How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[FreeNow]

My question is, why the hell do I keep doing this? I keep starting fights and being edgey. How do I stop doing this?!

 

... by doing a 180 and working on yourself.

 

 

 

 

(Steadfast, thanks for the kind comments earlier in the thread. )

[Memphis Raines]

Memphis, maybe you are right - I am not quite there yet though. I have a little more fight in me before I quit.

 

but you are fighting for a prize that I wouldn't store in a musty basement.

 

Like Frank Barone said when Marie said she was his trophy wife

"What contest in hell did I win?"

[Nickel]

Here's my favorite quote for these types of situations, I think it says it all in one concise sentence.

 

"Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

 

Best of luck.

 

That is so awesome of a statement. Nothing says it better

[jstobo]

 

jstobo: Yeah.. haha close. I was trying to work my magic prior to me going to bed and it didn't happen. GOOD F'ING CALL MY FRIEND!

 

My love language is her feet behind her head. No seriously... haha I appreciate all of the housewife type of stuff, but love.. I just want to feel affection and warmth from her. Kisses, hugs and the occasional sweet comment. That's all I want from her.

 

But you didn't answer the other part of the question. What is her love language? Yes, I want my W's feet behind her head as well, but I have to do certain things to get that. What does she want from you to gladly give you what you want?

[Surfer203]

jstobo: She requires romancing.. sweet, passionate and genuine. No horny dog stuff - that does not work with her.

 

MSWS: That would probably do my some good.. haha!

 

Ahh.. thanks everyone else ..some of you for inspiring, good advice.. some of you for humorous stuff. Thanks.

[jstobo]

jstobo: She requires romancing.. sweet, passionate and genuine. No horny dog stuff - that does not work with her.

 

MSWS: That would probably do my some good.. haha!

 

Ahh.. thanks everyone else ..some of you for inspiring, good advice.. some of you for humorous stuff. Thanks.

 

Surfer: I am sorry Dude, but that just described every woman!! You're not getting what I'm asking. My W likes romance and passion as well. That just gets her to have sex with me. What gets her to be in love with me are the other things I mentioned in an earlier post. Taking her car and filling it with gas and washing it. Getting up with the kids on Sunday morning and taking them out so she can sleep in peacefully. Letting her know how much I appreciate the dinner she made. Recognizing how great of a mom she is. Her anti-love language is anger. It takes days for her to recover from a time I get angry with her. Try to figure out what she needs that does not include affection or sex.

[Surfer203]

jstobo: I DO those things that every woman wants. I do everything, take care of everything and care for her, love her, respect her, compliment her. I think I am an awesome husband.. she claims I am the perfect husband on paper. WTF.

 

Anyway, going to try and go in to this weekend with a different mindset. Wish me luck.

[sumdude]

jstobo: I DO those things that every woman wants. I do everything, take care of everything and care for her, love her, respect her, compliment her. I think I am an awesome husband.. she claims I am the perfect husband on paper. WTF.

 

 

Yeah, TOO perfect.. especially right now. You need to be a bit more of a harda$$. She needs to re -earn that stuff.

[Surfer203]

sumdude: She certainly needs to be shaken up... that is for sure.

 

Really getting to my end here - can't do this anymore. Sink or swim.

[jstobo]

jstobo: I DO those things that every woman wants. I do everything, take care of everything and care for her, love her, respect her, compliment her. I think I am an awesome husband.. she claims I am the perfect husband on paper. WTF.

 

Anyway, going to try and go in to this weekend with a different mindset. Wish me luck.

 

Dude, I hear you. Those things are what my W wants. It doesn't mean it's what your W wants. But have a good weekend!!

[Surfer203]

Thanks I appreciate it jstobo. By the attitude I am detecting through her short text messages, should be a fun one... ***sigh***

[Lexygirl]

Surfer, I have a question for you...

Does your wife wear her wedding ring?

Thanks

[findingmeagain]

Speaking from a woman's POV, you really need to man up! I have read this whole thread and all you seem to do is talk. All big talk and no action is not going to make her want to be with you. A woman wants to know she can rely on a man, that he will take action and do what he has to do to get what he wants. This thread and your continual tip-toeing around makes me roll my eyes daily. Your wife is obviously just cruising along being financially supported in her pseudo single lifestyle until the 'bigger better deal' comes along.

 

If you want her to take you seriously TELL her exactly how it's gonna be...going out alone late at night is not acceptable in any marriage on a regular basis. And hon you are beyond naive if you think she is just out with the girls!! She is showing you no respect at all...stand up and demand some!!!

[Mz. Pixie]

She is your wife. She decided to leave you for another man. I know what you are saying about her feeling guilty and she's been hard on herself. I get that. I am still to this day hard on myself for what I did and that don't go away overnight but....I just don't see her making any efforts. She is the one that made the choice - NOT YOU! She needs to bend over backwards to gain any respect back from you. Going out all hours of the night clubbing with friends is not respect. It is disrespectful in a healthy marriage - in a relationship already struggling - it's shameful and selfish. You do not deserve to not sleep well because your worrying about her being out all night at the club. She deserves to be not sleeping well worrying about how to win your respect back. Plain and simple.

 

If she really wants the marriage to work she will sacrifice. She must sacrifice now. She do not have the luxury of going back to "normal". There is no "normal" for her now. She gave that luxury up when she decided to leave you. The fact of the matter is she lost your trust and she need not get angry or upset about that - she needs to get to work and do EVERYTHING to earn it back.

 

You need to make a list up of things she should be doing to EARN your respect back..make you feel more comfortable. Start with suggestions others have given on this post. Heck, list them on paper if that helps and go over them with her. Even ask her if she has anything to add to that list that might help.

 

I know for me...If WN had of said drive around the earth and back again to make him feel more comfortable - I would have - no questions asked and I'd still do it today and 10 years from now if it helps him.

 

If my email at work is down I will call WN from the office to give him that assurance that I am where I say I am. Now he didn't ask me to do that but it is something I want to do..I don't want to cause anymore hurt and worry for him. I don't delete my in/outbox on my phone. I leave them there at all times in case he would happen to want to see it - I don't want him to question why they are all deleted. I want to give him that piece of mind. I text him when I leave for work in the morning and I email him when I get in the office. I text him when I leave..and I tell him if I have to make stops and when I arrive home. This is not something I have to do - actually WN has said many times that I don't need to do that anymore. I still do it - It feels great to give him that bit of comfort, if that's what you'd call it.

 

One thing I guess that really bothers me..the clubbing...I was never into clubbing or maybe I'm just getting old. You are obiously not at ease with it...then she needs to correct it and make you more comfortable. It's not acceptable for a married person period.

 

Heaven's Surfer..make your list and stick to it.

1. Search for a job

2. Keep the house while she is not working (not a feminist thing - just paying her way while she is not working)

3. Meals to be made while she is not working(also not a feminist thing - just paying her way while she is not working)

4. Being completely open - passwords and complete phone and computer access

5. No more clubbing or like was mentioned before compromise...if she wants to go out clubbing..instad of going 3/7 nights..she goes out 1/7 and you go with her and she leaves with you.

6. tell her to read up on wayward spouses and damage it does to families and everyone involved. 7. Have her research reconcillition process after an affair. Is she doing any research on reconcilliations? Besides the councelling what else is she doing?

 

 

As your relationship changes and your needs change..your list will change too and that is OK. Why don't you ask her to make a list of things she could do to help you feel better and things that she needs. Let her have input..let her own it and make her stand behind it. Anything you need her to do..needs to be consistant. She don't slow down clubbing for a month and then it starts back up again. CONSISTANCY.

 

 

Honestly Surfer - you know how much I have been rooting for you. I have like many other have been behind you since day one. You need to stand up and say to her.. " I love you and I want to be with you but I learned when you left me I can be without you. I can survive without you. I dont want to - but I can. If you want to be with me then here are things that you need to do. If you can't do it I understand but I can't go further in this relationship." You need to stand tall and tell her that she has to make a choice now and follow through. Whatever choice she makes..your life will go on.

 

I feel horrible reading your posts Surfer. The pain just pours out of it. You starting fights is natural. You are angry and it has to come out at some point. The anger for what she did and I bet alot of anger for what she is not doing now. Stop worrying about loosing her if you put your foot down about things that she shouldn't be doing anyway such as clubbing all hours of the night. The risk that you will loose her is far greater if you don't say something. You have proved to her over and over again that you love her and that you want to be with her. Hell you took her back after she left. Enough said! Now she has to prove to you that she wants to be with you. Demand it - you do not deserve this treatment but unless you tell her what you expect - she won't know..hence the anger cycles back again. She is making it hard and you are making it much harder by not following through with the advice given.

 

 

I wish you all the best. We are all still in your corner of the ring in this battle of yours.

 

You know if you have any specific questions from my perspective..you know where I am. Any time.

 

Tough love Surfer - remember - Tough love works.

 

She has given you excellent advice here. These are the things a wife should do when she is trying to prove to her husband that she can be trusted. Excellent!!! She spelled it out much better than I did.

 

I asked you before what your wife's love language is-and you didn't answer. I believe it would benefit you greatly from picking up a copy of the Five Love Languages and reading it. Identify what your wife's love languages are. Then go about finding interesting ways to speak her love language.

 

Women are attracted to a man who meets her needs-but is not a doormat. Any guy can run home from work and pick up flowers-or throw a load of laundry in. Not that those things are not wonderful and important-they are-but do something that takes effort on your part. Let me give you an example.

 

Every once in a while my husband will hear me say in passing something that I really like. It could be something silly or inexpensive or something more pricey. At a later date that will show up for me as a gift-totally out of the blue. Two of my favorites are a Cabbage Patch doll he bought me after overhearing me tell my daughter I had always wanted one growing up. The other was a Gingerbread Girl stuffed pillow I admired in Cracker Barrel. Neither cost over $25.00. It was just that I only slightly mentioned them in passing as something I liked or wanted and they popped up. Could he have picked up the phone and ordered flowers. Sure. Would I still be talking about them later? Nope.

 

I firmly believe it is so important to meet each others emotional needs in a long term relationship-if you want that to last. It's important to identify those needs and set about meeting them. It's more ideal for her to rate what hers are-and you rate yours but that of course would come later if you are both making attempts to mend your relationship. She is not interested right now in meeting your needs.

 

Owl is right that she has no incentive right now to make changes. I pointed that out in my original post to you as well.

[jstobo]

She has given you excellent advice here. These are the things a wife should do when she is trying to prove to her husband that she can be trusted. Excellent!!! She spelled it out much better than I did.

 

I asked you before what your wife's love language is-and you didn't answer. I believe it would benefit you greatly from picking up a copy of the Five Love Languages and reading it. Identify what your wife's love languages are. Then go about finding interesting ways to speak her love language.

 

Women are attracted to a man who meets her needs-but is not a doormat. Any guy can run home from work and pick up flowers-or throw a load of laundry in. Not that those things are not wonderful and important-they are-but do something that takes effort on your part. Let me give you an example.

 

Every once in a while my husband will hear me say in passing something that I really like. It could be something silly or inexpensive or something more pricey. At a later date that will show up for me as a gift-totally out of the blue. Two of my favorites are a Cabbage Patch doll he bought me after overhearing me tell my daughter I had always wanted one growing up. The other was a Gingerbread Girl stuffed pillow I admired in Cracker Barrel. Neither cost over $25.00. It was just that I only slightly mentioned them in passing as something I liked or wanted and they popped up. Could he have picked up the phone and ordered flowers. Sure. Would I still be talking about them later? Nope.

 

I firmly believe it is so important to meet each others emotional needs in a long term relationship-if you want that to last. It's important to identify those needs and set about meeting them. It's more ideal for her to rate what hers are-and you rate yours but that of course would come later if you are both making attempts to mend your relationship. She is not interested right now in meeting your needs.

 

Owl is right that she has no incentive right now to make changes. I pointed that out in my original post to you as well.

 

Love it!! Bingo!!

[Surfer203]

Lexy: Yes she does wear her wedding ring. Never takes it off to my knowledge, only time she does is she we go surfing because it could slip off on the water.

 

Well people who want me to man up.. tonight I did. I told her that it makes me feel disrespected when she does not do her share around the house and it went on and on about other things that she is letting me down with. She mentioned that recently she started doing her part around the house and felt bad not doing much prior to that. Some how I am the bad guy for bringing this up.

 

Also, apparently I have more patience than her - so when I freak out she does not have much patience for it - yet I have enough patience to accept a cheater back into my life and support her ass. Bullsh**. Seriously, getting to my end here - if things don't change very soon then I can't hang on much longer.

 

She also wants ME to tell her what would make more comfortable, shouldn't she be able to just figure that out and do it?

 

Kind of annoyed right now. She claims that I say I want her to leave then I say I want to work things out. Blah blah blah, I said get out twice within the past 2 weeks. I am just losing my cool. I did not raise my voice to her though during this fight, I kept mellow.

 

Funny enough one of her girlfriends came over tonight, I have never met her. She told me to my wife that I was a perfect 10 and later told my wife she thought I was so cute. Hahaha - I would have no problem finding other women.. maybe that will show my wife how great I am - who the F knows?!

 

I am a bit buzzed - had a cocktail tonight. Sorry if I am rambling, haha.

 

findingmeagain: I am not convinced that she is cheating this time.. I still have paranoia about it. Just based on what happened I think that is normal.

 

Pixie: I did have that talk with her.. "I don't need to be with you but I want to work it out because I love you, etc.etc." this talk happened.. she responded with "I appreciate you putting it that way" - You are right though she is consumed with fulfilling her own needs currently. Personally I derive a lot of my joy from helping others and making others happy.. I love doing that.. it makes me feel complete. She does not apparently.

[Surfer203]

Oh and I just noticed this thread is now rated as 4 stars instead of 5. It does not really matter but to me this thread is really good.. it shows the fu***** torment that a human being has endured and has not given up yet. Lots of amazing advice from tons of people, whether I take it or not. This is a great thread for many reasons. Just thought I would say that. Many of you I owe a lot too.. you have helped keep my mind from giving up.. doing something bad to myself. I appreciate all of the love and support. I have made some real friends here, whether or not we will ever actually meet in real life, haha. Thanks.

[Surfer203]

Lastly... and this is not a drunken rant, because I am not really drunk... Please, if you are annoyed by me - annoyed that I am not taking advice or being stupid then please don't read this thread anymore or don't comment. I am still struggling.. no matter what I do I am living in misery. I don't want people to beat me up anymore - I get it. I know what I have to do.. I am really trying to do so.

[Mz. Pixie]

Yes, we want you to man up sweetie-but what you are doing is discussing things with her everyday. You are so frustrated and upset and understandably so that you emotionally vomit on her constantly.

 

You have to stop doing that. Now.

 

Yes, to some extent you should tell her what she can do to make you more comfortable with trusting her-ie how to earn your trust back. No- she shouldn't just know. People are not born knowing how to be good wives or husbands. They are not born knowing how to recover from affairs. She is not a mind reader but she could put action into her words by reading a book- say Surviving an affair.

 

Could you possibly try to limit your heavy conversations with her to once a week? Set a time aside to talk about things perhaps?

 

Have you thought about what I said about the love languages? Even if you don't end up staying with your wife-it's knowledge that you can use in the future later on. No relationship lasts without work-it is work.

 

What do you think led her to have the affair? Just curious as to your insight after all of this time.

[robf1971]

so that you emotionally vomit on her constantly.

 

You have to stop doing that. Now. .

 

This is precisely why my wife walked away, she told me in MC. I've stopped doing that totally, completely 180 degrees. We are reconciled

 

What more can I say

[debtman]

surfer, I think a big part of this is accepting that you WILL be fine without her, if it comes to that. The 180 doesn't mean that you need to ignore the other person or be mean to them, it just means that instead of focusing all of your emotional energy on the relationship and on them, you focus it on yourself, because, in the end, YOU are the only one you can be SURE you can count on, so be ready and able, at any moment, to spend the rest of your life living with yourself, happily...

 

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[updown]

what debtman said :-)

 

if *I* can survive, you can!! you CAN!!!

[Surfer203]

Mz. Pixie.. good suggestion on limiting the deep conversations. I will get into that with my update below.

 

rob: Working on not emotionally vomiting constantly, haha.

 

debtman: Starting to do a nice 180 will get into it below.

 

Update:

 

So, this weekend was interesting. Big fights again of course, my wife went out with some girlfriends on Friday and was home at a pretty reasonable hour. I played wit cool, it didn't bother me, I even met one of her new girlfriends from the gym and made a good impression, she said in front of my wife that I am a 10 and a real keeper... haha!

 

Anyway, the next night I got upset because she was awake playing a video game and chatting over the headset with some friends. It woke me up and when I wake up I get upset, so I go down stairs and it escalates into a verbal fight. She decided to sleep on the couch because she was so upset.

 

Then yesterday afternoon we had a big, good talk. I put everything on the table, told her how I feel and what I expect. We worked out some rules to help us along.

 

1. She will limit how often/how late she goes out - we have not decided on the exact parameters yet.

 

2. The late nights and hanging out are temporary because she is unemployed a more normal schedule will follow once she is working.

 

3. Marriage counseling starting again as soon as possible

 

4. I tend to blow up and have a huge talks (fights) that are emotionally draining.. from now on I will try and pause, maybe write down some notes about what I am upset about and save them for a weekly conversation (thanks to Mz. Pixie for this suggestion) We both agreed that is a smart way to proceed, will avoid fights that are not necessary.

 

5. She will tell her male friend (whom I have known for most of my life) that I am not comfortable with them being friends/hanging out at night etc., but don't want to tell them not to be friends. I am positive that this is a strictly platonic relationship, so let's not bark up this tree.

 

6. We will think of ways to make me more comfortable with her having a social life (which I am not used to quite yet)

 

7. Keep doing things independtly to build our own lives socially

 

8. Do more fun things together to build our relationship and bond.

 

So, hopefully those things start to help.

 

Beyond that we had a talk about the not having sex recently thing. Basically, after she had her medical test - she has felt weird ever since that.. apparently it brought up in her mind some how the situation that happened with the OM and brought about weird feelings.. her therapist relates the examination and biopsy she received to a sexual assault in a sense. Not that is was a sexual assault it was a medical procedure for haeven's sake, however she thinks maybe it affected her on that level. My wife insists that I am not the issue. I am sure the constant fighting for the past month has not helped either.

 

Anyway, there it is.

[updown]

sounds like maybe some progress was made this weekend! i hope she gets a job quickly, and that the nights get better. she is doing what someone's signature states, making you an option and that HAS to stop!!!

 

re: the sex/ procedure talk...... i am a woman, and i'm also a nurse, and she could be telling the truth regarding her feelings of the OM and the procedure. but, there are also reasons that women need things like that done and some of them come from having many sex partners ( especially unprotected ones) and some come from things like HPV. when you said she had this done and was no longer sleeping with you, i'll just say it stood out to me. i'm not saying she has anything of these things in her case, just caught MY attention!

 

i hope this week gets better each day! also, you are entitled to ALL of your feelings, good, bad or indifferent! don't apologize for the fact that you feel the way you do!!

[Surfer203]

MSWS: Again to clarify, she generally only goes out once a week at night. I agree, she has to find a job soon and she knows it too.

 

updown: I would consider it progress. I hope the same things....

The doctor found scarring on her cervix which appeared as abnormal so they had to biopsy.. could have been HPV that cleared up at some point or could have been. She has only been with one other person since we have been married and that was the OM. Anyway, she has a clean bill of health from her doctor and gyno, she got full STD and HIV testing 2 weeks before she left the OM and then went again after she got home based on my request. So.. she is fine. But the emotional aspect of it is bothering her now. What can I do to make her more comfortable?