How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Ms. Red]

So, my wife came back from her visit to her parents. Things seem okay so far - the OM has not contacted her any further about their former lease together and legal BS. So that's good - I think he was just threatening her to try to get papers/info.

 

Anyway, I have decided to stop going to my own IC.. waste of money and I am basically okay now. My wife will be going less to her IC.. maybe once a month. We are looking for a different MC because our guy is not so great.

 

I can't help but feel like something is off since that talk with her therapist. I just get a weird feeling since then. Maybe it is me? Prior to that I felt amazing in our relationship and I think she did too. Since then I have noticed a bit of an awkward vibe. Is it possible that it is all in my head?

 

Ms. Red... My head needs to turn off some times.

 

Things were great until that therapy session. The therapist told my wife that she took what she said out of context or misunderstood.

 

My wife did not have a specific reason but I think it was a a lot of things piled up. Working/living/socializing together 24-7 literally, for the past 10 years almost. We were a month away from starting to try to conceive. I think she could not handle the stress and she couldn't face me and let me know she needed time to herself for a while. Lack of communication was a major problem. She has identified these issues and is digging deeper with her therapist.

 

I personally don't think she will repeat what she did ever again. Not saying things will work out and we will live happily ever after but I know she wouldn't do something like that again.

 

Pile all this crap up with money being tight now as well and it makes for a stressful life for me.

 

 

Bold #2: And it may still be. Bold #1: You need to express that to your wife and keep the communication open about your feelings. She should be your number one person to go to when you need to work out feelings you are having especially when it pertains to her.

 

Don't keep it inside. You did that about her trip to her parents and look how she helped you work through those feelings and reassure you when you did tell her how you felt. Trust in her enough to be totally open about all your negative feelings you have about your relationship.

[Surfer203]

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

 

Update: Last night we had a huge fight, lasted a few hours. Basically it started because money is tight and I decided to stop going to my therapist and I mentioned to her "so, have you told your therapist you will be coming less frequently?" She replied, "no - if I could I would go every week". My reply "why?" Her reply, "Because I still am confused about how I am feeling".

 

She admits she started being "confused" after the therapist appointment which is when I have noticed a shift in her attitiude and interactions with me. She has been holding back affection and stuff. Why? Well because she does not want to get me hopes up or pretend. She does not know how she feels and it is not necessarily how she feels about our relationship, it could be something else in her life - something is making her unhappy. OR maybe not, she is confused.

 

So, naturally my mind goes to okay, great - this marriage is doomed AGAIN. She still thinks this is in my head mostly. I don't think I am too far off base to think that way, I have been hurt by her in the past - why wouldn't it happen again?

 

I was in such a rage last night, I smashed my cell phone 3 times, punched the wall, slammed doors, I didn't actually break anything - I was just so angry that we were back where I thought we grew from again. I normally don't behave like this FYI.

 

I know we were happy even after the split - we worked hard and were getting along really well - now suddenly after her stupid therapist plants a seed in her head she shifts how she is acting. It seems really stupid, she is no in touch with her feelings. I asked "how could you not know how you feel?" She gets upset and claims she is not self-aware. Maybe that is why she did what she did last fall. In my opinion that is BULLS***, how could you not know. Maybe my wife lost her f****** mind for a couple of months, chemical imbalance who knows. Now she is second guessing her decision because of that and her stupid therapists suggestion.

 

She offered to stop going to that therapist and find another one. Personally I think it is too late, the seed has been planted.

 

Through it all she kept telling me she loved me and she was sorry.

 

How do I act from here on out? What do I do? I am really lost - today is going to be a terrible day at work. I don't know how to move forward and get a positive result from our relationship. I thought we were on the right path. Maybe we still are and this is just a bump in the road. She agreed that is a possibility. I told her it will take years to fix what happened and just because you are not feeling 100% does not mean that the marriage is a lost cause. Help me.

[Surfer203]

MSWS: Thanks for commenting. I know I can't force her feelings and I know I can't break things, haha - I was just so upset and did not know how to deal with it at that time. Today I am calm, just still very very upset.

 

Thinking about how to proceed.. I want to be with her and want to make things work. So I guess for now I am going to strap on and hold tight.

 

I went through a rainbow of emotions last night and I think I got most of the anger out of my system.

 

Still debating how to act towards her, that is if i want to make this work. Do I keep acting like a good husband, sweet and loving and not getting that in return from her? Or do I act a little more detached and let her wonder, worry and see what happens?

[Surfer203]

The bumps in the road are present all too often.. for me they don't equal disaster but I feel in her mind maybe they do? Maybe I am the one getting crazy and blowing things out proportion.

[Surfer203]

MSWS: Thanks man.. I appreciate this. I think I will do what you suggest for the time being. Just be a man and husband not overly affectionate. My guard is way up and I am not going to be too optimistic, maybe setting myself up for disaster.

 

Just had a text message convo with my wife a minute ago.. we both apologized for how we were talking to eachother last night. I apologized also for my anger and destructive behavior. I told her let's just keep living and just to feel things - not live based off of preconceived notions. She said "That's fair", I also expressed again, this is early on in our reconciliation, maybe just a bump in the road. She had to go to Zumba class at the gym, so she said goodbye.. and I get "Have a good day Baby! :)" - Am I being mindf***ed or what?!?! Or is she serious? After last night, it's not like she told me she hated me - it was the opposite. Still, I don't get it. Women are out of their f***ing minds.

[Surfer203]

MSWS: Did you and your wife reconcile - back together still?

[What_Next]

I am sorry to hear about this incident Surfer, but honestly I am not all that surprised. Now first and foremost, losing your temper is OK. It is OK. You have every right to be upset. Look at what she decided to do. You obviously know smashing things is a BAD IDEA. If you feel yourself getting like that, walk away and cal down. Trust me. Behavior like that can amplify especially if she decides to tell her therapist. It can quickly spiral.

 

That's done and you cannot undo it, but that doesn't mean you cannot apologize and look forward which you seem to have done.

 

As for your wife, geez man, that's a tough one. Do I think the therapist planted this seed as you suggest, yes, but it is getting watered and fed from somewhere else and it is growing. Find that source of water and food and choke it out.

 

Did the time apart help at all from either of your perspectives? I had hoped it would, I had hoped more time apart would have helped her realize how much she desires to be with you.

 

A total side note to this, you had mentioned that she is not working, perhaps this is a case of her having too much time to sit around and "think", not always a good thing. Just a thought though.

 

Be honest with her, tell her what you are thinking, but also learn to be a keen observer. Learn to pick up on her cues and the vibe she is sending out.

[FreeNow]

Surfer203,

 

I withheld replying until you hit some 'rough enough' patch...

 

If you continue your relationship with her, there is *always* the potential for a repeat; even years down the road. Imagine being years in, children and debts, then *wham*... here we go again! This will always have a higher probability with her because she has done it already. In my experience and after years of observation, the risk is not worth it. Only with the rare and motivated WS is it worth the risk. She simply fails on the choice side of the love equation; the part necessary when feelings aren't as strong and character carries the day.

 

I'm not trying to rub salt in the wounds but she clearly, IMHO, is not that committed. Certainly, she's not committed enough upon which to bet the rest of a lifetime. It's my opinion, and only an opinion, that there will always be this possibility with her. Tick, tock... as it were.

 

I'm so sorry to read of your pain. I've been there. Hold strong and work on yourself every day.

[Surfer203]

WN: Thanks man. I agree.. I get way out of line. She asked if the things I said were all true and honestly a lot of things I was saying for effect. Stupid looking back.

 

What can the source be for feeding the seed?! I am perplexed. I think she is unhappy with other things but some how it is tied in to our marriage. Maybe she is unhappy about not working or contributing to the household enough. Maybe she is unhappy about what she did and can't get over it.

 

The time apart was fine for me, I realized I missed her but was fine with out her for that time. She seemed fine too, towards the end of her trip I noticed her text messages were more sweet and seemed like she really missed me.

 

So, I think that was telling. We were getting along very well since she came home until that argument last night. Her still being "confused" set me off and that started the fight.

 

I agree, if she was working maybe her mind would be on other things and she would feel happier because she is keeping busy and contributing to our income.

 

I am trying to be as perceptive as possible, trying to figure things out.

 

MSWS: Thanks. We are getting along so far, both apologized- I think that is a good sign. If she made up her mind she wouldn't apologize and would probably just give up. Financial constraints or not.

 

I hear you on being careful what I say in writing. Will make sure to keep a clamp locked down on my mouth.

[Surfer203]

Freenow: Thanks for the response. I always figured it was a possibility, who knows though. This may be a tiny blip on the radar for all I know but it is certainly something to me. She is worth it - for now. I am on guard though and will continue to be for a long time until she has proven to me that she is fully committed and that I am totally comfortable again.

[PegNosePete]

"Because I still am confused about how I am feeling".

Damn, dude. That would be game over for me. Well it would have been game over for me long ago but you know what I mean

 

She should know what she wants by now. If she isn't fully 100% committed to making the marriage work by now, then she never will be.

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: That is what I said to her. I told her "how can you not know how you feel?" - She insists she does not and keeps bringing up that she is not "self aware". Blah blah blah. It almost was game over.. I told her last night if she didn't know how she felt still then to "get out now because I am not playing games anymore." This was a serious fight last night. I really don't want her out though, I want to work on things.

[Surfer203]

Also, couple of other tidbits.. I said "If you don't know how you feel truly, then the therapist you have now is garbage." She insists "it's only been 6 months, it can take a long time for therapists to get down to the bottom of something". She offered to stop going to that therapist and try another... or whatever I wanted. I don't want to tell her what to do though. One thing is for sure, that therapist sucks. Misleading her and planting seeds of destruction.

[FreeNow]

I understand Surfer203 and I hope only the best for you.

 

As an anecdote... After a few failed marriages (one of them 20 years), having raised a house full of children myself, and and sworn off relationships at "my age"; I'm seeing a gal. She was extremely persistent for years. I don't fix her problems, I don't give a rat's ass about with whom she speaks or what she does on the internet. She knows that if she cheats, it's over forever. We are honest with each other and truly cherish our relationship. If I could go back in time, *this* is exactly what I'd beat into my own head to wait for and settle for nothing less! So far, it has been the mature and mutual loving relationship that I, as a 'fixer', cheated myself from having.

 

Please... don't be too much of a 'fixer'. You, as a human being, are worth so much more than that. If the relationship workload is too unevenly balanced, something isn't right. She's an adult and should, by this point in life, know to occupy her time with endeavors that aren't destructive to the marriage. If she doesn't then it's more like babysitting her than being a husband. I had to 'raise' my last wife and it sucked. The immature spouse never grows up.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah man, I want a free holiday to the Caribbean but we can't always have what we want!

 

The worst thing you can do right now is to be a doormat. Don't accept her indecision. Sounds like you did just the right thing. I would tell her that she has 1 week to make up her mind what she wants and how she feels, and if she still doesn't know, then that's it. You don't deserve to be put through all this crap on top of what she's already done to you. Seriously man you have to call it a day at some point. Otherwise you will be an old man and still in the same situation.

[Surfer203]

FreeNow: I agree.. I was not feeling unbalanced in our relationship until 3 weeks ago after her therapist appointment, totally F***ed things up from that point. My hope is that it is just a stumble. The road we were on was good. I don't feel like a baby sitter but I am starting to feel like I am being played.

 

PegNosePete: Haha, isn't that the truth. I won't be a doormat, I don't want to be in that same position I was in the fall. I tried the ultimatum thing last night - it is not reasonable though. I think one week is not enough though - maybe a bit harsh considering she is not sure WHAT she is unhappy about, it may not even be our relationship. However, I get a strong feeling that it is the problem.

[What_Next]

Surfer I've been down this road with you before in terms of becoming more agressive (not throwing things of course)... You need to make it CRYSTAL clear that your wife is more than free to 'find herself' or determine whatever she needs to be happy, but it bloody won't be at your expense.

 

Remember, YOU cannot MAKE her happy, she is responsible for that all on her own.

 

I won't get into the potential for her cheating again, you and I have spoken about that before, and that doesn't much help you today.

[Surfer203]

Look.. I want to preserve our marriage.

 

Is an ultimatum a good idea?

 

If I push her and she is just a bit clouded currently then I will regret that mistake but I can't live in limbo waiting for he to make up her mind.

[Surfer203]

I have tried to make it clear that it is okay for her to do that.. I was cool with her visiting her family for a week, going out with friends, doing her own thing. I am being very accomodating.

 

I can't sit around and feel as if I am waiting for something and feel like my efforts are not being returned.

[FreeNow]

I don't think and ultimatum is a good idea. Think about it... it sets a goal for her to achieve, by hook or crook I might add, in order to keep you engaged in this dance.

 

If you aren't present (emotionally, physically, or both), someone mature that loves you and has decided to be with you will make a firm stance to be with you.

 

She already knows what she did wrong and the problems that need to be fixed. If it requires coaxing and ultimatums then it isn't all that, now is it?

 

Coaxing and ultimatums are things we might do with an unruly or misguided child. I'd just go dark... emotionally and physically if possible. That is the whole 180 thing. If the marriage is that important to her then at this point she knows what the hell to do.

[Surfer203]

FreeNow: I think you are right. She is not the type to be pushed either, so an ultimatum is not a good tactic. For now, I will do a bit of a 180. Just going to do my thing, be a man, work, workout, keep busy with friends, etc. Not going to fester and keep opening wounds between us. Going to be easy going and not push one way or another.

[FreeNow]

That sounds like a good plan. Stay strong and take care of yourself for a while.

[Surfer203]

Thanks pal. Wish me luck.

 

I will update here if anything significant happens or changes. So far we have exchanged a bunch of text messages today like nothing happened and she is being sweet but not overly sweet (which would seem like over compensating). So, okay so far today. Only time will tell though.

[Surfer203]

Another day is almost done, it was a hard one. I wonder how many others here float through their work day, are there in body but not mind. Issues clogging up our heads. That is how I felt for two months when my wife was gone and that is how I am feeling today. A bit hopeless and a bit fed up. Onward - but this time with a guard up and not overly optimistic.

[What_Next]

Many go through it surfer, that is why my advice is ALWAYS to inform your employer. You don't have to get into specifics, but there is little doubt your performance will suffer. I know my wife came very close to losing her job as a result of our problems, as did I.

 

In the end though I now find work a place to get away from all of it. I try my best to focus intensely, even for shorter bursts as it really helps wash it all away.

 

I wish you the best of luck as always.