How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[lkjh]

lkjh: Well.. she is at her family in Canada.. Canadian Thanksgiving was last month, so she was not seeing them for any holiday.

 

giblesp: I promise not to repeat this pattern.. after this I am a changed man.

 

Dude in the US(where she lives) its a holiday and everyone is with family and friends. She doesn't have that right now and that is why she left. You are really trying to convince yourself that everything will be ok but it won't.

 

Even if you get her back, you will have to live with knowing that A) she left you for a man that she barely knows and doesn't love her, and B) You had to beg for her to come back and her family had to force her back.

 

You keep saying that you have "man up" and are now "firm" but all you do is make excuses and hope for the Disney happy ending. I don't think you know the meaning of those terms.

 

If she comes back your marriage will not work as long as you are a pushover. She has to put in 100% of the work and blame. She needs to really work for your marriage and your mindset is not capable of doing that. The way you talk you will probably buy her a gift for coming back and then take her on a nice date. In one of your post you even wrote " I don't know if they have had sex but I am going to assume so". The chance of them not having sex is slim to none. She left her marriage to be with this guy, she probably was having sex with him while still living with you. But in your mind you are hoping for the best option.

 

Im not trying to be cruel but you really need to get a little tough. This artist mentality you have is allowing you to be completely used and abused. Live your life with morals but also live it for yourself

[lkjh]

you keep saying after this I am a changed man, what the hell are you waiting for?

[lkjh]

I hope Im not coming off to hard on you. I just don't want you making huge mistakes

[Surfer203]

No she had plans for Thanksgiving with this guy and friends.. but decided now was the time to go. I mentioned she should go next week because it would be cheaper but she said the sooner she goes the better.

 

I know you are trying to wake me up.. I know I am being a softy. I will not be anymore once she is back is what I am trying to say. I don't mind the harshness it is okay. I have dealt with worse (my wife cheating and leaving me).

[Steadfast]

 

No she had plans for Thanksgiving with this guy and friends.. but decided now was the time to go. I mentioned she should go next week because it would be cheaper but she said the sooner she goes the better.

 

 

When I posted about my conversation with Michelle Langley I forgot to mention one other thing she told me: "Don't believe anything she says." In effect, she's a cheater, which means her native language is lies. Believe it.

 

Her boy toy could have gotten pissed, or sick of her, or didn't want to introduce his married girlfriend to his family (folks have a habit of looking down on that) and booted her ass out for the holidays. Sadly, we all recognize you being played, but you're 'hard headed' as you put it. You are still seeing her as a normal wife; a person who's being straight with you. She isn't. I know, it's hard. You care. But you're screwing yourself over.

 

Look surfer, this guy isn't your problem. Any reasonably attractive woman can attract male attention, and it's a straight/easy path to sex if that's what she wants. Guys are horny and shallow. The ones who aren't shallow are the ones smart women are really after...for the long term. This dumb ass 'OM' isn't the threat to your marriage; she is. She's the problem. She isn't confused, she isn't mixed up. You are. And she'll be more than happy to keep it that way for a long as she can. It's working too. You're a mess.

 

Until you wake up and smell what she's shoveling, you'll continue to be. Living life in limbo. Waiting. Hoping. Being played. That's a waste of life.

 

But it's your life. Your decision. You don't have to insult her or call her names, just disappear. Move to a place (literally and mentally) where she can't find you and heal up. Change your phone number. Avoid her. Give her what she's been asking for; 'freedom and space'. Give her plenty.

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: I know what you are saying.. how can I trust some one who committed the ultimate sin? Of course she will lie about anything. Her motivation to keep me on the hook though does not make sense. It does if she is keeping me as a back up plan though..

 

I really don't know what to think -all I know is in 2-3 days I will have a resolution whether she is ready for it or not. I am not messing around - my patience has run it's course.

 

I would love to move away but unfortunately, I am stuck with a house that will not sell in this economy (been on the market for 1.5 year now) and I am stuck to this area by family and my career. A job where I have doubled my salary in 4 years.. hard to walk away from!

[Steadfast]

Surfer, stop saying you understand because you so clearly do not. There have been pages of good advice typed to you on this subject and you keep coming back to the same thing. When she returns, you're going to issue an ultimatum. That is the worst thing you can do. Here's why:

 

1) She'll probably tell you to go suck eggs.

 

or...

 

2) She gets scared, thinks you're serious and returns. Now, I know you'd be thrilled with that but believe me when I tell you it's much worse.

 

Happily married people are happy and together because they love and fulfill each other. Not because they're scared, or stay out of a sense of obligation. That isn't marriage, that's a life sentence. Wouldn't you rather be married to someone who is crazy about you? Who truly loves you just because you're you? Someone who would rather cut off their arm or die before hurting or betraying the most important person in the world to them? Someone who, even if they're madder than hell and would like to bean you with a frying pan, wouldn't dream of leaving or sleeping with someone else? True love is what I'm talking about. Real love. Not games.

 

Unless she says "I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm sorry I did what I did and I don't want to lose you or our marriage. I'm prepared to do whatever it takes for the rest of my life to prove it to you." Then you have nothing. NOTHING. Even then, you'll have to work through the reality that your wife took another man into her bed. Many...most men, can't handle it.

 

Ponder this and all the good advice you've been given. Is she capable of it? Are you together or is she calling the shots? Leave her alone and let her come to you. If she does that and says the above, you have a shot.

[Surfer203]

Steadfast: I am starting to feel like you are right.. I have to just let her be and she will tell me what she wants. There is no sense in asking her decision or demanding it. She is the type of person who does the opposite of what you tell her. So, I could see my ultimatum as being an automatic no. I know what you mean though, she has to want it and come to the decision herself. But, I don't have to wait around for it forever. Trying to expedite that is my goal. How can I do that effectively without ruining any perceived progress.. or is there now way to do that?

[Surfer203]

Is it a bad idea to let it go until late next week and then give her a call.. at that point I can say, so you have not given me an answer yet, have you thought about this enough yet? If she says I am still confused, my reply will be, well I am coming to my end here, if you want to give this a try again I will need an answer in the next day or so.

 

Or is that tactic going against all of the advice I have gotten? I can't just leave it open ended forever.

[Darth Vader]

Steadfast: I know what you are saying.. how can I trust some one who committed the ultimate sin? Of course she will lie about anything. Her motivation to keep me on the hook though does not make sense. It does if she is keeping me as a back up plan though..

 

I really don't know what to think -all I know is in 2-3 days I will have a resolution whether she is ready for it or not. I am not messing around - my patience has run it's course.

 

I would love to move away but unfortunately, I am stuck with a house that will not sell in this economy (been on the market for 1.5 year now) and I am stuck to this area by family and my career. A job where I have doubled my salary in 4 years.. hard to walk away from!

 

 

The part bolded: Easy answer, YOU DON"T! AND YOU CAN"T! Your marriage IS OVER! Get used to it!

[Darth Vader]

Surfer, stop saying you understand because you so clearly do not. There have been pages of good advice typed to you on this subject and you keep coming back to the same thing. When she returns, you're going to issue an ultimatum. That is the worst thing you can do. Here's why:

1) She'll probably tell you to go suck eggs.

or...

2) She gets scared, thinks you're serious and returns. Now, I know you'd be thrilled with that but believe me when I tell you it's much worse.

Happily married people are happy and together because they love and fulfill each other. Not because they're scared, or stay out of a sense of obligation. That isn't marriage, that's a life sentence. Wouldn't you rather be married to someone who is crazy about you? Who truly loves you just because you're you? Someone who would rather cut off their arm or die before hurting or betraying the most important person in the world to them? Someone who, even if they're madder than hell and would like to bean you with a frying pan, wouldn't dream of leaving or sleeping with someone else? True love is what I'm talking about. Real love. Not games.

Unless she says "I love you. I'm in love with you. I'm sorry I did what I did and I don't want to lose you or our marriage. I'm prepared to do whatever it takes for the rest of my life to prove it to you." Then you have nothing. NOTHING. Even then, you'll have to work through the reality that your wife took another man into her bed. Many...most men, can't handle it.

Ponder this and all the good advice you've been given. Is she capable of it? Are you together or is she calling the shots? Leave her alone and let her come to you. If she does that and says the above, you have a shot.

Read this 8,000, no 10,000 TIMES!

[Surfer203]

I read it and get it. So, my plan is no good then?

[teeg]

I read it and get it. So, my plan is no good then?

 

Surfer, our situation aren't similar, but our decisions should be.

 

Need to man up and cut our losses or be "okay" with being a back-up quarterback in these ladies lives. Your's will put you first until the next latest greatest thing comes along and then you'll be #2 again. Mine, she's chosen smoking over me for the past two years and what's to say the next to are going to be any different ? I'm not #1 in her life, she is.....and that's the same thing in your shoes.

 

We've got to look out for #1 first......us. There are plenty of fish in the sea, they may not all look alike, smell similar or taste the same....but they nourish in a very similar way....and the best fish have no mercury and tons of heart healthy Omega 3-s.

[Surfer203]

teeg: You are right.. they are self important women it seems. Mine is pretty vain too. Obsessed with her looks and fashion.

 

I like your fish analogy.. I hear you loud and clear.

[PegNosePete]

I know what you mean though, she has to want it and come to the decision herself. But, I don't have to wait around for it forever. Trying to expedite that is my goal. How can I do that effectively without ruining any perceived progress.. or is there now way to do that?

You don't have to wait around forever, or in fact at all. Her decision will be immediately obvious. If she goes to the OM's house then she as chosen him. If she comes to you then she has chosen you. There's no need to ask her or pressure her. Judge her by her actions, not her words. If she doesn't come straight back to you then go ahead with the D papers.

[Surfer203]

Pete: I still think she may go back there to get her stuff and then call me to pick her up. I don't think her going back there means anything necesarilly. We will see though.

[Surfer203]

I am happy to say that I have not spoke to her since Thursday morning. I told her I would not be calling her or texting her while she is gone. She has not reach out to me, which can be good or bad. I am not sure if I should even bother reading in to it or not. I'm sure it means nothing that she has not. She come back Monday.. getting close.

[cyabye]

Surf, I understand what you are going through and I understand what you are feeling. I really do. I've been there and made all the mistakes you are making. I will break it down for you now that my emotions are no longer controlling me and I think logically with my brain....

 

1. Your wife left you. For whatever reason she left, she has checked out of the marriage.

2. She immediately moved in with another man. She probably was seeing him before she left you.

3. She is giving you bits and pieces to give you hope (false). She is not doing this for you. You are her backup plan. Who knows what OM has told her. She wants to know you will be there if her primary plan (OM) falls through. Totally SELFISH. Nothing more.

3. She does NOT care about you or respect you one bit. PERIOD. If she did, she would have communicated her unhappiness to you before all this happened.

4. There is nothing left for you to wait on. She ended it a long time ago. She sealed the deal when she slept with another man. She didn't make a "mistake". She's not in a fog or under hipnosis. She made a choice and you were not it. You need to close your end with a divorce.

5. Have some dignity. Where is your self respect? If you do not respect yourself, who will? DO NOT BE ANYONE'S DOORMAT!

6. No kids? Go complete NC from this point on so you can start the healing process. NO EXCEPTIONS!

7. Buddy, CUT YOUR LOSSES. You will do anything to get her back to you because you are in panic mode. If she did come back, you will question and wonder everyday how and why she did all this (and has the potential to do it again and again).

8. Your anger will set in and you will resent the ***** out of her. You will have no peace. There will be no trust. You will not enjoy your life!

 

I can go on and on but do I need to? Should I have to? You have gotten thousands of dollars worth of sound advice here. TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE NOW...NOT MONDAY! This is your life and you are wasting it on someone who doesn't deserve *****.

 

I've been through hell and back with my ex! Multiple times. I still have to talk to her because we have kids. You do not! Cut her loose. Make a fresh start. You deserve better. Let her deal with her own mess. Live your life. Heal and one day you will meet a woman who actually cares about you.

 

READ THIS TO YOURSELF (over and over if you must!)

 

"NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO BE YOUR PRIORITY WHILE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE THEIR OPTION"

 

You my friend, are nothing more than an option to her because you allow yourself to be....

 

I hope this helps.

cya

Edited November 28, 2010 by cyabye

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer

 

You are getting all kinds of advice here. So which road do you take? My advice is to go with your gut and stick to your plan, may be with some slight variation. Do this for no other reason, than should you waver from your original plan and it fails you will be left wondering if your original plan would have worked. You are on the one on the front line

 

As for contacting her before she gets back, I think it would be best to maintain no contact, she already knows how you feel, and it gives you a position of strength

 

I wish you luck

[PegNosePete]

Surfer,

2.50 is right, it doesn't really matter which plan you follow or whose advice you take. We're offering different plans and it's up to you to choose, or make your own. The common theme with everyone's advice is that you act with dignity, confidence and self-respect. Do not take any crap. The details don't really matter, it's your attitude and how you react to her actions that do. It doesn't really matter if she goes to OM's to pick up her stuff, she's been banging him for the last month anyhow, so one more visit isn't a biggie. What matters is how you react to it. If you act weak and question what she did there, what he said she said etc, then you're on a losing streak already and she'll use it like a shark going for blood. If you are aloof and act uncaring then it'll put her on the back foot, she is expecting you to be that puppy dog as usual, so if you are strong and stand up for yourself she will show her true colours. Whatever they are.

[Steadfast]

This thread and surfer's story has gotten a lot of attention. Especially from the male posters. Myself included. I imagine it's because we all see more than a little of our own situations in it, and remember the mistakes...

 

I had to remind myself, and will do so again for everyone here that this situation is still very new. It took me months to figure out what I should do, then years to digest it all. This is not an easy path, as we all know too well and at this point, it might be information overload for him. Agree?

 

The best thing to know -above advice and giving direction- is to realize we all have our own choices to make. You can only choose for you surfer, not for her. There is no plan, no magic words, no formula for winning back someone who has left a relationship. All you can do from this point on is what is best for you. You'll be happier, more adjusted and better equipped to deal with future issues (and relationships) if you understand the nature of people and what your reaction should be. Letting someone wipe their feet all over your heart does no one any good. Stop scheming, stop planning and start doing what is right for you and the ones you love.

 

Good luck with it all, stay strong, and keep posting. Sharing does help-

[2themoon&back]

I am happy to say that I have not spoke to her since Thursday morning. I told her I would not be calling her or texting her while she is gone. She has not reach out to me, which can be good or bad. I am not sure if I should even bother reading in to it or not. I'm sure it means nothing that she has not. She come back Monday.. getting close.

 

I wish you the very best Surfer, because you are leaving your future in someone else’s hands and that is a scary choice, understandable but scary all the same.

 

I hope you are ready to deal with either choice your W makes, and will move in a way that will not hurt you more. There is a real possibility that she will serve herself best not you and you have given her that control and seem to be ok with doing so, I must respect that.

 

I think a lot of people here are telling you how dangerous this is to allow another person to dictate your fate, kind of like telling you to get out of the road a car is coming at a high rate of speed, but you saying you like that type of car so it is ok if it hits you. (I get it)

 

I have some of the same tendencies, ie “hard headed” , but what makes this worse is this is someone you do not have full trust in because of their betrayal to you--- so it is the driver of the car is already proven they will not drive off the road to avoid hitting you and hitting you hard.

 

I hope you get the answer you await… BEST of Luck !

[Surfer203]

This is a Test.

[sirweasles]

bottom line is you know your w better than we do you know your self better than we do I would give the advise to wait and see monday is tomorrow and you will live to see it. However you must remain strong for your self you must not iron clad her if she chooses you if you arnt understanding and compasionat she will most likely change her mind on the other hand if you allow her to continue to see the om you are going to fail. so my suggestion would be in the case that she comes home you want to be comforting understanding and firm dont lay down the law just make sure she knows that after her stuff has been collected from the om's place she will not be hanging out with him ever again or you will start the big D and you have to be firm and mean it. then you need to give her space and treat her like you did while you were trying to win her heart for the very first time. other words you will eventually push her away again and they dont usually come back after that.

[Surfer203]

Alright.. I just typed out a long update and my PC froze.. so here goes again.. I will try to make it briefer.. I will preface it by saying, most of you are going to yell at me for what happened.. but here goes:

 

I expected her to get in touch with me but she didn't on Friday or Saturday. Friday she was with friends all day and night and Saturday I was with a friend that HATES HER after what she did and she knew he was at my house so she didn't call. Then this morning I got a text from her that she sent at 8 AM saying... "Morning! I wanted to call yesterday but I knew Andy was over and figured it wasn't a good idea." So.. after I got up I saw the message and then we talked on the phone.