How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[Surfer203]

Things are going okay... my wife has been sick which wrecked some of my plans this past weekend. I threw a bit of temper tantrum but got it under control. She went out with some friends and I was fine, no fights. She is currently not feeling well so not a lot of fighting - seem to be getting along well. No real updates though, still trying to get my head on straight and not flip out on her all the time. She has been giving me longer kisses and hugs.. I don't know. I just want things to go back the way they were. It's frustrating to know where we were heading and now realize where we really are.

[Surfer203]

Another good thing that happened.. she spoke to her friend (male friend) and told him I was uncomfortable with their friendship. He emailed me yesterday and wanted to stress that they were just friends and would stop hanging out with her if I wanted. He hopes that we are still friends and I don't dislike him.

[Doing it Since '78]

No offense bro- but this whole thread reeks of why a man should not get back with a woman after she cheats- This $hit is pathetic- No offense once again, to each his own

 

It just seems that you are tucking your tail, admitting fault and anger when you have rightful reason to have such, and are apologizing for it-

 

Men get angry, Men say and do $hit they shouldn't, Men are insensitive at times, Men are usually 90% @sshole and 10% cassanova,-If you find yourself apologetic for feeling like a Man should, check your nuts homeboy-

 

MC/IC yeah yeah, man up dude, put your foot down and stop laying in wait for poor treatment from an ungrateful woman! We keep saying become the dude you were when you met her, yet I feel (IMO and once again no offense, cause I think you have a good heart) you were a gump then! When I went to college everybody was given an oppurtunity to chnage who they were in high school- If you were a nerd, well hell you can now be popular-If you were a school boy-hell now you can be a gangster- CHANGE YOUR SELF BRO!

 

I'm sorry bro, I hope it works out for you, and I see you have a lot of E-folks in your corner, but it just seems like you need a stiff uppercut to the nuts to help you realize they are still there-

 

The way I do things, versus the way you do things is a natural arguement, but white, black, brown, red, whatever- your genetic makeup should still be that of a MAN- a grown A$$ man that should not live like this-

 

I don't know much, but what I do know, women hate poozzies, and the apologizing for being upset at her cheating at you, and your constant neediness just screams sucker!

 

Don't just zone in on this one thing either (the anger) zone in on the totality of how she has treated you like a piece of ape $hit after she was wrong, and you kept a smile on your face begging for more- MAN THE **** UP BRO!

 

But anyway, my man, it has come painfully obvious to me I have nothing positive to add to this discussion, so I'm gone- PEACE BRO

Edited June 20, 2011 by Doing it Since '78

[Owl]

Surfer, I don't agree entirely with '78, but I'm still at a loss to understand why you're ok with her going out with her friends after all of this. And if she's wanting to go out...why aren't you coming to a compromise and setting up so that you go out WITH HER instead of her going out all the time without you???

 

And I'm curious...what did you tell her male friend?

 

It should have been along the lines of "No harm done, we're still good, but I would appreciate it if you were to back down on the friendship for now.".

 

Anything less is just conflict avoidance that will NOT get you where you want to be.

[What_Next]

I'm still at a loss to understand why you're ok with her going out with her friends after all of this. And if she's wanting to go out...why aren't you coming to a compromise and setting up so that you go out WITH HER instead of her going out all the time without you???

 

I am in 100% TOTAL agreement with this. To me it just doesn't make any sense. I mean a girl's night out once in a while, sure thats normal and healthy, within boundaries of course. Given what she chose to do? Oh HELL NO. HELL NO, HELL NO. I just don't get this Surfer.

 

You seem to want to sit at home while she is out on the town doing god knows what with god knows who, all the while you dutifully go to work each day? Oh man, come on.

 

As for the 'male friend', you consider the fact that he emailed you a good thing? Do you honestly think if they were having an affair he would offer it up? I'd honestly wonder what that conversation went like. I know it would be a simple one if my wife decided to have a 'male friend' that I knew. "Either you back off or I break you into very small pieces". Enough said. Sorry, but on this one again you are trying to be the nice guy.

 

You know me well enough to know that I am not one of these chest beating men that tells everyone to "man up", but I do fully believe women really do want a man that stands up for themselves, and when necessary puts their foot down and sets the rules of the game. Now of course I don't suggest acting like some cave man, but I sure as hell suggest restoring some of the power balance in your marriage, because as it stands right now it is WAY OFF.

[Surfer203]

'78.. I agree that I have to man up but you are coming off like an idiot. You don't know me - growing up and until the point I met my wife I was always "popular", cool guy, musician, artist, skateboarder.. I marched to the beat of my own drum and was always true to myself. She liked all this about me and I really have not changed much of my true self since then. It is one thing to be insensitive but I have been on edge and flipping out over little things. It is just a build up of stress unloading.

 

Owl: Yes, her telling her friend that is "man code" - AKA, I will break your face into tiny fragments if you touch my wife. Knowing what I know about him, his family, our past and my wife, I really don't think anything is going on or will go on.

 

WN: I have been trying to set ground rules.. she really does not go out very frequently. I am trying to be a man without being controlling. It is a fine line. We have discussed things that need to change and there is some progress in heading in that direction.

 

_____

 

I even discussed with my parents that things are not great, there is a ton of work to do and things might not work out in the end but if she does end it, I don't think she will be cheating again. My parents have the same concerns as all of you about her going out and stuff.

[What_Next]

she really does not go out very frequently.

 

Are you sure? Go back and read your own posts. Certainly appears to be a lot to me. I REALLY believe this is a MASSIVE MASSIVE MASSIVE red flag. Maybe that's just me. Not sure, but there is NO WAY IN HELL my wife would be trying that, just not going to happen.

 

I have to wonder where that popular guy, the artist, the surfer, went. You are not coming off like that lately. I know it's hard my friend, but you are going to have to snap out of this. You are going to have to learn to be more dominant.

 

Keep at it Surfer, as for the folks, a tough call. Their involvement on ANY level can complicate things massively. Then again you know your family, I don't.

[Owl]

Define "very frequently"???

 

I'm reading AT LEAST once/week she goes out with her friends...without you. More, if I'm seeing your posts correctly...although all of this could simply be how I'm seeing it, and not actually related to reality.

 

Once/week going out without you is HUGE, HUGE, HUGE. More than that, even moreso.

 

Going out without you erodes your trust in her. It builds walls/distance between you, when the two of you should be working to REMOVE that distance.

 

You know this, after all you've read and learned here.

 

But...you're still afraid of upsetting her, still afraid that if you INSIST on what you need in a relationship from her, you're going to lose her.

 

As long as you live in that fear of losing her...your marriage cannot recover from all of this.

 

Surfer...re-read your last few months of posts.

 

Tell me what has changed significantly in that time?

 

Has she stopped going out? Has your trust in her rebuilt? Has she truly changed her attitude, mindset, and actions from the woman who hurt you before? If so...how? What, SPECIFICALLY, is different today than it was when you first started down this reconciliation path?

 

Don't take me wrong...I'm all for reconciling and rebuilding a marriage where possible...but the bottom line is that if there isn't significant CHANGE...there's no improvement...there's no true reconciliation or recovery.

 

So far my friend, I don't see forward movement...but again, I could be wrong. If so...show me specifically what's different that I've missed.

[Surfer203]

Well, she goes out at night basically once a week.

 

You guys are right though, there really has not been any progress lately. BEFORE things started getting weird again things were really going well and we were off to a great place, fixing our marriage and getting ready for the future. Now it seems to be ass backwards.

 

I really don't know how to proceed.

[Owl]

I really don't know how to proceed.

 

Go back and re-read the pages and pages of advice you've already been given along these lines, my friend.

[Mz. Pixie]

You mentioned earlier Surfer how you thought marriagebuilders might be a concept that you're more interested in rather than love languages. Go and read what Dr. Harley says about friends of the opposite sex-spending nights out without your spouse-and about the policy of quality time. When he is talking about individual time together-that is not just the two of you in the same house together. He is a world known authority on marriage. His books and philosophy have saved marriages-many of those people post on that forum.

 

If she were sick-and it messed up your plans-then how did she go out if she were sick? Too sick to go out with you but not too sick to go out with her friends?

 

Things seem to go fine alright- until you assert some of your needs in this relationship-and then things go downhill. That is just my perspective. I am pulling for you but you are just paralyzed by fear. Paralyzed.

[PegNosePete]

Well, she goes out at night basically once a week.

I will try to be less blunt than usual dude

 

As the others have said this is a HUGE issue.

The fact that she even wants to go out without you once a week is worrying.

Even if she is not getting up to anything wrong, why would she want to go out without you?

Now I am not saying that you have to be joined at the hip but if she wants time to do her own thing then why can't she join a sewing group or an activity group in the day time?

She is setting a dangerous precedent, which is that she can act like a single woman and you will act like a house-husband. If you accept it now then it will continue forever.

Even if nothing bad has happened, it will happen one of these days. She is going out with single women to places that single women go, and sharks/PUAs no doubt hang around. Just read threads on here, you'll see it a million times.

 

Another worrying thing (to me) is that you try to justify it as "not very frequently". Once a week is frequently dude, very frequently!!! Seems to me that you're trying to diminish her actions to us, and to yourself.

 

If she were sick-and it messed up your plans-then how did she go out if she were sick? Too sick to go out with you but not too sick to go out with her friends?

Yeah, I was wondering that too...

[robf1971]

which is that she can act like a single woman and you will act like a house-husband. If you accept it now then it will continue forever.

...

 

Seriously, start getting out on your own, with your own friends. This is your best defence. Also you can enjoy yourself.

[Surfer203]

The sickness did not really hit her until Saturday morning - she went out on Friday night, so - she did not go out while she was sick, only to the Dr. yesterday afternoon.

 

Anyway, working on our marriage is on hold until she gets better - she is kind of out of it.

 

Pixie: You are right.. I am very fearful still to this day. MB looks good, I have read up on it quite a bit.

 

PegNosePete: Sewing Group? Haha - we are young, no sewing for a long time I hope. I know what you are saying.. I get it. Single people go out dancing and to bars. I asked her to see what her therapist thinks of how she has been living. She had an appointment with her yesterday after her Dr. appointment, I wonder if she brought that up. Of course she is going to try to make herself look good and normal to the therapits, I am sure she leaves out a lot of information conveniently.

 

Personally I don't think once a week is a big deal, we can agree to disagree, maybe I am an idiot? I don't know.

[Surfer203]

rob: I have been trying to do that.

[robf1971]

Personally I don't think once a week is a big deal, we can agree to disagree, maybe I am an idiot? I don't know.

 

Actually sometimes my wife goes on a girls night as do the wives of quite a few friends of mine. However we also go out a lot together, my wife and I. I also go out on a guys night fairly regularly, in bars etc but it doesn't mean I'm looking to pick up a woman there.

 

However in the context of what's happened with your wife surfer, also noting the fact you never go together, and it's every week then it's a worry.

[Surfer203]

Well.. we used to go out at night more frequently together, normally the night ends with me being pissy at around 11:00 PM wanting to go home because I am tired. That is why we don't go out together often.

[Lexygirl]

Thanks my friend. All of these things occured to me but for some reason I couldn't stop myself. At first I said "let's just stop this conversation for the moment and pick it up later" I went upstairs and got changed, came back down and the fight started again. I should have probably went out for a bike ride of something instead.

 

My wife called me this morning at work to tell me she was sick and we chatted for 15 minutes or so, she NEVER calls me at work. So maybe she was thinking of me or felt bad about the fight, who knows - it was kind of nice talking to her though.

 

We plan on surfing tomorrow, but she is sick right now so that may happen - I may bring a friend instead to just watch me surf and hang on the beach if my wife can't come tomorrow. I think that is important, do my own thing regardless of if she is available/sick/whatever.

 

 

THIS was written Friday morning dude !!!!! Sorry but she started 'playing' sick on Friday.... BEFORE she went out ?

Won't be surprised if she magically gets better in a couple days when it's time to go out with 'friends'

 

OMG for real... Surfer WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP !!!!

... I feel literally sick to my stomach reading this thread anymore....

 

WTF ????!!!!!!!!

 

She's playin you like a fiddle and like '78 said, you are just apologizing for being angry with her.... You have every f.......g right to be angry !!

 

Don't know how to proceed ?.....

Get some materials from marriage builders or a marriage counselor for you two to seriously work on and tell her gently and lovingly yet firmly it's time NOW to put her energy into that instead of this going out 'once a week ' bull**** with 'friends'.... um doesn't she have every day to herself? Again WTF?!!!!!!!!

 

So yeah it's ULTIMATUM TIME DUDE....

THIS is how it should go:

 

Honey... it's time....

We are married and I love you and we WILL start working and working DAMN HARD on this marriage by doing A, B and C (be VERY specific) and IF we don't start doing A, B and C TODAY, the marriage is over plain and simple.

If you want to be with your gfs, you can see them the odd time through the day while I'm working my ass off for us OR you can go f.....g live with them full-time if you aren't willing to put 110% effort into this marriage.

PERIOD !

 

Surfer, I am literally shaking while I'm writing this because I'm so angry that this chick is doing this crap and you are letting her get away with it and apologizing to her for your feelings ? ugh... honestly ugh

It's time dude, it's time !

 

[Owl]

Well.. we used to go out at night more frequently together, normally the night ends with me being pissy at around 11:00 PM wanting to go home because I am tired. That is why we don't go out together often.

 

So why can't the two of you plan on going out a bit earlier together, and ending the night around 11pm when you're getting tired? Or, plan on a Saturday night outing if you're off on weekends...that way you're not getting up early on Saturday morning nor Sunday morning. Easier to stay out a bit later when you're not getting up early.

 

Maybe plan these sessions to happen like twice/month.

 

COMPROMISE

 

Also...there are other things that people can do besides going out to the clubs. Things much less risky to a marriage already damaged/weakened by infidelity. How about camping/hiking trips together on the weekends? Maybe dinner and a movie together, rather than going out dancing if you're too tired?

 

Bottom line is that what's going on now is NOT healthy for your marriage...and she keeps choosing it over anything else, from what I've read.

 

I agree with Lexy...right now, you need to make a list of changes, and a list of things that the both of you need to work on. She either agrees...or she doesn't.

 

If she chooses not to...that tells you where you're at in her priorities.

 

Again...I know that you're living in fear of the idea of a life without her.

 

But if you don't change that...then how do you expect your situation to improve?

[Surfer203]

Lexy, she has developed a sever sinus infection and conjunctivitis on her left eye. Those allergy induced sickness feel worst generally in the morning. So, she did end up feeling quite a bit better that afternoon howver the next day was another story, the infection had set in I guess. Anyway, she is on antibiotics, medicated nose spray and eye drops - she is not faking it. She has woken me up the past 3 mornings coughing her brains out.

 

On the other side of the coin, I understand your frustration with me - I am frustrated with myself AND the situation with my wife.

 

Owl: I like your idea and agree with you. My wife has asked what I need to feel more comfortable. She is basically obeying everthing I have said so far. A list may be a good idea to really block out what changes need to be made. We had a conversation about it and I felt better after it. I think more work needs to be done obviously.

[Surfer203]

Well, she is quite sick so I am sure no relationship talks/progress are going to be taking place until after she is well enough. So.. for now I have to be the helping husband.

[Owl]

Makes sense...there's no value in trying to push things when she's not going to be able to think coherently anyway.

 

Take care of her. Show her that you love her and will care for her...as long as she's your wife and acts as such.

 

Once she gets better...be ready to deal with the situation. Use this time to mentally get yourself prepped and ready to do what you've got to do.

[Surfer203]

Owl: I agree.. no sense in trying to resolve anything currently. As long as she is my wife I will treat her as such. Tired of this crap. I don't know if I would ever get married again to be honest. I don't ever want to be in this position, it's too dangerous, too risky.

[2.50 a gallon]

surfer

 

Now you know why I will never marry again.

 

Yes I am in a very loving relationship, and perhaps one of its strengths is that we are not married. Either one of us can walk away at anytime, without having to go to the trouble of paying the MAN for the papers.

 

Also, one never knows, one of us might eat something that sets our whole system out of balance, and the next thing you know I am on the wrong side of this forum, and she could be walking off with half of what I have.

 

I love her with all of my heart, until she walks out the door

[Surfer203]

2.50 - I totally get it. What really kills me is the desire to have a child, have a family. To be honest, I have wanted that since I was a kid myself! I was sure I had found the right person to make those dreams a reality. So, I guess if I do want children at some point, marriage will probably have to happen. That is if things don't work out with my current wife.