How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

I know what you mean about getting pregnant.. but that is not her goal at the moment. So it is very confusing.

 

Her parents can't help her - they are having a tough financial time currently and generally always are. So.. that's too bad.

 

I really do need to ask her some of these questions. Prior to this any baby comments were to "make me happy" - she wanted to have a baby because "I deserved it" or she felt so bad about what happened that she wanted to make me happy. A person who does not want to be with some one would not do that, plain and simple.

 

I think she is very emotionally immature - I don't know man, this will be an interesting weekend. Going to try and do my own thing and clear my head.

 

Thanks Owl - you are the best.

[Surfer203]

NoneTheWiser: I try to be optimistic and I like that about your comment, they are really are positive. I don't really know if she really wants all those things with me or whether she is going through the motions or whatever.

 

I am with you on the social interaction and all of that - it makes perfect sense and all of the other stuff.. decorating, children, etc. There is SOME indication that she wants to be with me.

 

Now.. she did say that odds for us don't look great at this point but she is struggling with a lot of her own issues that may be clouding her view point. Who knows? On the other hand she did say she loves me and would give more therapy a shot. Really working on her own issues.

[Steen719]

Why would she make plans for so far in advance and not expect to be here.

 

Also, what the F gives with the pregnancy stuff.

 

I am losing my mind.

 

Surfer,

I am a woman and I have some thoughts about your wife's behavior. First of all, if either of you is a psychopath, my guess is it is her, not you. She is playing you like a Georgia fiddle and she knows how to do exactly what to do to keep you crazy. You have to do something about this or you will lose your mind. You need to tell her that it is time to make some difficult decisions. You need to make those decisions if she cannot make those with you and stick to them. I am not saying this to be mean, but you need some perspective and it seems that if you are staying there, allowing her to take your self-worth away, she will do this and you will be left devastated. TODAY, MAKE YOURSELF A PRIORITY. Someone in this forum has a line after their signature that is priceless to me and it is something like "Never make someone a priority who considers you an option". That is good advice and it seems as if you are an option to her.

 

I feel odd telling you this because I do not know you, but I believe that if you want to start feeling better, you had better put that foot on the floor and start walking towards a better place in your heart and your head.

 

The "pregnancy stuff" is crazy, desperation talk. Tell her that is not even an option on the table.

 

Be strong...find it in yourself to do this, stick with it and do not waiver. DO NOT WAIVER!

[robf1971]

She does not work and does not do s*** around the house.

 

how about

 

" Wife, you not pulling your weight financially and leaving the house to go to rack and ruin makes me feel disrespected, it's not OK" then hand her the f'ing vacuum cleaner.

[Surfer203]

Thanks Steen719 - I KNOW you are right. I have to step up and be a man. I am being abused here.. it is so unfair. Mind games and being strung along - probably used for my money, home and stability. I just can't break it off. Why can't I step up and be a man?

 

We are not currently trying to have a baby, yet she still tests her basal temperature every day.. trying to map her cycle. I don't get it. She knows the pregnancy thing is not happening. She is not pushing for it anymore, those days are gone.

[Surfer203]

robf.. hahaha I like that! She was vacuuming today actually.. first time in months. Ridiculous. Why should I live the office slave life style while she does whatever she wants and does not have to do s***?!

[Steen719]

Thanks Steen719 - I KNOW you are right. I have to step up and be a man. I am being abused here.. it is so unfair. Mind games and being strung along - probably used for my money, home and stability. I just can't break it off. Why can't I step up and be a man?

 

We are not currently trying to have a baby, yet she still tests her basal temperature every day.. trying to map her cycle. I don't get it. She knows the pregnancy thing is not happening. She is not pushing for it anymore, those days are gone.

 

WAIT, WAIT, you are a man! You are a fine man from what I have read. You are heartbroken and all of us do things we know are not good for us. You know what you need to do and you can do it. If it takes doing them in increments, do that. Do one positive thing a day. Start today and by Monday, you will have three positive things done. One thing today, Surfer, one thing!

[Surfer203]

That's a good idea.. I think I will try that. Thanks for the ego boost. haha

[robf1971]

robf.. hahaha I like that! She was vacuuming today actually.. first time in months. Ridiculous. Why should I live the office slave life style while she does whatever she wants and does not have to do s***?!

 

IMO Owls post about her respecting you is spot on, right at the moment she has lost some respect for you. Way back when she was cheating on you and you got her back it was because you gained respect back.

 

My wife and I are reconciled but it doesn't mean the same doesn't apply. The other day she started speaking to me in a nasty tone of voice because I couldn't find something in the fridge. I told her " Talk to me in that tone of voice and you can do it yourself, and I left the fridge door open and sat back down" Then she went and go it herself, she was in a mini huff for 2 minutes, then was all sweet apologetic and nice.

 

I swear they do it to test you. IMO you are allowing her to walk all over you.

[Surfer203]

robf: I am confused as to HOW I lost her respect though. I agree though, when I stepped up before and told her we are done and I stopped talking to her she realized she made a mistake and came back 2 weeks later.

 

Now.. this time I have no clue what I did wrong. How can I command more respect from her with out seeming like a mean person?

[Steadfast]

Remember, everyone on this site is providing you advice they believe is helpful. Be aware they are looking at your problem through the paradigms of their own life. What worked from them in their relationship might be poison to your relationship.

 

I know you're only trying to help, but speak for yourself. I can assure both you and Surfer that I'm only responding to his words. Still, the parallels in failed relationships are remarkable...in time, it's as if you know what's going to happen next. When this is proven repeatedly some confidence is gained. Just the same and point taken; one size does not fit all.

 

Owl: My main point is a women's love isn't based on what you do for her, it's how she feels about you. Attraction can't be bought or bargained for. In fact, that's a sure-fire way of killing it, IMO.

 

robf: I am confused as to HOW I lost her respect...Now.. this time I have no clue what I did wrong. How can I command more respect from her with out seeming like a mean person?

 

Hope Rob doesn't mind if I jump in here.

 

Surfer, please know -again- that what I'm writing as advice is based solely on the picture you painted with you words. The following is based on your truthful, accurate portrayal of what is happening in your marriage. If you have not been truthful than this is all moot and a waste of time. Be sure.

 

IMO, your biggest failing has been enabling her. She's spoiled and, far as I can tell, has suffered little if any for her cheating actions. You have kissed her ass since all this came down but I can't fault you. As I see it, your options were few. You've done your level, honest best to restore and reconcile your marriage.

 

Time for the hard stuff.

 

She cheated Surfer. Farked another dude and as I recall actually lived with him for a time. From that point on, if she were really serious about restoring the relationship she would have pulled most of the load to keep you...but its been the other way around. You've been trying to keep her.

 

Now, if I read correctly she remains 'undecided' and if offering you no guarantee that it won't happen again. While you clean house, worry, work and basically self analyze to the point of exhaustion.

 

Put her out. Put her out of the house and do not let her back in until she says "I'm sorry, I love you and I'll do anything to repair our marriage". Unless and until she says that or something similar, you have nothing. The next condition is for you to believe it, but her sincerity can only be proven by her actions. Not polishing your apple, playing house and dropping hints.

 

Put her out, file for divorce and move on. Put the problem outside the door.

 

Owl, Rob, W_N, debtman...all; great job helping Surfer. You're awesome-

Edited June 4, 2011 by Steadfast

[robf1971]

 

IMO, your biggest failing has been enabling her. She's spoiled and, far as I can tell, has suffered little if any for her cheating actions. You have kissed her ass since all this came down but I can't fault you. As I see it, your options were few. You've done your level, honest best to restore and reconcile your marriage.

 

Bingo,

 

Totally right, as for kicking her to the kerb right now thats for you to decide. Human nature is to take the path of least resistance, heck we all do it. Your wife is doing it right now.

 

No nastiness needed,

 

"Wife I feel very disrepected that you're making no effort to find a job, I need you to pull your weight financially and domestically more otherwise I don't feel that this relationship can continue"

 

Then hand her the classified section of the local paper and the phone

[Mz. Pixie]

Surfer...you need to identify your boundary, explain it to her, and enforce it.

 

Staying out to 1:30 am is unacceptable in a marriage. It's unacceptable in anyone who's attempting to reconcile their marriage.

 

You need to basically tell her that she needs to 100% commit to a course of action. Reconciliation, or divorce.

 

If she can't...then that's an answer in its own.

 

Once she does decide (or makes her choice by default), her actions need to reflect her choices.

 

If she can't do that...that's a choice.

 

You need to tell her what you want/need from her to make this work. If she refuses to meet those needs...there's your answer.

 

There's no need for confusion on your part.

 

Make sense?

 

Surfer- these posters are all giving you good advice but you are spinning your wheels still because you are so afraid to lose your wife.

 

Hear me-She is already gone. She has cheated on you-came back-doesn't have a job-doesn't do anything to contribute to the household-parties and stays out all night whenever she wants-and doesn't give you anything that you need in the marriage. Already gone. All she is giving you are a few kisses and text messages. You could almost get a stranger to do that.

 

Once you really look at that fact-and face that fear-you won't be paralyzed by it anymore.

 

I truly think that one huge mistake betrayed husbands make is allowing their wives to keep them in limbo way too long. On another board they call it cake eating. Owl made an excellent decision in allowing his wife only three weeks-enough time for her to process-but not enough time for her to put his balls in a jar.

 

Who wouldn't want the setup that your wife has right now???? Hmmmmmm????

 

She is never going to take action because she doesn't have to.

[slowbutSURE]

Surfer,

I am reading these posts and its killing me. First off, SO sorry this BS is raising its ugly head once again.

I am afraid your worst fears are coming to fruition. So much of what you're posting reminds me of my situation and how it played out. It does not end with a happily reconciled marriage I am sorry to say.

Please pay close attention to what many people have to say on here and in particular, Ms. Pixie. Owl is a given but I am so impressed with Ms. Pixie and her ability to be spot on with her observations. IMO, she is SO RIGHT!

Take care man, I am thinking about you and will continue to follow your life as you put it up here.

Eating cake and your balls in a jar! Think about it, please.

[Surfer203]

Well.. thanks everyone.. a lot to address. Let me tell you where we are at...

 

Last night she came home from the gym and I was home after work hanging out. I was very quiet, was giving her an attitude. Then I decided it was not worth it anymore. I began to talk to her, tell her why I was so upset. I tried to dissect our situation and figure out what is going on. To me it seems like total bullsh**. I just feel like I am being fed lies. I keep giving her an opportunity to end it - but it's not happening. She keeps talking about things we are doing a few months down the road. "When we clear up some of this debt maybe I can... or we can..." fill in the blanks. While on the other hand she tells me all of my reasoning is done to make myself feel better or figure out what is going on.

 

I personally think I have been spot on with most of it. Anyway, I am not quite as sad today. We got along a bit.. no big fight which was a good change of pace. She went to get a hair cut just now and came in to where I was and kissed me goodbye.

 

Seriously.. this is so stressful. Last night I spoke to debtman briefly on the phone - awesome guy! He told me to give her rope.. either she will pull herself in with it or she will hang herself with it. I like that.. I am going to try and be more hands off. Not smother her, let her do what she wants, I am almost in a place where I don't care anymore. Still.. I am going to be a man and her husband. Assert my needs and my wants, if she does not see me eye to eye with them that is too bad for her. She will never find some one who treats her nearly as good - I am certain of that.

 

If any one hear doubts that I am being truthful with my description of things, you can be assured that I am being completely honest.. I update this thread constantly as it happens some times in real-time. haha It is a sad soap opera we have going. Full of cliche lies and phony feelings, excuses and the like.

 

I am not quite ready to cut the cord yet..trying to compose myself first and then act or react. Taking my "balls" back. No more puppy dog whatever you want, I will speak my needs and assert myself.

 

Guys/Gals -thanks for your advice please, keep it coming - I will keep updating this as things progress.

 

Anyway, I am out today to be with some friends - going down to the city to skateboard a bit and grab some dinner. Act like we are in our teenage years again.

[Surfer203]

We also addressed the work thing, she is going to start trying to find work. At least part time to get started.. whatever she can get. Has to be a good job though and pay more than her unemployment for it to matter at this time though. One of her instructors at the gym has offered her some Zumba classes to instruct and she may find some other work to fill in the cracks in addition to selling her jewelry art. We'll see.. I don't have high hopes.. no point to get my hopes up I've learned.

 

Time to have a nice day with out her.

[Steen719]

Two good things! One, last night you talked to Debtman and today, you are out with friends for fun and dinner. Good for you. Both things are positive things and they are for you! Have fun being a teenager. Wow, and we thought those days were hard..ha ha

[Mz. Pixie]

Surfer,

I am reading these posts and its killing me. First off, SO sorry this BS is raising its ugly head once again.

I am afraid your worst fears are coming to fruition. So much of what you're posting reminds me of my situation and how it played out. It does not end with a happily reconciled marriage I am sorry to say.

Please pay close attention to what many people have to say on here and in particular, Ms. Pixie. Owl is a given but I am so impressed with Ms. Pixie and her ability to be spot on with her observations. IMO, she is SO RIGHT!

Take care man, I am thinking about you and will continue to follow your life as you put it up here.

Eating cake and your balls in a jar! Think about it, please.

 

Thanks slow. I've posted here a while and on some other boards too. I have read alot about infidelity and relationships. Then you add in the fact that I was the walk away wife once. I didn't even read his entire thread either- just the last ten pages or so.

 

Surfer apparently didn't pay much attention to what I said in my post at all. I am not sure where the part came from about someone not thinking you're being truthful in the posts-but I never said that.

 

Surfer-bringing up this subject and how miserable you are everytime your wife lays eyes on you is not going to help. Inside I can tell you what she thinks when this happens "Oh, no- here we go again- cringe-why does he keep talking about this?" Because she doesn't want to-it interrupts what she really wants to do-which is continue to eat cake. So, then afterwards, she comes over and throws you a little prize- ie the kiss- to keep you on the string. That is how the pattern plays out.

 

Question-if you guys are so in debt- and she's not working-how can she afford a gym membership and afford to go out all the time? She needs to cancel the gym membership and do an exercise video on TV or better yet burn off some calories cleaning the house since she doesn't have a job. Or burn some calories shagging her husband when he comes home after work to prove how much she wants to save her marriage.

 

I am happy to see that you're out enjoying yourself-that's great. She certainly does enough of that for herself.

 

So that I don't have to read this entire thread could you give me the answers to a few questions so that I may can add a few things later on?

 

What are your ages? How long have you been married? Any children (doesn't seem to be)? How did you discover the affair and how long did it last? First marriage for both?

[coffeeaddict]

I am confused as to HOW I lost her respect though.

 

The answer is in title of the thread, bro. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but I remember reading this thread initially all those months ago. She was moved in with this other guy (a model if memory serves) and you were waiting around for her to announce "her decision" in the form of a phone call. Everybody was trying to tell you that she had no right to do this to you, and you had to stand up for yourself, but you would hear none of it. She was telling you she'd call you telling you "her decision" and then cancelling it and postponing it, while you were in agony.

 

Keep in mind, our progenitors were people who lived together for thousands of generations in a hostile and unforgiving environment. Women relied on men as protectors and providers, to protect them while pregnant, protect children, and provide for a family. A lot of the wiring that draws people together and keeps them together remains very primitive. Women aren't attracted to men who can't stand up to women, because if we can't stand up to women then how can we stand up for women? How can we stand up to the world?

 

I think you lost her respect because you can't stand up to her. It was all about her decision, and it's still all about her. She's doing whatever she wants, without regard for you. You have to do now what you didn't do then, which is stand up for yourself. Nobody else can do it for you bro. Tell her the conditions, set terms, define the course the relationship will take. Give an ultimatum, either she stays and works this thing through on your terms or she leaves. No more wildcatting around town at 1AM, that's a singles game. She can have a social life in the day time.

 

Right now you're at a point where she's doing whatever she wants and you're accepting it because you're afraid of losing her. You're basically at the same point you were all those months ago. There isn't another man in the picture, but the relationship is as lopsided as it was then, and that's not where you want to be. The only way out is to assert yourself and take control of your life, set terms. I think Steadfast, Mz. Pixie, and slowbutsure gave you some solid advice. Good luck, and best wishes for your future happiness.

[Steadfast]

Surfer apparently didn't pay much attention to what I said in my post at all. I am not sure where the part came from about someone not thinking you're being truthful in the posts-but I never said that.

 

That was me, and the reasons varied. First, IMO the advice was dramatic but correct given the circumstances. Second, it might encourage someone just 'browsing' the read more of the thread and last, it was a slight play on the situation. See, I lived through six-weeks of what Surfer is enduring. it felt like 10-times that amount of time. I can't imagine six months of it...

 

No disrespect. I'm not saying he's dishonest. I was making a point.

 

Surfer, most of us have an idea what you're going through.We all work(ed) it out in our own way; with our own timetable. I does seem to me though, at the bottom of everything, that your main motivation is to repair the relationship and keep the woman you love. But, like someone so accurately said, she's been gone for awhile. When this become clear to you, you'll act.

[2.50 a gallon]

My friend Surfer

 

Sorry to read of your latest problems.

 

I have tried to post but alas they are failing to get through, so this might mean several messages.

 

First thought, an old time poster named Gunny, who alas has quit posting was always quick to point out that in any turbulent relationship, the partner that cared the least was the one who set the pace.

 

And I see that happening here.

 

No doubt that you love her, but sometimes we have to detach a little with an attitude of I want you, I love you, and I even need you, but I can live without you.

 

I see you caring too much, if that makes sense. And that is where she is losing her respect for you

 

Prime example is when she made plans to visit her kin folk and you posted that you were afraid she wouldn't come back.

 

Early in my relationship I had a similar problem. Her family lived a days drive away in her old home town, and she wanted to take a weeks vacation with them.

 

This was not good as she was up front that she did not like living in our big city, (too much stress / no pine forests) and she wanted to move back to her small home town to be closer with her family. My worrys were that while she was away she would be seeing her old high school friends, there was always the chance that she might meet and a local guy who could woo her into coming back

 

I never let her know that I had those worrys. Instead I encouraged her to go and spend time with her family and told her to have a good time and get a lot of pictures.

 

In doing so, her parents turned into one of my greatest allys. Her mom especially reminded her of her past failures in relationships and flat told her that I was a keeper and to not let me slip away.

[Mz. Pixie]

Love me some Gunny!!!!!

 

That was also my point in telling him to quit bringing it up to her all the time- as she doesn't want to talk about it and cringes inside everytime she brings it up. It appears needy and whiny. Whereas setting his boundaries firmly letting her know he won't be walked on shows her he is a man she can respect. That's a chance he has to be willing to take because it may or may not work.

 

Part of me suspects that she's at home because she doesn't have a job and can't afford to be on her own now. She can't depend on OM to help her so she's using Surfer to pay the bills while she plays until she is either out of debt enough to get out on her own or until she scouts out another OM to help her out of the situation. That is why she gives him just enough to keep him strung along-but isn't staying at home and working on the marriage.

 

If she truly wanted to make her marriage work-and were afraid of losing Surfer-she would be doing everything in her power to save the marriage. This is not a woman who is trying to do that.

[2.50 a gallon]

Owl is right about the self confidence.

 

We men when looking for a partner tend to first notice and judge a woman on her looks and then her personality. Women, for the most part flip flop these two traits and judge a man on his personality, and quite often his looks, other than his being unclean and unkept, have little to do with her attraction to him.

 

Think about it how many times have you seen an average looking Joe, walking arm and arm with this dynamite hot woman, and you ask yourself, "What does she see in him?"

 

One of the reasons is his self confidence. Self confidence is a major turn on to many women.

 

As an example, I have been friend with a couple for almlost 20 years. She - super hot, pretty face, with eyes most men could just fall into with a single look, great legs, and especially this cute bubble butt. She has a college degree, while he dropped out of school and only has a GED. He is off average height average build and is cursed with a large Gorbechov splot that covers part of his face including one of his eyes.

 

I met her through work, at times she was my assistant, so spent many hours with her and got to know her quite well. She was up front that she was a player and a teaser, and cheated on every guy she dated until she met him. She hung a no vacancy sign on her heart about 15 minutes after meeting him, and they have now been married for over 25 years.

 

What did he have that the rest of us were lacking? Partly it was his splot. He never let it bother him, he is a hard worker and a go getter. But mostly it was his self confidence, she was used to even the pretty boys stammering in trying to meet her. Not him, when they met, he just started talking to her like he had known her all of her life, and before long they were laughing, having a great time, and she no longer noticed his splot.

[robf1971]

She is never going to take action because she doesn't have to.

 

Path of least resistance, and she's taking it. Surfer is letting her

[LifesontheUp]

The point you are missing is that what your wife did is to do with HER not you. It was HER choice, SHE chose to leave you and sleep with an OM for nearly 2 months.

 

You may be passive and mellow or whatever but your WIFE left you and your WIFE has issues.

 

You can change all that you want to but unless SHE fixes what led her to do what SHE did, it won't make a blind bit of difference as SHE is broken and will likely do it again.

 

And finally, I don't think you are being silly. What I am warning you is that from what you have posted your WIFE isn't showing that she is bending over backwards to show you she is willing to work on this and answer any of your questions. There is other stuff which are red flags too

 

Its like they say, don't do the crime if you don't want to do the time.

 

I posted this back in January Surfer. So what changes has your wife made to prove to you how she wants your marriage to work in the last 5/6 months?

 

I agree with Ms Pixie.

 

From what you have posted I'm afraid your wife is using you until something better comes along. Despite your debt, she still hasn't got a job, manages to have nights out and have a fitness club membership?

 

So what contribution is she making Surfer?

Edited June 5, 2011 by LifesontheUp
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