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How to stay sane while wife is making decision?


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DW: I appreciate that. I am trying - the goal before was clear, have kids, start our family and live life. Now my goal is to repair my marriage mainly and of course to live life. I just feel derailed.. a bit hopeless.

 

Enough of that.. have to get back on track. I have been more chipper recently not sure what changed. Worry creeping back in again. Have to block it out.

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Here's a thought...do something for yourself today - stop off at the gym on your way home or grab a water and take a walk before you go home. Something for you!

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I think I am going reduce the frequency of my posts. Unless A. There is something to report. B. Some one makes a comment that I feel like I should respond to right away C. I am depressed and down and need to vent

 

Otherwise, I think I am still too stuck here, obsessing over it. I need to live.

 

During a talk with my wife, she seemed to think that maybe I post here too much or read in to what people are saying too much or perceive things wrong possibly. Who knows.. I agree in some ways but for the most part this has been hugely therapeutic and helpful.

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Oh yeah.. I don't know if I mentioned this but my wife did say that when she gets a job her frequency of going out/socializing and staying up late playing video games will not continue. Part of me thought this was going to be an on-going thing. So... yeah.

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I want to add that more than the love language method I really believe in the love bank method made famous by Willard Harley who wrote His Needs Her Needs How to Affair Proof your marriage. They also have a website. You can google marriagebuilders. I believe it is the most sucessful method of making your marriage work, personally. Love languages are a start when combined with the love bank.

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Pixie: I have read that marriagebuilders site quite a bit.. I think it may be some what helpful.

 

Tonight we have our first MC session in over a month - hmm maybe longer. Should be interesting. Getting along well so far still, have had a minor discussion to reiterate some of our points from last weekend. No issues there.

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Hey Surfer,

 

I'm glad to hear that things with your wife are improving. Just keep up the good work but make sure she keeps her end of the bargain as well. :)

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BlindRage: Thanks a lot.. I do feel things are improving slightly, I still feel weird though - still feel pessimistic about the long term outcome of our reconciliation.

 

She is doing the right things so far, doing housework, looking for work, respecting my wishes so far, we are not argueing and we are getting along, laughing a bit - been watching comedies to lighten the mood. Both of us agreed to have conversations on a weekly basis about things that are bothering us. I have been writing issues down instead of starting a fight every day with her about every little topic. So, we have held to that, our weekly conversation will happen tomorrow.

 

I don't know.. I want to have some hope but I have been crushed by her in the past so it is hard to get overly excited. Trying to be a good husband and human being, enjoy life, be in a upbeat mood .. hopefully she will see that.

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Had a MC session yesterday, we both agreed that it was a good session. She broke down crying twice. She is hanging on to so much guilt and shame about what she did to me in the fall, that is clear. It was good to talk openly like that and get some stuff out there. We have not fought since Saturday.. so, seems to be going well so far. Still viewing the glass as half empty in terms of our relationship right now. Hoping that will change.

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I appreciate it! Thanks!

 

She is going through a selfish time right now obviously. I think our therapist was able to shed a bit of light on that and she is seeing things from my perspective a little more clearly.

 

Only time will tell!

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worldgonewrong
Still viewing the glass as half empty in terms of our relationship right now.

 

As long as you guys are still living together & talking & going to MC together, the glass is still half FULL, in my opinion.

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wgw: You are right.. many relationships do not have any of those things going for them and the person on the losing end (me in this case) usually does not have the chances I do to make it work. I am lucky in that sense, it is still hard work and usually not the happiest of times when we are together.

 

This weekend we are going surfing, we have not surfed since last season.. so it should be nice to hang out, do something fun and casual.

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dreamingoftigers

Hi,

 

I just wanted to mention that despite it taking awhile both my

Mother and I found something about the two-year mark that lightened the load in recovering from an affair (my father and husband were both discovered cheating a few weeks apart). The brain just finally clicks through some of the major hurdles to the grief. I still get hit in odd moments but for the most part I am okay now, I don't feel as "yanked along" by it. Both you and your wife probably have some more "up and down" to go to start really closing up the old wounds.

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I think so too.. I think maybe her expectations were beyond reality. Takes time, will take a lot of ups and downs, hurdles and challenges. The end goal is worth it though. The good thing is we are communicating, and have set some guidelines, which I am hoping will be helpful.

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Sounds positive bud. Let her explore her emotions. This is going be a LONG road and somedays you turn miles, some days you stay put, other times it'll take a heavy tow truck to move you forward.

 

Don't be afraid to let yourself explore your emotions either. Just let it happen.

 

Oh don't use fighting as a yardstick for progress either. About the only thing our first MC told me that made much sense was that even fighting is communication. Maybe not the best example of it, but it is communication. Sometimes a fight clears the air. Just remember to not let emotions take control of you.

 

Get out there and enjoy life, really. You need it.

 

Eye on the prize my friend.

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Sounds like progress.

 

About 'fighting'.. well arguing or debate can be part and usually is of a healthy relationship. Fighting however isn't, and there is a difference. A few things I've learned about dealing with verbal conflict.

 

Never resort to name calling or low blows.

 

No physical violence and that includes inanimate objects such as wall. That will only provoke fear and someone closing off or retaliating.

 

Watch out using the word "You" as in "YOU do _____.." It's far better to say I feel like _____ when _____ happens. When someone feels accused they

immediately become defensive and that shuts down communication.

 

Beware blanket statements and black and white statements. As in "You always ____."

 

Never go to bed angry, find a way to reach some kind of resolution before bed or mutually agree to shelve it until an agreed time. A big part of a relationship is the ability to sit down at the table and make a deal. There will always be things you don't agree on. Some experts believe that if there's something you don't both agree on then it should be thrown out.

 

It's odd, when you want a drivers license you have to take some kind of course. A flying license you betcha need to take a course. But you don;t need one for a marriage license. Few of us go into relationships with the skills it takes and have to learn as we go along.

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WN: I like the road analogy. Like you always said, some times it feels like 10 steps forward 3 steps back.. that kind of thing happening.

 

I am trying to explore my emotions, started up IC again just until we get through this bump. Decided that was a good idea for the time being.

 

Fighting IS communicating, not productive though for the most part. We have reduced the fighting by quite a bit since last Saturday - I think the idea of having weekly conversation as opposed to fighting constantly will help a lot. Things feel smoother so far, tonight will be our first weekly conversation. I don't have many things to discuss thankfully, let's see if she brings anything to the table.

 

You are right, have to start enjoying life. I have not been recently. Thanks for the response pal. :)

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sumdude: Great post! Luckily I am following most of those rules. :) Some of them could use some adjusting on our part. We are learning though, this is kind of like a new relationship since she returned home. We have to learn how to live our own lives and our married life. Also, how to communicate better to avoid the problems that caused her leaving me last fall. It has been a big learning process and you are right, if only we had a text book for the big exam... haha.

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Well.. I MESSED UP last night. I came home from work and we began to talk, I quickly lose my cool and start a fight about something really stupid. It turns into a 1.5 hour conversation but I think I got some points across and she really understands how I feel now. I also found out the reason she wants to go out so much is because of how we have been interacting lately, the fighting and all of the weird tension. I understand her wanting to get away from that, so I have to get back to square one and try to calm down. I also expressed that she needs to extend herself towards me and not pull away otherwise there is no chance of success. Feeling a bit ashamed of myself today and a bit sad.

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surfer, no worries, we're all human. Just put it behind you and move forward. Try to remember that one of the keys to a good relationship is communication and being able to communicate effectively with so many emotions and in such turmoil is VERY difficult. When you start getting upset, just try to remember that you're trying to work towards a stronger relationship and realize that disagreements are fine and being able to calmly discuss them is excellent just try to avoid the yelling and fighting. :)

 

Try to work on using a few key tools the next time you feel a "discussion" reaching critical mass...

1) call for a break, force yourself to calmly say "can we just take a break for 15-20 minutes and re-visit this once I have a chance to think about our different perspectives?"

2) agree to disagree. Something like "I can see that we both feel differently about this, which is fine, maybe we can just keep each others opinion in mind the next time we need to make a decision about something like this."

3) let it go...stop, breathe, think about whether or not this is something that is "critical" in your relationship...if not, you might be better off just conceding the point and dropping it. As long as you don't do it with a dismissive or condescending tone...

 

Just my 2 cents...although, maybe I'm not the best person to give advice since I tended to use #3 WAY too often in my marriage and it ended up causing me some resentment...which I'm sure didn't help with my relationship communication. :)

 

Good luck and keep posting...

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Thanks my friend. :) All of these things occured to me but for some reason I couldn't stop myself. At first I said "let's just stop this conversation for the moment and pick it up later" I went upstairs and got changed, came back down and the fight started again. I should have probably went out for a bike ride of something instead.

 

My wife called me this morning at work to tell me she was sick and we chatted for 15 minutes or so, she NEVER calls me at work. So maybe she was thinking of me or felt bad about the fight, who knows - it was kind of nice talking to her though.

 

We plan on surfing tomorrow, but she is sick right now so that may happen - I may bring a friend instead to just watch me surf and hang on the beach if my wife can't come tomorrow. I think that is important, do my own thing regardless of if she is available/sick/whatever.

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Don't sweat the small stuff. You'll stop discussing these sort of matters when you are ready to. Don't beat up on your self.

 

You really need to start focusing on YOU. Start getting your self esteem back up.

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WN: Thanks man - trying not to. I think my wife understands why I do it, but of course it has a negative affect on our relationship. Trying to mellow out.

 

You are right, have to focus on myself and get my self esteem back up. My wife made a good point, that through our marriage I got much of my confidence from our relationship. I know I can't rely on any one else to feel good and happy in my own life.

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