Lexygirl Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I do yoga, believe in the philosophy of yoga, a lot of it is centered around gratitude. To be thankful for what you have/are given. To appreciate everything. My wife is finding happiness selfishly, through hanging out and having a good time with others. While she should be finding happiness by sharing a life with me, appreciating her life and what I do/give to her. She should find happiness by being a good wife and contributing to our home and lives on financial, emotional and spiritual levels. She is not doing any of the above. Surfer, do yourself a HUGE favour and print the above quote that YOU wrote and post it up on the fridge or computer for that matter... somewhere that you BOTH can see it ALOT ! ... As a reminder of where you are at.. or NOT at Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 For my own sanity I don't want to be angry anymore. Or at least display it.. when I do, I get out of control and can't stop. Turns into long winded stupid fights. I am saying my wife needs to take on the yogic philosophy (which she apparently practices) She is ignoring it. Ignoring that she has to "accept" others, herself and her life, her reality. I will further enforce what we spoke about this past weekend. I am giving her a little bit of time for now. This week I expect her to be finding a job - that is really important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Lexy, I think I am living that way in terms of our relationship but maybe not for myself. That is where I am trying to get to. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Next Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Up to you man, really up to you, but I am with PegNosePete and Owl on this one, you need fuel. Fuel to burn. Use the anger of this situation to ensure that you stand up for yourself and enforce the boundaries and rules you've set forth, if she doesn't want to follow them, then throw her a$$ out. Can't understand the yoga thing, never tried it. I'll just stick to a bottle of Crown as my 'centre'..... I wish you the best as always but this has gone too far and won't change as far as I am concerned as long as you let this woman treat you like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Yoga is good.. very helpful. When I was really into it (before my wife left) I became such a peaceful person, non-judgemental and open minded, thrilled to wake up each morning and live life. That all went away after she left me. Anyway, I like to have a drink from time to time, but can't turn to that as my "center" (centre for all of you Canadians and people of UK descent). I could see myself getting carried away with alcohol, so I keep it to a minimum. Thanks for your well wishes, things appear to be changing. I will keep you all updated and make sure not to lose myself or back down again. She also has been coming to bed earlier. I don't expect her to go from 100 to 0 instantly.. but there is a shift occuring. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 I didn't mean for you to walk around with a scowl on your face. I just mean to REMEMBER, internally, what it is you want and deserve. THAT kind of anger, ok? Maybe you could just call it self respect. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 turnera: Now, that makes sense to me and is something I plan to do from now on. Have been doing so since this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 She also has been coming to bed earlier. Earlier? As in, with you? If not then do the bolt thing man!!! Don't put up with this *****ty treatment any more. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 PNP: No, not quite that early, but compared to how late she was coming to bed. Anyway, I think I will take some time away before posting again - seeing what develops. I will respond to any new posts today though. Thanks all and talk to you soon! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 seeing what develops OK see you later Mr Passive Aggressive Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 PNP, biggest ball buster on LS. Thanks man! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Surfer, the reason we're all throwing this at you is that this doesn't look/smell/feel like change to us. This all looks like more of the same stuff that you've posted over the last few dozen pages my friend. We could be wrong...but the concern is for you if we're right. I wish you well...and hope to be proven wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Understood. Thanks for your concern. I expect all of you to be cynical and full of doubt. Thanks all! Link to post Share on other sites
LifesontheUp Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Understood. Thanks for your concern. I expect all of you to be cynical and full of doubt. Thanks all! Unfortunately when you are the one in the situation its hard to see the wood from the trees. Personally, after everything your wife has done, I would expect her to be putting 110% effort into your marriage. I think you are settling for less. Sorry if I missed it, but did she ever explain why she had an affair Surfer? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Lifesontheup: Yeah.. I have explained it before. Mr. Harris: I am not blaming any one but myself for the lack of progress here and I understand all of your annoyed feelings towards me. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 My wife is finding happiness selfishly, through hanging out and having a good time with others. While she should be finding happiness by sharing a life with me, appreciating her life and what I do/give to her. She should find happiness by being a good wife and contributing to our home and lives on financial, emotional and spiritual levels. She is not doing any of the above. I am starting to get frazzled again.. trying to mellow myself out but the anger keeps coming back. it keeps coming back because you sense that she's not connecting with you... not putting HER energy into healing the M. you can see that - yet you deny her actions and the reality she is creating... you are supporting the delusion. so - all your yoga and getting "centered" is kicked "off balance" each and every time with YOUR EXPECTATIONS of HER actions - to which - SHE responds with more inaction - and avoiding what's necessary for a healthy M = to connect with you. avoiding, avoiding, avoiding - and she expects YOU to find this acceptable... but your gut tells you NO. yet, YOU go back for more of the same = expecting it to be different. and it's not. denial = it's a tough one... seek YOUR truth - not your truth based on her inaction = illusion... illusion that everything is ok... it's not - your gut/your truth is telling you it's not - and you keep denying your truth. betrayal - sigh. Marital recovery is all about INSISTANCE on change...in your case, you've needed to STOP accepting her attitude/behavior/actions for a long time. But...anger is often one aspect of the body telling you that something needs to change. Use that energy to create change...rather than convincing yourself to accept changes that are harmful to your marriage and your relationship's well being. Either work to actually create change...or realize that by not enforcing change, you're passively accepting her treatment of you, and embrace that. if nothing changes = nothing changes. if nothing else - get a healthy, solid boundary that invokes change for happiness for YOU. NOT you based on her. YOU! stick to that boundary! Your other option is to simply accept her behaviors and actions and treatment of you. he's been doing this - it doesn't seem to giving him the outcome he had in mind. change is good! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 Change is good.. I am making efforts to change and telling her what I need for change. I really am trying to focus on myself more and what will make me happy. You lost me there a bit in your second paragraph. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Change is good.. I am making efforts to change and telling her what I need for change. I really am trying to focus on myself more and what will make me happy. You lost me there a bit in your second paragraph. your gut is kicking you that things are "off" - you keep relying on her to get you back in balance... only a healthy boundary will achieve that. by relying on her - your gut kicks you because you are betraying yourself. you are supporting the delusion by betraying self. is that easier for you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer203 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Share Posted July 7, 2011 2sunny: Thanks for clarifying, I understand now and you are right. I know what I have to do. ___ Well, that's it for me for a little folks - I am sure the weekend will bring more nonsense. If anything I will be back here sooner blathering on. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 {I'd suggest that you put on your helmet for this post, Surfer.} and telling her what I need for change. Screw that! You are telling her how to manipulate you and it plays right along with your passive aggressive tendencies. Do things to improve your life and if she follows along, great. If she doesn't then so be it. She's not a child or otherwise mentally incompetent, is she Surfer? Assuming that she is a "normal" adult, then why the bloody hell are you continuing to spoon feed her information on how to act remorseful and interested in saving the marriage? That's just ridiculous and leads to nothing good. (And to how I know... I did that same BS for years! I'm not even passive aggressive; it would've been worse.) For the love of all things, Surfer, stop babying your wife or she will use you and cheat again. One day, when you no longer serve her purposes or strike her fancy, she will leave you. One thing is for sure, she'll never respect or truly love you like this. I really am trying to focus on myself more and what will make me happy. AGAIN, do this and let the chips fall where they may. She's a big girl now... let her figure out what to do on her own! Stop telegraphing every little thing to her. {Okay, safe to remove the helmet now.} Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 My wife is finding happiness selfishly, through hanging out and having a good time with others. While she should be finding happiness by sharing a life with me, appreciating her life and what I do/give to her. She should find happiness by being a good wife and contributing to our home and lives on financial, emotional and spiritual levels. She is not doing any of the above. Surfer... THIS ^^ is the part of your quote that I truly believe you need her to see and for YOU to remind yourself of. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 2sunny: Thanks for clarifying, I understand now and you are right. I know what I have to do. so what is it you intend to DO? please share your plan - as i'm sure other folks are learning as you move along as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Again-two questions What reason has your wife given you for having the affair? What are your plans for building a new marriage? They require work, you know. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 Again-two questions What reason has your wife given you for having the affair? What are your plans for building a new marriage? They require work, you know. even more than this - what is she doing to change what caused her to cheat? what healing is she bringing to the M? what is she doing to be sure she won't do this again? how is she making the M and surfer HER top priority? what work is she willing to do to correct her behavior and set things right? IF she's not doing all that and more - with a specific plan of action - she's not in this to grow the M to a healthy, happy place, making sure that you know she loves only you. she should be willing to DO anything you require at this point. willingly, happily... because SHE is the one who cheated. if not, show her the door. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted July 8, 2011 Share Posted July 8, 2011 She doesn't have to, because he accepted her back without any consequences. If a cheater doesn't return with humility, the marriage is doomed. Link to post Share on other sites
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