How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[John Michael Kane]

rob: Good idea, only problem is getting time off of work to go.. I am highly paid, however - it is not salary technically.. technically I am paid hourly. So taking time off results in losing money, which I can't afford at the moment due to debt.

 

MSWS: Maybe I am but what if I am right?

 

You're going to be stuck here if you don't stop second guessing yourself and every decision you make. Sometimes you just need to push and don't look back. You're making this harder than it is.

[Surfer203]

You are probably right man.

[Surfer203]

Sorry to be frustrating but think of how I feel mentally.. exhausted. I will not post as much I guess.

[What_Next]

Surfer, it's not a question of not posting so much. Many of us have been right where you are. Your mind is racing, you are over analyzing every single thing that occurs.

 

You need to STOP! You'll give yourself an ulcer..

 

You need to relax, you need to take care of you. You have been given ALL the information you need. You are terrified that if you law down your ground rules then your wife will bail. So be it my friend, so be it. Donewrong was not happy one single bit when we discussed my ground rules. She understood and accepted them though because she knew it wasn't a negotiation, it was the only way I would go forward.

 

This boils down to repsect, your wife does NOT respect you and you DO NOT respect yourself.

[Surfer203]

Understood.. thanks though.

 

I am starting to not respect myself.. you are right. Have to earn it, from others and from myself.

 

I am going to lighten up on the posts though - it is too much of a roller coaster.

 

She just texted, just woke up - she said she woke up with an "I don't care" attitude. She says there are things I have to and know I need to do but I just don't want to do them. I think she is hitting rock bottom with this now. I told her to relax and watch a movie, just de-stress.

 

I am not a religious person, but I will put this in God's hands.

 

Thanks all for the suggestions and advice.

[LifesontheUp]

 

She just texted, just woke up - she said she woke up with an "I don't care" attitude. She says there are things I have to and know I need to do but I just don't want to do them. I think she is hitting rock bottom with this now. I told her to relax and watch a movie, just de-stress.

 

Wow it must suck to be her eh? She should be looking for a job Surfer with the money problems you say you have not lazing in bed.

 

She needs a kick up the you know what I'm afraid.

[Surfer203]

Swift kick in the rump, haha. Too bad I don't believe in violence. I think maybe she is kicking her own butt now. Let's see what happens.

[Surfer203]

I think her not looking for a job is her saying.... I don't care about finances because I don't plan on being around to deal with them for much longer. I don't know, that is how I am starting to feel. Funny enough they will be her responsibility partially with or without me.

[LifesontheUp]

I think her not looking for a job is her saying.... I don't care about finances because I don't plan on being around to deal with them for much longer. I don't know, that is how I am starting to feel. Funny enough they will be her responsibility partially with or without me.

 

What I don't understand is if she isn't earning how can she go out so much. Her spending needs to be curtailed and you need to make sure she starts living within her means. Tell her until she starts contributing any cards and cash will be strictly overseen by you.

 

Also tell her you expect the housework done and a meal on the table by the time you get home from work. She has plenty of spare time as she doesn't work so she can start contributing this way as a start.

[What_Next]

What I don't understand is if she isn't earning how can she go out so much. Her spending needs to be curtailed and you need to make sure she starts living within her means. Tell her until she starts contributing any cards and cash will be strictly overseen by you.

 

Also tell her you expect the housework done and a meal on the table by the time you get home from work. She has plenty of spare time as she doesn't work so she can start contributing this way as a start.

 

Yes, HELL YES on BOTH counts. Like I told you earlier, it boils down to REPSECT.

[Surfer203]

Honestly it is not like she goes out and spends tons of money - but still, I get the point guys. I am not trying to defend her.

 

I am quite interested as to what is going to happen next, especially after what she said today. I am trying not to read too much into it but it could be a tidal wave of s*** coming my wave. Either that or it could be her hitting rock bottom and realizing she has to make up her mind.

 

Give me strength. Going mountain biking with my brother this weekend! Pumped.

[sumdude]

Surfer... man... nothing is permanent. No job, house, relationship..

 

Every relationship ends in one way or another and almost never at a time or in a way of our choosing. You may lose your wife today by her leaving or for all you know some years from now by her passing. I'm not trying to be morbid but give you perspective.

 

You worried about losing your wife.

Your worried about losing your job.

Your worried about losing your house.

 

What is all this worrying getting you? Do you work your job because you love it or because you feel like you have to in order not to lose the house... which if you think of it, is just a thing. Imagine yourself doing what you truly love and living in a little apartment.. would you be happier in life than now?

 

I went through a period of loss. My mom passed from cancer, a year later my wife walked out me, then my aunt and uncle passed a week apart as well as a family friend, then some months later my dad. I mourned and was depressed but I survived... I'm pretty happy right now even though I haven't met another mate. I have met and dated some women I have loved in different ways but all those relationships ended and I survived. I'm playing a hell of a lot more gigs with a band now than I ever have and that's been fulfilling. I did buy a house but sometimes wonder why. Seems like our belongings can sometimes own us rather than the other way around.

 

I don't worry so much about losing anything anymore. Nothing is that important other than the ones you love who love you back... and your health.

 

Know that old 38 Special song? Hold on loosely but don't let go, if you cling to tightly you're gonna lose control.

Edited June 7, 2011 by sumdude

[LifesontheUp]

Nothing is that important other than the ones you love who love you back... and your health.

 

Absolutely!!!!!

 

I learnt through my xH affair that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. And whatever happens you will survive.

[Surfer203]

sumdude: That was a really good comment, thanks. I admire your strength with getting through that amazingly tough time. You are right.. I just worry about everything going wrong.

 

To answer your questions, I am not crazy about my job. I would prefer to do what I enjoy even in a more modest home/apartment, however - I really want a family and that is something I have wanted since we got married. I would love to live a self indulgent life style, but my good sense keeps me down to earth, with eyes on the future.

 

That 38 Special line is quite fitting. I am a musician too.. guitar player for 18 years now.

[sumdude]

sumdude: That was a really good comment, thanks. I admire your strength with getting through that amazingly tough time. You are right.. I just worry about everything going wrong.

 

To answer your questions, I am not crazy about my job. I would prefer to do what I enjoy even in a more modest home/apartment, however - I really want a family and that is something I have wanted since we got married. I would love to live a self indulgent life style, but my good sense keeps me down to earth, with eyes on the future.

 

That 38 Special line is quite fitting. I am a musician too.. guitar player for 18 years now.

 

Y'know I've seen kids raised in mansions who are messed up and miserable.. because the parents weren't happy. After decades of working a job someone doesn't like the life goes out of you. I've seen kids raised sharing bedrooms in little apartment who are happy and content. You only get one spin on this ride called life. Being happy yourself spreads happiness to those around you. I'm 43 and feeling that midlife thing. Kids didn't work out with the ex wife and now I'm glad because it would have been a much bigger mess when she split. Maybe I'll still be a dad someday but I don't know.. the right relationship has to happen first. If not, I'll still have a good life, just different from what I imagined. Life has a funny way of happening while we make plans for the future, have to live in the now.Think about what you really want your life to be and read that Joseph Campbell quote in my sig line.

 

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."...... Joseph Campbell

[Surfer203]

sumdude: I know that money isn't everything, it makes things easier though. But if you do have that happiness then you are set!

 

I do my best to be happy and try and make others happy. I don't know any other way to TRY to live. Does not always happen but that is always the goal.

 

Great quote man - thanks a lot.

 

______________________________

 

Sent the wife a message to see how her mood was. It has not really improved apparently. I am almost done with work for the day and I am starting to wonder what kind of evening it will be. A big fight, awkward quietness or getting along well. Up in the air.

[LifesontheUp]

Instead of going straight home why don't you do some window shopping for a bit? Why rush home if her mood isn't any better. Give her a little time to worry for a change.

[Surfer203]

Good idea! Heading to the grocery store after work, going to get myself some ice cream and chips! I can afford to gain a few pounds, have not been eating as much lately because of stress and what not.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

If you can curse LS, I lost my third post in a row to you

 

First thing it to believe in yourself, be a little cocky. If you don't want to love me I will find some body else to share my life with.

 

Next thing is to make her laugh. Every time she laughs her body floods her brain with love chemicals for you, she has no defence.

 

One of my secrets as a player was my abilty, self taught and crude, to speak in dialects and thereby change characters.

 

There is Boris the Russian, and Heinrich (Heiney) the German, both of whom are not that smart who say the dumbest but funniest things. There is a softey who talks with a lisp, for those who are old enough to remember Ernie Kovaks, think his Tarzan charcter who sat on a swing held up my flowered vines, drinking a cocktail with a flower in it. And there is a macho lathario, who at times makes crude sexual remarks, who is know to on occassion to publicly grab her booty in front of her work mates and who in private can't keep his hands off of her boobs or tits. He never uses the word breasts. When asked what we are doing on our day off, he proposes it is a no clothes day, lets stay home and play naked all day.

Who also celebrates navel inspection day, I'll inspect yours and you mine.

 

And do not forget that little 10 year old boy who still lives deep inside you.

 

Women like to see a man who is not afraid to let out that little boy.

 

He is the one who plays with the toys when shopping at a toy store. The one who gets little boy excited when he sees an electric train running, or RC boats, planes and race cars. The one who keeps saying I always wanted one of these.

 

I use my blender to mix up frozen daquiris, pina coladas and for him, chocolate malts. On a hot summer day I make him and my ladys 10 year old Strawberry and Root Beer floats

 

For breakfast sometimes he is excited to have Cheerios ala mode with fresh strawberries

 

You know when you are winning when you hear her say, "You are such a nut".

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

LS has dumped more posts to you

 

So you want to win her back permantly, then do so. Yes in away it is as simple as that.

 

Be confident, remember she married and chose you above all of the other men in the world for a reason, you have the inside track to her heart

 

If you can't dance learn. And once you learn, practice until you are good. Most women like to dance. Music touches a woman's soul more so than for most men. To get up and dance to that music is a celebration of life. "Would you like to dance?" is one of the all time best pick up lines. By learning to dance you put her on the spot, she can either dance with you, and if not there are lots of other ladies who would love to dance with you.

 

Learn how to cook some gourmet meals. In fact that is something the two of you can do together. Once you learn how to cook, she has her choice, you can share it with her or you can share it with another woman

 

Is she still a non drinker? Does she drink Shirley Temples when she is out with her friends.

 

The reason I ask, one of the first meals that I learned to cook was Coq au Vin (French for chicken with red wine). Chicken breasts cooked in red wine, with carrots and mushrooms served over noodles. It is easy to learn and it is a winner, they always come back for more.

 

Do you bar-b-que? If so, let the little boy out and get excited about toasting a marshmellow over the coals. Every time you hear "You are such a nut" her body is flooding her brain with love chemicals

[Surfer203]

2.50 a gallon: Lots of really great suggestions. I certainly have to get my ego up a bit... it has been really smashed down since what happened in the fall went down. I have been trying to rebuild it but this latest rough patch is making it hard to be myself. I know I have to get back to who I am, who she loves. I will try to lighten up and not be as sad about the whole.. at least I won't show it. Back to my self, I like to joke around - I don't take most things too seriouslly. To answer some of your questions, she is an avid dancer -certified as a Zumba instructor, loves to go out and dance. Me not so much, however I am a decent dancer just don't like doing it in public, haha. I am a good cook too, she enjoys cooking as well. In the past we have enjoyed cooking together, not so much lately though. Anyway, Thanks man - I am taking in your suggestions.

 

___________

 

Last night we had a long talk.. it was good. Basically I stepped up a bit, most of you will be happy to hear. I told her what I wanted out of our relationship and what I expected. I told her if things did not work out I would be okay and move on however to fix things and be with her is what I want as of now. I told her how it made me uncomfortable when she goes out with friends at night, especially male ones. She completely understands and asked what she could do to make me more comfortable and trust her.

 

Also, we discussed why I thought things were heading south on our relationship - we talked about a few things that would help:

 

• Marriage Counseling (our last guy was not great)

• Her reading some self help books on guilt/shame - which she is living with a great deal of - also continuing her own IC therapy to figure out what is wrong with her and how to fix it

• Doing FUN things together more frequently instead of just sitting around the house when we have free time together

• Communicating more openly

• Taking things slowly, trying hard and not giving up with out putting in work

 

I think keeping those points in mind and considering the love and relationship/history we have shared, I think the potential for success exists however I am not getting my hopes up. Keeping my thoughts and expectations realistic.

[Surfer203]

Also.. what would you know, she woke up today in a better mood, better outlook. I asked "did you wake up today with a better outlook?" She replied "It is a new day". Encouraging - maybe yesterday was just an off day for her, but I think with all that stress eventually we just crash.

 

Trying to keep myself positive, looking forward to enjoying some of this beautiful weather and hanging out with my brother this weekend.

[updown]

i'm not 100% sure what you mean. maybe my point wasn't clear. i wasn't friends with men during my marriage, period. i was friends with my girlfriends and by default hung out with them and their husbands. NEVER did i hang out with a male ALONE, ever!! and that's what i'm trying to say, the ONLY men i even spoke to, were my friends' husbands. not single men or males from my past. and i only talked to those men when i was with MY girlfriends. you know, like at a neighborhood party.

 

that's one thing all of my girlfriends have said they really like about me actually :-) i have always viewed my friend's husbands as an extention of them, not a male that i should befriend and have a friendship with.

 

regarding why i had more male friends, if you knew me those words would not even leave your mouth. i am the least of those things you mentioned. you can ask anyone that knows me :-) i just preferred the things the guys were doing.

 

anyway, my point was that married women should not be spending alone time with men, period. and same goes for married men. no alone time with women, period. but, that's just opinion!

 

 

Not trying to thread jack my mans post or nothing, but really be honest- Would you really be cool with your husband hanging out with alone/in a group/whatever with his female friend who was going through a rough divorce? I can all but guarantee you did not win any friendship awards over this one with your male friends wives- keep it real

 

And let me guess, the reason you had no female friends were because they were too catty, gosspiy, etc so that's why you hung out with mostly dudes?

[Surfer203]

MSWS: I agree with her needing to get a job.. she is looking (apparently). She wants to live with out rules but that type of lifestyle does not lead to long term happiness - that's for sure. We started with the conversation last night, both agreed it was a good one and that we need to talk openly like that more frequently. The job thing - I am just going to watch for a bit and see if there is any progress, as I told her with our relationship I am not waiting around forever. So, for now I will keep my mouth shut but won't let that go on for long. Get to work or get to walking.

 

updown: I think you are kind of wrong here.. it is completely normal and healthy to have friends of the opposite sex and to hang out with them, even one on one. There is a line that should not be crossed however. I have said my piece to my wife about it, let's see where it goes from here.

[Surfer203]

I would appreciate if some of my good friends on here would read up a couple of comments regarding the conversation my wife and I had yesterday and weigh in.

 

Also, ponder this question. What should the sex policy be? We have not had sex for about a month.. it started after she got news from her doctor that they had to do a biopsy of her cervix, the week after that she got a urinary tract infection. So no sex for a while, and since all of that the fights have been going on. I don't know if we should even be having sex at this point, if so how do I initiate when things are so tense? We both agree the sex is a very important component of a marriage and to not be doing it makes there feel like there is more of a void then there really is.