How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[updown]

well, i'm glad in your case i'm wrong then :-)

 

i have just seen too much for it to be ok with me. i have watched full blown affairs start before my eyes because a wife trusted her husband enough to spend time alone with a life time female friend...... i have seen married men hit on single women, with intent, in a room full of people once the wife left the party.....

 

that why i said, in my opinion. 5 yrs ago, i probably would have agreed with you completely.......

 

 

in an above post you said you all had a good heart to heart and you told her something about all the going out, especially with men, and how it affected your comfort and trust. and she asked you what she could do to get you more comfortable and to trust her more. she needs to work on earning your trust back. think about what she would need to do for you to feel more comfortable and trusting in her.

[Surfer203]

updown: I don't want to regret what I just said about trusting her hahaha but she UNDERSTANDS that if she cheats again while still married to me, even separated from me there will be HUGE issues, I am a nice guy but I won't be crossed.. not ever again.

 

MSWS: Pretty graphic bro.. haha. I am with you though, we all have needs. I find it hilarious, "clean yourself up and then go turn on the tv" - awesome. I don't know man, my issue has been with all the tension, there is no romance so trying to initiate is very hard. Do you I just go for it and start kissing her or touching her? I am clueless on how to break down this barrier.

[What_Next]

Bud, first regarding the friends of an opposite sex thing, you are playing with a loaded gun my friend. I certainly hope you have the safety on. Friends, sure, but one on one hanging out considering what she did? Um no, umm HELL no. Umm HELL NO! You know I haven't been too bad on you, but pull your ba__ls out of her purse and put your foot down on that issue, HELL NO. She does that you're OUT, GONE, a GHOST. Hear me?

 

Now, sex, unless there is a physical reason why you shouldn't be, then in my opinion you should be f___ing like horny rabbits. Almost from the word GO my wife and I were back at it like mad after our reconciliation. It has since cooled a bit, but that's more a factor of life than anything else. Even in this area you seem so timid, like you are afraid to tell your wife you want to ravage her like a caveman . Tonight; bring home a bottle of wine, plan a nice dinner and then spend the next few hours enjoyed YOUR WIFE. The suggestion to ____ her like an animal, sure do it, going and turning on the tv after, umm bad idea.

 

Regarding your conversation with her, well the job thing, that just sticks in my head. Not sure why but it does. What exactly is she contributing to your relationship? You said she rarely cleans or cooks, you have no children and she doesn't work? There is a MASSIVE imbalance here.

 

I still feel as though you are coming off as needy and submissive. You need to puff out your chest and act like an alpha male a little my friend. Give off some of that "me tarzan, you jane" vibe.

 

As always good luck.

[Surfer203]

WN: Generally when they hang out they are with other friends. So I am not as worried when that is the case. They all know we are married, so I hope that is enough to not make them cross the line. I am sure they would fear my wrath - I am a tough MF'er in terms of a fight.

 

I am with you on the sex thing, it should be happening - why the hell not?!

 

Regarding her working... you are right, she is basically contributing nothing to our relationship except for giving me a lot of stress and worry. She does the grocery shopping, clothes washing, occasionally cleans and makes the bed. As of now, that is pretty much it - it is frustrating. I work all week, mow the lawn, clean things up, tend to the cats, etc.

 

I thought I was starting to stand up for myself.. maybe not enough yet? The job thing I know has to be addressed, I will give her a week to start looking and if I see no action there will be yet another conversation.

 

 

_____

 

MSWS: Again, very graphic but thanks! I enjoy your personality, haha I think we would be good friends in real life. I don't really operate like that, I am more of a sweet lover. Maybe I need to step it up a bit.

[updown]

the in the kitchen on the counter would be awesome ( at least from this female brain). the getting up and watching TV not so hot, unless i was asleep first and didn't know. ( again, just my opinion). naughty/ dirty texts are good. but, honestly, if she's alone at home they don't have the same affect as if she were at work and got it. or even if you know she's going to be out shopping or at the gym or something.....

 

 

i totally agree that she needs to get a job. there is NO reason for her not working!! NONE!

 

as a woman, i do have to wonder about the biopsy and the recent UTI though....

 

a friend of mine and i were talking about sex fixing things last night, and in both of our cases ( her case was more similar to what YOU'RE going through surfer) the sex didn't fix anything at all. in fact, down the line it just made things worse. the sex for sex sake i should say. not sex because you love each other terribly and want things to work out.....

[LifesontheUp]

From your more recent posts I would say that you sex should be on the back burner for the time being or you should go about it in a lets say a more romantic manner......set the mood, a nice dinner, some wine, a good movie and some relaxing time and see how it goes.

 

What concerns me still Surfer is you are going over and over the same ground but however many times your wife tells you she is going to get a job she just doesn't. This isn't the only thing you are probably going around in circles about I would bet.

 

You really need to start setting boundaries and implementing them. If it was me, I would be telling her that she should be applying for at least 20 jobs per day and you want to see the evidence of that i.e. emails of her CV to these firms etc

 

Show her you mean business because she really doesn't believe you do as you never ever follow through. That goes for her too Surfer, as talk is cheap. You need to see her take action.

[Surfer203]

updown: A female perspective is nice.. thanks. I don't think for us it would be a bad thing - but what do I know?! The biopsy was an abnormal area - turned out to be negative, just a weird anomaly, still it caused her some pain and she was not to have sex for a week. The UTI, I don't know she has a few of those over the years - I don't think much of it.

 

The job thing - yes she needs a job. I will start clamping down on that soon, giving her a week or so.

 

MSWS: I appreciate your vulgar pep talk, it is crude yet blatantly honest.

If you live anywhere near the New York City metro area, I would like to grab a drink with you - I am sure we would get into some trouble, haha.

Agreed, I have to get my balls back.

______________________________________

 

Back to reality.. hopefully none of this has turned off anyone who has been reading and helping me all along. I do really want to fix things, take a look above regarding the conversation my wife and I had yesterday. I would like more feedback.

[Surfer203]

Lifesontheup: I am with you. I want to see action but want to give her a little more time. Because she mentioned it, now time to see what happens - let her set herself or fail. It will be telling enough. I think you are right, the romance thing may work better than the animilistc way. Going to play this the best I can. Actions are everything I know that and boundries are a must.

[LifesontheUp]

Lifesontheup: I am with you. I want to see action but want to give her a little more time. Because she mentioned it, now time to see what happens - let her set herself or fail. It will be telling enough. I think you are right, the romance thing may work better than the animilistc way. Going to play this the best I can. Actions are everything I know that and boundries are a must.

 

Set a time limit for action and let her know you've set it. Give her consequences if she doesn't follow through.

 

As a woman, I would say romance is your best course of action with your marriage as it is.

[Surfer203]

Time limit and consequences are good.. I think I am too soft, I know I am.

 

Romance is a tough one.. when you are fighting and not getting along, romance seems desperate or phony.. hmmm don't know how to play this.

[Surfer203]

Trying my best to be myself, it's hard as you may know. I think joking, humor and laughter are really important aspects of life. Once you lose these things the world appears miserable IMO. Going to work on lightening my mood as I have mentioned and making her laugh. That is one of the things she loves about me.

[Surfer203]

Atlanta, that's too bad, haha. That line just made me laugh out loud in my office.

 

Anyway, back to normal conversation now and suggestions - thanks all.

[LifesontheUp]

Time limit and consequences are good.. I think I am too soft, I know I am.

 

Romance is a tough one.. when you are fighting and not getting along, romance seems desperate or phony.. hmmm don't know how to play this.

 

Tell her Friday when you finish work you are going to try and have some relaxing time together. Tell her you'll pick up some food on the way home, get her to set the table and some candles. Pick up a movie you think you could both watch. Even if you don't have sex, perhaps a few hours just chilling and relaxing will help.

 

Personally, the state your marriage is in at the moment, I would not recommend the cave man attitude when it comes to sex. It could just blow up in your face.

[Surfer203]

Sounds like a good plan.. I agree the caveman thing is probably not the best way to proceed to acheive my goal. While it does sound like a lot of fun... haha.

[worldgonewrong]

I have to concur with nixing the caveman-sex.

The thing about sex, especially during troubled times, is that it doesn't really solve anything. It's a great distraction, but it doesn't patch over the things that need to be fixed.

[Surfer203]

I tend to feel that if there is no sex then you are missing out on a certain aspect of the relationship that is important... intimate physical contact. I think it is necessary for a healthy marriage and if it is not happening, maybe doing it can help the situation.

 

I am hoping it leads to romance but who knows it could be bad. I think the smooth/romanic thing may not come off well and the caveman thing won't work with my wife. So, maybe a happy medium is in order.

[Steen719]

I tend to feel that if there is no sex then you are missing out on a certain aspect of the relationship that is important... intimate physical contact. I think it is necessary for a healthy marriage and if it is not happening, maybe doing it can help the situation.

 

I am hoping it leads to romance but who knows it could be bad. I think the smooth/romanic thing may not come off well and the caveman thing won't work with my wife. So, maybe a happy medium is in order.

 

Do you remember the quote from The Big Chill? It is below:

 

Sam Weber: Nothing's more important than sex!

Michael: Oh yeah, have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?

[What_Next]

She's your wife man... Grab her and tell her you want to ____ her brains out. I'm not sure where the problem is with that. Romance is needed of course from time to time, but just plain f____ng is needed.

 

I agree with worldgonewrong regarding sex during troubled times, such as seperation etc, but hell she is BACK with you right?

 

Sounds to me like this situation is a variety of the situation she put you in while you were sitting at home for her to "make her decision". I admire you, but hell if my wife pulled either of those things on me she'd be on the outside looking in. Just sayin'.

 

Surfer, you need to empower yourself to escape this semi-permanent limbo she has you in. She is either your wife or she isn't. There's no middle ground here, this is getting silly.

 

Grab a broom, open the door and sweep the eggshells outside. Get on with your life my friend. I really mean that. If your wife wants along for the ride, then so be it, if not, then so be it.

 

Get busy livin' or get busy diein'.

[Surfer203]

Steen.. good quote, I like that.

 

WN: You are right, it's a very similar limbo situation I am in AGAIN. I hate it, want it to be over, want us to move on and grow as individuals as well as a couple. You speak the truth and I have always valued your opinions. I am not second guessing you on anything you just mentioned above, nothing at all.

 

___________

 

Nothing eventful happening at the moment, will update soon.

[updown]

if you were a woman and i was trying to help i'd give absolutely OPPOSITE advice than this. ((like i said before my friend and i were just talking about sex fixing marriages last night. in our cases, and another close friend, we all ( as women) figured having sex for the sake of having sex would FIX things. well, i'm getting divorced. my one friend should be things are sooooo bad, and the third, she's been through 4+ years of H*LL, BUT!! things are just now starting to get better ( they have kids though......).))

 

here is your advice: if your wife is willing to have sex, ravish her! either piss or get off the pot, ya know? don't romance her and build up to something. take her! show her just how much you love her and want her, and want this! don't tell her you need to talk or anything like that, just do it!

 

i will also add, use some sort of protection! don't get your wife pg right now!!!! it would be bad!

 

if she seems to be having a hard time finding a job, look around for one for her. give her her own " honey do" list! and let her know you expect her to do these things. and tell her she will stop the extraneous spending once she is actually contributing to the household in some way. it can be through chores, or bringing in money. right now, you're just footing her lifestyle and that's about it. and there are NO consequences for any of her lack of participation......

[Surfer203]

updown: I don't assume it will FIX our marriage.. I think it may help to increase our connection, rebuild it a bit. I plan on working my magic very soon with her and yes condom is a must. Don't want a child with her at this point.. maybe in a few years (if we are still together) and she gets her head on straight.

 

Why should I look for a job for her or make her to do lists? She should be doing these things herself. I do feel that maybe I have created this monster.. I treated her way to well and she is spoiled. I assume her not doing anything is partially my fault.

[Lexygirl]

Surfer,

I have been following your thread from day one and well I have been feeling compelled to chime in so many times but you get so much good advice that they usually say close to what I want to say... so I don't bother.... and of course since you got the wrong impression of me on another thread, I wasn't going to say anything now either BUT I honestly feel like I can help you... hopefully you can listen and heed my advice...

 

What I really wanna say is this....

All I ever wanted my ex-husband (we are separated) to do is show me how much he wants me and to be wayyyyy more assertive in so many ways....

 

I can guarantee you that your wife wants to see you become assertive.

Physically, emotionally... in every way. As far as sex... flirt with her for a bit... go with your attraction for her man... if you are in fact attracted to her still...show her ! Just DO SOMETHING. Grab her butt while she is doing the dishes.. kiss her neck... then whisper in her ear how hot she looks and how much you want her.... Kiss her... feel her body. Then take her hand and take her to your bed.

She needs you to be her man ! This is no time to be complacent ! Complacency is part of what made my marriage fail.

I know you've been told this in the past but I emplore you to put your foot down with her too ! This is going to be hard to hear but I honestly believe she is having sex with other men.... You two don't seem to be connecting at all and she seems to be way more interested in going out than spending time with you.. That's WRONG ! You two need to be doing things together... even if it means you are out of your comfort level or tired. Push yourself.

 

She asked you how she can make you feel more comfortable with her going out..... You need to tell her that you will ONLY feel comfortable when she goes out IF you are with her ! WTF? I honestly don't get you letting her go out all the time alone ! It's just so wrong on so many levels.

I just don't get it.

 

I also hate to say this (and I am only going by what I've read here and my gut) but I really feel like she's using you to have a place to stay while she goes out and messes around any chance she gets ! She is NOT contributing to your marriage... she's a princess with a sense of entitlement and I know you love her but goodness how can you put up with all this for so long?

 

Anyway, I hope this helps and makes you maybe wake up a bit because I feel like you are goin on and on and on and on and just hoping through some miracle that things will suddenly become better...... NOTHING will happen until you show her how much of a MAN you are. Don't let any other male be with her anymore..... YOU are married to her ... YOU should be with her... period !

 

Good luck.

[updown]

re the job thing, i meant it as a "show her you're serious about her finding a job." if she's not going to do it, and you're just going to keep waiting for it to happen, it might not.

 

so, either set a deadline, but then you have to follow through with it or you're going to be walked over again. OR, you help her. you show her you are SERIOUS! she needs to contribute. she needs to be working!!!

 

she really does sound like she behaves much like a child without boundaries. and when dealing with kids like that, you have to have consequences, but the biggest part of getting them to change, is that you have to FOLLOW THROUGH with the consequences.

 

so, you set a deadline of say july 1 she has to have a job. july 1 comes and goes and no job. now what? do you move it to aug 1? do you say, ok no more spending money? or, ok, you can concentrate on chores? or, that's it.... you're out! OR, you could say " either you find a job by july or *I* will find one for you!" which is easier for you to follow through with?

 

and you make her lists to SHOW her you're serious! she's getting a free ride from you now. she should not be allowed to just hang out, use your money, stress you out, help you accrue debt..... and the list goes on. she needs to participate in living YOUR life ( as a couple). she doesn't know if she wants to be married to you. she is confused. but, right now you're letting her live there, rent free. use your money to have fun. etc.

 

i am not in her head so i don't know how her thought processes work, but believe me from a female perspective... she has no job, she has debt, she has little options in the area. and you're making it easy for her to stay and not carry her end of the responsibilities. women will stay. it's often easier to stay than it is to leave. especially when you don't have much going for you if you do leave. you want your marriage to work. make HER work for your marriage too. don't ask her, TELL her. if she wants to stay with you ( you don't have to say stay married to) she has to pull her weight!! would you let a roommate act this way? or would you expect them to at participate in at least some of the work?

[sumdude]

Gotta agree with a lot of what Lexygirl posted.

 

Time to change the name of this thread to:

 

How to make decisions while wife stays insane!

 

and change your approach to this whole thing. You start making the decisions.

Edited June 8, 2011 by sumdude

[Mz. Pixie]

I am a woman and I say ravish! It's time. Of course if she seems resistant then of course don't go through with it but at least try. Be sexy and fun about it don't ask for freaking permission. She is your wife.

 

I am a strong strong willed woman. You asked me earlier how I would feel if my husband said those kinds of things to me. He wouldn't have to. If I were the one who had the affair-and I wanted to work things out-and keep my man-I wouldn't be dragging my feet on whether or not I wanted to stay. I would be doing what it took to work on my marriage. She is not doing that.

 

My husband has never been without female companionship if he wanted it. I have no doubt if we split up-he'd be devastated-and he would grieve. But I know deep down inside the next time he wanted to go to dinner after that he would have a dinner date without looking too hard. Which is why I would never do to him what your wife is doing to you. Never. Because I would be afraid of losing him.

 

She's either not afraid of losing you or doesn't care either way.