Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 updown: I have never apologized for my feelings only my reactions or the way I deal with my feelings. Thanks, I hope each day gets better and better. Yesterday turned out to be a decent day between us and we will see where it goes from here. She kissed and hugged me a few times yesterday and this morning it was nice. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Here's my take... 1. The late nights shouldn't be temporary...they should be DONE WITH. Her having a job or not has nothing to do with staying out late like that...sorry...her marriage and committment to you should have more to do with it than her sleeping hours/working hours. 2. Never set an unmeasureable goal or boundary. Set times that she should be in by...ASAP. Don't wait to do that, or it'll never get set. An unmeasureable boundary is an unenforcable one. 3. What are your recourses if she doesn't follow through on these things she's agreed to do? 4. Late night gaming needs to end too. That's PRECISELY what led to a huge falling out and eventually to my wife's online EA. Trust me...it sets the stage for bad things. The two of you should go to bed together, and get up together. She can use her time during the day to look for a job, and spend the time at night with you, and/or playing some online while you're there doing other activities as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 Owl.. I am with you man about going out at night. Regarding the goals.. that is kind of my choice at this time, I told her I would think about her "curfew" and would let her know. Regarding what I will do if she does not follow through is to drop her like a hot potato. The gaming, yeah.. I get on her about playing all the time, she likes to play and that is fine but staying up late is not acceptable to me. We have also put a limit on how long she will play and if I am awoken to her talking she needs to stop immediately. I like the idea of going to bed and waking up at the same time, it feels good. Today was had breakfast together before I went to work - that felt great.. felt comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 4. Late night gaming needs to end too. That's PRECISELY what led to a huge falling out and eventually to my wife's online EA. Trust me...it sets the stage for bad things. The two of you should go to bed together, and get up together. Amen to that dude. Same thing happened to me too, 3 times. World Of Warcrap has a lot to answer for. She needs to cut that sh*t out RIGHT NOW. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 You know...I don't know if either of ya'll have had reason to back and look my story up. Bottom line is that my wife broke her leg, lost her job as a result, and then a combination of online gaming addiction (Everquest back then) and depression set in to make things just impossible for our marriage. All of this contributed to things culminating with her nearly leaving me for someone she met in game. So when it comes to the "keep the same hours" and issues with gaming...trust me...that I know painfully well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 Well.. she plays Call of Duty on Xbox, haha. Not world of warcraft, thankfully. Anyway, she only plays with the headset with my friends (now have become her friends as well). So, I am not worried about her meeting strangers online, that is not even a second thought in my mind. But I can see the potential in a WOWC or one of those types of games, interacting with strangers non stop. I could see something bad happening there. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 My wife's affair began online, as well. That is like playing with a loaded handgun. I work in the IT field and have done so for longer than I'd care to remember and trust me when I say it can be VERY dangerous. How do you know it's only your friends she plays with? Not to beat up on you, but I am with Owl, the going out thing, dealbreaker. Sorry but it is. Especially now. Reflect on what my wife told you. She laid it all out very well. Apart from that, you seem to be making at least some progress. Link to post Share on other sites
updown Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 i'm not saying you actively apologize to HER for your feelings, i'm saying you have every right to feel what you feel. don't down play them, don't side step them, don't try to excuse or explain them away! OWN THEM!! so often i felt like "once this passes things will get better," or " once he has this job things will get better." i excused and accepted and tolerated, and downplayed half the stuff in our marriage doing what you're doing. my advice, DON"T DO IT! you don't want to look back in 15 yrs, like i am, and think WHYYYYYYY!!!! regarding the gaming. one solution a friend of mine came up with so her husband could play but it not interfere in their life and relationship as husband and wife. ideally you two should be getting into bed at the same time as many nights as you can. so, they agreed that he can play whatever it is he plays ( with the headset thing) one night a week for however long he wants. that way, 6 nights a week he goes to bed when she does. if i were in your shoes, i would do the same. she is doing what is called escaping, or avoiding, by playing games and by staying out and staying up late. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 WN: I know for a fact she only plays with my friends. My friends play every night basically. I don't think her goal is to cheat again to be honest. You guys have to understand in our marriage previously we did not go out EVER. We did not have our own friends and that was part of the issue leading to what went down. It is very important for both of us to socialized in this instance. How frequently/how late at night is another story, which we are addressing. Yeah.. I think we are making a little bit of progress. Tonight I am going to my therapist to discuss some stuff.. we will also be doing MC very soon. To be honest, if my wife was done with me after all of the fighting recently I would have expected her to run but she is listening to what I have to say and accepting that things have to change and there are points for us both to work on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 updown: I do feel my feelings and express them. I think I lack a "filter" though and once I get going I can't stop. It morphs into a fight every time. Regarding the gaming.. I could see that, and that is not a bad idea, playing once a week for however long. Some people just get hooked on these games as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 MSWS: I would not call you the most blunt person on here, I would probably award PegNosePete with that honor. However, you may be one of the funniest. All kidding aside, She is taking steps to make the marriage work or so it seems. Going to give her a little bit of time to follow through. If I am not satisfied then I will not continue on and that's the truth. I really put my foot down this weekend in our talks. I think it will make a difference, if not I will be a bachelor on the prowl again. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 I think it will make a difference, if not I will be a bachelor on the prowl again. I wish I could believe you on this aspect Surfer. I really do. Your wife needs to bloody well believe it as well. Respect, and consequences of her actions my friend, not sure either has set in just yet. Good luck as always. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 WN: I am not sure if either of those have set in yet... but I am seeing some positive changes. Not getting my hopes up though. Thanks for the well wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 She is taking steps to make the marriage work or so it seems. Going to give her a little bit of time to follow through. . What, specifically, is she doing different today than she was last week, or the week before? What's DIFFERENT today than it was before? Again, specifics...and not just what she's "said" she'll change. Not calling you out bro...not at all. Just wanting to make sure you're looking at her ACTIONS, and not just listening to her words. Link to post Share on other sites
findingmeagain Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 (edited) Just because she is playing online with your friends does not mean your marriage is any safer!! Trust me, I have first hand experience, most cheating happens with close friends of the spouse. She has proven herself to be a cheater so you don't just give her the benefit of the doubt. We are not trying to pick on you mate, we just don't think you have your eyes open to what she is doing and what could happen. We don't want to see you crash and burn again!! Edited June 13, 2011 by findingmeagain Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 What, specifically, is she doing different today than she was last week, or the week before? What's DIFFERENT today than it was before? Again, specifics...and not just what she's "said" she'll change. Not calling you out bro...not at all. Just wanting to make sure you're looking at her ACTIONS, and not just listening to her words. Right. I'm pondering this as well. What I have noticed is lip service- and putting out your glass and towel. A couple of kisses and hugs. I still would like to point to the fact that she doesn't have a job right now-and you are by your own admission in debt. That could be a potential reason she hasn't gone anywhere yet. No place to go so she throws you a few crumbs. What are your wife's love languages?? Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 MSWS: I would not call you the most blunt person on here, I would probably award PegNosePete with that honor. However, you may be one of the funniest. Wehey thank you Well since Dexter hasn't been around much lately I thought I should take up the torch Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 (edited) I thought I'd check in on our buddy and see how you are doing. Have you set up real boundaries for your wife regarding going out? What difference did your talk on the weekend make? Was it just talk or are there actual actions and consequences? Edited June 14, 2011 by Donewrong Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Damn, I just wrote out a huge response. To address most of you: I have set boundries. She will be allowed to go out on occasion but no late nights. Video games are allowed but no late nights and no talking after I am asleep. We will pick up at MC again, she is also reading self help books on shame/guilt which she is struggling with. She will tell her male friend that I am not comfortable with their friendship - it could destroy their friendship but she is willing to do that for me. She has been cleaning the house and taking care of groceries and household duties. She is preparing her resume and submitting it for jobs - she has two friends that will pass her resume on to their bosses (corporations). What else, what else? I don't know - since our talk on Sunday things have been okay, I sense a bit more of loving vibe between us. I am not getting overly optimistic though, trying to be realistic. Mz. Pixie: I have not researched love languages yet but I will today - been busy! Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Surfer all of those things are good things from my perspective. I would be VERY clear about the consequences should she not want to follow through on them though. So far it is only words, not actions. Good luck with the "languages of love" thing, our MC tried that way back when and honestly I think it is a pile of _____. The same thing can be accomplished by opening clear lines of communication between your partner and simply straight out asking what they respond to. Then again I am quite jaded when it comes to the whole MC/self help aspect of relationships, I feel it more often boils down to respect, honesty and communication, not difficult. Lastly, what about YOU? What are you doing for YOU? New clothes? A hobby you used to enjoy? Something, anything just for YOU. It doesn't have to include your wife either, although that is not necessarily a bad thing. This whole episode has destroyed your self esteem, it bleeds right through your posts. Get to work on rebuilding it, rebuilding your confidence, your sense of happiness. Talk about 'languages of love' well a confident, happy man is often irrestible to the opposite sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 WN: They are good things, she knows those are things that all have to happen to try and fix things. If things don't get fixed then it's over - she knows it. The languages of love thing, I don't know - I am willing to look at it at least. But I do agree that communication and respect are key. For myself, not been doing a ton unfortunately - I know I have to get back on track with the gym and I have gone out with some friends a bit here and there. Not enough, I know... I am just starting to not feel as depressed so now is the time to get my s*** together. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Surfer doing something for yourself, especially something like working out, will help in fighting and warding off depression and in turn help you be stronger emotionally. You need that strength to uphold the consequences to those boundaries. You have to start looking after you. You put the bouindaries in place now it is up to her to prove to you that she really wants this by her actions and you to follow through with the consequences if need be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 DW: I know I should be but the sadness has been too great up until recently. I think now I am getting to a place where I can start to live my life again. I do plan to enforce the boundries, my plan is now that it is all out there I will give her some rope. As my friend debtman puts it she will either pull herself in or hang herself. I am going to give her that option and not push her one way or another. The actions will determine the outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted June 14, 2011 Author Share Posted June 14, 2011 Well.. it is really a rollercoaster... I was feeling pretty good and now I feel sad again. I hate this, wish things could just be resolved. I wish we still had a path and goals to achieve. That is the worst thing right now, living with out goals.. nothing to look forward to specifically. Link to post Share on other sites
Donewrong Posted June 14, 2011 Share Posted June 14, 2011 Surfer..you do have a goal and a path..to LIVE! The goal is to get back to enjoying life. We all want the same for you...we want you to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
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