How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the reply.. I think you made a good statement there that I should try to hang on to. No matter what you are ou there doing you always come back to your spouse at home. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion. I need to tone it down. She is also planning on visiting her parents in Canada in the next couple of weeks. So, of course I got upset and was like "why don't you want to be with me, how could you just leave and miss me?" blah blah.. selfish. She is living away from her family for 10 years, she is not working right now, so it is fine for her to visit them - I am being a nutjob. Thoughts?

[Surfer203]

It's a fine line though.. me being controlling of what she does or who she hangs out with makes her feel restricted and confined by our marriage. That is what caused this problem in the first place. That and working together and never having free time. I have to let her and trust her to do things on her own with out being neurotic and worried.

[debtman]

I have to let her and trust her to do things on her own with out being neurotic and worried.

 

ABSOLUTELY! Give her some space, let her see that you have made some changes through all of this as well. She will see that you are confident in who you are and in your relationship because you KNOW that she values the relationship and will come back.

 

Jealousy is a COMPLETELY wasted emotion. Remember, she came back and she decided that the relationship WAS worth working on and she IS working on it...TRUST in that and be confident that she WANTS to be with you. Encourage her to go see her parents, support her decisions, show her that you are her friend as well as her spouse...

 

Just my 2 cents...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the encouragement. I think I will work really hard to be supportive and open. I think this is a turning point in which things can either go down the drain or can be built upon for the better. I need to show her why she wants to be with me, not why she wanted to get away from me!

 

Her reasoning for coming back is apparently because she loves me, realizes she made a big mistake. After she came home she talked me up like I was a God. Has been treating me really well. Then her therapist makes a comment and she thinks there is a possibility she is right. Sounds ridiculous to me. If she has home with me and still working at it, going to therapy, going to MC I think we are on the right track. Time to give her space and some credit. Time for me to stop being a baby.

[Owl]

It's a fine line though.. me being controlling of what she does or who she hangs out with makes her feel restricted and confined by our marriage. That is what caused this problem in the first place. That and working together and never having free time. I have to let her and trust her to do things on her own with out being neurotic and worried.

 

OK...here's the thing that you BOTH need to remember.

 

She has destroyed the trust in her that had been built up over years of trustworthy behavior.

 

Trust takes time and effort to build, or rebuild.

 

She may feel restricted/confined, but that's because of HER choice to destroy your trust in her, and HER CHOICE to reconcile with you and rebuild that trust now.

 

It gets better. Trust me.

 

But...stop beating yourself up over this. The bottom line is that your marriage has been damaged by her actions...your trust in her destroyed. If she wants to fix the marriage, rebuild the trust...she needs to demonstrate trustworthy behavior to you over an extended period of time.

 

And frankly...she may have had TOO MUCH freedom in the marriage before. Too much freedome = too much emotional distance between you which = breeding grounds for a second affair. It's probably part of what led to the first one.

 

She's got the choice of all that "freedom" she's asking for, or a committed, loving, close emotional relationship with you.

 

NOT rocket science.

[Surfer203]

Owl... I will try to lighten up. I am starting to feel like when she was gone. Which is not productive or worthwhile for either of us. It's just that my confidence in her and us was increasing and this has been the first time that my confidence is shaken. I know it will be a long time before we will really iron everything out and my wife knows that too. I am just hoping she has the sense and commitment to not quit on me this time.

 

I agree with you though - you are very perceptive.

[What_Next]

Surfer, there is that fine line for sure, but as Owl mentioned your wife DESTROYED trust in your relationship, she simply and utterly destroyed it. Of course you are going to question what she is doing and with whom for a while. That is natural and normal given the situation.

 

In fact it is up to your wife to help rebuild that trust by becoming completely transparent.

 

While I would never suggest keeping anyone away from their family if I was in your shoes I'd bloody well put checks and balances into place if she is to go see her family. I know in my case if my wife wants to visit her family, of course she can go, she doesn't need permission from me, but I will sure as hell have my say on what I expect from it.

 

Having ones own friends, interests, hobbies etc is a healthy part of any marriage, but if one has shown inability to manage boundaries then this type of behavior must be closely managed.

[Surfer203]

What_Next: Transparency seems to be in place. My wife tells me pretty much everything, when she is out day or night, I get text message updates. "Got to the grocery store" "Leaving the grocery store, heading home" "At home now" etc. etc. haha it is kind of weird.. but I like knowing what's going on. I was not even the one to suggest this to her, she just does it. Puts me at ease.

 

When she goes and sees her parents, I will expect the same. I will expect to know precisely what day she will be back, not just an open ended visit. That won't fly with me.

 

Keeping my eyes open!

[slowbutSURE]

Hey Surfer, remember me?

God it killed me to see you start posting again. I felt like you sailed through this place, on to something better. A success story that we all had hoped for but ours didn't happen.

You still might be that story, with the expected wrinkle along the way. I hope so!

I can only post/offer my own experience and HOPE it helps.

My thoughts.....listen to your gut. What is it saying?

Jealousy, of course, your wife put it there, Don't beat yourself up too much on that, its there firmly rooted because of past actions that were not yours.

Read,read,read,listen and watch!

Read anything and everything you can.

Listen to what your wife says.

As you're listening, watch what she does.

Eyes wide open my friend, thoughts and prayers are with you.

I keep telling my daughter, love and marriage are the most wonderful things, that's why it hurts so much when they get destroyed!

[Surfer203]

slowbutSURE: Of course I remember you, haha. I thought I made it through with a real success story today. I am hoping you are right, just a bump in the road. Thanks for the advice, I plan to be very observant.

 

So, for any one else following.. I keep trying to pry a bit more with my wife. I think her therapist just shook her up a bit.. but I think it won't lead her to anything. My wife says "I am trying to really feel my feelings and listen to my insides, but so far I have got nothing from that" - I think things are fine but maybe her therapist is causing her to try and reach for ill feelings that may not be there. Either way, her actions up until that appointment with her therapist have been nothing but great. So, to me that seems like the problem. Time will tell.

[Surfer203]

Thoughts any one?

 

Yet another tough day of worrying.. I am slightly less upset about it. My wife and I had a long discussion and cleared some things up. I have a feeling that she is not being completely honest. Never thought that until this whole thing with the therapist came up again.

 

Another part of me worries that she is going to visit her family to get away from me or clear her head and not just for the sole purpose of seeing them. Again, maybe this is my paranoia.. she lives 10 hours in a different country from her parents and sees them twice a year for a week at a time. It is logical that she would want to visit, especially when she is unemployed currently and not tied down to a job.

 

Put me out of my misery! I think I am the problem this time around, haha.

[sumdude]

Thoughts any one?

 

Yet another tough day of worrying.. I am slightly less upset about it. My wife and I had a long discussion and cleared some things up. I have a feeling that she is not being completely honest. Never thought that until this whole thing with the therapist came up again.

 

Another part of me worries that she is going to visit her family to get away from me or clear her head and not just for the sole purpose of seeing them. Again, maybe this is my paranoia.. she lives 10 hours in a different country from her parents and sees them twice a year for a week at a time. It is logical that she would want to visit, especially when she is unemployed currently and not tied down to a job.

 

Put me out of my misery! I think I am the problem this time around, haha.

 

You might want to re read the relationship 180 list. Right now talking about everything so much might be counter productive. Remember the cat analogy? You're trying to grab hold of her a bit and she's starting to squirm away a bit.

 

However she does need to know that trust has been broken and she needs to put a lot of effort into rebuilding it.

 

You have to work on controlling your fears. She already had an affair and your mind is automatically going into worst case scenario mode. Just remember ,whatever she does you will be OK.

[Ballerfamily]

hey surfer

 

I'm hoping for the best for you.....

 

 

you have chosen a very difficult path... trust, peace of mind,worrying,etc... i really hope its worth it in the end...big chance your taking...this could go on for years....

 

Just remember one thing..she is the one with issues....they wont just disappear...cheaters are really messed up...I'm so sorry...I'm praying for you...you just want the old person you married back..its so sad

 

baller

Edited May 17, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[Surfer203]

Thanks a lot. You are right, I am going to have to work on controlling my fears and emotions. It is pointless to get nuts over things that have not happened yet, I know this. It is hard though. Need to mellow out and not talk as much about it, I am sure it just drives her further away.

 

What's sad is the other day, she told me she does not really believe that I have forgiven her fully.. I think I have. She does not, so... maybe she is acting funny because she feels guilty still. I don't know. Blah.

[Surfer203]

Baller.. BINGO. I want the person I married back fully. In ways she is herself still, but there are little changes. Maybe the changes are for the better.

 

Thanks for the support. I am aware of the hard road I chose.. I know it could all blow up in my face. I think she is worth it. But if I get burned again by her, I know she was never worth it and I can find some peace in the fact that I did everything I could.

[Ballerfamily]

Thanks a lot. You are right, I am going to have to work on controlling my fears and emotions. It is pointless to get nuts over things that have not happened yet, I know this. It is hard though. Need to mellow out and not talk as much about it, I am sure it just drives her further away.

 

What's sad is the other day, she told me she does not really believe that I have forgiven her fully.. I think I have. She does not, so... maybe she is acting funny because she feels guilty still. I don't know. Blah.

 

the guilt eats them alive..so they strike out to protect themselves from their feelings..this goes on and on...very few conquer it, especially quick enough...they twist it, (you dont trust them.. you cant move on)..roller coaster that never ends...once they go there, its hard to ever come back whole...I have 2 close guy friends that have shared alot with me,(they cheated) they feel so worthless and feel like complete failures at times

 

can you imagine what feels to lose your intergrity,character and honesty... i cant imagine dealing with that...you know how we all wonder what someone thinks of us...only imagine that 50 times over plus on top of it...and now family...the one's we all lean on..

 

quit worrying..you are a veteran now... it is what it is...set her free in your mind...if she wants you, she will stay...your gut will let you know..live your life...go out..get some friends and quit worrying bout her..you cant control it..she does

 

if you cant do this, then divorce her and move on...dont live in limbo my friend..your life is worth more then that..peace

Edited May 17, 2011 by Ballerfamily

[Surfer203]

Baller: I could see that happening.. the guilt consumes them so they make excuses and lash out for no reason. I hope that is not happening. If only I could put her more at ease so that she knows I really forgive her.

 

I can't imagine how she feels, I have never cheated. I am sure she feels terrible though. I am with you, it is up to her.. not my choice to make. Hoping things work out, I love this maniac wife of mine.

[sumdude]

Thanks a lot. You are right, I am going to have to work on controlling my fears and emotions. It is pointless to get nuts over things that have not happened yet, I know this. It is hard though. Need to mellow out and not talk as much about it, I am sure it just drives her further away.

 

What's sad is the other day, she told me she does not really believe that I have forgiven her fully.. I think I have. She does not, so... maybe she is acting funny because she feels guilty still. I don't know. Blah.

 

Well have you forgiven her? Maybe you have.. I can tell you that I've been trying to forgive my ex wife for 4 years, I haven't even talked to her in over two. It's a process that doesn't just happen when you say I forgive___.I say this because you may have forgiven in the outer shell of the rational mind but deep inside you may still be really PO'd.

 

It's partially her guilt talking but maybe she doesn't want to believe you've already forgiven her because that may make you appear weak in her eyes and estimation. It's all confusing right? Maybe she feels a need for more punishment.. who knows...

[Surfer203]

sumdude: I believe I have forgiven her.. but maybe I haven't. That could explain the angry reaction I have given her lately.

 

After she came back, I told her.. "I am taking you back because I love you and want to fix things and be with you forever BUT I don't want you to take me accepting you back as weakness, as if I am pitiful or desperate, etc." She said.. "I know, you are anything but weak or pitiful" So.. I know she knows that I am not a wimp.

 

Very confusing.. I don't think she wants punishment though - I think that would make her run for the hills to be honest!

[Surfer203]

Beyond that .. I know she has lots of guilt/shame for what she did and also for things she did in her past as a teenager. She hangs on to this stuff. Eats her up. She needs to get over it the past before we can really move forward. All of that crap just blocks any potential progress.

[What_Next]

You might have "forgiven" her, as I have "forgiven" my wife. Only in so far as to have forgiven enough to attempt a reconciliation.

 

My honest opinion is that her going to visit her family now without you is quite soon and insensitive. The first night my wife was away from me after our reconciliation was at a sleepover with our child at the local church for a group event. She was almost sick to her stomach over it. She kept re-assuring me again again and again that I could check up on her, I could verify her whereabouts, whatever I needed. It meant so much to me, I'll never forget it. Sure it was hard, but knowing that she was willing to do whatever it took to make me comfortable was the key.

 

Has she offered up anything to ease your mind about her trip? If she hasn't I'd be concerned, heck yes I'd be concerned. I have vowed to never again let questions, concerns etc handcuff me. If I have them, I'll voice them.

 

I have learned I can survive, and even thrive if things don't work out with my wife, as you have Surfer, she needs to be aware of this. Now don't smash her over the head with it, but you need to exude confidence, you need to reek of it . She needs to know you care, you lover her, but she also needs to know that if she chooses to pull any of the same B/S again, she is out the door in an instant, no doubt about it.

 

Don't worry about experiencing some anger now, it was bound to come out, let it work it's way through, don't hide it. Don't let it consume you, but don't repress it. Share it with your wife, she needs to realize the consequences of her actions.

 

The best way to reek of that confidence that I speak of is to remove the things that serve to erode it, like wondering what she is up to etc. Transparency, is the ONLY way right now. It has to be absolute. Over time that will slowly become redundant, but for now at least you need it to heal and move forward.

[sumdude]

Beyond that .. I know she has lots of guilt/shame for what she did and also for things she did in her past as a teenager. She hangs on to this stuff. Eats her up. She needs to get over it the past before we can really move forward. All of that crap just blocks any potential progress.

 

Well there's the old serenity saying.

 

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.

(her actions, her thoughts, her past, my past, her emotions, my emotions)

 

The courage to change the things I can.

(my actions, my words, my reactions, my lifestyle)

 

..and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

There is nothing you can do to control what she's doing, thinking or worrying about. trying to get inside her head will only serve to make YOU a bit crazy.

[Surfer203]

W_N: It has been 5 months since I brought her back home to reconcile. My wife does check in with me constantly when she is out.. so it puts me at ease. The week up to Canada may be a bit of a strain for me. But for her spending all but a couple weeks away from her family is very hard. It has been an issue all along so at this time I don't want to tell her what to do, or not to go up there etc.

 

Your approach is very different from mine. I respect you for having THAT much respect for yourself to really put your foot down.

 

I do believe that I can survive, I did it once before.

 

Thanks for the support everyone. Time to get my confidence up and not let things bog me down so much.

 

sumdude: I like that -thanks. Good way to look at it. Time to let go. I can read that any time I start getting funky, haha.

 

 

UPDATE: Wife just left a therapy appointment, told me "It was good! :)" - so hopefully it is good in my favor haha. She did tell the therapist how she felt about her incorrect ideas.

[What_Next]

We all find our own way Surfer. My approach is just that; an approach... Who knows if it will work out or not.

 

Hang in there and take it day by day. That's all any of us can do right?

[2.50 a gallon]

I totally understand where you are coming from, with your jealousy or lack of trust. It has been less than 6 months and it takes more time than that to rebuild your trust. You are still at a point where it doesn't take much to give you a flashback and put you right back where you were 6 months ago, and you have to start all over again.

 

Also consider that the therapist could be trying to make waves just to keep her bookings full.

 

I had a similar problem with my ex-fiance. Her older sister was going to IC to help her with her man hating problems from her divorce. A divorce which had been totally caused by her actions.

 

One afternoon I came home from work to find that we had totally broken up and she was packing her things. Come to find out her sister, who did not like men, and especially me, as I would not kiss her a$$ and maintained a friend ship with her Ex, had talked her into going to her therapist, where the cocka had hit the fan.

 

Thankfully I handled it right, and she listened to me when I suggested that we see someone else. In essance a marriage counseler. Who after listening to the both of us, together and apart, came down hard on the sister's therapist, saying that he was notorious for finding ways to keep his bookings up and his calender full