How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Darth Vader]

Surfer, the reason I am saying “because they wanted to”, is why does anyone do anything, except maybe in a situation of abuse where people do not make their own choices all the time and you were not abusing her to find someone to save her and she had plenty other choices.

 

I knew when I was no longer going to be faithful in my M I left my M before I started an A, now me and my exH have a decent relationship because of this and he thanks me for respecting him enough to leave first and not putting him through all the pain of infidelity.

 

My point is “if” there is another reason at all, then it is not her fault, ask people on LS, there is no justifiable reason for a spouse to commit adultery, and no it’s not her fault it was her choice.

 

And if she admits this to be true and that is all you want is the truth, then you can move on from there and figure out what brought her to that decision.

 

IMO, I do want your relationship to grow again, but that is really not possible because even though she looks like the person you “were” married to before the A, she no longer is, therefore, you must see her as she really is and decide if you want to start a new relationship with someone you don’t trust not someone you used to trust.

 

IMO, the relationship you had before the A, is over and a new one has to take its place and for a very good reason look how it ended up.

 

Very hard choices and none you would have chosen for yourself except now you have decided to stay and I think you should try if you feel she is still worthy of your love and respect, you owe that to yourself.

 

I wish you the very best of life and I hope you get all you want because if you can recover your M, then you have most defiantly earned it!

 

 

DV, I am in IC, I am very cynical I guess, I am having a very hard time finding any forgiveness for myself.

 

 

Perhaps it may be because you rode some other man before you were Divorced. I'm guessing at that, I admit. But leaving or getting a separation doesn't mean that you're Divorced, you're still married, I don't care how people sugar-coat it!

 

That's harsh, but usually the truth is harsh!

Edited December 19, 2010 by Darth Vader

[2themoon&back]

Perhaps it may be because you rode some other man before you were Divorced. I'm guessing at that, I admit. But leaving or getting a separation doesn't mean that you're Divorced, you're still married, I don't care how people sugar-coat it!

 

That's harsh, but usually the truth is harsh!

 

I am very ok with the harsh truth, because it is the one sure thing!

 

The truth is why I even said anything to Sufer to start with, the truth is his W made a choice and now so has he, no need to know the "why", but the "now what" ?

[Darth Vader]

I am very ok with the harsh truth, because it is the one sure thing!

 

The truth is why I even said anything to Sufer to start with, the truth is his W made a choice and now so has he, no need to know the "why", but the "now what" ?

 

 

Some people need the "why" otherwise they can't get to the "now what". In many cases, like I've said before, it's just to get a little strange. Others attempt to "justify" it, "oh well, the marriage is over anyway", "it ain't over until it's over"!(I think of Zena saying that) There's still a chance things can be worked out in the marriage, perhaps the other person doesn't realize how close the other person is to screw someone else. A lot of the time, the one spouse screws the other person, and the now BS, is hurt by their selfish actions. Of course they didn't know all the information in most cases, however, there may be a little doubt as to whether or not the WS would actually do something like that to them and their children. Yes, I said to their children, because when a spouse cheats, they not only cheat on the spouse, but, they also cheat on their children and hurt them as well. It may not be evident right away, but those children will grow up one day and see how ugly and nasty one parent was to the other parent. Can you imagine someone's child saying years later, "why did you hurt my mother/father"? "I hate you"! That's the price some people pay, don't believe me, read some of the other Threads here at LS.

 

 

The "why" and "now what" may take some time in Surfer's case, because he's just at the beginning of this. Odds are against them, but, he knows it!

Edited December 20, 2010 by Darth Vader

[Darth Vader]

I hope Surfer doesn't mind, not trying to TJ.

 

Anyway to answer a question of what you posted in one of your Threads, in which is 60 days or more old(too old to comment:

 

well the last time the A was discovered, my friend held nothing back, she let me know that, if i would not have made myself so available to him, he would have stopped, she told me that i should have known that he would chose his W and family over me, she said that i was the OW and everyone hates the OW, and when i tried to defend myself, she told me that i was f*@king that woman’s husband, and that i was cruel. i was devastated by all of this and could not believe what i was hearing, she was acting like i betrayed her, and like it was her H i was with...IT WAS Not her H and SHE was MY friend, wtf!!!

 

i know her husband treats her badly and is very very controlling and has had several A’s, but it seems like she said everything she ever wanted to say to the women her H had A’s with and said it to me...... her best friend. why??

 

She was projecting her feelings of being betrayed onto you. You probably got a good taste of what your husband had or would experience. However, you also betrayed her in a way. She knew you were riding some other man instead of your husband, so she may think to herself, "well, if my friend has no problem screwing around on her husband and hurts him, what's to say she won't try to ride my husband and hurt me"? That's why friends are lost most of the time, because they are also "betrayed", how many lies, how many times were they snapped at or treated badly? She said you were cruel, she's right! You were cruel, because that's the worse thing that can be done to someone. The list goes on and on.

 

BTW, does this BS woman know you screwed her husband? She needs to know.

 

i do not regret my decision to have an A, i cannot, i have to own it and deal with all that comes with it... because in truth i would still choose the same and i would do it the same way again, even knowing how it turned out because of what i got from it was worth the cost to me... and in my opinion that is all that matters!!!!!

 

I'm sure you regret it now, seeing how it's effected and costed people around you including your Ex-husband, now that it's too late!

Edited December 20, 2010 by Darth Vader

[2themoon&back]

I hope Surfer doesn't mind, not trying to TJ.

 

Anyway to answer a question of what you posted in one of your Threads, in which is 60 days or more old(too old to comment:

 

 

 

She was projecting her feelings of being betrayed onto you. You probably got a good taste of what your husband had or would experience. However, you also betrayed her in a way. She knew you were riding some other man instead of your husband, so she may think to herself, "well, if my friend has no problem screwing around on her husband and hurts him, what's to say she won't try to ride my husband and hurt me"? That's why friends are lost most of the time, because they are also "betrayed", how many lies, how many times were they snapped at or treated badly? She said you were cruel, she's right! You were cruel, because that's the worse thing that can be done to someone. The list goes on and on.

 

BTW, does this BS woman know you screwed her husband? She needs to know.

 

 

 

I'm sure you regret it now, seeing how it's effected and costed people around you including your Ex-husband, now that it's too late!

 

What can I say that would not be TJ……… and from your tone I doubt you are all that interested in my responses …….so all I will say that this is a very sad situation and everybody pays in their own way and I hope for Sufer that he does not pay anymore than he already has.

[Surfer203]

Well... haven't checked this in a few days. Updates.. Friday I had a work Xmas party, I came home full of food and not feeling well. So, plans we had together did not happen. I just sat around on the couch sipping on Pepto.. haha. So, I was a bit worried about the weekend. Luckily it went very well. We did a bit of shopping together and just hung out. It was nice. Things are going smoothly so far.. she is saying/doing then right things so far and I don't perceive it as Bulls*** thankfully. It all seems genuine, still keeping my eyes and ears open - don't worry. We have another MC session mid-week and my wife is interviewing therapists for her to go solo. All encouraging, long road ahead but it feels like we are starting over again which is good. I don't want the relationship we had back, I want a better one. She knows she has to be better for me now, which I appreciate. Keep on trucking - positivity is strong but I have to keep it in check!

[hopesndreams]

Well... haven't checked this in a few days. Updates.. Friday I had a work Xmas party, I came home full of food and not feeling well. So, plans we had together did not happen. I just sat around on the couch sipping on Pepto.. haha. So, I was a bit worried about the weekend. Luckily it went very well. We did a bit of shopping together and just hung out. It was nice. Things are going smoothly so far.. she is saying/doing then right things so far and I don't perceive it as Bulls*** thankfully. It all seems genuine, still keeping my eyes and ears open - don't worry. We have another MC session mid-week and my wife is interviewing therapists for her to go solo. All encouraging, long road ahead but it feels like we are starting over again which is good. I don't want the relationship we had back, I want a better one. She knows she has to be better for me now, which I appreciate. Keep on trucking - positivity is strong but I have to keep it in check!

 

A positive post, especially what is bolded. I do hope she follows through and gets the much needed therapy.

[debtman]

Good to hear Surfer203, have to compliment you for being able to take this route, but, do me a favor and go back and read your old posts occasionally to remind yourself of how it was...and how it WILL be again unless things REALLY change. On BOTH parts.

 

I got a call from my wife the other day before she was having some of her (my) friends over for dinner telling me how much she missed throwing parties with me and missed the "comfort" of our relationship. She also told me that things "might not work out" with this guy and she wished we could have made things work. I bit my tongue a lot...especially since my friends had already told me that the OM was going to be there for dinner...very weird.

 

One of my friends asked me what I would do if it all fell apart with the OM and she wanted to come back. I'm certainly conflicted because, while I would love to have the marriage and the kids back, I CAN'T open myself up to going through this again. If someone will do this to you once, they will do it again unless they can address their issues. I know how stubborn and insecure my stbx is and know she would never consider counseling, either MC or IC, so, there's no hope on this end.

 

Anyway, good luck, KEEP ON WORKING, keep on posting...check in with What_Next often as your situations are very similar and he's been going back and forth on his end. He has the bonus of living separately while they work out their issues, while that is more difficult than jumping right back to the comfort of living/sleeping together, it certainly provides more personal space to address your individual issues.

[What_Next]

Surfer, it sounds like you are making strides. Well done. From my perspective the MC and IC are critical components of your long term recovery. In my case MC is ongoing, and Donewrong's IC is ongoing (on a little bit of a break now due to the holidays). It is of the utmost importance that your wife get to the bottom of why she did what she did.

 

Things are going relatively well for me. It is as debtman pointed out fortunate that we have our seperate places. Although as has been the case we both stayed at her place this weekend. I am most definitely not jumping back in with both feet either. It will be a process. Surfer, you have chosen to step in a little further than me and I applaud you for that.

 

Who knows maybe you and I can be the success stories of 2010 frmo LS. Stranger things have happened

[Surfer203]

hopesanddreams: Thanks! I am happy that she is doing that. It shows that she cares and wants to make it work.

 

debtman: Thanks pal. I will look back upon my posts and I will never forget.. that is the truth. Thanks for the support. The fact that your wife would not even consider therapy is a huge slap in the face. Ridiculous.

 

I will continue posting, good or bad.. either way it is helpful for others to see what can come of a reconciliation. Only time will tell!

 

Thanks again to all of my friends here... I am stronger because of all of your input and care!!! I hope everyone has a nice holiday no matter where you are in life - there is always some hope, there is always positivity to be grasped no matter what avenue you decide to drive down.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: I hear you... I have not jumped ALL the way in yet, if you know what I mean.. as in no sex yet. That will take some time to feel comfortable again for sure. Don't want to rush that.

 

I hope you are right, I hope we are the success stories of the LS community. I wish everyone success though - no matter if they choose to be with their loved ones, reconcile, dump them, ignore them, whatever they do.. I wish everyone well.

[Dexter Morgan]

You're absolutely right! I just think that the divorce rate is increasing at an incredible level because people don't understand committment.

 

and you are including yourself in that demographic right?

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer, you have put a smile on my face with the positive thinking. Keep it up with all of your senses functioning at peak levels. I am having a crappy time right now, so a smile is a good thing!

Best of luck to you and the mrs. It has been my experience that the best things come to you after a lot of hard work. Keep it up.

[controlledchaos]

i think it's wonderful that you and what's_next are trying to work things out with your wives. i think it's wonderful that you both love your wives, before, during, and after what they have done. i hope they come to realize how lucky they truly are. i hope they know there are many women out there would love to have had that love the first time around. to be married to a man that wants to fight to save a marriage.

 

i wish you both the best of luck. i hope that 2011 is a calm and healing year for all of you!!

[Surfer203]

slowbutSURE + controlledchaos: Thanks so much! Support from family and friends (and the LS community) is what helped to keep me strong and positive. I am moving forward with my head held high. I am glad I didn't just quit because I am already seeing the benefits of working it out with my wife. It is kind of nice, like starting our relationship all over again - but this time there is a new found respect, admiration adn love for the other.

[Eye of Hourus]

Surfer,

 

Things sound rosey for you at the moment........but a little too rosey.

 

I really do hope things work out for you, but be careful.

 

Christmas is upon you and may Santa stuff your wife's stocking full of coal!

 

The Eye

 

Speak softly, but carry a big stick - Winston Churchill

[Surfer203]

The Eye: Well.. it is not as rosy as it seems. There is still a lot of weirdness that is going to linger for a while. Things are not really near where they were. So much has changed and so much will be put off now. I am optimistic though... another therapy session tonight. She has contacted a few different therapists and thinks she has picked one. So.. it is all encouraging. A long road ahead and at this point I am ready to walk it. Who knows, one day I may stray from the path - I don't know at this point. For now, onward!

[What_Next]

Surfer it seems like she is following through thus far. Keep a close eye on things though. Watch out for contact with the OM. It will likely occur at some point.

 

I admire your willingness to go down that road. I really do. I have started the journey but I constantly pull back. I really wish I had confidence in my ability to make it work, but I really don't think it is going to.

[Surfer203]

Thanks Pal! Guess what, as of today I can send private messages.. keep your eyes peeled for one shortly.

 

 

So, yeah.. thanks man! I am moving forward cautiouslly. I am keep my eyes and ears open. She is respecting my wishes of not talking about the time she was gone or hanging out/talking on the phone with any of her "new friends". She has not spoken to the OM since this all went down.

 

I wish you the best moving forward and I hope it works for you and Donewrong. She seem full of remorse and regret and I think she loves you deeply. I can understand your reservations about it working out though. It is down right scary. I worry to... about a day when my wife might just jump ship again. I have done my best to try and make her feel comfortable enough to communicate with me and I think she will if anything ever arises like this again.

 

Keep on trucking.

[What_Next]

Surfer, there is little doubt in my mind that Donewrong is remorseful. I also believe she does care about me. Love me, well that's a tough nut to crack because in my mind it is impossible to say you love them and then cheat on them.

 

What you said about making her feel comfortable enough to communicate with me is resounding with me. I haven't done that enough for Donewrong and although I am trying the results aren't that great.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Surfer203]

I think that is an important step. Have to ensure the other is comfortable enough to spill their guts. Otherwise there are secrets and feelings lurking that could derail the train. Thanks!

[debtman]

I also believe she does care about me. Love me, well that's a tough nut to crack because in my mind it is impossible to say you love them and then cheat on them.

 

I hear you...it's bizarre because my stbx keeps telling me that she still "loves" me and always will, and she can't understand why people are upset with her and the decision she made. She tells me that she wasn't having a "sordid affair" and wasn't cheating on me...but we're still "technically" married...and it was only 2-3 weeks after she declared that the marriage was over (after going on 2-3 dates with the OM) and I moved out of our house that the OM was sleeping with her...I STILL can't bring myself to even think of "cheating" on her because, we're still married...

 

I'm hoping that once the divorce is final I'll be able to handle seeing the OM with her since he'll be living in our house (until May-ish) and I'll have to do the drop-off/pick-up with him there.

 

Some of the best advice I've gotten, works for the stbx AND the OM...

"There's a difference between being friendly and being friends."

 

I have to keep putting things in perspective and be glad that she decided it was over, because I'm better off not being in a relationship with her if she can treat me that way...and, I've got to feel sorry for him because he has no idea what he's getting into...

 

Keep working on things surfer203...

Good luck WN, and stay focused on what will make YOU the best you can be and the happiest in the long run...

[controlledchaos]

what's_next, i have to agree with surfer on his point about making his wife comfortable to be able to open up. as a woman, i know i won't open up, share, tell how i truly feel or think if i DON"T feel safe! so my guess is your wife will be the same way to some degree. the more comfortable you make her, the easier it will be for her to come to you vulnerable and bare. it's VERY easy to cut someone off, especially if they are not being supportive.

 

surfer, i'm glad things are progressing in the right direction. no matter the pace, the point is positive FORWARD movement. even with the one step forward, two steps back........ as long as there are the forward steps!!

[What_Next]

controlledchaos, you have a very good point. I admit that I am NOT good at that aspect of things. I am apt to get angry and even before our marriage blew apart I was a lousy listener... I'm trying but it's coming slow.

 

I am actively trying to get away from things for a while through my employer. The oppurtunity will come up early in the new year to travel and I'll be taking full advantage of it.

 

Sorry for the TJ surfer....

[Surfer203]

Thanks controlledchaos: I believe that there will be always be set backs, but as long as we move forward we will succeed. Our MC last night was happy and thought that we were off to a good start, so that is encouraging. During the session we started touching on some existing minor issues from before this incident - so at times it got heavy. However, we both left the session smiling and feeling good about it. The MC agreed with how I am treating her so far, but he wants me to be EVEN MORE assertive, so I will work on that - I know it is something I had trouble with even before. Time to step up and be heard in this relationship, she understands that she has to take a back seat some times now as well. Which will give us some balance in our dynamic.

 

What_Next: Don't worry about the TJ - we have discussed how our stories share similarities.