How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Owl.. sometimes it helps just to read it like that, plain and simple. Thanks pal.

[What_Next]

Well said Owl, Now surfer even if you cannot do all at once, do some of them.

 

Especially important is:

 

"-Stop arguing. Don't ask...insist. Set boundaries, with clear consequences for violations of them."

 

God man I've said that to you about 500 times... .

[Owl]

Owl.. sometimes it helps just to read it like that, plain and simple. Thanks pal.

 

I'm a plain and simple guy.

 

People spend a lot of effort making their lives complex...when really, the majority of things are simple. Not easy...but simple.

[updown]

this one!! she's acting like a child. you treat her like a child. this i how you TEACH your children how to act and behave!!!!

 

and regarding the mowing the lawn...... well, my perspective on that is not a good one. i wanted to start mowing the lawn when i realized i was going to have to do it all by myself in the future. i needed to know HOW to do it because my marriage wasn't going to be lasting all that much longer. i was never ALLOWED to do it though....... but, i offered plenty those last couple years.

 

 

Well said Owl, Now surfer even if you cannot do all at once, do some of them.

 

Especially important is:

 

"-Stop arguing. Don't ask...insist. Set boundaries, with clear consequences for violations of them."

 

God man I've said that to you about 500 times... .

[Surfer203]

updown: She knows how to mow a lawn. She grew up in a family where the women did yard work and split logs up in Canada, haha so I think you are a bit off base with that suggestion.

 

Everyone else.. I understand people's frustration.. I am trying.. really am. I guess I don't know how to STEP UP and be a man in this situation. That's all.

[sumdude]

Surfer, man I feel for ya. Been through it though in a different way. I'm trying to give you advice from the perspective of everything I did wrong!

 

Remember my last post about serenity? You're still trying to control things you cannot control and change things you cannot change. You're subconsciously trying to cajole and manipulate her into staying and changing rather than enforcing your boundaries.. I know, I did the same s#$t! You're so afraid of losing her.. I know the feeling, but you're driving her off more and confusing her more.. because she doesn't want to be responsible for making you feel bad! So every time you react badly and get upset her guilt gets worse and to her the only solution is to go away. She knows her actions are driving you nuts. Deep down inside what she wants to see is a man who is a rock that she can tie her foundering boat to. Find some way, meditation, prayer, exercise, Xanax ... whatever it takes to get your nerves and thoughts under control. You cannot allow her actions to dictate your emotional state. This is as much about you as it is her. In fact it's ALL about you.

 

Remember a few things.

 

There are 4 billion women on this planet. (or so)

You can be happy single.

You can be happy married.

You are the only one with any control over your own thoughts.

Whatever happens with her you will be OK.

Edited June 6, 2011 by sumdude

[Mz. Pixie]

-Get back into marriage counseling, rather than individual counseling.

 

-Spell out EXACTLY what changes in activities and behaviors that she needs to change that are negatively impacting your marriage, and your ability to rebuild your marriage and/or trust in her

 

-Stop arguing. Don't ask...insist. Set boundaries, with clear consequences for violations of them.

 

-Stop being afraid of losing her. Step back, and let her be afraid of losing you instead.

 

-Make it clear that you'd like to fix your marriage...but you don't NEED to fix your marriage. Make it clear that SHE HAS RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX HER ISSUES TOO. And...MAKE IT CLEAR THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE AN INDEFINITE TIMELINE TO DO SO.

 

There's a start for you.

 

BRAVO!!!!!

 

How about "All of our time spent separately is negatively impacting our relationship- I need and expect for you to make more of a time committment towards working on our relationship. I'd like to work towards __________hours of individual time per week"

 

"Honey, today I need for you to ___________ and ______________" Clean the kitchen, grocery shop-whatever it is.

 

"I love you sweetheart and I forgive you for the things that you did to harm our marriage. I am actively ready to participate in making our marriage work. I am not however going to live in limbo forever"

 

"Sweetie, our budget doesn't permit for funds to be diverted for gym memberships and nights out partying especially when one of us is not working. That's going to need to be curtailed so that we can put that towards debt repayment so that we will be in a better position to move forward in the future. I am willing to compromise on spending ________ per week on date night. How about I plan it this week and you plan it next week?"

 

Have you read the 5 love languages?? What is your wifes love language?

[Surfer203]

sumdude and Mz P. Great posts... both extremely insightful.. Owl - you too but I always compliment you, haha. Thanks everyone.. I don't feel totally alone in this world thanks to you all.

 

 

sumdude: I know I am driving her off with my reactions, I know it. Going to practice tonight, she went and visited a friend of ours who lives near her therapist. Who happens to be a guy and one of my long time friends, since we were kids. LS People, Don't freak about the guy friends - she has always had mainly male friends, she was a tomboy growing up. Anyway, I am going to play it totally cool. No big deal right? I am going to start enforcing some of my guidelines though.. just have to think about how/when to have a talk about it. I do realize it's about me. She is the one who went outside the marriage and ruined things, why should I be the one struggling, putting in all the work and worrying. Not worth it and not deserved.

 

Mz. Pixie: As a woman, how would you respond to a man asking those questions or demands of you? Just wondering, my wife is a really strong woman - I think this could be an interesting conversation.. haha.

[John Michael Kane]

1,178 replies. 45,850 hits. 78 pages of advice. That's A LOT of personal involvement Surfer and a major combined investment of time and energy. I find it extraordinary the outpouring of concern, but far less pleasing is your recent tone of defensiveness, which suggests you're looking to fortify your position...and not actual advice. The facts are, you've ignored most of the advice that's been given to you on this thread and thus (as I logically assume) have no one but yourself to blame for your current state of mind. It's all on you but to be fair, you did only ask for advice on how to remain 'sane' while your wife works it out. It has all been discussed ad nauseam.

 

Agreed. Just seems he's here looking for validation to stay in an abusive relationship rather than advice. Practically everyone on LS gave him some advice. If he actually wanted to fix this problem he would've made some actual progress by now. This thread is exhausted and needs to be closed.

 

Surfer we gave you as much advice as possible straight from our rear ends, but only you hold the power to actually changing the dynamic of this marriage. Follow the advice we gave you and stop double thinking and second guessing yourself. It's time to move it soldier.

 

Take care.

[Doing it Since '78]

sumdude and Mz P. Great posts... both extremely insightful.. Owl - you too but I always compliment you, haha. Thanks everyone.. I don't feel totally alone in this world thanks to you all.

 

 

sumdude: I know I am driving her off with my reactions, I know it. Going to practice tonight, she went and visited a friend of ours who lives near her therapist. Who happens to be a guy and one of my long time friends, since we were kids. LS People, Don't freak about the guy friends - she has always had mainly male friends, she was a tomboy growing up. Anyway, I am going to play it totally cool. No big deal right? I am going to start enforcing some of my guidelines though.. just have to think about how/when to have a talk about it. I do realize it's about me. She is the one who went outside the marriage and ruined things, why should I be the one struggling, putting in all the work and worrying. Not worth it and not deserved.

 

Mz. Pixie: As a woman, how would you respond to a man asking those questions or demands of you? Just wondering, my wife is a really strong woman - I think this could be an interesting conversation.. haha.

 

I commented much earlier in this thread bro, but that part right there stands out- Mostly male friends (IMO) means she is a freak, slut, whore etc- Chicks who talk that $hit have given themselves a ready made excuse for why they have a lot of dudes numbers in their phone, why they are with their best male buddy at 3 in the morning, etc, its a ruse, and sadly you seem like such a sucker for love that you permit this behavior-

 

Here you are commiserating about your failing marriage on an online board, and she is hanging out with your main man at your expense-

 

Please don't put it past your homeboy to stroke off your lady, after they finish rapping about how much of a pu$$y you have been acting lately, he will even lose respect for you and give himself the go ahead to poke the head in, which I imagine she would welcome and even oblige him in-

 

Man up champ, you are acting as if the world revolves around her: She is inconsiderate, broke, lazy, an admitted liar, mentally ill/unstable, unemployed, losing her hair, a whore, not into you sexually or otherwise, not interested in you sexually or otherwise, yet you seek her approval and are damn near begging for more poor $hitty treatment from her. That $hit ain't sexy at all, you know it, I know it, and sadly she only does know it, but she is trampling your heart because of it-

 

Its over kid, let it go- Matter of fact it was over when she let the model stud break her off- You tried, but she DOES NOT WANT YOU THAT WAY! Done deal-

Edited June 7, 2011 by Doing it Since '78

[updown]

i'm glad i have it wrong on why she'd be offering to mow the lawn. just my personal insight.

 

regarding the mostly male friends.... i too grew up with pretty much all guy friends. i was like that in high school and part of college too. but, once i was in a serious relationship that slowed way down. once i was married, i didn't really have many male friends at all, and NONE that i would go hang out with alone.

 

it wasn't until my marriage was pretty much over that i started having male friends again. and these were men that were married to MY friends. they weren't men that i would go hang out with alone.

 

i understand that you are fine with this action, and i'm not saying you shouldn't be. i am saying from a female that grew up with loads of male friends, my natural course was to not be all that close to them once i was married. i kept in touch a couple times a year, but i never hung out with them especially not one on one. i would not have expected my husband to be ok with it either.

 

i have also seen what my stbx's friends were capable of once they saw a marriage in trouble. i've witnessed what my friend's husband's friends are capable of as well. it's not a pretty picture. even when you've known someone your whole life. even if they stood in your wedding party. even if they are more like family..........

[Doing it Since '78]

i'm glad i have it wrong on why she'd be offering to mow the lawn. just my personal insight.

 

regarding the mostly male friends.... i too grew up with pretty much all guy friends. i was like that in high school and part of college too. but, once i was in a serious relationship that slowed way down. once i was married, i didn't really have many male friends at all, and NONE that i would go hang out with alone.

 

it wasn't until my marriage was pretty much over that i started having male friends again. and these were men that were married to MY friends. they weren't men that i would go hang out with alone.

 

i understand that you are fine with this action, and i'm not saying you shouldn't be. i am saying from a female that grew up with loads of male friends, my natural course was to not be all that close to them once i was married. i kept in touch a couple times a year, but i never hung out with them especially not one on one. i would not have expected my husband to be ok with it either.

 

i have also seen what my stbx's friends were capable of once they saw a marriage in trouble. i've witnessed what my friend's husband's friends are capable of as well. it's not a pretty picture. even when you've known someone your whole life. even if they stood in your wedding party. even if they are more like family..........

 

Not trying to thread jack my mans post or nothing, but really be honest- Would you really be cool with your husband hanging out with alone/in a group/whatever with his female friend who was going through a rough divorce? I can all but guarantee you did not win any friendship awards over this one with your male friends wives- keep it real

 

And let me guess, the reason you had no female friends were because they were too catty, gosspiy, etc so that's why you hung out with mostly dudes?

Edited June 7, 2011 by Doing it Since '78

[Surfer203]

I hear you all loud and clear.

 

I am starting to feel less sad and more angry/indifferent. Getting fed up with this, time for some action.

 

Yesterday went fine actually, no issues until her brother called with some news. Him and his wife are pregnant, I was watching tv and when my wife wanted to pass the phone to me I said "no". So.. she had to make up an excuse for me and tell her brother I wasn't around. She was very upset, crying and being a b**** to me about it. I called him about 10 minutes later and congratulated him.

 

I explained to my wife that his news brought up the thoughts about our own marriage and not trying to have kids anymore and it upset me and at that moment I couldn't talk, couldn't congratulate another person on where I wish my life was. So, that put a damper on the rest of the night. Eventually she understood my viewpoint and told me not to beat myself up. I still went to bed upset and it is a shame because we were getting along pretty well.

 

I have realized though that I don't care anymore what she thinks of me. I know who I am - I don't have to impress her anymore. I will be myself and if that is not good enough, too bad. Not going to bend over backwards anymore to fix things. Just going to keep on going, make myself happy and try to stay positive.

[John Michael Kane]

I hear you all loud and clear.

 

I am starting to feel less sad and more angry/indifferent. Getting fed up with this, time for some action.

 

Yesterday went fine actually, no issues until her brother called with some news. Him and his wife are pregnant, I was watching tv and when my wife wanted to pass the phone to me I said "no". So.. she had to make up an excuse for me and tell her brother I wasn't around. She was very upset, crying and being a b**** to me about it. I called him about 10 minutes later and congratulated him.

 

I explained to my wife that his news brought up the thoughts about our own marriage and not trying to have kids anymore and it upset me and at that moment I couldn't talk, couldn't congratulate another person on where I wish my life was. So, that put a damper on the rest of the night. Eventually she understood my viewpoint and told me not to beat myself up. I still went to bed upset and it is a shame because we were getting along pretty well.

 

Let her b*tch about it. Who cares? It shouldn't be you.

 

I have realized though that I don't care anymore what she thinks of me. I know who I am - I don't have to impress her anymore. I will be myself and if that is not good enough, too bad. Not going to bend over backwards anymore to fix things. Just going to keep on going, make myself happy and try to stay positive.

I'm going to be blunt here: You've been saying this for the past few months dude. Every time you guys get into it because of her insensitive and callous behavior, you say f*ck her and you're going to just do you. Then when she's nice and pucker up to you, asking you did you want her to do something for you, next thing we know you're getting excited and hopeful. She's playing sick mind games with you while continuing to sneak behind your back while you're working your ass off every week. This is an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. How much more of this are you going to take? Don't you feel your tolerance level reaching it's limit? Don't you deserve better than this? Don't you want to be with someone who doesn't pick with you all the damn time and cause trouble, screwing around with someone who was supposed to be your friend? Don't you want to date and flirt with new women without dealing with all of this stress? It's time for you to actually walk the walk. She's not going to change while she's with you and there is nothing you can do to stop it, no matter how hard you try.

[Surfer203]

Well.. it was kind of rude not to pick up the phone. He is my brother in law, we are/were very close - like real brothers.

 

Her reaction was kind of BS. Why would she get so angry if she was so "unsure" about our relationship - why would she get that upset.

 

More discussions yesterday of the future, my wife told me her Mom wants us to come up in October around my wife's birthday and that maybe I can't take a full vacation this summer or we can take a small long weekend trip this summer and go for a week in the fall to visit her family. See what I mean? More talks about the future and what is going to happen. I am positive that she has not made up her mind.

 

JMK: I have not been saying this the past few months.. it has been a few weeks, this is the first incident we have had since she left me originally. I am not sure what you are talking about dude. For the record, I do not believe she is screwing around with anyone.. that is the only credit I will give her in this situation.

[Surfer203]

MSWS: No dude, you are right. I think I messed that one up big time. I won't dwell on it, it was a mistake though I think. Should have just been a man and taken the call, pretended to be excited and got on with it. What to do now? I have said my apologies about this already, she said it was okay and forgave me.

[Surfer203]

I think you bring me to a good point in my head. I react too quickly and operate based off of emotions in the moment. I rarely slow down and think before I say something. That has been causing problems recently because there is so much conflict at the moment.

 

I have been trying to go out more.. most of my friends live 30 minutes to an hour + away. So it is kind of hard after a full day of work to get together with friends.

 

I have been getting into mountain biking and I am going to try and get myself back into yoga, did that for years and I loved it.

 

The job thing is a problem. I am kind of stuck financially right now because my wife is not working and we are in a lot of debt. So, my career options are not many currently. I am okay with that for now.

[debtman]

Focus on the hobbies, focus on yourself, make new friends, get out and active. Get on an austerity budget, figure out where you can cut back, start using a new mantra "we just can't afford it." If she really gets tired of it, she can go get a job. Take it from me, debt only makes things worse and reduces your options.

 

My stbx told me for months about things we were "going" to do months and/or years ahead. And we made lots of plans for future trips, things to do with the kids, etc...until she met OM who put her up on the pedestal and titillated her by feeding into her ego, then all the plans got dumped along with me and our family. She's not committing to you, don't commit to her...commit to YOURSELF!

 

Hardest thing to do is to bite your tongue and not argue, fight or buy into her button pushing. She will try to goad you into arguments just to give her the opportunity to rationalize her thoughts that you might not be "right" for her. Don't give her the satisfaction. You have to be able to stop yourself and not react. Take a few breaths, realize that disagreeing won't help the situation. Doesn't mean you have to agree either. Say something neutral "You have a good point, it's certainly something to consider." and let it go.

 

She is NOT the end-all, be-all. There are LOTS of amazing opportunities, women and moments out there waiting for you. She is confident in the fact that you'll hang around until she makes a decision at this point. You don't have to tell her or give her an ultimatum or anything. Just show her by your actions that you DON'T NEED her and you will be fine on your own...

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Surfer203]

debtman: Trying to man! Trying to keep busy. When the sadness is strong though, the energy I have to do "fun" stuff diminishes. At this point I have moved past SOME of the sadness and am ready to live a bit more! I hear what you are saying man.. trying to implement some of this stuff. It is hard because I am not extremely assertive but I have made some strides over the years specifically trying to work on this.

 

MSWS: I am a technical estimator for a company who does high end kitchens. At heart though I am an artist and musician. I have dabbled in graphic design, kitchen design/sales, etc. My thought is if I lose my job because I am looking elsewhere, we won't be able to keep the house and I will lose everything. I can't bank on my wife taking up the financial burden should I lose my job or get another job that is not good and ends up not working out. I can't rely on her - we all know this now, haha.

[debtman]

When the sadness is strong though, the energy I have to do "fun" stuff diminishes.

 

I hear you. One thing I did was buy a set of dumbbells and whenever I got sad, mad, etc. I'd pick them up and start cranking away...seemed to help...

[Surfer203]

That's a good idea.. might as well put that negative energy into something positive!

[Surfer203]

Well, it's hard to look for a job when you NEED to use your current job as a reference/experience.

[Surfer203]

Well.. I have a bad feeling that something is brewing.

 

I have not received a good morning text yet, which she normally send every day.. also sending a few BBM's to my wife's phone and it appears she is not receiving them because it does not say delivered. That could mean her phone is off.

 

Hmmm... starting to get a weird feeling. Maybe I will go home today after work and she won't be there. Here we go again!

[robf1971]

 

I have been trying to go out more.. most of my friends live 30 minutes to an hour + away. So it is kind of hard after a full day of work to get

The job thing is a problem. I am kind of stuck financially right now because my wife is not working and we are in a lot of debt. So, my career options are not many currently. I am okay with that for now.

 

Best career opportunities are at trade shows, you can network, impress CEO's, best part of it there is no one else who will think of doing it there.

[Surfer203]

rob: Good idea, only problem is getting time off of work to go.. I am highly paid, however - it is not salary technically.. technically I am paid hourly. So taking time off results in losing money, which I can't afford at the moment due to debt.

 

MSWS: Maybe I am but what if I am right?