How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Ms. Red]

I can't help but feel like you are the one acting like you cheated. You are walking on egg shells and kissing her ass. I hope that something clicks in you soon so you can start acting like a real man. I don't mean to sound rude but I agree with what everyone is saying. Find your balls dood!

[Ms. Red]

You are right Steadfast. It already has sucked all of the life and energy out of my.. I have not been eating.. skipped dinner the past few nights and I sit around at work like a zombie. It's awful. Have not been to the gym or on my bike for about a week or so. Really disruptive.

 

Honestly.. I don't know if I have it in my to fight for this anymore and if it goes south.. I don't know if I have the energy or strength to fight through a divorce.

 

So drained.

 

If women who are physically abused and leave with children in tow and escape and make it through divorces than you can do it too.

[robf1971]

Personally, if I had no kids and my wife had done what surfer's had done I'd kick her out. However, I respect that he loves his wife, and if he wants her back he needs to put a stop to her crap behaviour.

 

Nothing nasty, no need for him to be a jerk, just say in a nice way step up to the plate, or leave.

[Surfer203]

Whoa, thanks for all of the comments. After this weekend I have decided a few things. Basically, we had a fight every single night/day. It was awful. The fights were about her going out and hanging with friends, not giving me an indication of time she will return. We ironed this out.. I am freaking out when something goes down, this is making the situation worse.

 

I am tired of all of the BS. I am going to do what my friend debtman suggested.. give her rope. What she does with it is her choice. I am trying to not care frankly. That is all I can do at this point, if I care too much I will get hurt again and if I don't care the outcome if bad won't be as hard to deal with. Going to act in a manner that is more non-chalant while still establishing myself as a strong man to her.

 

Another thing I have to avoid is obsessing over it and spending all of my waking hours thinking about her and the situation - totally not productive or worthwhile in any way. Trying to derail my mind a bit, yesterday afternoon I was able to turn around my sour mood and in the afternoon/evening we actually got along pretty well. She even went to a friends for an hour or so in the evening and I didn't have a temper tantrum. I know she feels like she missed out on socializing in our earlier years of marriage, I know what this is all about.

 

She meets with her therapist tonight, which I have a feeling is part of the problem. I think her therapist is leading her elsewhere - away from me. Just my impression.

 

Wish me well.. I have not responded to everyone here but I have read it and have processed it. Thanks for all of the opinions thus far, I will keep posting but for now things are okay.

[Surfer203]

PS... She has decided it is time to find a job. Let's see how this goes.

 

I just work myself up over weird little things you know. Little things that show she cares. She used to put my cereal bowl, juice glass, vitamins etc. out every night before she went to bed so I would be ready to go in the morning. She stopped that for about a month and now she has started doing it again. I know it does not really mean anything but the little things make you think they do, haha. Add in the cleaning of the house and looking for a job. Lots of other little things too.

 

Going to try not to post here quite as frequently. I do realize that I am a psycho - I need a mental vacation I think.

[What_Next]

One theme lately has me wondering Surfer and that is her lack of involvment as far as work and household duties go. Has this always been the case? Honestly I am not sure how you put up with that. The job thing, sure there are a million reasons why she might not be currently employed, but unless they are health related she should be handling her share of the household duties and then some.

 

Don't get me wrong I'm not the cave man type that demands my wife cook and clean for me, hell if I tried that she'd bonk me in the head with a frying pain, but if she is not gainfully employed then she should be AT LEAST maintaining a clean house.

 

Also, this going out with friends stuff until the wee hours of the morning, um NO, HELL NO. Not acceptable. Even in a healthy marriage this sort of behavior is like stirring up a hornet's nest.

 

Happy to hear that you sort of put your foot down, but my friend I believe you need to have done that a long time ago and you might be just in for quite the fight to change her behavior.

 

In either case, stay the course.

[worldgonewrong]

She meets with her therapist tonight, which I have a feeling is part of the problem. I think her therapist is leading her elsewhere - away from me. Just my impression.

 

That's what my wife's therapist was like.

When wife & I finally did a joint therapy session, I outright asked the therapist, "Am I just sitting here so you can rubber-stamp and validate everything that she says in regards to me?"

Probably didn't help my case! :laugh:

[LifesontheUp]

PS... She has decided it is time to find a job. Let's see how this goes.

 

I just work myself up over weird little things you know. Little things that show she cares. She used to put my cereal bowl, juice glass, vitamins etc. out every night before she went to bed so I would be ready to go in the morning. She stopped that for about a month and now she has started doing it again. I know it does not really mean anything but the little things make you think they do, haha. Add in the cleaning of the house and looking for a job. Lots of other little things too.

 

Going to try not to post here quite as frequently. I do realize that I am a psycho - I need a mental vacation I think.

 

One of the biggest trigger factors for you is the going out and seeing friends and her not giving you the respect as her husband to let you know when she will be home. And you have to have a fight to iron it out

 

Sorry Surfer, but you are the one trying to tip toe around her and SHE had the affair. She isn't doing her best to get your marriage on track, she is walking all over you and you are letting her.

 

I don't think you are psycho, I think you are too nice and scared of losing your wife. Her affair and subsequent behaviour is taking its toll on you.

 

I know perhaps I've come across as harsh the last few times, but I really cannot believe that you have been here all this time and are still putting up with it all.

 

Honestly, I pray that you wake up to your wifes selfish behaviour before you hit rock bottom.

[debtman]

surfer,

 

Hard to take a mental break in this situation as it tends to absorb your thoughts and it's difficult to distract yourself from it...

 

Good news that she's looking for a job (or at least talking about it) and being more proactive in the relationship. Sounds like she's still undecided, which is too bad. Her loss. One thing for sure, YOU can't be undecided about yourself. Get back to working on yourself. Get out, get active, boost your self-confidence. You have no idea how many great women there are out there looking for a good, stable, loving, supportive guy. Hopefully you won't have to find that out, but, be sure, no matter what your wife decides, YOU will be fine. Start working towards that.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

If we could divide the world by those who believe in reconcilation and those who do not, I would be placed in the latter.

 

Having said that I am of the opinion that yours can still be saved, but you are going to have to work on yourself.

 

First there are two sides to every story. Understand that she is hurting too.

 

From about age 21 on, I was a major pussy hound. I could find no girl that held my interest for more than a month or two, in fact I prefered that they became a FWB's number in my black book.

 

That is until about age 25 when I started dating this really sweet nurse. We almost became exclusive, in that I hardly ever cheated on her. The major obstacle was her job, she was the head nurse in the cancer wing. As most couples do, when she came home from work she wanted to talk about her day. Her day usually saw one of her patients passing. To be honest I quickly got tired of hearing, "Poor Mrs. So&so is back and I am afraid she only has a week at the most."

 

I was still a young man and I did not want to hear about death every day, so I ran. That is when the guilt hit me. I had just terribly hurt one of the nicest creatures that God had ever created. She had one of the sweetest kindest hearts that I had ever met, and by my actions I had colored it black

 

As I was killing that relationship I met my ex fiance. She was a classic beauty, with the face of Sophia Loren. All of my buddys were stunned that I had totally won this beautys heart. Oh and she loved me with every ounce of her body. There was nothing that she would do for me. I was her man. To this day I have never been loved like that.

 

After about a year together I discovered that I had a commitment problem. Half of me knew that I wanted to share the rest of my life with her, while the other half resented me giving up my player days. She actually insisted that I give up on all of the women in the world just for her. I so badly wanted to tear myself in half, and let half of me spend the rest of my life with her, and the other half go back to my player days.

 

Another thought was why now, why couldn't she have come along later in my life when I was in my 30's

 

She caught me cheating but forgave me. Again the guilt, I know that I hurt her, but in truth I had hurt myself and then seeing how badly my actions had hurt her just tore me up. We reconciled when she forgave me, but I found it difficult to forgive myself. I began wondering how could I have hurt such a wonderful loving creature? How can she ever trust me again? The truth is after what I did, I did not deserve her

 

These questions eventually led to me pulling away, while she tried to bring us back together.

 

My fear of committment just got bigger, I truthfully I felt that I no longer deserved her. It got so bad that I eventually developed a bad case of panic attacks. I was an adult so my parents could no longer spank me, she couldn't spank me, so I spanked myself.

 

Guilt can be terrible and hurt just as bad as when I caught my wife cheatning

Edited June 6, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon

[Surfer203]

I am just going to keep on keeping on.

 

That is all I can do. I am not a quitter, I am not a bad person.

 

You mention hitting rock bottom, I think I have already done that in terms of the depression I have had lately and the way I have been acting towards my wife. Time to knock it off and get back on track. I have not been acting like myself and that's surely not helping our situation.

 

The little things my wife exhibits do give me some hope but I have decided not to put all of my energy into waiting and hoping. Just going to let things unfold and try not to be such a worrier.

[Lexygirl]

Surfer

 

If we could divide the world by those who believe in reconcilation and those who do not, I would be placed in the latter.

 

Having said that I am of the opinion that yours can still be saved, but you are going to have to work on yourself.

 

First there are two sides to every story. Understand that she is hurting too.

 

From about age 21 on, I was a major pussy hound. I could find no girl that held my interest for more than a month or two, in fact I prefered that they became a FWB's number in my black book.

 

That is until about age 25 when I started dating this really sweet nurse. We almost became exclusive, in that I hardly ever cheated on her. The major obstacle was her job, she was the head nurse in the cancer wing. As most couples do, when she came home from work she wanted to talk about her day. Her day usually saw one of her patients passing. To be honest I quickly got tired of hearing, "Poor Mrs. So&so is back and I am afraid she only has a week at the most."

 

I was still a young man and I did not want to hear about death every day, so I ran. That is when the guilt hit me. I had just terribly hurt one of the nicest creatures that God had ever created. She had one of the sweetest kindest hearts that I had ever met, and by my actions I had colored it black

 

As I was killing that relationship I met my ex fiance. She was a classic beauty, with the face of Sophia Loren. All of my buddys were stunned that I had totally won this beautys heart. Oh and she loved me with every ounce of her body. There was nothing that she would do for me. I was her man. To this day I have never been loved like that.

 

After about a year together I discovered that I had a commitment problem. Half of me knew that I wanted to share the rest of my life with her, while the other half resented me giving up my player days. She actually insisted that I give up on all of the women in the world just for her. I so badly wanted to tear myself in half, and let half of me spend the rest of my life with her, and the other half go back to my player days.

 

Another thought was why now, why couldn't she have come along later in my life when I was in my 30's

 

She caught me cheating but forgave me. Again the guilt, I know that I hurt her, but in truth I had hurt myself and then seeing how badly my actions had hurt her just tore me up. We reconciled when she forgave me, but I found it difficult to forgive myself. I began wondering how could I have hurt such a wonderful loving creature? How can she ever trust me again? The truth is after what I did, I did not deserve her

 

These questions eventually led to me pulling away, while she tried to bring us back together.

 

My fear of committment just got bigger, I truthfully I felt that I no longer deserved her. It got so bad that I eventually developed a bad case of panic attacks. I was an adult so my parents could no longer spank me, she couldn't spank me, so I spanked myself.

 

Guilt can be terrible and hurt just as bad as when I caught my wife cheatning

 

^^ This brought tears to my eyes and hit home so much for me, 2.50 a gallon. Thank you so much for sharing that. It speaks to me as I struggle with my own life situation and issues. Thanks.

[Surfer203]

If my wife feels like she does not deserve, which I think may be the case... I want her to realize I think she is worth the effort and the hard work to trust her again and make things good again.

 

I have tried to explain it to her but she feels enormous guilt and shame for what she did. Now there is tension based on my comfort level of her going out and socializing. She knows that it is completely her fault and she has apologized for it.

[What_Next]

Surfer I am very happy you believe that to be the case. In fact I am sure it is.

 

However, I will caution you that in the aftermath of an affair words mean little to nothing, actions mean everything. Your wifes actions leave a lot to be desired. I am not trying to be mr. negative, only pointing out my perspective on things.

[Surfer203]

WN: I know man, I know. Subtle actions so far. Nothing dramatic, with all the fighting and tension though I would so the outlook is grim at best. She actually told me yesterday that she dreads me coming home from work because of how much we have been fighting lately. Regardless of if we stay together or not, that is NOT the kind of person I am or want to be. Time to wake up and get my act together.

[Surfer203]

SUPER MEGA HUGE GIGANTIC UPDATE: My wife just offered to mow the lawn. What do you guys take from this offer? Haha.

[What_Next]

Time to wake up and get my act together.

 

 

Umm You're not the only 1 my friend. So does your wife.

 

You have quite low self esteem right now, it bleeds through your posts. Just as the needy side of you does. That is NOT something you want to be showing right now. You need to go back to holding your cards a little closer to your chest.

 

You 2 don't have children and that changes the dynamic MASSIVELY. Youl should be diong some things for YOU right now, also to keep her guessing a little.

[robf1971]

WN: I know man, I know. Subtle actions so far. Nothing dramatic, with all the fighting and tension though I would so the outlook is grim at best. She actually told me yesterday that she dreads me coming home from work because of how much we have been fighting lately. Regardless of if we stay together or not, that is NOT the kind of person I am or want to be. Time to wake up and get my act together.

 

Why don't you start going out late on your own at the weekend. Just tell your wife your going out with friends and you don't know when you'll be back. Lol sometimes what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

[Surfer203]

I know WN: I do have low self esteem currently, trying to get some of it back. I really should be keeping the cards close to my chest.. you have mentioned that I should do that prior, but I am so emotional that it just pours out.

 

Well, as far as going out, we used to go out a lot but I always want to go home haha I am always tired from work and am not a big social bar scene kind of guy. So, I always put a damper on the night. Therefore we don't go out much like that anymore. We probably do need to do more fun things together even if they are day time activities. That has been dwindling majorly lately.

 

Rob.. haha good time, going to become a party animal. I don't know what effect that would have though?

[Steadfast]

1,178 replies. 45,850 hits. 78 pages of advice. That's A LOT of personal involvement Surfer and a major combined investment of time and energy. I find it extraordinary the outpouring of concern, but far less pleasing is your recent tone of defensiveness, which suggests you're looking to fortify your position...and not actual advice. The facts are, you've ignored most of the advice that's been given to you on this thread and thus (as I logically assume) have no one but yourself to blame for your current state of mind. It's all on you but to be fair, you did only ask for advice on how to remain 'sane' while your wife works it out. It has all been discussed ad nauseam.

 

Now there is tension based on my comfort level of her going out and socializing. She knows that it is completely her fault and she has apologized for it.

Translation: She wishes you'd be more assertive and not be afraid. True to form, she apologizes after she's had her fun. Expect more of the same.

 

Surfer....friend! I feel like I really know you through your posts and see so much of myself in your words. God bless you man. Really; I mean it. I sincerely believe you're trying to do your best, but your perception of what you think is right (or needed, or wanted) is not in line with the reality of her mind. IMO, what women like your wife (and my ex) truly desire is a caveman who shaves and wears deodorant. Oh sure (and again, like my ex) there's some heavy duty guilt going on, but what I discovered is my wife was far more concerned about the post-cheating balance of power in our marriage than any deep, sorrowful emotion. No more bullets.

 

All the best. This is my last response. There for you on PM if you need-

[Surfer203]

MSWS: I thought it was funny anyway haha - see my response above to your questions. Same kind of crap, but no kids.

 

Thanks Steadfast.. appreciate all of your advice thus far.

[Surfer203]

I don't think I am being defensive man. I am just down and out, depressed and starting to feel hopeless. I don't want my marriage to be over, I want things to work out. That's all - sorry if I seem defensive, I really am trying to take the advice being given to me and apply it in a way that I am comfortable with.

[Owl]

Since what you've been doing isn't working...you might consider implementing some of the advice you've been given here instead.

 

If what you're doing now isn't successful...change what you're doing.

 

Continuing what you're doing doesn't seem likely to have much payoff.

 

Just my thought.

[Surfer203]

Can some one spell out what I should do.. bullet points if you have to. And what I am doing wrong?

[Owl]

-Get back into marriage counseling, rather than individual counseling.

 

-Spell out EXACTLY what changes in activities and behaviors that she needs to change that are negatively impacting your marriage, and your ability to rebuild your marriage and/or trust in her

 

-Stop arguing. Don't ask...insist. Set boundaries, with clear consequences for violations of them.

 

-Stop being afraid of losing her. Step back, and let her be afraid of losing you instead.

 

-Make it clear that you'd like to fix your marriage...but you don't NEED to fix your marriage. Make it clear that SHE HAS RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX HER ISSUES TOO. And...MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE AN INDEFINITE TIMELINE TO DO SO.

 

There's a start for you.