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How to stay sane while wife is making decision?


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Hey Surfer, not sure if you remember me..

 

You didn't lose anything, infact you gain so much more..

 

and I can say you gain lots of friends in Loveshack.

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Fufu: Of course I remember you! Thanks for the kind words.. I agree, I did gain a lot of friends here - lots of awesome advice and comfort in my time of need. Thanks again all!

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Eye of Hourus

Surfer,

 

Hows the MC going?

 

Is you WW showing more signs of regret?

 

Give us an update you scallywag!

 

The Eye.

 

Who knows what evil lies in the hearts of men? .....The Shadow knows...:D

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The Eye: Thanks for checking in with me. Actually everything is going amazingly well. MC is good, but I don't think it is even necessary - IC I think is way more important. We are communicating very well and being honest and it feels good. We have everything on the table and I have come to grips with everything she had done. She is feeling more at ease now.. funny, she was the one feeling terrified that she would lose me. While all along, I tip toed trying to please her so she would not want to leave again. She assured me with her actions that she knows she is the one that has to make it work and will do anything to make it so. Positive update for everyone. Keep your spirits up everyone and keep your minds positive and don't EVER give up.

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Great news Surfer!! Keep being positive and patient, sounds like the two of your are working towards a better and stronger marriage. :):)

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I'm glad things are working out, Surfer, I hope they continue to do so.

 

My only suggestion for you is to continue to work on yourself. You're still a little too giving IMO for your own good. You shouldn't be tip-toeing around to try and please her, scared that she's going to run off again... that just gives her the power.

 

Don't let yourself be a doormat. Your wife has already proven once that she is willing to walk all over you, and, if you let her, she'll do it again... so don't let her. Be more of a man and less of a pussy.

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Thanks all.

 

We had a conversation yesterday and I made it clear that my good graces and forgiveness are not a sign of a weakness and does not make me a doormat. She understands that and does not think of me in that way - she is actually amazing by my compassion and love for her. To be honest she is deserving it. She is doing all of the right things and I feel really confident in our future. Things will be better than before, I think.... :)

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Surfer, congrats on the way things are turning out. I continually admire your willingness to be part of your new marriage.

 

I wish you nothing but the best my friend. Keep us all updated.

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hanging on for now
Well.. I had another thread about my situation. This one will focus on this question.. how do I stay sane and not obsess about my wife during this period of her reflection. She is heading back home to her parents tomorrow for about 5 days to make a decision and clear her head a bit. Should I avoid contacting her? Should I contact her before she leaves to wish her a safe flight, etc.? How do I occupy my mind and worries when I know inevitably at the end of this I will probably have an outcome on our future?

 

Please help, this week is going to be crazy and worrysome to no end.

 

Boy do I understand. I am in the same holding pattern. To quote her, she is trying to decide what will make her happy. The past couple of months things have cooled with her and the other man. Partially due to her health as well as her having guilty feelings toward his wife and me. Plus some things he has said and done have made her stand back and question if he is the "prince charming" she thought. She shut down the love canal and he got pissed. She said she wasn't going to be intimate with him until all divorces were settled if it came to that. He was mad. I have been waiting for her for 6 months, not even attempting to find someone to replace her, be it for companionship or sex. She is my wife and I will wait for her. She asked for us to go to counselling. We are. She said although there was hurt in our relationship, there were things she cherrished and morally we agreed, as ironic as that sounds while she is having an affair. financially, religiously, our children, her working, me being there when she really needs me and in the past few weeks, she has really needed me. Those all give me encouragement. Listen to her. If she says stay away. Do so but let her know that you care and are listening to what she wants to change in your marriage and be willing to do them. I may loose her still, but at least now I feel I have a fighting chance.

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hanging on for now
I realize you can't force feelings on someone.. but it is strange with my wife because she insists she still loves me and cares for me, but she has feelings for this other guy. I don't understand how some one can outweigh a long healthy relationship for a new Bulls*** infatuation. I know one day if she decides to stay with him it will fail and be a huge mistake. It sucks that I can't show her this, nothing I say matters really. So I guess I will lay off while she is gone... we have spoke several times in the past couple of weeks and even met up once. She decided to go home after our meeting.. prior to that she was reluctant, so I am hoping I had some impact on her.

 

Did you ever pick up something at a store that you thought you really liked, got it home and thought what the hell was I thinking? I have a hat from Mexico. Anger and guilt tend to go hand in hand. I venture to guess that while she was with the other guy, you received a boat load of anger. Now the anger is subsiding, her guilt is sliding back in. That and the number of years together are working against the new guy. The thing is, all she has are good thoughts on the bum. She never sees him tired, bummed from work or setting on the couch watching TV. She sees the new lover and the excitement which goes along with it. That is weighed against all the crap you two have together as well as the good times scattered throughout the marriage. It isn't fair but it's reality. I have seen people on this site which came back years after they worked it out. They say that their spouce apologized for being so cruel or stupid and have begged their forgiveness. Time will open their eyes if they decide to come back. Good luck.

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hanging on for now
I think you guys are right..

 

I have already shifted money to a private account and clamped the credit card down. I plan on changing the locks.

 

I feel I have to give this one last shot and see what happens. I feel if I just walk away there will never be a chance. It is just my nature to care and put in this effort. But that will run out and I told her that. So, I am hoping she comes back with her mind made up.

 

She says she wants a divorce. Now you get to pay for the forensic accountant who will come in, chase down where you moved the money, pull it back and have a judge call you on the carpet for attempting to steal what rightfully is part hers. Now she decides to try and work things out with you. She notices some money missing, you play stupid which is what she will realize you are. You have another fight and the divorce starts up again. This time it is your fault, completely. Changing the locks is not a legal act if you are separated. Give her a key, it is still her house. I don't like it either but for the love of God, she isn't your enemy. Stop treating her as such. You won't win, no matter what happens in this relationship. She cheated, which you don't like. That's obvious and natural. She made you feel humiliated, cheap and lost as what to do. I don't have an answer but try listening to her. Worse that can happen, you divorce. Playing the tough macho guy doesn't change any of this.

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hanging on for now
Women hate a whiny, begging, emotional husband. They like someone who sticks up for themselves, and for their dignity and principles. Now is the time to MAN UP. If you're determined to give it one more shot then I'll tell you what to do. Phone her up tonight, and tell her to get her ass back home if she wants any chance of the marriage working. Yes use those words, do not mince them. If she says no or can she think about it then tell her no, you want a decision in the next 10 seconds, is it you or is it him. If she won't choose then tell her not to bother coming back. If she does come back then you need to lay down the law about how your reconciliation will work, marriage counselling, total transparency, all the usual rules that are posted on here.

 

Be careful with actually changing the locks though, I meant it as a figure of speech. In the UK it is illegal for either spouse to deny the other entry to the marital home.

 

Tell her to get her ass back home. What is she your dog? Don't listen to this advise. It will never work.

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Eye of Hourus

Hanging on for now,

 

Perhaps you need to read the whole of Surfer's thread.

 

His WW is back and they are going thru MC and IC.

 

The Eye

 

"Well, opinions are like anuses. Everybody has one." Harry Callahan

Edited by Eye of Hourus
Readjusted language for auto censor
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Yeah.. I was confused there. I was reading the newest entries and thinking.. wait! I have been through this all already, brought up bad memories reading that stuff.. haha. Anyway, thanks for the comments. Things are going well still. :)

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Surfer...a word of caution from someone who has been there:

 

You're in the honeymoon phase right now. You're both relieved that you're still together, and both 'putting effort' into the relationship.

 

Often this doesn't last.

 

Just like anything else, there are ups and downs.

 

That's why you should probably continue MC...because at some point in the semi-near future, reality is going to hit, you're going to start dealing with depression from all that's gone on, she likely will too...and it'll get rocky again. Having that resource to deal with this can help a LOT.

 

Just keep the "honeymoon" thing in mind. Not saying things are bad or going to get that way...just trying to keep your feet grounded.

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Surfer...a word of caution from someone who has been there:

 

You're in the honeymoon phase right now. You're both relieved that you're still together, and both 'putting effort' into the relationship.

 

Often this doesn't last.

 

Just like anything else, there are ups and downs.

 

That's why you should probably continue MC...because at some point in the semi-near future, reality is going to hit, you're going to start dealing with depression from all that's gone on, she likely will too...and it'll get rocky again. Having that resource to deal with this can help a LOT.

 

Just keep the "honeymoon" thing in mind. Not saying things are bad or going to get that way...just trying to keep your feet grounded.

 

The Owl proves his "wiseness"

He's right on the money with continuing MC.

My FWW and I stopped after we thought, "we're good now". Boy were we, (I), wrong.

When unresolved issues surfaced, BAM, it was like Dday all over again. Pain, anger, frustration on both sides.

It was then we "got it", and realized we couldn't continue this journey alone.

When you're on cruise control and think all's good, that's when something jumps out in front of you and you hit it head on, before you even realize what the heck happened.

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Thanks Owl.. I totally understand. Her IC actually told her the same thing.. she said "even though things are going well with you and your husband right now don't be surpirsed if he gets very angry at some point and there is conflict." My wife understands that it may be the case and is prepared to deal with anything I throw at her.. or so she says. :)

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My wife understands that it may be the case and is prepared to deal with anything I throw at her.. or so she says.

 

Never forget she is of weak character. That is why you pussyfoot around her.

 

If there is too much conflict, she will bail. She has already proven that.

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Never forget she is of weak character. That is why you pussyfoot around her.

 

If there is too much conflict, she will bail. She has already proven that.

 

While I understand this perspective, there is a possibility that she has taken this whole ordeal and assessed how she handles vulnerability and stress in her relationships. It will take a long time to be able to recognize that she has pushed through this experience and made herself a better person.

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UPDATE: If any one is wondering.. things are going really well. I am very happy.. we both are very happy. Open communication and expression of feelings/love is the name of the game. It is really nice, I never thought I would be in this position after what happened. I am really glad that I stuck it out and fought for my wife and our relationship. I could have easily turned my back when she did. I feel good. :)

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Absolutely I wonder! Think about you and your wife, your situation, often.

Glad to hear things are still going well for the two of you. Both of you keep up the good work, keep any differnces in perspective and keep going. Nice to hear of a success in the works. Eyes and ears wide open, keep that trust building ongoing.

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Surfer, GOOD FOR YOU! Good for YOU! You stuck to your plan and you made up your own mind and did what you wanted to do. What a great way to ensure you are happy.

 

I am envious. I really am. I wish I could say things are going well for my wife and I, but I cannot. Perhaps I'll post my own update when the time is right. Until then please keep updating us as to the progress you are making.

 

Any tips on what is working for you?

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Good to hear surfer. Always good to see people in happier places. :)

 

Keep working on things and enjoy what you have. DON'T take it for granted.

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Hope it works out for you, but I have to say I'm a cynic, must have been here too long.

 

Really glad for you both though, it's about time somebody got lucky.

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