How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Could be man, could be making a small effort to change. I hope so.

 

Yeah, I am willing to stick it out for the time being but that will eventually end.

 

Today her communications with me have been very...hmmm.. lacking in emotion. Which may be my fault.. I told her not to pretend, don't act extra chipper and sweet to me unless you are feeling. Stop pretending that everything is good right now. So, getting very cold responses from her.. but the cleaning - hey now, lucky guy over here!

 

Puzzling though.

[debtman]

surfer203,

 

Remember back when she told you things were over? Remember when she decided to come back? Remember what you were doing when she made that decision?

 

I think the BEST thing you can do for yourself is go back to the 180. Focus on yourself, focus on what you need to do to make YOU happy. Tell her you love her, but, remember that it's more important that you love yourself and, if you, she may see how great you are and decide to come along for the ride...or she may not. Either way, you will come out a more confident, happy and satisfied person.

 

Nothing wrong with loving someone else with your whole heart...as long as you love yourself the same way. YOU are the most important thing in your life. That is the ONE thing you can always count on.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[worldgonewrong]

as ever, debtman speaks the truth.

[Surfer203]

debtman: I do remember all of that, how could one forget?! haha

 

I am thinking 180 is the way to go as well. Going to try and toughen up, get myself out of this funk and be happy. After all, I have some friends that care, a family who loves me, I've got my health, I'm young, talented musician and fine artist. Time to focus on some things in my life other than my wife for a bit while she sorts her own life out.

 

I hear you man.

[Surfer203]

wgw: Yeah..debtman has come a long way. Proud of him, always good advice too.

[Surfer203]

I am hurting so badly. This feels worse than last time.. maybe I just forgot how bad it was? I don't know how to get my head off of this.

 

My wife texts me again because she has a UTI that didn't go away and needs to go get more antibiotics.. after what happened in the past 2 days she still feels the need to update me.. why does she still feel the need to update me if she is basically giving up on me.

 

She is confusing. Life is confusing.

[debtman]

All you can do is focus on yourself. Look back through your posts. See when you were at your lowest. See how you pulled yourself back up, by concentrating on yourself.

 

You seem to be waiting for her to 'validate' who you are. Don't ever rely on someone else to do that for you. I know I won't. And no one needs that and no one wants to be with someone who needs that.

 

You've got a few things working for you as far as your relationship goes. Don't sabotage those by showing her who she doesn't want to be with.

 

Nothing hurts as bad as being told it just 'won't work' by someone you love who also claims to love you, BUT nothing feels better than being confident and proud of who and what you are and there is nothing more attractive to others.

 

Good luck and keep posting!!

[Surfer203]

debtman: Thanks again. A few questions to clarify your last post to me.

 

I don't think I am looking to her for validation.. I am looking to her to wake up and sort her head out and not just discard because she is having personal issues right now that she does not want to be involved while fixing. Looking for her to be my normal wife again.

 

What do we have working for us in our relationship as of now? I can't think of much.

 

I do agree that I need to be the person she wants me to be. Really have to snap out of this. What sucks is I can't talk to any one about this yet. My brother has his birthday today and my Mom has her birthday on Sunday.. and I don't want to spoil it for either of them with my problems. I speak to my parents and brothers mostly about my issues and it sucks that I can't really do that right now. Don't want to involve friends at this point yet before anything is actually decided on. We share some mutual friends.

[debtman]

I don't think I am looking to her for validation.. I am looking to her to wake up and sort her head out and not just discard because she is having personal issues right now that she does not want to be involved while fixing.

 

I guess what I meant is that you seem to be defining much of yourself based on your relationship and she is in complete control of that at this point. I don't think you're waiting on her validation (even though I wrote that), but I do think you're putting a lot of weight on the relationship, which is out of your control now. It may be the hardest thing to do, having been in a relationship for so long, but you need to start to identify yourself regardless of the relationship...hope that makes more sense.

 

What do we have working for us in our relationship as of now? I can't think of much.

 

Maybe only one thing, but maybe the most important thing...communication. She may not be communicating clearly, but at least she seems willing to communicate. You just need to focus on yourself, and on not letting her indecision control your reaction. Listen but don't react. Tell her you support her and trust her to make the right decision, but don't get angry. Yeah, I know, easier said than done...and it won't do anything for your mental health, but it's the best thing you can do for the relationship.

 

 

What sucks is I can't talk to any one about this yet. My brother has his birthday today and my Mom has her birthday on Sunday.. and I don't want to spoil it for either of them with my problems. I speak to my parents and brothers mostly about my issues and it sucks that I can't really do that right now.

 

They're your family. They're there for you. They won't mind lending an ear, regardless of any upcoming holidays/celebrations.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Surfer203]

debtman: Understood.. I have lost myself in our relationship and so has she. That is why we have been trying get out with our own friends and do more things indepently. I get it though.

 

Communication is something we have, we are talking and only since last night has she been completley truthful with me. It is good, it's a start. It means she has enough respect for me to tell me the truth.

 

Family.. honestly, I may just wait until next week to talk to them about it. Don't want to ruin their special days.

 

_____________________

 

Something interesting just happened... She has to go back in to see the Doctor to get another prescription.. a friend of hers is back in town from Texas for the weekend and all her other friends are meeting for dinner and stuff. She asked me if it was okay if she went.

 

Seriously?! An indepent woman wants to split from her husband and blah blah blah is still asking me for permission? There is SOMETHING to that.. I am not quite sure what though. She is still thinking about my feelings.

 

We both apologized again and agreed the fight got out of control last night. Going to have a talk again soon, but more calmly.. and I told her I will try to mellow myself out.

 

Are you sensing any hope for us?

[Owl]

It doesn't sound to me like she's decided what she wants still.

 

Tell her that she's sending conflicting messages...and tell her that you're not OK with her confusion.

 

If she doesn't know what she wants...then apparently her "want" for you isn't enough to make a difference.

 

I wasn't cool with waiting for long for my wife to decide whether or not she wanted to be with me...in fact, that phase in our 'recovery timeline' was about 3 weeks total, from d-day to her final choice on where to be.

 

And that occurred because I told her I wouldn't wait forever, and if she couldn't decide soon I was going to decide for the both of us.

[Surfer203]

Owl: I think you are right. No clue on what she really wants. If she was sure it was over she would have cut the cord - she had many opportunities to do so.. starting back in October when this whole circus began.

 

I am going to try and drill some of the points in to her next time we have a talk. If she leaves me I see a repeat of her coming back to me, sad, missing me, etc. etc. the only difference is I won't take her back a second time.

 

Issue here is my wife has some problems that she claims needs to be worked out before we could have a normal relationship.

 

I don't know I am just so flustered, why did she ask me for permission. Does she think I will get angry and do something stupid? Or is it a respect thing?

[NoneTheWiser]

Surfer: Of course you have no clue on what she wants because she has no clue on what she wants. She does know that she wants to try and work thing out with you. This is where you need to help her figure out what she wants, not by giving her ultimatums or time lines but rather by listening to her, let her feel free to express her thoughts and feelings without judgment and by giving her positive encouragement while she is working through whatever issues she might have.

 

Please don’t try to drill points into her the next time you talk, it would come across like a parent scolding a child and no spouse wants to be treated as a child.

 

She cares deeply for you, she has texted you throughout the day keeping you informed of events. It’s not because she wants to play games with you, she just wants to try to stay connected with you.

 

As far as asking to go out with a friend(s); that sounds like she is still concerned about your trust in her. My suggestion would be to thank her for asking and encourage her to go and have a great time!

 

From what I have read, my sense is there is GREAT GREAT hope for your both!

[Surfer203]

NoneTheWiser: Thanks pal. Will try to be more easy going and listen more.. I certainly need to stop lecturing and trying to persuade her. Stupid me.

 

I know she cares about me.. no matter what happens she does. I told her she didn't need to ask me about going out and I had no problem with it.

 

I think there is something to all of this kind of stuff but maybe I am completely out of my mind.

[jstobo]

NoneTheWiser: Thanks pal. Will try to be more easy going and listen more.. I certainly need to stop lecturing and trying to persuade her. Stupid me.

 

I know she cares about me.. no matter what happens she does. I told her she didn't need to ask me about going out and I had no problem with it.

 

I think there is something to all of this kind of stuff but maybe I am completely out of my mind.

 

I think I've read enough of your posts to understand what is going on and be able to comment. She could have been simply asking to see what your reaction would be. To see if you would flip out, be OK with it, or get passive aggressive. I know my stbx has done those kind of things to me.

[GorillaTheater]

I think I've read enough of your posts to understand what is going on and be able to comment. She could have been simply asking to see what your reaction would be. To see if you would flip out, be OK with it, or get passive aggressive. I know my stbx has done those kind of things to me.

 

Good point. Otherwise known as "fitness tests" or "sh*t tests". Pretty common stuff; my wife used to do this all the time. You pass by keeping calm and ideally passing it off with humor.

[BlindRage]

I think I've read enough of your posts to understand what is going on and be able to comment. She could have been simply asking to see what your reaction would be. To see if you would flip out, be OK with it, or get passive aggressive. I know my stbx has done those kind of things to me.

 

This sounds really accurate. Many people do those types of things in order to see what reaction they can get. Think before you speak with your wife.

[Surfer203]

So.. if it is a test.. what is the goal? What does my reaction tell her? I think I played it cool personally. Thanks for the thoughts.

[Surfer203]

So, more checking in. When she does now she uses my full name.. no more, babe, hun, etc. I did of course ask her to stop acting like that unless she means it fully. However, she does check in frequently enough.. I asked when she would be home tonight and I may be in bed by the time she gets home or maybe not depends. I said "So I guess I'm not going to see you tonight then?" she goes.. "maybe not, unless that's a problem?" She is really trying to comfort me and do what I want.. I can see that. I am still just so confused.. so much over analyzing, I feel like my head is going to explode. I thought about calling a suicide hotline just to chat. I am not suicidal but have thought about it several times briefly. Just want some one to talk to for real. Can't talk to my family or friends YET.

[Steen719]

So, more checking in. When she does now she uses my full name.. no more, babe, hun, etc. I did of course ask her to stop acting like that unless she means it fully. However, she does check in frequently enough.. I asked when she would be home tonight and I may be in bed by the time she gets home or maybe not depends. I said "So I guess I'm not going to see you tonight then?" she goes.. "maybe not, unless that's a problem?" She is really trying to comfort me and do what I want.. I can see that. I am still just so confused.. so much over analyzing, I feel like my head is going to explode. I thought about calling a suicide hotline just to chat. I am not suicidal but have thought about it several times briefly. Just want some one to talk to for real. Can't talk to my family or friends YET.

 

Hey Surfer,

I was going to read all of what is happened but there are 74 pages!!! Don't despair, though. I am in a mess, too, but I actually have been through a divorce before when I was younger and had no children. I never thought I could hurt so bad and I can clearly remember that I called my brother and just cried for an hour. He just kept telling me that it would get better and I kept asking "when?" Well, it did, I promise. Limbo is the worst and just from what you have said, that is where you are. Don't you have a friend who you can trust to talk to? I don't know why you can't talk to anyone (because, again...74 pages and I am off to bed), but do find someone to talk to. Get things straight for yourself. No matter how much it hurts, you will feel better, I promise. Or come here and talk. I'll check on you tomorrow morning, OK? Be safe.

[debtman]

surfer, i'd be glad to talk anytime...i'll pm you my # and you can call to chat whenever you need. I know I leaned on my friends and tugged on their ears many times and I feel I have some understanding of your situation based on your posts...

[Steadfast]

I clearly recall the 'name' phase. Exwife didn't use my name unless she was angry. That angry vibe still comes across. I still hate it.

 

It may not seem like it, but you're in a better place now than when you were in limbo...waiting...wondering. Regardless of what happens between you two, you needed to break free of that. Never go back. Don't go back.

 

These two things helped me break free from my dependency of her:

 

-I released all my animosity and prayed for her nightly. In my mind I pictured me turning her over to God. Letting go, giving it to Him. I did this night after night, over and over for many months. Prayer is powerful.

 

-I embraced the rejection...I took it, like medicine. I allowed it to humble me. Once beaten, that painful rejection turned into a strength because it was what I feared most. Humility is critical for profound, lasting happiness.

 

Dig down deep and realize your deepest fear surfer, then defeat it. You can do it...the power is inside all of us. In the meantime, find a local friend. You need that now. One day at a time. The light at the end just appeared-

[Surfer203]

Thanks all for the comments. Trying to keep it together. Fell asleep early on the couch - wife kept checking in and telling me her plans. I was okay until I rolled over and she still was not home, it was 1:30 - I knew she would be out but not THAT late. So, I sent her text to call me as soon as she could.

 

She ended up leaving around 2 and heading home but not before I get nasty. Not screaming or anything but I told her I was upset because of how depressed I am and how late she was out, thought it was inconsiderate, I thought she would not be that late and kind of got annoyed. She explained it away and apologized. She did come home and kiss me good night but I could tell she was annoyed. Late at night I get irrational in my conversations/arguments.

 

None the less, the updates continued until she got home. It was kind of bad for me.. one hand I was nice and was fine with her going out, on the other hand I lost my cool and was rude to her. Not so good.

 

Let's see how today goes, at least it is Friday and I will have a couple days off to be home and try and get my head together with out the burden of my job. I am going to keep an eye on things and just observe. We will see what today holds.

[Surfer203]

Even after I threw a hissy fit.. she still sent a couple of update texts on her way home. I don't know.. I am losing my mind. May take a week off of work soon - not sure yet.

[Steen719]

Good morning, Surfer. Maybe today, you can be proactive! You need to go do something you enjoy for yourself. Can you call a friend, go out to dinner or do something you enjoy? Call Debtman who offered to talk to you. You must do something for yourself and find some inner strength and power. Steadfast is correct...we all have that power within us. I'll read more of your situation today when I can.