How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: I will do my best to keep NC in full effect until she returns.

 

Fufu: I have made my decision. How can I NOT let her choose.. it is her life an choice right? How can what I want dictate what she wants/does? I would like to know how to make that happen, haha.

[Surfer203]

Oops thought my message didn't pop up.

Edited November 26, 2010 by Surfer203
Didn't see first post showed up and retyped it.

[What_Next]

You cannot, you can NEVER control what someone else does. It is by very definition outside your realm of control. Learn to accept that NOW.

 

She has to make her own mind up.

 

You can only control what you do. You have been given more than enough information on how to act, I suggest you listen to it.

 

Personally if my wife had of pulled crap like this I'd have sent her packing. Just FYI she reads LS and I gave her the link to this thread, she read what I posted and she had no issue with it.

[Surfer203]

I know I can't control her. Believe me.. I feel if she does not want to be with me then she shouldn't bother. But I am getting some the impression she is strongly considering it, that is the only reason I am barking up this tree currently.

 

I wish you luck in your marriage. I am not totally convinced that once a cheater always a cheater. I think there are many different levels to relationships and so many varied situations that you really never know.

[FreeNow]

You are a human being, not a used car. Both of you made your decisions when you took vows. Since then she has reconsidered those vows and callously stepped out.

 

Without any doubt, your position is a difficult one. If you don't enforce, by immediate and consistent behavior, your own boundaries as a human being and as her husband; she will lose respect for you that will not likely ever return.

 

She chose that behavior. She broke the covenant. She has to own up to that deep down inside. She must do whatever it takes to repair the damage she has caused.

 

If you continue on your present course, then you blatantly enable her. Indeed, you will add to her 'confusion' and indecision.

 

If she is deciding primarily based upon what she 'wants', what is better for her only, etc then she is a self centered, manipulative tart that you'd be blessed to be rid of.

 

If she is deciding primarily based upon what's the 'right' thing to do, better for the both of you, etc then her thinking will be clouded by further enabling of her behavior.

 

Enable her and you will lose either way.

 

Go your own way and if she follows, gives it her 100%, then you *might* end up with a spouse worth keeping. Anything less and you are the default, the non-choice, not to be respected, inferior, for whom she had to settle. Wanna be that guy in her mind?

[Surfer203]

I certainly don't want to be that guy in her eyes. I feel it is too far gone though to try and MAN UP because she is already out there making up her mind. If she does not come back with a decision I will certainly demand one. She has had her time.

[FreeNow]

It is never, ever, ever too late to assert your proper boundaries through behavior. Change yourself and make it permanent; indelible.

 

If she does not come back with a decision I will certainly demand one.

 

I'd suggest that her behavior alone, not words, will answer the question.

 

Men (and I was one of those husbands once!) that have gone through these things with their wives and not drawn a clear line by their behavior don't end up with trustworthy/loyal wives. In fact, most of us guys can ride their wives 7 days a week and twice on Sunday because they don't end up respecting their husbands. One doesn't even need to run 'game' on them they are so hungry for assertive men. Just being honest with you Surfer.

 

She has had her time.

 

Absolutely! Chant that over and over in your head.

[Surfer203]

Well.. I will assert myself by enforcing NC for the remainder. When she comes back I will give her the ultimatum.. now or never.

[FreeNow]

Good man! However, don't give one unless you are prepared to see it through to the end.

 

Something that was difficult for me to keep in mind during my YEARS of that sort of BS was; only if she comes back due to a profound change within herself for the better then it is worth anything at all.

 

So... when those dark times come upon your heart and mind, remind yourself that you are missing something that no longer exists. Remind yourself that reconciliation build upon a faulty foundation would have resulted in sheer misery.

 

You are strong... remain strong.

 

You are worth all the work she needs to do to deserve you! Not the other way around.

[Surfer203]

Thanks man.. I appreciate the empowering words. I know she has to be 100% for this to work. How many days do I give her after getting back to try to get an answer though? Or do I wait for her to contact me, because I am sure she will.

[Darth Vader]

Thanks man.. I appreciate the empowering words. I know she has to be 100% for this to work. How many days do I give her after getting back to try to get an answer though? Or do I wait for her to contact me, because I am sure she will.

 

 

How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

 

Easy! Drop her ass and Divorce the lying cheating Bitch!

 

I've read your Thread and you sound like a nice guy who deserves a lot better than your whatever wife.

 

You realize that your wife's probably stradding and riding this OM having mind blowing orgasmic sex while you're at home "waiting" for her to return and being faithful to her!

 

Ask yourself this: Why the HELL am I "waiting" for this slut to return to me after another man unloaded in her? What the HELL? Ask yourself, why do I want to have "sloppy seconds" with my wife, be exposed to STD's and I have to remain faithful to my wife, WHAT THE F U C K?!:mad:

 

 

 

 

Perhaps I can give you the P. O. V. of the OM. I dance with a male troupe. I like the money, I like the attention and I love the married women.

 

There are some men that get off on seducing married women, and I am one of them. Most of my contacts are ONS's simply for the fact that an enraged H scares the hell out of me. One of my associates, does not dance with my troupe was recently put out of service, badly beaten by one unknown.

 

This man is a predator, she is the prey in a game. He gets his kicks pronging them and their wedding ring. He gets off knowing that she is chosing him over you. This makes him feel more manly. He will dump her when you break it off with her and file. The thrill will be gone.

 

She is weak minded and totally disrespecting you. Grow a pair and dump her.

 

 

To the man who posted this above: What goes around, comes around, wait til you're in love and married.

 

This guy sounds like one of those predator types who just don't give a damn about anyone but himself, however, even this guy sees what your wife's doing(perhaps temporary sanity?) maybe seeking a thill, I don't know. But it goes to show you how much of a coward he is because he doesn't want to stand up and take responsibility for his actions, IMO, and face any one of these BH's.

 

However Surfer, I would take this man's advice or rather info he has given you, if I were you.

[PegNosePete]

How many days do I give her after getting back to try to get an answer though?

Days?

You give her 10 f*cking minutes man.

And you don't give her any ultimatums either.

You watch her behaviour and listen to what she has to say.

If she is in any way indecisive or if you don't like what she says 100% or if she doesn't immediately agree with your rules, then you give her the D papers and kick her out so hard her ass doesn't hit the floor.

[Darth Vader]

Days?

You give her 10 f*cking minutes man.

And you don't give her any ultimatums either.

You watch her behaviour and listen to what she has to say.

If she is in any way indecisive or if you don't like what she says 100% or if she doesn't immediately agree with your rules, then you give her the D papers and kick her out so hard her ass doesn't hit the floor.

 

 

Agreed! PLAY TIME'S OVER!

[Surfer203]

Darth: Something is telling me she may come back.. maybe just ignorance and hope. That is why I can't just say goodbye. I understand that the guy probably banged her, but I think it is meaningless. Believe me, if she comes back she is getting an STD/HIV test.

[Surfer203]

Problem is.. she will arrive back at 1:30 on Monday. I will be at work. She is going back to the guys apartment because that is where she has been living and that is where her belongings are.

 

What do you propose?

[Surfer203]

Maybe I will take the afternoon off and go pick her up... how about them apples?

[PegNosePete]

Problem is.. she will arrive back at 1:30 on Monday. I will be at work. She is going back to the guys apartment because that is where she has been living and that is where her belongings are.

 

What do you propose?

WHAT THE F*CK DUDE!!!

If she chooses you then she has NOTHING more to do with this guy... and that includes going to his house when you're at work!

I propose that if she enters his house then she doesn't enter yours ever again.

He can send her sh#t by post, or leave it with a mutual friend, or you send a friend to his house to collect it. Whatever. It's just stuff.

[Darth Vader]

Darth: Something is telling me she may come back.. maybe just ignorance and hope. That is why I can't just say goodbye. I understand that the guy probably banged her, but I think it is meaningless. Believe me, if she comes back she is getting an STD/HIV test.

 

 

NO, YOU BELIEVE ME! SHE WILL DO THIS AGAIN TO YOU IF/WHEN SHE DOES COME BACK! It's only a matter of time!

 

No consequences for her actions, means no motivation for change!

 

So, your wife RIDING some other man is meaningless? Come ON! MAN! WAKE UP! Because your STBX-Hex won't! I know you gotta be absolutely shaking with intense rage over this!:mad:

 

You don't have to take it man, you deserve better!

[Darth Vader]

WHAT THE F*CK DUDE!!!

If she chooses you then she has NOTHING more to do with this guy... and that includes going to his house when you're at work!

I propose that if she enters his house then she doesn't enter yours ever again.

He can send her sh#t by post, or leave it with a mutual friend, or you send a friend to his house to collect it. Whatever. It's just stuff.

 

 

AGREED! AGAIN!

 

Peg, you know man, this guy sounds like a lovesick puppy, he's no doormat, but he is acting like one.

[Surfer203]

She is going to fly back and when do I tell her not to go back? If I don't have an answer before she gets back and she needs to get her stuff. I don't know.. now I am getting a little annoyed. I think before she lands I need to make her decide so that she does not go back there and get captured by him. If she is going to come back, I will meet her at the airport and drive her in - she can grab her s*** and I will wait out on the curb.

[Surfer203]

No.. the sex means something and it hurts me. I think it is meaningless sex she was havin not loving sex.

[hopesndreams]

Delusions. You are so deluded. Re-read this stuff.

 

I need to make her decide so that she does not go back there and get captured by him.

 

I think it is meaningless sex she was havin not loving sex.

 

When she goes back to her place of residence her OM will be there waiting with open arms. Got it? Good.

 

The sex with OM is not meaningless to your wife. She is aching for him right now. Got it? Good.

 

Now what?

[Surfer203]

Hmm.. I guess tell her not to come back to the USA without a decision?

[PegNosePete]

Does she have a key to your place?

If so then let her actions speak, not her words.

If she goes to his place then it's over.

If she comes to yours and waits then there is hope.

No need to tell her anything, just let her decision dictate her actions.

 

If she chooses you then she will have no interest in ever seeing this guy again!!!

[Surfer203]

Pete... not trying to make excuses. She is flying into Laguardia airport which is convenient to NYC by taxi. I live up in Connecticut, so it would be harder for her to get back up here. I am guessing she will just go there to get her stuff if she is coming back anyway. F***! I am getting upset now.. I need to interject some how, I knw my actions will be useless but I feel the need to setup up now and say "what's it going to be?!!?". Ahhh.. going to try and cool out this weekend.