...

Best of luck to you. I hope everything works out...don't forget...don't let the relationship come to this again...if you have any choices as far as that goes...and, MOST importantly, LISTEN to FreeNow...

Kids make the break-up SOOO difficult and painful. They put a huge strain on the relationship (but they also bind you together in many ways, emotionally and for the rest of your lives).

Come back and read your old posts every so often. Examine the relationship to see if she's REALLY addressed her personality issues that caused her to go looking for something "new" and exciting...

Be careful...

[Surfer203]

debtman: Thanks pal! I will keep my mind focused, open and honest with myself. I have learned so much, about myself, my wife and life in general.

[Donewrong]

Good luck in MC tonight surfer!

[PegNosePete]

We had a issue last night, it turns out I am the one who over reacted and I am the one who created the problem.

Hmm? No, she created the problem by leaving you. Your "freaking out" is simply a natural reaction to her actions. Cause and effect. Your trust in her is non-existent. To allow yourself to be blamed is just being a doormat again. Stand up for yourself man

 

She also said she will not speak to any of the friends she made while in NYC if I don't want her to. I have not really decided on that yet.

You should definitely tell her NO. That entire chapter of her life is over. She will not have anything to do with anything or anyone she met while away from you.

[hopesndreams]

It was an issue where she asked my opinion on her hanging out with a girfriend of hers. At first I freaked out and did not want her to go. But she had existing plans, blah blah blah. She told me she wouldn't go if it would make me upset.

 

Oh, she'll get to go all right, believe it. She is already primping you, yet again, to step aside and let her do whatever she wants, and so soon too after recon. Not good. Not good at all.

[Ms. Red]

It was an issue where she asked my opinion on her hanging out with a girfriend of hers. At first I freaked out and did not want her to go. But she had existing plans, blah blah blah. She told me she wouldn't go if it would make me upset.

 

Oh, she'll get to go all right, believe it. She is already primping you, yet again, to step aside and let her do whatever she wants, and so soon too after recon. Not good. Not good at all.

 

I agree. If the marriage is so important to her, (by words only) then how the hell does she even want to go out because it's "existing plans"? WTF? I mean, it's ok to hurt Surfer but she'll be damned to hurt the friends she made existing plans with.....really....W T F?

 

Surfer,

 

I can't help but feel that you are so relieved to have her back that you will do whatever it takes to keep her there. Like accept the blame for pissing her off? Walk on eggshells so as to not piss her off?

 

I know you love her and wanted her back so bad but please do not let her walk all over you and make you feel any blame at all for what happened.

 

From a woman's point of view, I was cheering for you when you were finally standing up for yourself and ready to take control of your life. But then once you went and gladly picked her up and brought her back home and seemed all happy gleeful and relieved.....I felt sadness for you. I've had many years of experience with men in my life and looking back I can honestly tell you that I admire the ones that stood up to my bull$hit and made it clear they wouldn't take that crap from me. I've had a couple wimps that took my bull$hit and I now look back on them as doormats. If they couldn't stand up to my crap then how could they be my protector and MY MAN?

 

As others have mentioned, I only think she came back because she was booted out by the OM and you are the only option she has at the moment since she's un-employed (facing charges for drawing un-employment) homeless, credit-less, and in debt. You were the only choice she had. And that is just sad!

 

Just my point of view on this. I've read your story from the beginning. I wish you well.

[What_Next]

Surfer, umm WOW! Your wife is really a piece of work. She had existing plans etc? Are you bloody well kidding me? Oh boy, oh boy. The answer is NO! The answer is HELL NO. The answer is if you go anywhere without my knowledge, even to the store you are out on your A$$!

 

That she even mentioned this shows her true intentions my friend. Donewrong has NEVER EVER EVER EVER even mentioned such a thing. If she ever did she and I BOTH know the answer. Now I am NOT going to say be an overbearing a$$h__e, but that is NOT the way things occur now.

 

Her movements need to be kept track of. You need to know where she is, what she is doing, who she is with. Phones, emails, all WIDE open. No secrets, no hiding, she gets little privacy.

 

For instance Donewrong had an activity that involved a sleepover for something she volunteers her time for. This activity involves our child so I 100% know where she was, who was there, and what specifically was going on. She still offered to have me drop her off, have me verify where she was. She did EVERYTHING she could have to make me comfortable with what she was doing. That shows just how far she is willing to go to help our process of recovery. Is your wife willing to do that?

 

As for MC, be prepared!!! Your wife will blameshift, she will make you out to be the bad guy. She will take little respsonibility for her actions. In fact I could tell you about 10 things she will likely say. My advice? Take seperate vehicles to MC. Don't discuss it after the fact right away. You will likely come away fuming mad. I know I did.

 

Good luck, but this is a bad sign Surfer. A bad bad sign.

[controlledchaos]

from another female perspective....

 

asking you about existing plans was not ok. and YOU taking responsibility for having issue with that is NOT OK! that was not your fault or yours to take blame of. she should not even be thinking about herself in that way right now.

 

the fact that she didn't raise her voice or yell, etc. is not necessarily a good thing. she KNOWS what she's doing. if she were to lose it with you she knows that things don't go HER way. for her to get her way she has to be extra sugary sweet with you! that means giving you an impression that you have control over things as well. like " i won't see them again if you don't want me to." she shouldn't even be asking to see them! it shouldn't even be a topic up for discussion. but, she wants you to think you have a choice, but will feel guilty if you don't make the choice she WANTS you to make.

 

as for the man not contacting her. that too is not necessarily a sign of a good thing. more than likely, he has dumped her and kicked her out. no need to contact him or write a letter right? she didn't want to do those things. felt there was no need. he booted her! men who want women usually don't just give up like that. and women who have been dumped don't usually find a need to write a letter for the reason they are leaving.

 

when a person you love, and is supposed to love you, puts the feelings and needs over another person ( whether is be a friend, family member, affair partner) you need to REALLY think about what that means. if one spouse respects the other spouse, do you think they'd put an outside parties feelings and needs over their spouse? would she put her friends' feelings ( the girlfriend she had plans with) over YOUR feelings? or would you be the first priority? we already know she had so little respect for you that she had an affair. don't you think you deserve more respect than them? don't you think you should be higher on the respect totem pole?

 

marriage is so hard. and after being married, the thought of being alone is terrifying! if you wanted a family and then your spouse walks away, that whole dream dies with them. i get that, i do. but don't be so afraid of an uncertain future that you don't see the situation for what it really is. remember this women has already shown you she doesn't respect you more than another man or a female friend. remember that when you don't respect someone it's very easy to make them the scapegoat and to lie to them or about them. remember that tonight sitting in counseling. you don't need to be nasty or mean, just be honest, cautious, and proactive ( not reactive). i too suggest taking 2 cars. cuz UGH!! that drive home is NOT good!!

 

best of luck to you!

[debtman]

controlledchaos has some really good points in there. I know how easy and comforting it must be on the surface level to have this "relationship" back in your life. But, don't forget where you were, what SHE did to you and how "important" you were to her when she was making the decisions she did.

 

Think HARD about this and make SURE she has some MAJOR personality changes. Whether it's part of MC or IC, she needs to address some serious issues. And, mostly, the one piece of advice I want to keep giving over and over...DON'T start a family unless you really think she's changed. Add kids to the mix and an unpleasant situation becomes torturous and makes everything harder.

 

That said, stay positive, CONTINUE to focus on YOURSELF and I hope your wife starts taking on the WORK that this will demand...

[Surfer203]

Thanks all.. I wish you guys could be flies on the wall to really see how things are going. My entries here make it seem worse I think.. Anyway, I do not want her to go, I will tell her not to go.

[Surfer203]

debtman: Thanks.. and thanks to eveyone here. If this blows up in my face it is my own fault for taking her back. I have faith in us though. It may dwindle or go away completely, but for now I am willing to try. She seems to be too. Time to see actions and MC, IC, etc. If not, she is gone. As far as having kids goes, no... not for a LONG time. I will not risk that or put kids through being part of a divorce.