Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 hopesanddreams: That did cross my mind.. maybe pregnant or STD.. hmmm she has been snacking a lot lately and gained a bit of weight.. who knows. Link to post Share on other sites
Eye of Hourus Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 hopesanddreams: That did cross my mind.. maybe pregnant or STD.. hmmm she has been snacking a lot lately and gained a bit of weight.. who knows. Surfer, I'm sure you said she had been tested. Did she show you the results....or just tell you? Better find out soon, you don't want to be bringing up the the OM's kid* or catching his cooties. *All children born in the marriage are presumed to be "of the marriage" in your jurisdiction. The Eye “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils” Louis-Hector Berlioz. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 6, 2011 Author Share Posted January 6, 2011 Eye: I have not seen any paperwork - initially that is what I was imagining in my head. I will ask to see something. And F*** NO! would I raise another man's child - if she is pregnant then it is OVER! Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 6, 2011 Share Posted January 6, 2011 hopesanddreams: That did cross my mind.. maybe pregnant or STD.. hmmm she has been snacking a lot lately and gained a bit of weight.. who knows. You should know !!! I thought and may have misunderstood but I thought you said you were going to insist that she be tested for any STD’s and pregnancy? And I am under the impression that Total Transparency is required after an A, for true life recovery? I do not know any of this to be true but it has worked for some of the LS poster here and is a step in reconciliation of a damaged marriage. So if you don’t know you are allowed to ask without fear of how she will react. I guess what I am asking is do you love yourself? Do you love this woman? If the answer is yes to either then start acting on it. What I mean is You must feel the right to ask her anything, even if she is uncomfortable with it, she created the situation to be unsafe for you and your marriage, you are the innocent here. I know you may be scared she will leave again if you push too hard, she already has done that, but she will leave you again if for no other reason than lack of an emotional connection. Emotional connection comes with risk; you must be willing to risk yourself here to reap any true rewards if there are any to be had. If just keeping the marriage is all that matters press on as you are and you will keep it a while longer, but if you true wish is to keep the relationship then you must start to have one and that is to communicate and connect with the OP. IMO As always I am wishing you the happiness you are deserving of Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 2themoon&back: Thanks for comments. Yes.. she has been tested, so that is not an issue. I think you are right though, I do need to speak my mind more and feel more comfortable to bring up any question/topic. She has told me that she does not want to dwell on what happened and does not want me to bring it up constantly. I told her it has to happen and she has to deal with whatever negativity comes with discussing about it, she understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Red Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 debtman: Yeah.. time for a talk again. We HAVE discussed this. She really didn't give me much of a reason though - kind of like she didn't give me a reason when she left me. This may have to be discussed in MC. I want to tap that ass (as the kids are saying these days) hahaha! If you can't laugh, what can you do?! I remember you posting that she didn't know why she left you and if I recall correctly you never posted that she admitted why she did what she did. Has she come around about why she did all that she did to betray you? If she hasn't admitted to why she did what she did then I wonder how you can rebuild your marriage if she still holds out on the reason she did all that she did. If she can't admit why she did it then how can you feel safe and secure and know that she won't repeat her past behavior? I'm not asking you that to answer me. I'm asking it for you to answer that to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 She has told me that she does not want to dwell on what happened and does not want me to bring it up constantly. I told her it has to happen and she has to deal with whatever negativity comes with discussing about it, she understood. Umm Surfer she is NO POSITION to demand ANYTHING! You CAN and SHOULD being it up whenever you like. You CAN and SHOULD ask whatever questions you have. Now you need to find ways to be non-threatening and open a healthly dialogue, but it needs to be done. Surfer I see a consistent and evident pattern of you acting like a scolded puppy. In the long run most women are not attracted to that sort of man. Hang in there buddy, we're pulling for yah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 Thanks for your opinions. My wife is in IC to try and figure out why she did it exactly. From our talks it seems like she took our marriage for granted, got complacent and bored with our routine, was nervous about having a child, acted out on being a young married woman who missed out on partying and living a independent personal life. That is why I think this happened. As a husband I was/am awesome. She tells me it was not me at all, that I am an amazing person and will make an amazing father. She said, she does not think there is any one in the world who would be a better father than me.. and I believe her on that one. WhatNext: I know - I need to be more of a man. She knows I can say what I want.. she knows there will be bumps and hard times. Link to post Share on other sites
GG2W Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 "bored, nervous, missed out on partying" add a good looking male model, who is skilled with seducing women, and if she is not used to drinking alcohol, all it would take would be a cocktail or two and she was seduced by the night life. There is part of your answer Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 7, 2011 Author Share Posted January 7, 2011 YEP! Although she does not drink. Still all of that played a part I think. She realized that, it was not the life she wanted and realized the life she had was pretty damn good! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 YEP! Although she does not drink. Still all of that played a part I think. She realized that, it was not the life she wanted and realized the life she had was pretty damn good! I think your wife is pregger with OM's baby! She's snacking and gaining weight? You better get her a pregnancy test and Paternity test done, NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted January 7, 2011 Share Posted January 7, 2011 She could be playing a manipulative game. The name is... let's see how much control over Surfer I have with sex. Cool your jets and take care of yourself in private. You've made it known that you want sex and she's ignored you. Now it's just begging on your part. Bad MoJo there! Link to post Share on other sites
debtman Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Get her tested so you can see the results!! You're better off not having had sex if she has an std and how do YOU know who the OM has been having sex with?? Bring THAT up at MC. It's NOT worth raising someone else's kid or getting someone else's disease because she couldn't stay faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 YEP! Although she does not drink. Still all of that played a part I think. She realized that, it was not the life she wanted and realized the life she had was pretty damn good! But the thing is Surfer the life she had, she is now telling you she is not happy with too Didn't she only recently mention getting into fashion, which has set alarm bells off for you! What happens the next time she aches for the party life??????? Sorry, you are not going to like what I am going to say but I think you seriously need to re-evaluate this marriage big time. Since she came back and what you have posted there are RED FLAGS all over the place. Your wife is NOT working her butt off to get you back. She's worked out that you will take her back whatever she does She's even got the cheek to tell you she doesn't want to dwell on it and doesn't want it being brought up. Sorry but this sounds like sweep it under the carpet to me and is a receipe for disaster. Your wife hasn't learnt anything, sounds to me like she is spewing you some lines in the hope you'll keep her until she finds her life of fashion and the resulting partying. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 But the thing is Surfer the life she had, she is now telling you she is not happy with too Didn't she only recently mention getting into fashion, which has set alarm bells off for you! What happens the next time she aches for the party life??????? Sorry, you are not going to like what I am going to say but I think you seriously need to re-evaluate this marriage big time. Since she came back and what you have posted there are RED FLAGS all over the place. Your wife is NOT working her butt off to get you back. She's worked out that you will take her back whatever she does She's even got the cheek to tell you she doesn't want to dwell on it and doesn't want it being brought up. Sorry but this sounds like sweep it under the carpet to me and is a receipe for disaster. Your wife hasn't learnt anything, sounds to me like she is spewing you some lines in the hope you'll keep her until she finds her life of fashion and the resulting partying. I agree, Surfer your wife's playing you for a fool! Here you are back at square one! Only thing is, like I've said before, she's probably pregnant with the OM's baby! She could also have an STD, what more does it take to "WAKE YOU THE HELL UP!?" She's adding insult to injury by telling you to forget about it and just get over it! She knows you can't just get over it! But she don't care about you at all, not your feelings or your mental state! REMEMBER, you're her "fallback guy" in case things didn't work out with her OM! Now she's dragging you through the mud that we tried to warn you about! We told you SHE WOULD DO THIS TO YOU! DROP KICK HER ASS NOW! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Well.. things changed for the better this weekend. We had sex.. which was good. Things are going well.. she had an IC session on Saturday and we have another MC session tonight. I think I am making the current situation seem worse than it really is. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Well.. things changed for the better this weekend. We had sex.. which was good. Things are going well.. she had an IC session on Saturday and we have another MC session tonight. I think I am making the current situation seem worse than it really is. No offense but I think the opposite is true, you are making the current situation seem better than it really is, or may not be seeing how really bad it is. You come across on the "web" as a caring, kind, and forgiving person, and if any of this is true of who you are, then it would make sense to why you are willing to work so hard and accept so little in return and your W receiving the full benefits of your nature. And all this is fine if you are ok with it, but if the consequences do not match the wrong doing, no lesson will be learned by the offender, they will believe they should always just be forgiven. The worst lesson I ever had to learn in IC, was boundaries are for me, not the other person, and why I say worst is because I had fear I would lose the OP if I enforced my boundaries, and that was the last thing I wanted, even at the risk of taking care of myself. So I would compromise my boundaries to get the results I wanted and IMO, you may be doing the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Part of my rehabilitation is strengthing myself and my boundries. I am really working on that - I am working on my assertive nature. It is starting to come through more, even at work. I defend myself rather than be a push over. In my marriage, I have laid out some rules and they have been respected. It is the manner I choose to do this which is uniquely my own. I do it with love and care, not with a controlling sense of domination. That is not my intent, I don't want to control her or anybody. Things are going well so far and that is the truth. I am not taking anything for granted or being silly. Link to post Share on other sites
2themoon&back Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Part of my rehabilitation is strengthing myself and my boundries. I am really working on that - I am working on my assertive nature. It is starting to come through more, even at work. I defend myself rather than be a push over. In my marriage, I have laid out some rules and they have been respected. It is the manner I choose to do this which is uniquely my own. I do it with love and care, not with a controlling sense of domination. That is not my intent, I don't want to control her or anybody. Things are going well so far and that is the truth. I am not taking anything for granted or being silly. I believe the bolded to be true!! And I know how hard it is to change and be more assertive and stay loving at the same time, when it is not who you are but who you are becoming. Stay Strong Sufer. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks pal! You know.. being assertive is something that I lost in my marriage, I became a more passive and mellow guy. That is something I realized HAD to change in order for my wife to respect me more and not pull this s*** again. It is a gradual process and is actually quite difficult to do! I am trying my best though. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thanks pal! You know.. being assertive is something that I lost in my marriage, I became a more passive and mellow guy. That is something I realized HAD to change in order for my wife to respect me more and not pull this s*** again. It is a gradual process and is actually quite difficult to do! I am trying my best though. Thanks again. The point you are missing is that what your wife did is to do with HER not you. It was HER choice, SHE chose to leave you and sleep with an OM for nearly 2 months. You may be passive and mellow or whatever but your WIFE left you and your WIFE has issues. You can change all that you want to but unless SHE fixes what led her to do what SHE did, it won't make a blind bit of difference as SHE is broken and will likely do it again. And finally, I don't think you are being silly. What I am warning you is that from what you have posted your WIFE isn't showing that she is bending over backwards to show you she is willing to work on this and answer any of your questions. There is other stuff which are red flags too Its like they say, don't do the crime if you don't want to do the time. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 sufer way to go now for round 2, get the kama sutra oil, if neither of you have tried it, it will be an instant hit. I don't know what is all in it, other than a light massage oil, when you massage it in, it instantly slightly warms the skin, it smells and tastes slightly spicy, do you follow? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Lifesontheup: Thanks for your comments.. what I was getting at is that I am becoming more in charge of our marriage, or at least trying to. She is putting in work, she can't be the perfect reconciler right away either. It will take her time to be the best she can be as well. I believe that and I am willing to give her some patience. 2.50 a gallon: I will give that stuff a whirl..where do you buy it? Anyway, I hear you LOUD AND CLEAR.. haha. Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted January 11, 2011 Share Posted January 11, 2011 I live on the left side of the Missouri so am unfamiliar where to shop in you local. I know of several businesses that carry it here. My best guess would be a adult specialty shop. And while you there check out the body paints. The light feather strokes of a paint brush is sure to get her howling at the moon. Make it fun and she will come back for more. Been There and Done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted January 11, 2011 Author Share Posted January 11, 2011 Thanks for the tips.. haha I will take a look. Things are going well! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts