How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

My typing is awful.. I meant STEP UP.

[hopesndreams]

The GREAT advice given to you, by many here, is not meant to hurt or confuse you. We need to pop the bubble you are living in.

 

You need to wrap your head around the truth and deal with it. Your self-worth is of the utmost importance.

 

You can live very happily without a cheater. Many here can attest to that. Not many here will say staying with a cheater is the best decision they ever made.

 

The love has suffered, the trust is gone and you may never ever truly forgive her.

 

How can one forgive the ultimate betrayal?

[Surfer203]

I am hard headed and think I can. I guess I will never know unless I get that opportunity. If she chooses him it will sure make it easier to know that she is a cheating slut and she was the cause of our marriage dissolving.

[PegNosePete]

Pete... not trying to make excuses. She is flying into Laguardia airport which is convenient to NYC by taxi. I live up in Connecticut, so it would be harder for her to get back up here.

It is an excuse dude. If she chooses you then it doesn't matter how inconvenient it is or how long it takes or how many hot coals she has to walk over to get to you. If she's not prepared to even do this then how long do you think she will last with your other rules? You're looking at quite literally years of building trust and observing her behaviour and scrutinising all her phone calls, text messages and emails. If she's not even prepared to come straight back to you without seeing her OM then you're much better off cutting your losses right now. Otherwise you're wasting potentially years of so-called reconciliation only for it to happen all over again.

 

Good that you're getting upset! I think you really need to get a lot more upset, for your own good! Get that testosterone flowing dude, she's had your manhood beaten down for so long! Go to the gym and pump some iron or kick the crap out of a punch bag. Pretend it's the OM's head and do some serious damage to it. Go skydiving, or bungee jumping, or rally driving. Seriously. Just do it, what do you have to lose?

[Surfer203]

See.. her going home to ponder is a huge thing for me.. that shows me that she knows she has made a mistake and needs to figure things out. It is a huge gesture towards our relationship. She made this choice after I urged her to. She was trying to avoid doing it but after our face to face she decided to do this. I think that means something, I don't think it is totally hopeless. That is the only reason I am hanging on to this possibility.

[Surfer203]

I am all for expressing the anger.

 

If you think she needs to come directly home.. then I need to tell her that. I think she is planning just to go back there with either decision either to live there forever and ever OR to get her stuff and call me to pick her up. I think I have to tell her that I am not cool with her going back there before deciding.

[PegNosePete]

OK dude. I give you permission to send her one text message.

 

"I am having Monday afternoon off, if you want our marriage to work then come directly home as soon as you land"

 

Don't reply to any cr@p she gives you in response. Don't call, and don't answer if she does. You've told her your boundary clearly and concisely. There is no room for misinterpretation. She will either respect it and go along with it, or she won't. There is no bargaining or negotiation. If she goes to his place then she has blown it.

[Surfer203]

I figure she can jump right back to and you are right.. I am scared of the outcome. I don't know if giving the ultimatum at this stage would help.. when she gets back maybe it will help? Probably not.. she is not the type to be forced. She likes to do the opposite of what people say to prove her intelligence and strength.. hahahaha BS! That is her though.. hard headed woman. Well... I am going to meet a pal for dinner. I will check back on this tonight - thanks for all of your advice so far.

[hopesndreams]

I think I have to tell her that I am not cool with her going back there before deciding.

 

This shows your fear. Doing this shows you are weak and scared. We are all attracted to those brimming with confidence not those who are anxiety ridden.

 

She needs to come to this decision by herself for it to have any meaning. Let her choose, on her own.

[FreeNow]

I am scared of the outcome.

 

Until you truly let go of the outcome, you will keep yourself stuck. She will sense this and use you.

 

You really need to prepare yourself to live without her. Until you do that, it ain't gonna help your situation.

 

I don't know if giving the ultimatum at this stage would help..

 

The point is not to help the situation (allow her to return). The purpose is to regain your power, your confidence, your essence as an individual person.

 

Be absolutely 10,000% ready to walk away... happily. Otherwise, you are spinning your wheels. A fly in a spider's web, my friend.

 

she is not the type to be forced.

 

If you have to force her then she isn't really committed to a relationship with you, now is she? A difficult pill to swallow but medicine often tastes ghastly. Better to figure this out now rather than years later.

 

She likes to do the opposite of what people say to prove her intelligence and strength.. hahahaha BS!

 

The same can be said of teenage rebellion. The difference here is that she is a grown woman. It's not your job to raise her.

 

That is her though.. hard headed woman.

 

Or a self centered one!

 

 

Ashamedly I freely admit that I had years of experience in this torture. I'm telling you the truth; being alone would have been far better than spending even a day with an unfaithful/disloyal/disrespectful spouse.

 

Again, until you are ready to let go of the outcome and be happy (or even happier) without her, the pain will continue. She will not stop with just this one. It will happen again. When? You probably won't even see it coming. Next time will be even worse!

 

Go your own way and if she wants to follow, she will. If you want to let her at that point will be entirely up to you.

[Darth Vader]

No.. the sex means something and it hurts me. I think it is meaningless sex she was havin not loving sex.

 

 

That makes no difference! You both took vows in front of God and family, apparrently she didn't mean those vows!

[Surfer203]

FreeNow: Thanks for breaking it down for me. Why do I even bother paying a therapist when I can come on here and read all the great advice.

 

 

So.. now I am getting conflicting opionions.. I am getting "don't tell her what to do" - some people are telling me to demand she comes home right away after the flight. If I go that route I need to speak to her Sunday night before she flies back on Monday and tell her what's up. On the other hand those who suggest to let her make up her own mind.. it scares me because once she goes back to that guy he has the upper hand, no matter what she felt for me or our relationship.

[Fufu]

2 paths you can choose.

 

The BLUNT & ULTIMATUM WAY (YES or NO Choice)

You text her, "if you want this marriage to work, come home right away after you have landed"

 

Outcome: If she comes home right away, her action at least proves that she still wants the marriage to work. (however, don't put too much hopes into it, the hopes can emotionally killed you if she still doesn't want to work things out)

 

If she doesn't come home right away after she landed and choose to go to OM's house, it's a straight answer to you that she already don't give a hack about this marraige.

 

 

The LET THINGS TAKE THEIR NATURAL COURSE WAY

You don't text her or anything, you see what are her actions. At the same time, don't overthink, you are not in the wrong. You are in the control of this marriage, not her anymore because she chose to stray.

 

Anyway, she doesn't have any upper hand even if she chooses to go back to the GUY. You have the upper hand, not her. You feel you are not in upper hand because you have fears.

 

Ask yourself this, "Why the hell am I feeling terrible when I did nothing wrong to her?" "She's the one who make the mistake, why am I the one suffering and almost like I am the one who is being punished."

Edited November 27, 2010 by Fufu

[FreeNow]

{I cross posted with FuFu so some of this might repeat FuFu's post.}

 

 

FreeNow: Thanks for breaking it down for me. Why do I even bother paying a therapist when I can come on here and read all the great advice.

 

You are welcome to my opinions anytime... I just hope they help.

 

You will likely need to stay in therapy for some time after this because you'll want to address the issues that allow you to tolerate being treated the way you have been. These patterns repeat.

 

So.. now I am getting conflicting opionions.. I am getting "don't tell her what to do" - some people are telling me to demand she comes home right away after the flight.

 

Here is where it gets sticky. If you are honestly ready to walk away for good, then you might choose one way. However, if you are still in between (seems like you might be) then you might choose another way.

 

In other words, how you approach it depends on where you are ready to take this thing.

 

She knows you want her back, that's obvious to her. If you don't say another thing to her until she is served with divorce papers; she still knew (even though she wouldn't admit it).

 

If you feel you want to tell her to come straight home and don't go to dip$hit's house, then you could do that... but only if you are ready to walk away for good.

 

If you aren't ready to walk away then you might need to stay NC. Just remember all of the sage advice, opinions, and warnings others here have offered you about the outcome.

 

How you handle it from here is something only you can gauge. If you were one of my own sons and sitting right next to me, I couldn't tell you any differently. You sort out how you feel and what you can do. Then you act on your decision.

 

If I go that route I need to speak to her Sunday night before she flies back on Monday and tell her what's up.

 

Or... "Honey, it's him or me. My life is worth a damn so it will be a good one with or without you. I'm not waiting on your ass so if you want to be in it, you better hurry the f*k up." or something like that...

 

If she's prone to thinking you bluff then she'll call you on it and you dodged the rest of your life tied to a cheating manipulative biatch.

 

On the other hand those who suggest to let her make up her own mind..

 

She'll make up her own mind regardless. This is all about you making up yours!

 

You can't change what she thinks. You can't change what she feels. You can't change what she does.

 

You are responsible for you and she for her.

 

it scares me because once she goes back to that guy he has the upper hand, no matter what she felt for me or our relationship.

 

There will always be 'that guy'. If she can't be faithful on her own, without your interference then why are you wasting your life with her?

 

Have you considered life without her? Does it seem like some lonely abyss? These are some things to work out in your own head.

 

 

There is another life waiting for you if you want it.

[Surfer203]

Fufu: I am going to have to real think about this.. 2 days to go. I really WISH I felt in control of this marriage. I know I am in control of whether I want to continue trying or not, but other than that it is in her complete control.

 

FreeNow: You are giving me a lot to think about. As you guess, I may not be completely ready to just walk away. So I guess that leaves me with NC until she gets in touch with me. I really have to think this through, but I love your response regarding that my life is good are you in or out? Haha.. blunt and serious, I like it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

I have several thoughts I wish you would consider.

 

First and foremost the OM has her ear. She listens and values his views over yours. In this way he is able to manipulate and turn just about anything you say to his advantage.

 

Do Not Tell her what to do. He is waiting for you to make this mistake. As a former player, I loved it when my competition tried to tell her what to do, the reply is: "I see you as a free spirit. He has shown his true colors, he is a control freak"

 

Next problem, being as he has her ear you have a great disadavantage when she goes back to his place first. If she has decided to return to you, there is a good chance that he will talk her out of it before you ever find out.

 

Next problem, let's say she has chosen you but still needs to get her things out of his place. Another chance for him to talk her out of it. If possible you or somebody you trust should go with her to get her things.

 

There are lots of people offering advice. The one that I would listen the closest to is What Next, as he is one of the few who has been able to get his wandering wife to begin to try reconcilation.

 

Also note his tactic, which was to totally detach and pursue another woman. He has gotten some flack for having a revenge affair, but he is on the few who has found success.

 

My story: Like you my XW moved in with the OM. I did not ask or beg her to return. No "I love yous." In fact when I caught her in the arms of the OM I kicked her to the curb. About a month after she had left, my neighbor invited the XW and the OM to come over and party again while his wife was out of town.

 

She arrived early and knocked on my door asking if she could spend some time with out cats. Actually I knew she wanted to rub it in my face again, no problem as I had already moved on. When she got ready to leave she threw some trash in my garbage container and spotted and MT champagne bottle.

 

When she met me I was a player and always kept at least 2 bottles of cheap champagne in the frig at all times, so she knew that I had already crossed the line and slept with another woman. That brought about an immedate turn around on her part and wanting to reconcile. Too late I had already moved on.

[Surfer203]

2.50 a gallon: Yes.. the other man is my concern.. if she goes back I would tell her that he will try to manipulate her and convince her to stay.. so that WHOLE POINT of her time away is now lost. The point was to clear your mind and make a decision.. this will all be erased if she goes back to him and I need to make that clear to her.

 

The moving on with another woman may be tough at the moment, I have not been in the dating game for along time.. so, haha I would have to get ready for that and frankly I am not ready to date anyone quite yet.

 

It's cool that you got to deny her when she came crawling back. Part of me wants to get her back and then dump her out of spite. But I am not that cruel.

[Surfer203]

And if I don't go with her down there to the apartment, I will send some one who won't be so friendly to him if he is there at the time.... haha

[lkjh]

See.. her going home to ponder is a huge thing for me.. that shows me that she knows she has made a mistake and needs to figure things out. It is a huge gesture towards our relationship. She made this choice after I urged her to. She was trying to avoid doing it but after our face to face she decided to do this. I think that means something, I don't think it is totally hopeless. That is the only reason I am hanging on to this possibility.

 

 

 

Going home for thanksgiving when she had nowhere else to go is not a "huge gesture". Dude, I am sorry but you are deluded

[giblesp]

I've been in a similar situation, looking back the very best thing I could have done would have been to end it there and then.

You've got to ask yourself, is this what YOU want? Is she meeting YOUR expectations? Does she make YOU happy?

The answer, I'd guess, is no to all the above.

 

Many people are going to advise you to move on from this situation. Its very painful, but the sense of empowerment it will give you on the long term will better you as a person. And make you more attractive to women.

 

I used to always believe in 'giving love a chance.' I'd hang in there till the very end, waiting for decisions to come from the other. Eventually I found myself getting back to the same situation with a different woman. I ended this pattern by firmly and politely moving on, the minute the situation re surfaced. Its made me a lot stronger.

[Surfer203]

lkjh: Well.. she is at her family in Canada.. Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, so she was not seeing them for any holiday.

 

giblesp: I promise not to repeat this pattern.. after this I am a changed man.

[2.50 a gallon]

Turning my back on my XW was one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I was in my mid-30's and she was a dozen years younger than me. I had been a skirt chaser most of my adult life, and had only been in one really serious relationship prior to my XW. And that was with my ex-fiance, who finally dumped me after waiting about 3 years for me to set the date.

 

I was not in love with my XW until the marriage ceremony. As I noted in another post, I too was rather short and skinny, my XW was about 3 inches taller than me, most women like their men to be taller than them. I did not think she would go through with it, so when I saw this beautiful long legged woman walk down the aisle to marry me, I totally fell in love with her. I had never entertained thoughts of having children, until that moment, from that moment on that is what I really wanted in my life.

 

So to turn my back on the XW meant that I had to give up my dream of having a family.

 

We might have been able to have worked through her cheating if she had not come by and partied with the neighbor to rub it in my face. That left me more determined to run.

 

She did not give up, and surprised me several times by showing up at my place, or my work place and even once when I was out grocery shopping, dressed oh so revealing, and crying crockdile tears, filled with "I'm Sorrys" etc.

 

For the next 3 to 4 years I got B-day, holiday, and Valentine cards from her. I never let her know how badly they hurt. The dream was over and her actions had turned my dreams into a nightmare. I just felt that I could never ever trust her the way a husband should trust his wife. I did not want to spend the rest of my life keeping an eye on her

[Surfer203]

I can certainly appreciate your story. Waking up today has been weird.. I feel immersed in this now, today and tomorrow are really going to sting. I want to just break contact to make myself feel better, to hear if she still has some hope in her words. I know that is not the right thing to do, but I am getting desperate to hear the answer.

[2.50 a gallon]

Getting back into dating does take time. You have to redevelop your skills. When you do it, it is like the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I too was afraid of the future. I shouldn't have been, as it was fantastic. I had a great time.

 

I am now in a totally loving relationship with a fantastic woman. We have been together for over 15 years. She too is a looker, a grand mother to a teenager, just a couple of years shy of turning 60, and still has an hour glass figure. When new workers meet her for the first time, they think that I am her father. But she is mine, and I trust her completely.

 

Divorce is the best thing that ever happened to me

[Surfer203]

Well.. good for you man. I hope things work out for me either way it goes.. the temptation is killing me though today - I am having trouble not contacting her.. this weekend is going to be a killer. Waiting on friends to call back and have not heard back yet, have to keep occupied some how.