Why do women pretend everything is good and then leave for no reason?

[Surfer203]

After the split with my wife I am still left with tons of questions.. the biggest one for me still is Why would my wife pretend life was good and she was happy only to leave and act like I am not worth it all of a sudden? Obviouslly she had to be feeling something preceeding her leaving. She claims she met this guy and left me because she has "feelings" for this guy who she barely knows. How can some one just throw it all away on a amazingly huge gamble?!

[Enema]

You'd be amazed how often we hear exactly the same thing here.

 

I think in large part, it comes down to biology.

 

Cheating isn't logical. Leaving a "good" marriage isn't logical. It's just ingrained in us as a way to successfully pass our genes on - fuck anything and everything that moves.

 

Monogamy is not a natural instinct and some people can't sustain it. Sorry it happened to you, it's not your fault.

[Surfer203]

Funny you say biological.. my wife was a Vegan (maybe she is lacking B vitamins that made her lose her mind) and she just got off of her birth control a couple of weeks before she cheated and left me. Maybe her hormones went out of wack and she met the guy and just lost it? Is that possible?

[NoLongerSad]

Funny you say biological.. my wife was a Vegan (maybe she is lacking B vitamins that made her lose her mind) and she just got off of her birth control a couple of weeks before she cheated and left me. Maybe her hormones went out of wack and she met the guy and just lost it? Is that possible?

 

Surfer, most people who have food obsessions of one kind or another--in your wife's case a so called "Vegan"--have numerous other emotional problems as well.

[sumdude]

Our brains are made to solve problems and get answers. Especially us men, we want data and then a way to fix something. But in the matter of love, sex and women there is no logic. You'll just drive yourself crazy trying to answer an unanswerable question. Best you can do is accept and move on. No, it sure as he!! ain't easy! Been there done that. But it's the only way to gain any mental peace and go forward.

[willowthewisp]

Men do this too. My X jilted me after nearly 20 years together right after we booked the wedding, no warning, he even said he had deliberately kept his feelings hidden. My IC says this is B*****T. I got my answers in IC, I had to wait 20 months for counselling, I would strongly suggest that if you can, you go now, it may help.

 

Sorry you are going through this, your wife is an absolute ****** for cheating on you, nothing ever justifys that.

[karnak]

After the split with my wife I am still left with tons of questions.. the biggest one for me still is Why would my wife pretend life was good and she was happy only to leave and act like I am not worth it all of a sudden? Obviouslly she had to be feeling something preceeding her leaving. She claims she met this guy and left me because she has "feelings" for this guy who she barely knows. How can some one just throw it all away on a amazingly huge gamble?!

 

Have you (and some other men here) ever considered that your wife never loved you for real? That, perhaps, she only married for material reasons or because she was afraid she'd be alone or she wanted to forget a past lover?

 

That yours was a "crutch-marriage" so to speak?

 

I'm not saying it was. I'm just saying that it's possible to marry a person without really being in love with him/her. When such a thing happens it's very easy to leave our partner.

 

Try reading Michelle Langley's "Why Women Cheat". One may agree with her statements or not. But, regardless... she raises some interesting questions.

[Surfer203]

NoLongerSad: I think you may be right.. one of her close friends seems to think she may have had a eating disorder.. like a restrictive diet. She attributes this to her controlling nature and thinks it could have effected her emotions. I think this is perceptive and maybe part of the equation.

 

willowthewisp: I am in therapy.. I decided to go immediately after this happened because I realized how important it was.. I tried to convince my wife to go to a therapist on her own and she says "I can't really afford that right now" - WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN'T LEAVE ME AND ABANDON YOUR JOB YOU WOULD HAVE SOME MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!! So frustrating.

 

Karkank: I don't think that is what our marriage was.. we were in love deeply for years. I could be wrong though.

[OpMojo]

...

 

Try reading Michelle Langley's "Why Women Cheat". One may agree with her statements or not. But, regardless... she raises some interesting questions.

 

Hey guys, first post.

 

Gotta agree with karnak about the Michelle Langley book. It helped me out a lot when I was going through a similar experience to surfer203.

 

It's ****ed up, but some women just cheat regardless of the damage they do to their relationships and their children. It's just the way it is. Of course, on the flip side, some men just cheat too.

 

Seriously, read the book and apply some of the insights to your own situation. You'll find that hindsight can be 20/20. It's a tough read, but it's worth it to know that while you may have contributed to the situation, some women are just gonna cheat regardless of how perfect you are as a lover, husband or father.

 

Take it easy Brother.

[whichwayisup]

Chances are, she probably did her grieving quietly and decided a long time ago it was over (in her mind). or she is in a complete affair fog, affairyland and hasn't had reality check yet.

 

Sorry you're hurting but the woman you once loved isn't there anymore. As hard as it is to do, I hope you work through this difficult time and come out stronger and wiser, find a woman who will adore and love you till the cows say moo!

[2.50 a gallon]

It is simple, she is in an infatuation fog. Her body is full of love chemicals and had impreinted on the OM. It can happen over night.

 

When I met my ex-fiance she had been dating one guy for about a year, and had just began dating a second guy. Both of them had money and took her for fancy dining. The second guy's family was one of the high mucky mucks of our city.

 

She was supposed to go out with guy #1 on Friday, and guy #2 was taking her to a fancy ball on Satuday night. She already had a fancy gown, and had been waiting for this Cinderella date for almost 2 months.

 

She flat told me I had no chance. The only reason she finally went with me was because I offered to take her fishing, something she had never tried.

 

That was on Thurday. Friday night after work I was surprised to find her knocking on my door, to invite herself in and me out to dinner, and to tell me that she had broken it off with guy #1 and was prepared to break it off with #2. By telling her to enjoy herself on Saturday, and come by for a cookout on Sunday. I came off as confident.

 

Over night, I went from not even in third place, but to being the one and only.

[Surfer203]

I believe you are right - it is an infatuation fog. This happened literally over night and she is in this relationship and can't see what is really important and why what she is doing is stupid and destructive. I can't snap her out of it - I have tried left and right, up and down.

[Steadfast]

 

This happened literally over night and she is in this relationship and can't see what is really important and why what she is doing is stupid and destructive. I can't snap her out of it - I have tried left and right, up and down.

 

 

The harder you try, the more she'll resist. That's a fact. Know this; she is calling the shots...at least where the two of you are concerned. It's nearly certain she's promised the OM that she'll distance herself from you, but because she's a cheater (and this is her nature) she's secretly keeping you as an option. That's why your constant ass kissing is actually hurting your relationship. You're in her emotional bank. A sure thing. Stop being that.

 

I understand the need to understand, to get to the bottom of it. Again, everyone feels that way surfer, but the reality very well may be she does not fully understand it herself. Langley is a good read because it specifically focuses on women's issues regarding 'proper' behavior and the conflict women face today. The answers you seek (not necessarily want) are in her books. Ironically, most women hate her...it's a bit too revealing.

 

Here's a promise: Move away from her, let her go and you'll see some radical change. However, if you're doing this to play games, lure her back in or otherwise deceive her (like saying goodbye and not meaning it) then it'll backfire and you'll end up more miserable than ever. Resist the temptation to manipulate. Focus on what is going to remove you from this situation of pain and stay on task. Let her go, let her off the hook and treat her with kindness. Holding on to anger and resentment will eat you alive.

 

The idea is to reach a place of heath. In body and spirit. Find your strength. We can only choose for ourselves surfer. Look after you.

[ConstantCraving]

After the split with my wife I am still left with tons of questions.. the biggest one for me still is Why would my wife pretend life was good and she was happy only to leave and act like I am not worth it all of a sudden? Obviouslly she had to be feeling something preceeding her leaving. She claims she met this guy and left me because she has "feelings" for this guy who she barely knows. How can some one just throw it all away on a amazingly huge gamble?!

 

If she was an honest, decent person she could have ended the relationship with you before she embarked on her new relationship.

 

I can only conclude that she isn't trustworthy or decent.

[Surfer203]

I am done trying hard. I tried up until yesterday, today she leaves. So, that is it from me - I told her I would not be contacting her anymore. NO MORE!!!

 

 

I know she was a good person prior to this, something just snapped. I am not making excuses for her. But I understand she may giving me small bits of hope to keep me as a back up plan, which she denies.

[sumdude]

Chances are, she probably did her grieving quietly and decided a long time ago it was over (in her mind). or she is in a complete affair fog, affairyland and hasn't had reality check yet.

 

Sorry you're hurting but the woman you once loved isn't there anymore. As hard as it is to do, I hope you work through this difficult time and come out stronger and wiser, find a woman who will adore and love you till the cows say moo!

 

Indeed, in hindsight I'm pretty sure my ex decided it was over a few months earlier. So she started opening up to the idea of someone else. Made sure she had plan B set up before leaving me so she didn't have to be alone. She kept up appearances with me so she had a comfort zone while that developed. I don't know about any affair fog. Seemed pretty cold and calculating to me.

 

OP, start moving on now. Let go totally, she's done, it's over. You'll get through the pain and find yourself just fine on the other side. Just be careful about holding onto anger. It will get in the way of future possibilities.

Edited November 24, 2010 by sumdude

[Surfer203]

I know that every situation is different, some how I have a bit of hope for my wife.. it feels kind of weak, but I feel empowered by choosing to give her a chance. Maybe I am just P**** whipped.

[Steadfast]

Best of luck to you then. Here's hoping your intuition is right and you find the happiness you seek. Be well!

[Surfer203]

Thanks, I hope I am right too.. we will see. I have some updates and will post in my other thread.

[marg]

I just read your original post and it is so similar to what my husband did!! I would ask all the time we good? Everything ok? always got the reply of "sure were fine!" Then bam he left and all of a sudden had not been happy in a long time and had feelings for some women he barley knew!!! I unfortunately have no advice I am sad that anyone is having to deal with the same thing I am. I know it will get better for us both.

[Gunny376]

Not to laugh at any one's expense? But it all seems like a script from the movie "The Great Escape!" doesn't it?

 

"Sometimes Life is just to damned ridiculous to live and you've just got to live it somewhere between a laugh and a tear!" (John Melencamp)

 

People come and people go? But there ain't one single monkey that makes a show?

[Surfer203]

marg: Sorry you are going through this too. It really has been the single toughest thing I have faced in my life. I am feeling stronger though and it has been about 5 weeks since she left. I feel confident and strong and ready to face whatever decision my wife makes. The crappy part with my situation is I keep getting hope from my wife, I keep getting emotional sentiment on the phone with her and it is driving me nuts. I hope the end is near.

 

Gunny376: I know it is just like a soap opera or crazy movie. It feels like a dream - everyone in my life agrees, so surreal. I know there are more fish and the sea, but I kind of like this fish and want to keep her on the hook for a while... blah!

[marg]

Surfer, it has been about 4 weeks for me and well I know my 15 year marriage is over. Some days I feel confident like a strong beautiful woman who can handle anything. Other times I feel like a 35 year old little girl who doesn't have a clue!!! I hope how ever ur situation turns out u find tru happines. I don't know if I will ever trust again.....

[Surfer203]

marg: Good luck to you - if the guy can't see the light then you are better off. I think the same applies to my wife. If she can't see what she is losing and really appreciate the impact it will have on the rest of her life, so be it. Have a great life you idiot. We will get through this though.. both of us.

[marg]

Thank you. I needed words of encouragement today. Its my birthday and I have had a very emotional bad day. I am such a glass half full kind of gal it is killing my family to see me sad. I am determined however to work through this and get back to that happy fun loving crazy girl. You are so right about the fact that if they can't see what they are losing then forget it. We will be okay and better off in the end. We deserve better!