How to stay sane while wife is making decision?

[michaelhopes]

Bravo....

As a surfer myself I can say there is no better therapy than hitting the waves...

Although its pretty frikken choppy here in Socal right now and my wetsuit has a hole in the butt....

[Surfer203]

I know what you are saying. Believe me I don't want a serious relationship at the moment, but it would be nice to just go out and have dinner with a girl and have a good time. Is that wrong to do at this stage?

 

michaelhopes: Quit your complaining, I surf in New York.. it is beyond cold right now, water temperature is about 52 degrees F and my wetsuit is a 4/3 - no surfing until Spring time. But you are right, surfing is an amazing thing to do when stressed. When you are surfing that is all that counts. My wife used to surf with me and we had many special moments this past summer surfing. I have been surfing with out her yet, I'm sure it will be a little weird the first time I go out.

[hopesndreams]

One thing that helps me a lot is I realize how miserable her life is going to be. She is out a job, health insurance, money, house, car, husband, friends and family have lost respect for her, she is going to owe me money for a long time to pay back debts, etc. She is going to have a pretty crappy life and that makes me feel a little better. Is that twisted?

 

Good things to keep in mind when she dangles the carrot. Not twisted at all. It's ok to be angry, hurt and frustrated. You would be a robot if you didn't have those emotions.

 

Remember, never forget, cheaters lie--BIG TIME--everything is always about them and the ways they manipulate, blameshift, gaslight, throw breadcrumbs, etc, to get what they want in the end, no matter who gets hurt, (as long as it ain't them). That's why it's imperative if you allow her to be back with you SHE needs to be the one to make amends and beg forgiveness. You didn't make her cheat and leave you. She needs to own that! And from what you've written, she's a million miles away from that.

 

She has found the grass isn't greener BUT the OM, the man she lives with, is new, gives butterflies and she doesn't want to give that up. Maybe they had a tiff and she turned to you, her ego boost and toyed with you. It's as simple as that really but it's hard for you to see that coz you love her.

 

The woman you once knew is gone. You're young and can pick up the pieces of your shattered heart and live life happy, without her.

[FreeNow]

Get an attorney right away.

 

You might be shocked at how little of that accumulated debt she ends up owing if you don't do everything legally in your favor now.

 

Cheating doesn't mean squat in divorce cases ('cept perhaps a few states, dunno).

 

Time to move ahead with sound legal advice. Get it and follow it. Don't delay!

[Surfer203]

Believe me.. I am still assuming most of what says are lies. Some of it I believe but most of it just seems like BS. The reason I am so confused is that I DO believe some of it. I am done with the mind games though. I am getting in touch with some lawyers early this week. Thanks for the tips.

[sirweasles]

Iwould ask her tomorrow to tell you her desition as planned and let her know that it has to be made if she goes back to om then she has ended it with you if she does opt to go to you then she has ended it with him now for your sake give her that option and if she doesnt chose you let her know that you will get the d papers goin and that you will prolly not beable to be on friend terms for some time but maybe in the future the worst thing you can ever do is burn bridges let her do the burning not you. understand she owes you nothing and even in court orderd papers you cant make her pay u a dime so be ready for that the best thing todo is suck it up and peiceyour life back together and be polite and nice to her if and when ever you see her but treat her like that first girl you had a crush on you liked her but you didnt go near her it has to be a clean respectful break and when she sees you living your life with out her you can know your revenge has been had

[Steadfast]

 

You are all right. I need to stop giving a f*** about her and what she is doing and what signs she is giving or not giving. I realize this. Time to try to put this in to play. If in the near future she comes back and I still want her back I will consider it. As of now, I don't care and am going to try and meet other women soon. This is my word. I will keep you all updated if she does or says anything noteworthy. Going to keep attending therapy sessions and trying to keep positive. I really appreciate all of the kind advice from everyone here at LS. I have had it, I am fed up and I will not subject myself to any more life in limbo.

 

 

A certain amount of anger is necessary. You must use your anger for motivation...to want something better. When controlled, anger can direct you to stop accepting lies, betrayal and breadcrumbs. I've said this like...six times now; leave her alone. Just leave her alone. Don't answer her calls, her texts, nothing. Change your number man. You need some time away to think and sort out feelings. Talking to her isn't going to help.

 

At the same time, be realistic. A certain part of you will always care. And wonder. Don't go all passive/aggressive. Calm yourself and find balance.

 

 

One thing that helps me a lot is I realize how miserable her life is going to be. She is out a job, health insurance, money, house, car, husband, friends and family have lost respect for her, she is going to owe me money for a long time to pay back debts, etc. She is going to have a pretty crappy life and that makes me feel a little better. Is that twisted?

 

No. In addition to the good advice you've already received (and like I said above) a certain amount of anger is needed here. You have the right.

 

In time, you'll have to make your peace with it and let her off the hook; emotionally. It'll make you feel better and speed healing. Remember this; if her suffering brings you joy, what will her joy bring you? Make no mistake, it can get worse. Don't let it. Her problems are hers. Not yours. Leave her alone and work on you.

[michaelhopes]

Every man has emotions....love,hate,joy,sadness,rage,revenge, forgiveness...

Never let your actions be determined by emotions.

Always base your direction on the common sense that God gave you.

Women are ruled by emotion....

Women love a man that is not ruled by emotion....

Women love a man that does what's right, despite emotion...despite whether you are together or not....

Women love a man that doesnt need her.

Women love the rock in the storm.

 

You taught her how to surf....she will always remember that.....

[Ballerfamily]

hey surfer

 

you can't just turn off the love and caring. I would have walked to the end of the earth for my ex. Its been 14 mon. I still cry for my family every day. Its still fresh man. I go to bed with a smile and wake with tears alot of mornings. If her unhappiness was because of you, you will see a happy person very soon and she will be whole.( which of course won't happen. She has to earn divorce. She has to be single just like you. You cant fix and heal in the arms of another rite away) She will never contact you. And if thats the case, cool. Deal bro. She deserves to be happy to.

[Surfer203]

I plan to shift my perspective and actions from here on out. I can't do this anymore, I can't dissect everything she says and does. I am about action now and nothing less. I will just leave her alone. She is the type that if given an ultimatum will just strike back with anger. There is no convincing or winning with her.

 

While I do agree that she deserves to be happy it still upsets me because she still insists that she was never happier in her life than with me just about 3 months ago. She was happy and things changed when the OM came along. Or so she is leading me to believe.

[Ballerfamily]

I plan to shift my perspective and actions from here on out. I can't do this anymore, I can't dissect everything she says and does. I am about action now and nothing less. I will just leave her alone. She is the type that if given an ultimatum will just strike back with anger. There is no convincing or winning with her.

 

While I do agree that she deserves to be happy it still upsets me because she still insists that she was never happier in her life than with me just about 3 months ago. She was happy and things changed when the OM came along. Or so she is leading me to believe.

 

Its hard to understand. She doesn't want you to think anything was up as she is was in the midst of her escape plan.

 

I thought we were getting along better then ever. In fact after she left on DDay, we would have dates, she would sleep with me, hold my hand, because she couldn't stand to see how hurt and confused I was. Then get up in the morning, lie to me, and head over to Om's. You wanna talk about pain and suffering. I had a tracking device on her, and then I had enough and told her mom. She then hit me with divorce papers to shut me up thinking I would crawl in a hole and be quiet.

 

I stood up to her. She could nothing but run and try to save face. From that day on, it was like a cat in a corner. She put me through hell. False charges, denied me visitation, lied to judge, got full custody of my kid, etc. She was used to doing as she pleased.

 

Mine swore up and down to me, are friends, that she never cheated on me, and that I was delusional. She wasn't sure how much I knew, even though her OM got her a scrambling device cause they thought I was possibly tracking her.

I super glued it so it didnt work, haha. The lies and deciet they will go to . Were divorced. She still denies to my 19 yr old son she ever had an affair. She tells him that I was so angry and mean and said unforgiveable things to her. What she forgets to tell him is that was all after Dday. I said alot of things in anger. I wish I would have taken the high road. It isnt worth it.

 

Funny thing, when we think things are great, they don't care anymore. Mine was never nicer and the sex was better then ever. go figure. We think finally, they get it.

Edited November 29, 2010 by Ballerfamily

[PegNosePete]

She flies back to NYC tomorrow and will be returning to her apartment. I told her I feared her going back to the apartment would be bad because the OM has the upper hand and will try to sway her from leaving.

So basically, she's going back to his place for a last few f*cks before crawling back to you, to look after her and tell her everything will be OK... for a few more months, until she finds another boy toy?

 

She has made it clear that all she cares about is herself. she said there is no plan, I don't plan anymore.

Dude... these words should make it pretty obvious that your marriage is OVER. She doesn't give a sh#t about you and she has no plans on having a long-term relationship with you. You're waiting for her decision but she has clearly made it already.

[Darren Steez]

I've been reading this thread with interest and one thing is clear, no matter what opinions are offered, it all goes out the window because when it comes trying to think rationally through the fog of emotions and just the sheer weight of history between the two of them and also the lingering hope that she will go back to him. No ultimatums given, just a whole lot of foot shuffling and getting prepared to make the tough choices whilst not actually making them. In his head he's ready to move on and this woman knows she can go to OM do what she wants because this guy will ultimately do nothing. The door will always be slightly ajar and she'll always have a fall back. The change has to ultimately come from you Surfer, either you want to move on or continue to be stuck in this holding pattern. For me I cant understand, do you still love her when you're sleeping alone at night and thinking of her being f**ked by someone else, and at that same moment does she love you?

[Surfer203]

Well.. you will be happy to hear that I don't give a s*** anymore. She messaged me this morning from the airport, being all friendly and stuff. I ignored it and she said she will let me know when she lands. I am just going NC until there is a REAL decision made. I am not going to be led around like a stupid dog anymore. Yesterday it really sank in how nuts she is and how unfocused on reality she has become... this is a major turn off for me. It made me see her in a completely different light as if she is another person now. I want MY WIFE back.. not this transformed NUT JOB. She is going to fly back and then make up her mind?! I am not having that.. I am not giving her time anymore. If she decides soon and I still feel like taking her back I will consider it. As of now, I am not hoping, wishing or thinking about that possibility. Strength is washing over me.. tonight I am going to an MMA fighting gym to begin training. It has been 2-3 months since I have been in the gym and I used to be an avid work out enthusiast. So, it is now time to get my life back. Going to be stronger than ever! Mentally and physically.

[Ballerfamily]

Well.. you will be happy to hear that I don't give a s*** anymore. She messaged me this morning from the airport, being all friendly and stuff. I ignored it and she said she will let me know when she lands. I am just going NC until there is a REAL decision made. I am not going to be led around like a stupid dog anymore. Yesterday it really sank in how nuts she is and how unfocused on reality she has become... this is a major turn off for me. It made me see her in a completely different light as if she is another person now. back..I want MY WIFE not this transformed NUT JOB. She is going to fly back and then make up her mind?! I am not having that.. I am not giving her time anymore. If she decides soon and I still feel like taking her back I will consider it. As of now, I am not hoping, wishing or thinking about that possibility. Strength is washing over me.. tonight I am going to an MMA fighting gym to begin training. It has been 2-3 months since I have been in the gym and I used to be an avid work out enthusiast. So, it is now time to get my life back. Going to be stronger than ever! Mentally and physically.

 

Exactly, and that woman is gone. The sad thing is you lost her along time ago. Woman take time. The stigma is tuff for them. Remember, men equal wanting sex(most times) woman equal EA then most times to prove to OM, it turns PA.

 

I've studied OM on this forum. MW are easy pickings. I could never figure out why an OM would want to be with a messed up woman. can you imagine the problems down the road. Oh my. It almost makes me want to write a thank you note to OM. No amount of sex is worth that.

 

Thats what is next. Your anger and frustration will turn to him. Stay away. He is not worth your time. It validates him, he took her from you.

Oh, wow. Big conquest. Like taking candy from a baby. One of the easiset lays they'll ever get.

 

I saw sexting between Om and my ex. All he talked was sex and staying the course and partying. She did a little, but was using him for support. The OM's dont stay if they dont get sex. These are the kind of men woman despise eventually. Stay true. If your a good man, woman will swoop in on you. They will tell that good men are few in the single world.

[Surfer203]

Thanks for the advice. I am really not trying to focus on the OM. The way I see it is - their relationship will NOT pan out. What kind of relationship is expected to exist when a "man" if so easily able to be with a married woman. What kind of person do they think they are getting involved with.. both are cheaters and it is obvious this pattern will continue on both sides of the fence. That gives me a bit of solace.

[pdxdad123]

I am just going NC until there is a REAL decision made.[...] . As of now, I am not hoping, wishing or thinking about that possibility. Strength is washing over me.. tonight I am going to an MMA fighting gym to begin training. It has been 2-3 months since I have been in the gym and I used to be an avid work out enthusiast. So, it is now time to get my life back. Going to be stronger than ever! Mentally and physically.

 

Way to go, let us know how it goes.

[Surfer203]

Thanks pal! I am actually smiling right now, a genuine one. I feel good.. just confident and happy and ready for MY life again. OUR life is clearly over.

[karnak]

What kind of person do they think they are getting involved with.. both are cheaters and it is obvious this pattern will continue on both sides of the fence. That gives me a bit of solace.

 

As some people stated earlier try reading Michelle Langley. She was one of the firsts to have the guts to truly address the problem.

 

Your wife was probably like she is now since day 1. But when she was younger she had other goals or other views concerning life. As she's getting older her purposes and directives are changing. Unlike what so many people here think women crave sex and physical pleasure just as much as we men do. Unfortunately, society has for many years tried to "control" them, making them think that sex is wrong and that a woman is not allowed to feel pleasure or lust (sort of a psychological castration).

 

Nowadays, many women, as they grow older, start to accept and embrace their "sexual side". And, just like it happens with many men, they begin to live a "carefree life", involving sexual gratification. And, if they can't get it, they bail out.

 

This is the sort of thing that still causes some shock and disbelief, because many people (specially men) are still seeing women according to a "victorian age", puritan perspective.

[Surfer203]

Yeah.. our sex life dwindled a bit towards the end and I'm sure that didn't help the situation. Oh well.. not going to think about what she is doing anymore. I don't give a F***! Time to make myself happy, she can get AIDS for all I care.

[slowbutSURE]

Stay the course Surfer, we are all speaking from experience and want your pain and BS to stop! You did not have the power to do so before, she held all of the power. NOW the power is shifting into your court and I promise you, she will not like it!

Be prepared for her to manipulate and twist the truth in order to gain her power over you once again. Trust me, I speak from experience. Almost all of the stories you read on this forum are close to identical in how they play out. I "knew" at the time, mine was different. WRONG! Same story, same BS, same outcome.

Be nice and cordial, you don't have to be an ass, but be firm, resolute and speak in statements NOT open ended questions. If you provide the open door for her to wiggle through, your pain, wondering and life of uncertainty will be right back. This process will repeat until YOU pull the plug on it. She has no reason to stop it, she is liking it. Its killing you with doubt and uncertainty, you have to stop it!

Good luck man, we are all pulling for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Surfer203]

Thanks very much for your support. I feel better than I have in a long time right now and it is because I am done. During our relationship I became less of a man and less of myself. It is really sad, now I realize that I can be myself again and make decisions and do what I want to do. It is liberating. Sure, I am a bit lonely at night - it's just me and my 2 cats sitting around. I am sure over time it won't be as bad. For now, I am not going to focus on her I am going to focus on me. I will keep going to therapy, get involved with working out actively again and spending time with friends and family more. I am optimistic in my own future and that is all that counts.

[2.50 a gallon]

Surfer beware the roller coaster ride is just beginning. Today you are up, tomorrow when you wake up, your down for the day, followed by another up cycle.

 

Be gentle with her, do not push the hardline too hard. The reason I say this if you push the hard line today, she will try the "You ruined it" routine, "I was all set to come back to you, but you ruined it" Just be firm, I might not even ask her what her decision is, let her bring it up.

 

Part of the probem is that you are playing her game by her rules. Love is not a game.

 

If it is you she has to go no contact forever. If it is not, There are thousand of good looking women out there looking for a guy like you. Her loss, your gain

 

I am convinced the best bet to getting over this is to get back into dating. You will be amazed how uplifted you will be when another pretty face shows interest om you.

 

My XW went nuts when she found out that I was dating again. She totally lost it when we bumped into each other, I had a date she was with her girl friends

 

"That $#&%* is F***n my husband"

 

She still thought that she owned me

[Surfer203]

I agree with you on being careful with the Hardline. For now I am just going to ignore her until she speaks to me and has a decision. She just sent me a text saying.. "Just landed! I will keep you abreast of a decision as soon as I reach one. I know it has to be soon". What do you take of that? This morning her texts were all friendly and bubbly and that last one seems like all business.. haha. What a nutjob this girl is. I am going to continue on my path.

 

I know dating would help a lot, I think that is the next step, maybe I will give that a little time.. but not too much. That is awesome that our EX saw you with your girlfriend out in public, what a slap in the face. Good for you!

[What_Next]

Surfer203, I am happy for you, but I also must caution you that the rooler coaster is just beginning. Like has been mentioned you are up now, but that won't be the end of it. Ride it though.

 

Also as has been mentioned if she comes back (and she MUST come back on her own), be stern and lay out the facts as they stand and lay out what you will and won't accept.

 

Only you know what you can live with. I do not regret beginning a reconciliation with my wife, although our circumstances are much different.

 

Good luck, keep posting! LS has been a fantastic resource for me and I have little doubt that it helped me remain sane!