How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[PegNosePete]

Nope, do not respond at all, unless it is "I am coming home to you, can you pick me up from the airport please, I love you".

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: Hmm.. I know I will crack if she messages me or calls me. If I hear those words though man, I will flip. I am truly hoping to hear those words.

 

Either way, her stuff is still at this guys apartment. So, she would have to go back there first.. she claims he won't care if she goes, so let's see how that pans out, haha.

[Surfer203]

And oh yes.. divorce papers will be ready. I am not messing around anymore. Thanks!

[cyabye]

steadfast: I believe that I am getting good advice and I truly appreciate it. I just don't know where to even begin. A lot of people are telling me dump her NOW! While others mostly family and close friends are telling me to keep some hope alive and don't end it quite yet.

 

Man LISTEN UP. I've been in your shoes. Did the same crap you are doing. IT'S POINTLESS! MAN UP! You do not have to dump her! SHE ALREADY DUMPED YOU! Move on. Be a man. Keep some of that dignity GOD gave you. You will be better off and at peace.

 

cya

[2.50 a gallon]

It is your life live it as you must.

 

Prepare yourself.

 

We men tend to think logically, while women are more likely to be ruled by their emotions.

 

"I believe that if she does return she will be fully devoted"

 

The reality is that this is not going to happen. She is in love with the OM, she will be fighting a civil war within herself. Her logic side is going to be repeatedly attacked by her emotions. It is rare that one can switch it off like a light switch. The light bulb for the OM will contiue to burn brightly for months. She will yearn to be with him, she will have to fight if every waking hour. For the both of you it will be a super roller coaster ride. Without a doubt you will have to let her cry on your shoulder about her loss, how she loves him. Her one chance to truly be happy. This will go on for a good year or more.

[Surfer203]

Well.. here are some updates..

 

She arrived up there.. been at her parents, they live in a rural area, so she has not car, or anywhere to go really. So, lots of time to think and she says that it is a good thing.

 

She wished me a Happy Thanksgiving this morning by Text.. I wasn't going to wish her one.. so I was surprised to see her message. She then told me if I wanted to call she would be home all day. So I did call her. It was about 1.5 hours on the phone... she got emotional, said she was going to miss everyone for the holiday, blah blah. She says she is still undecided.. I am feeling that she is leaning towards me, but who knows really. She comes back Monday, I am not going to contact her but told her if she wants to talk to me she is welcome, but I would not be the one calling her.

 

Her parents and friends all want her to come back to me, hopefully they can have some effect on her. I know it is really up to her though. She said, "what if I can't come to a conclusion before I get back" - I told her I am not waiting much longer so within a few days of being back she better have her mind made up or I am walking. She also said she could never 100% say no to me ever.. because of what we had I guess. Weird.

 

Had a great Thanksgiving though, my family took care of me and didn't bring up the situation much at all.. it was casual but a little lonely without her.

 

Wish me luck in the remainder of these days, I have lots of plans with my friends so it should not be too bad!

[2.50 a gallon]

What do you know about the OM, other than he is a model?

 

How old is he?

 

Older or younger than your wife?

 

Has he ever been married?

 

In a previous post I mention the possibility that he has done this before. I did know a guy who did some part time modeling, and he had his choice of women. So I am curious why he chose a married one. Betrayed husbands are not always logical and sometimes turn violent. They have been known to take a ball bat to the OM, this makes me more curious why he would take the chance of somebody rearranging his face and losing his career

[PegNosePete]

She then told me if I wanted to call she would be home all day. So I did call her.

DUDE! NO NO NO!

Stop this sh#t!!!

 

You are going to drive her further and further away with your puppy dog, doormat behaviour. No woman respects a man that she can walk all over. And my friend, she is walking all over you, in stiletto heels, and you are just saying thank you very much please do it again and again and again.

 

Do not have ANY contact with her until she comes back to you begging for your forgiveness!!!!!!!

 

It might seem natural to talk to her and try to "win" her back, but believe me, it has the opposite effect. The best way to get her back is to show strength, and that means taking none of her sh#t.

[hopesndreams]

DUDE! NO NO NO!

Stop this sh#t!!!

 

You are going to drive her further and further away with your puppy dog, doormat behaviour. No woman respects a man that she can walk all over. And my friend, she is walking all over you, in stiletto heels, and you are just saying thank you very much please do it again and again and again.

 

Do not have ANY contact with her until she comes back to you begging for your forgiveness!!!!!!!

 

It might seem natural to talk to her and try to "win" her back, but believe me, it has the opposite effect. The best way to get her back is to show strength, and that means taking none of her sh#t.

 

YES, YES AND YES!

 

If you don't follow this advice...........

 

She comes back to you as a cheater with no remorse. Without remorse, you have NOTHING! She will only do it again because she knows she can get away with it!!! She is having fun at the expense of your broken heart. So cruel. I know, I've been there.

 

She doesn't come back to you and stays with OM. A brand new shiny life for her and and you in the depths of despair, more miserable than ever before. She will still want to be your friend---even after everything she's done. Your self-esteem at this point is non-existent and you will cling to any shred of hope she throws your way.

 

Following this advice puts you in control and it will save your dignity. I know, I know, you are going to give it until Monday BUT she has just told you that there may not be an answer even then! How long will you wait eh? The longer you wait for her, the further away she gets and the more despondent you become.

 

Save yourself the pain and suffering. Deal with all the past hurts and have no more future hurts. It can all be in your control. Grab whatever self-confidence you have left and show her and yourself that you are not a pushover and that you can live your life without her and quite happily.

[Surfer203]

Well.. he is a 32 year old. So he is a bit older than my wife. Not sure on his past, I know he is from Australia and has no problem helping to ruin a marriage. I know the deal, that is the first thing I thought.. this guy can F*** whoever he wants probably. Why would he pick my wife, I mean, she really is beautiful - but this guy can be with tons of single women with no trouble. I totally agree with the baseball bat thing.. haha. Believe me I have thought of it, I have friends who I have not told yet, that if I did, they would be knocking on the guys door ready to break his jaw. I won't go there though.

 

I am going to ignore her until she is back. I told her the decision should come by the end of her trip and if not it HAS to come very soon after. I am getting tired of this s***. I posted some photos of my family at Thanksgivin yesterday on Facebook, just to be a jerk and show her what she is missing. Whether that matters or not or was childish, I don't really care.

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer, I am truly sorry you have been placed in this position but that is the reality of your marriage right now. You have your wife to thank for that!

As hard as it is to accept, PLEASE read very carefully all of the advice people are posting here for you. They are being very honest and objective and giving you excellent advice! It is up to you to follow it. If you do follow it, you will save yourself from a life and marriage of hell! How can I be SO SURE?

I have been here for years, reading the advice and KNOWING it applied to someone else. "Not my marriage". "Not my wife". Guess what? It applied to me too, just could not accept it.

I "accept" it now! I knew it all along. That "gut" feeling, I had it too, just did not want to accept it. 26 years of marriage, was really a life of doubt, and always wondering if she was being "True" to our marriage. She started changing the rules but I allowed her to do that by not, "Manning Up" as has been said so many times on here.

I will be 50 in two weeks and I feel more positive and focused in I don't know how long. I have put my testicles back where they belong and am looking forward to living again!

Only you will know when you have had enough and that will be the right time. You will go forward with no regrets!! My only hope is that you listen more closely than I did and you reach that decision sooner rather than later.

The people here on these boards, "They're right"

[Surfer203]

I know most likely people here are right, that is why I am posting on this board. A big part of me feels she won't come back but there is a good portion there still that thinks she will. I don't know how things will be if she does come back, all I know is I will try MY BEST to make it work. She is another story.. what she claims to do if she comes back would be great, but let's see if it plays out that way. Let's see if I even get that chance.

If she chooses the divorce route, hmmm going to be a living hell for her.

[lkjh]

Dude no offense but you are acting like a little puppy. Your wife dumped you, moved in with the OM that she only knew for a month or so, she flat out says the OM would be ok with her leaving so obviously she has no problem throwing you away for a guy that doesn't care about her. And all you do is chase her. You keeping building up hope that her parents are gonna make her come back to you, but do you really want her on those terms? She shouldn't have to be forced back.

 

 

Even if she did comeback do you really think you could ever get over this? NO, you couldn't. You will be insecure for the rest of your life.

 

 

You are being weak and she can sense that. No woman respects that

[Surfer203]

Hmm.. I know.. that is a good point. She is willing to risk our relationship for a guy who does not even care if things with them work out.. WAKE UP WIFE!

 

It's true.. I am like a puppy dog.. but not really. I have been firm and demanded and answer.. I am trying to be a man here.

 

I just love her so much that I am willing to subject myself to this for the time being. It will not last much longer though.

[GG2W]

Perhaps I can give you the P. O. V. of the OM. I dance with a male troupe. I like the money, I like the attention and I love the married women.

 

There are some men that get off on seducing married women, and I am one of them. Most of my contacts are ONS's simply for the fact that an enraged H scares the hell out of me. One of my associates, does not dance with my troupe was recently put out of service, badly beaten by one unknown.

 

This man is a predator, she is the prey in a game. He gets his kicks pronging them and their wedding ring. He gets off knowing that she is chosing him over you. This makes him feel more manly. He will dump her when you break it off with her and file. The thrill will be gone.

 

She is weak minded and totally disrespecting you. Grow a pair and dump her.

[lkjh]

Hmm.. I know.. that is a good point. She is willing to risk our relationship for a guy who does not even care if things with them work out.. WAKE UP WIFE!

 

It's true.. I am like a puppy dog.. but not really. I have been firm and demanded and answer.. I am trying to be a man here.

 

I just love her so much that I am willing to subject myself to this for the time being. It will not last much longer though.

 

 

Sorry man but you really haven't been. She dumped you, moved in with another man, is banging him, when you asked her not to contact you both in order to make a decision she flat out said no, you are already leaving the door open for her to "stay confused" by saying things like "when she gets back she has to make a decision or at least soon after

 

Look man if you keep up with this she will probably be back but only because her relationship with the OM wont work. Then you will go through a few years of feeling like s*** for being such a pansy through this, next your relationship will break and you will never have closure because you let her control everything. I mean holy crap she is banging another guy and you are begging her to come back.

 

 

Im gonna be I am young and never been through something like this, but from the outside in you seem to be acting very weak

[PegNosePete]

Dude you have been a puppy dog up to this point. But you have to change that, and I think you are doing it now. Just make sure you stick to your guns.

 

Remember it's not just her choice to come back. You have a choice to take her back or not. And if the terms of her return are not satisfactory then you should most definitely not take her back.

 

When she comes back, she will not only be choosing you, she will be 100% devoted to you. It won't be a case of "oh, well yeah I haven't really decided but I suppose I'll stay for now". It will be "I want you back and I'll do anything to make up for what I did, look here is some glass I have broken would you like me to crawl through it on my belly?". Anything less and you need to whip out the divorce papers and mean it. She has used up all of her chances already. If she messes this one up then you really need to call it enough. She has to get it right first time. She has to make the choice on her own, and she has to choose you without coercion or threat of D.

[lkjh]

I don't want to gang up on you but I think you are being guided by 1) false hope, the kind that makes you think everything will go back to the way it was and 2) Your emotions

[Surfer203]

GG2W: I can understand how you are comparin him to a predator. What matters is that my wife does not realize it and there is no convincing her so.. it does not even matter what he is. It's all about her at this point.

 

PegNosePete: I am trying to man up.. I feel a bit weak but I do feel mostly strong. I am going to get through the remainder of this time and that is it. I am going to try to go hardline on this - any p**** footing and I am done.

[lkjh]

let me ask you man, if your plan works and she decided to comeback than what? Are you going to make her work for your relationship? Are there going to be rules? Will she have to be transparent by giving all of her passwords and access to her phone?

[What_Next]

Surfer203, lkjh brings up some VERY VERY important points. "IF" she returns how will you ensure this doesn't happen again? Now you cannot imprison her, but you can safe guard the future.

 

I was there, not where you were, if my wife had of pulled 1/100000 or what yours did I would have thrown her a__ out! Sure mine cheated, there is little doubt of that. I then went off and had a sort of revenge affair. Not smart, but it was what it was. At some point I snapped an realized the ONLY WAY she would wise the heck up was to become dominant and act like a man.

 

Now we BOTH went through hell and we are on the other side, but it was not easy and we've miles to go.

 

OK I am rambling, but when I gave her a second chance there were rules and things to abide by. Break these rules and YOU ARE OUT!

 

In our case, our finances are already seperated and will stay that way. She will carry her own weight financially from now on. Second, our possestions are seperated (we moved into seperate places) and they will stay that way for one year. That way if I see something I don't like or it doesn't work out, I am gone. Like a ghost. Now you might not be able to go to that length, but protect yourself.

 

Now if you are living under the same roof, there needs to be conditions, ZERO, ABSOLUTELY ZERO contact with the OM. If he EVER contacts her she is to pass it to you and you can deal with it. She breaks it off with the OM, with you present. All cell phones must have no passwords, you get to analyze bills whenever you want. All computers will have keyloggers on them. She will tell you when she comes and goes. In other words COMPLETE and utter transparency. Until trust is slowly rebuilt.

 

Even though I talked over most of this with my wife when I took her back it did take her a while to realize the severity of the situation, but she understands that it is this way or no way for a while. She accepts this and we are slowly starting to rebuild.

 

Is your wife capable of this? If not, there is no remorse and you are setting yourself up for a future of insecurity and cheating my friend.

[Steadfast]

I had to stop and remind myself where I was, mentally and emotionally when my ex backed out of the marriage. It was typical; very much the same tone and mindset of our friend surfer here. As previously mentioned, men are natural fixers who tend to apply logic and reason to very tough problems. More often than not, that approach does not work but it is something all of us need to find out for ourselves. The hard way.

 

Sadly, I did not have LS to lean on then, so after weeks and weeks of the same murky, limbo land attitude of my wife and my passive/aggressive responses, I was fortunate (through my network of journalist friends) to get the contact info for Michelle Langley (author of 'Women's Infidelity). Although very busy, Michelle graciously took my call and after listening to my story, gave me the following advice:

 

1) Under any circumstances, do not talk to your wife about the relationship. Keep other matters (kids, finances) brief and to the point.

 

2) Do not tell her you love her. When you do talk, pay very close attention to what she is saying.

 

3) Set up a time table of how long you'll wait. If that time approaches and nothing has changed, take action to remove yourself from the situation.

 

In my case, wife cheated and left in July. I planned on giving her until the first of the year but ditched the plan in November when I discovered she was sleeping with yet another man (not the original affair partner). I filed divorce papers and had her served despite her almost radical insistence that nothing had happened. When she moved, she swore on her mother's grave she would not see other men before giving me an answer. She 'needed space'. After the divorce she confessed to lying about everything.

 

In retrospect, if there were not children involved I would have simply divorced her, moved away and moved on. Naturally, that statement is made by a mind three-years post-event...and hindsight is always 20/20. If I'm honest with myself, I realize that I was very honestly and sincerely doing my level best. I'm glad I waited and I'm glad I stopped waiting when I did. Michelle's advice was very good, and her forecast was accurate.

 

Do your best friend. For most here, being 'right' about cheaters isn't something we take pride in. The words are simply from experience.

[Surfer203]

Well my plan encompasses a lot of what you are suggesting..

 

> Weekly marriage counseling and possibly individual therapy too

> STD/AIDS test (not sure if she has had sex with him but I assume so)

> Complete honesty

> Keylogging on computers

> Not allowed to speak to the OM EVER AGAIN

> Ability to check her phone and email at will

> Clamp down on excessive texting (who knows who she is texting)

 

Other stuff will go down too.. I am sure it is going to be hard work if she comes back. Maybe harder then just moving on but at this point I am willing to do that.

 

Part of me wants to just call her and say "you better come back with an answer, I don't want you seeing him again before you choose".. maybe it will backfire?

[PegNosePete]

Part of me wants to just call her and say "you better come back with an answer, I don't want you seeing him again before you choose".. maybe it will backfire?

What would it gain?

She'll just bullsht you.

Let her actions speak. You've both said enough words.

Just NC til she gets back dude.

[Fufu]

The point now is.......

 

You have to make a decision if you want her or not..

 

NOT her being the decision maker if she wants YOU or HIM.

 

She chooses to cheat and letting her to choose is giving her the CONTROL. You wouldn't want to give her any control anymore.

 

Gain the control, you decide, not her.

 

I agree with PegNosePete to stay NC.

 

Even if she comes back to you, you have to keep asking yourself over and over again can you still really trust her and able to gain 0 doubts? Is she willing to do whatever it takes to gain your trust back and have 100% commitment in this marriage?