How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

WN: Yeah.. I told my boss and a bunch of co-workers right after it happened. My wife used to work here too, so they understand. Hopefully they will continue to put up with my spaced out self until this gets resolved.

 

As you mentioned, maybe that is what my wife needs too. She needs to work to be out there, get her mind on other things, socialize, earn money and feel like she is contributing. Work is kind of an escape for sure.

 

Thanks for the well wishes!

[Steadfast]

I don't fix her problems, I don't give a rat's ass about with whom she speaks or what she does on the internet. She knows that if she cheats, it's over forever. We are honest with each other and truly cherish our relationship. If I could go back in time, *this* is exactly what I'd beat into my own head to wait for and settle for nothing less! So far, it has been the mature and mutual loving relationship that I, as a 'fixer', cheated myself from having.

 

Please... don't be too much of a 'fixer'....I had to 'raise' my last wife and it sucked. The immature spouse never grows up.

 

What a fantastic message! Bravo FreeNow...and congrats. I've followed your posts and you deserve all the happiness you can get.

 

Oh, btw, I'm in a similar position and have a similar background. You're so, so right. My ex was more thoughtful and 'mature' at 25 then she is at 40.

 

Surfer, the bottom line is most people are either in or out. Love, real love, just isn't that much work. Great point (again) about the balance. It should be balanced...two people pushing towards each other makes even the heaviest load seem light.

 

Two points:

 

-If she's repeating that she loves you that is absolutely huge. I mean, most walk-aways do not say this. But, if saying that is her habit to defuse a situation, then it's nothing but lip service. Real love is action. Not words.

 

- Huge Red Flag on holding back the affection as to 'not get your hopes up'. This is the kiss of death to any relationship. Bad, bad, bad thing to say.

 

It almost was game over.. I told her last night if she didn't know how she felt still then to "get out now because I am not playing games anymore." This was a serious fight last night. I really don't want her out though, I want to work on things.

Sigh.

 

Dude...sadly, you are playing games because you said something and didn't mean it. NEVER DO THIS. You are never going to fully reconcile this marriage if she doesn't respect you. She knows you don't mean it...she knows she has the upper hand and she knows she's calling the shots. And while I'm ranting, I've never liked the title of this thread, which indicates that your testicles are somewhere hidden in her purse. Take them back.

 

...and screw her decision!

 

Until you come to a place where you are fully committed to living a happy, full and balanced life, then nothing will change. Well, until she musters up whatever it takes to end it for good. Forget the talk, but when she demands something tell her what you've written here; that life is too short to walk around on eggshells and that you want to be happy. Period.

 

But don't say it unless you mean it.

 

All this planning, scheming, waiting and worrying is a waste of time. Live.

[Mz. Pixie]

Steadfast is so right, and I've been a walk away wife. I saw this thread title and thought to myself- WTH? Why is he allowing her to make a decision that dictates the rest of HIS life?

[robf1971]

HERE WE GO AGAIN!

 

Update: Last night we had a huge fight, lasted a few hours. Basically it started because money is tight and I decided to stop going to my therapist and I mentioned to her "so, have you told your therapist you will be coming less frequently?" She replied, "no - if I could I would go every week". My reply "why?" Her reply, "Because I still am confused about how I am feeling".

 

She admits she started being "confused" after the therapist appointment which is when I have noticed a shift in her attitiude and interactions with me. She has been holding back affection and stuff. Why? Well because she does not want to get me hopes up or pretend. She does not know how she feels and it is not necessarily how she feels about our relationship, it could be something else in her life - something is making her unhappy. OR maybe not, she is confused.

 

So, naturally my mind goes to okay, great - this marriage is doomed AGAIN. She still thinks this is in my head mostly. I don't think I am too far off base to think that way, I have been hurt by her in the past - why wouldn't it happen again?

 

I was in such a rage last night, I smashed my cell phone 3 times, punched the wall, slammed doors, I didn't actually break anything - I was just so angry that we were back where I thought we grew from again. I normally don't behave like this FYI.

 

I know we were happy even after the split - we worked hard and were getting along really well - now suddenly after her stupid therapist plants a seed in her head she shifts how she is acting. It seems really stupid, she is no in touch with her feelings. I asked "how could you not know how you feel?" She gets upset and claims she is not self-aware. Maybe that is why she did what she did last fall. In my opinion that is BULLS***, how could you not know. Maybe my wife lost her f****** mind for a couple of months, chemical imbalance who knows. Now she is second guessing her decision because of that and her stupid therapists suggestion.

 

She offered to stop going to that therapist and find another one. Personally I think it is too late, the seed has been planted.

 

Through it all she kept telling me she loved me and she was sorry.

 

How do I act from here on out? What do I do? I am really lost - today is going to be a terrible day at work. I don't know how to move forward and get a positive result from our relationship. I thought we were on the right path. Maybe we still are and this is just a bump in the road. She agreed that is a possibility. I told her it will take years to fix what happened and just because you are not feeling 100% does not mean that the marriage is a lost cause. Help me.

 

Hi Surfer,

 

Just my 2 pence, I've reconciled my marriage with a walk away wife albeit minus the infidelity. First things first, there are always ups and downs in any reconciliation.

 

Secondly I heard the "I'm confused line" every damn day for months and months, even when we were doing well. At first I used to get angry or teary in front of her. Then it was like i became immune to it.. If she said it I just said I understand, and carried on as normal, with a smile. Instead of letting it f' up my work day and fun, I launched myself into my business even more and it became my saviour. I really started to enjoy life and she could see that was the case however "confused" she was about her feelings.

 

My advice, don't bother with bloody ultimatums, they only make you look silly when you don't follow through. Work hard, have fun, don't take any BS from your wife. Stand up for yourself calmly and firmly (no throwing cellphones, Naomi Campbell). Be a man

[PegNosePete]

My advice, don't bother with bloody ultimatums, they only make you look silly when you don't follow through.

Who said anything about not following through?

If you do the ultimatum thing, you always have to follow through.

[Surfer203]

Well...

 

Another huge fight last night. I could almost say with certainty that we are done. A few things came out last night. She was lying that her therapist made those suggestions, they were really her own thoughts. She admitted to being a liar for her entire life, holds many things inside. Admits she left because she liked our life but wanted to try it with a different person. She admitted she was happy when she came back and slowly she started to feel confused and she is pretty sure she is unhappy with our marriage. She says that on paper I am the perfect husband. She gives the main excuse that she can't forgive herself for what she did and can't forgive herself for doing it to me. So, some how that means we can't be together to her?

 

She says she is not ready to quit yet but percentage wise it does not look good in our favor. Again, confusion.. why is she so confused - get to the bottom of your feelings and figure them out for heaven's sake. I think she needs to heal herself before we could have another decent shot at our marriage. She feels extreme guilt and shame for what she did. I asked if these were excuses to break up with me, she claims they are not excuses.

 

She will continue to go to her therapist to try and get to the bottom of it, figure out how to forgive herself. Her therapist recommended a book on guilt/shame and forgiving yourself. We will go to a different MC to try and mend things. My outlook is grim and not optimistic. I know that this will probably go down the tube. If there is any chance still, I would like to try. If she is not willing to put in the effort then there is no point.

 

So amazingly depressed and miserable today. Feeling weak physically and mentally.

[marqueemoon4]

sorry man... that really sucks and I know hard it is to swallow. she admitted to being a liar??? oh man... as everyone knows relationships are based on trust. its like when after I married my ex she told me she was a "cold person" and really "had no interest in sex." this would've been valuable information to provide BEFORE we procreated together and got married!

 

keep your chin up man.. in the end it'll be better to have this person out of your life.

[Surfer203]

Yeah.. she admitted to lying about a lot of things since she was a kid. Not like she was faking love or happiness with me. Just certain things she kept inside for some reason.. don't know why.

 

I'm thinking it will be better in the long run too. It is hard though because I love her so much.. regardless of all she has put me through. She says she loves me still as well. She does want to take some steps to give it a last try, while I appreciate that I can't help but feel like there is no point to it.

 

Trying my best to keep my chin up.. I am just feeling crushing pain, it is hard to breath and that is no lie.

[marqueemoon4]

well... if she's being honest you have what ALOT of people here on LS would die for..

 

1. you both love each other

2. she claims she is willing to try and work things out

[Surfer203]

What kills me is the fact the she has not given up completely yet so in the process I am being dragged through a field of broken glass in the mean time.

 

I am fearful for the future.. if it does not work out - I am going to suffer until she decides to end it.

 

She has no means to move out, no job, severe credit card debt.. am I going to end up living in our home while separated or divorced? I can't kick her out legally.

 

What a mess.

 

The only thing that I can hang on to is that I did the best I could, tried to be the best husband and friend possible. She has to live with what she did forever, no matter if she gets over it or not - it will always be with her, always be a gigantic, painful and selfish mistake she made. It will surely effect her life forever - she maybe just does not see it yet.

[Surfer203]

Right.. IF she's being honest.

 

Those are both something but maybe not enough after all that has happened. I certainly did not help my case these past few days/weeks with all of the fighting.

[What_Next]

Ah bud, that is so hard. The thing is though she is at least communicating with you. It might not be what you want to hear, but perhaps what you need to hear.

 

Maybe she said those feelings came from thoughts planted by her therapist because she was fearful of how you would react if she told you her true feelings.

 

Re: forgiving herself, well she needs to really get to the bottom of why she did what she did. Unless she is a serial cheater (which she ISN'T it appears) there are deep seeded reasons for it. It might take a long while for her to really figure out what they were though.

 

The thing is (and I know you realize this) you cannot make her do anything. You cannot. The sad reality is that there is a reasonably high chance that things might not work out. As in all cases post affair.

 

Hang in there, this might simply be another set of challenges that are placed before you. I am NOT a religious person but one thing I have come to believe is that we are not given more than we can handle.

[PegNosePete]

I am fearful for the future.. if it does not work out - I am going to suffer until she decides to end it.

Yeah man, you have to call a time limit on it. Otherwise you'll be in purgatory forever. You could be lying on your death bed and she still won't have made a decision. The title of this thread is suddenly becoming relevant again... you are trying to stay sane while SHE is making a decision, all over again. That is why I suggested giving her a week - it wasn't some kind of trick to make her come to her senses or to be an ultimatum. It was for YOU. You need to put a time limit on how long you're prepared to let her control your life. At some point you need to start looking out for your own well being. If she can come around within that time then good, but if not, you need to call it eventually.

 

The only thing that I can hang on to is that I did the best I could, tried to be the best husband and friend possible.

Yep you certainly did dude, you have the patience of a saint. I don't think many people (myself included) would have put up with her crap for as long as you have. But that patience must end somewhere, otherwise you will be wasting your entire life. And as you lie there on your death bed still asking her if she has made up her mind, you will wonder where your life went, and whether you could have had happiness by making different choices.

[Surfer203]

WN: Thanks pal. Yeah.. she is communicating which is a good thing. I think if all hope was gone though she would probably just pack her stuff and leave again.

 

You are right about the therapist - she lied, told me it was the therapist to see how I would react and to take some of the burden off of herself.

 

I know I can't make her change or do anything, I have learned that already but what if this is just another challenge for us in our reconciliation. She may need some time to sort herself out before trying to be in a normal marriage with me.

 

Doing my best to keep it together but honestly I feel like giving up.

 

Do you honestly believe that she could want to break up because she can't forgive herself for what she did to me? Sounds like bulls*** to me, like an excuse but she denies it and insists that is her main reason for being unhappy and wanting to potentially end it. Odds are not looking good.

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: I hear you completely man.. my thing is I am just so hung up on loving her and loving being with her. I can't face the alternative. I do know that I am not getting anywhere by just hanging on like an idiot though. I can't do it forever... we both know it. She has decided to make some steps.. let's see if she does and if I don't get any positive indications then I may just end it. Can't wait forever.

[PegNosePete]

Do you honestly believe that she could want to break up because she can't forgive herself for what she did to me? Sounds like bulls*** to me, like an excuse

Well I have been fed that line too, or rather its common variant, "you're too good for me". I have to say that in my experience it is true. Anyone who says that or something like it, is admitting that they do not deserve you. My response would be, yes you might be right but I choose to stay with you and that is MY choice, so you just worry about YOUR choices and let me worry about me.

 

I can't face the alternative.

Think you need to read up on codependency.

[Surfer203]

PegNosePete: That is a good response however no matter what I say to her she thinks I am just trying to manipulate her in to staying with me. Trying to undermine her emotions and feelings to keep her with me. So I don't think saying that would help.

 

I probably am co-dependent, I think most people are a little bit.

[What_Next]

Keep in mind that women pick up on all sorts of cues that most of us men wouldn't see coming if they were attached to a hung of BBQ'd meat .

 

The signals you are sending out are important. Now I'm not suggesting you be cold, but she needs to realize that you ARE someone to be desired, you ARE someone that is a good catch.

 

Honestly she is treating you like the second prize. She needs to know that you are NO ONES second prize.

[Surfer203]

WN: I get that.. it is hard to control my "vibe" some times, especially when I feel like my world is ending and all I want to do is smash something.

 

I know what you are saying though.. I need to act more confident, bring myself up. Maybe she will see my value then, even though "on paper you are perfect". Haha.. what the f***!?

 

For the folks that think I should not just end it and stick it out while she works through some issues.. how should I carry myself in the mean time?

[Owl]

Here's my thought.

 

She's still in control of this entire situation. What she says, what she does, dictates every move you make.

 

You're still scared of losing her...and that keeps her in the position to dictate what happens in your relationship.

 

She's not sure?

 

Time for her to either get sure, or get out.

 

Given all these games, these lies...what foundation do you have to rebuild from? How do you EVER, EVER rebuild trust with someone who lies like this?

 

My suggestion is going to be one you won't like.

 

Tell her that if she still can't commit, if she's still not sure, and she's been lying to you about all of this...she's so fundamentally messed up there's no foundation to build/rebuild a relationship from.

 

Tell her it's time that she either grow up and make changes...or move out and drive on.

 

AND MEAN IT.

 

Seriously. Realize that you can and will live on without her...and thrive.

 

Stop living in fear of what she's doing/thinking.

 

To me...there's a boundary of what I can and will accept in my life, and what I won't/can't.

 

She's not marriage material...not in the state she's been in.

 

Don't let this drag out anymore. She CHOOSES to work on the marriage...or she chooses to move out and divorce...RIGHT NOW.

 

See...told you that you wouldn't like it. But I really think this is your best bet in the long run.

[Surfer203]

Owl.. thanks for chiming in - I was actually waiting for you to do so and I appreciate your thoughts.

 

I am totally with you.. enough is enough. I actually asked her to leave the past two nights. I 50/50 mean it at this point. I feel like I am being dangled on the end of a hook.

 

Owl she has decided to try and dig deeper and get to the bottom of her issues. While that is encouraging, whether she will really do something about it is to be seen. She agreed to further MC with another therapist. Part of her does want things to work out.

 

So what do you think.. is that enough effort to work on the marriage or not enough at this point?

 

I don't know how to proceed.

[NoneTheWiser]

Surfer: I’ve been following your post from the beginning and wish to let you know you’ve been in my prayers. From what I can read I don’t believe your wife is intentionally treating you like a second prize although it may certainly feel like that. From what I can take from your post is that your wife is unhappy with herself. This unhappiness started way before she left back in November and she is searching for that happiness. She found out that happiness wasn’t in the arms of someone else and now is living with the guilt of hurting you, a person she loves very much which can only add to her unhappiness.

 

Here are some thoughts… You love your wife; you would do anything for her. She in turn loves you, she has said that. Although her words and actions are hurting you, please understand that she doesn’t want to hurt you. You have mentioned that she is without a job and you both have credit card debt which is certainly adding to her unhappiness. A lot of a person’s self-worth and happiness is tied to a job or some type of contribution. Maybe a suggestion, if not a job is some type of meaningful volunteer work. As you are aware once she finds out her source of unhappiness the sooner you both can grow in your relationship.

 

I believe she realizes you’re a great guy, that you have forgiven her for what she has done just let her know that you will always unconditionally be there for her, helping, encouraging and supporting her.

[Surfer203]

NoneTheWiser: I appreciate your prayers and diligence following this thread.

 

I think you are spot on.. that is part of it. She has long term guilt about things she did as a teenager and clearly about what she recently did to our marriage. I know she is searching to make peace with everything bad that has happened.

 

The job thing could be an issue too, she volunteered for big brother/big sister but they have not matched her with a kid yet. So she is trying, she was really into her art and jewelry but lost passion for it a few months back and I noticed her mood shifting in that time too. Maybe it is all linked, maybe we are too early on and she needs to keep living life before deciding her future.

 

I am 100% there for her, always have been. I hope it is enough to keep her around while she sorts herself out. I am willing to wait IF I see progress. If she does not work towards it, I can't stand by and wait in misery. That is reasonable I think.

 

Again thanks for the kind words, they are encouraging and positive.

[Owl]

So what do you think.. is that enough effort to work on the marriage or not enough at this point?

I don't know how to proceed.

 

Only you can decide that, my friend. You're the only one who knows what your thresholds are...at what point you decide enough is enough.

 

As far as how to proceed...that only starts once you make a decision. Decide what your next step is...keep working at it, or calling it done...and then plan out how you reach that goal.

 

For me...I made it clear to my wife that she had to make that choice early on...and I accepted NO going back and forth on her decision. I made it clear...and it's still clear...either she's in, and I'm in...or we're out.

 

We're both still very committed to our marriage. So it works good for us.

 

But for you...she's not going to do any real work to rebuild the marriage until she truly decides that she's going to remain married. Otherwise, she's going to hedge her bets and withold from truly investing any effort into the relationship...as you've seen up to this point.

[Surfer203]

Owl: I think you are right. I don't have my hopes up. I will give it a bit more time to see if she is taking any steps. If not I will cut her loose. Just don't know yet.

 

Communications with her today have existed.. she texted me after she got up. We went back and forth for 10 minutes and both apologized for last nights again.. she is running some errands today, nothing important. She said she would be cleaning the house today and asked if I needed her to do anything?

 

What's weird is.. we discussed last night that she had not cooked or cleaned in a long time. Last night when I got home from work she was cleaning up a bit - offered to make me dinner.

 

It was weird.. compensating for hurting me? Or starting to realize she is freeloading or guilt or what? Something to read in to?