I don't understand what HE thinks is going on...

[mm87]

I met this guy at school, we chatted for a bit in class, and i did think he was very charming. He found me on facebook and sent me a message asking if i wanted to get drinks sometime, or go for a walk.

I said that I had a boyfriend, but would love to go for a walk and just talk, and he agreed, saying that me having a boyfriend doesn't mean we couldn't have some good conversation.

After that, we started emailing back and forth multiple times a day, just getting to know eachother. I started to really like him, but not in a sexual way, just as a friend. I ended up giving him my phone number to make plans to go for a walk after class, and we started texting all the time as well.

He would text me good morning every morning, and we would text throughout the day. My boyfriend knew about this, but I kept reassuring him that I didn't like him in anyway other than as a friend...

I obviously thought he liked me initially, but now that I know him better, I think this is how he treats women. He's very charming and social, and has gotten coffee with a lot of older women in our class as well, so now I'm thinking he wasn't hitting on me, just wanted to make a new friend. This made me feel less guilty about hanging out with him and talking to him.

We started hanging out outside of class a few days ago, and I ended up going to his house until about 5 in the morning. We talked, and watched movies, and I had a nice time. I didn't tell my boyfriend I went over there.

Last night I went over there again until about 6am. We hung out in his bed listening to music, but again, nothing happened.

But he did put his arm around me when we were lying down, and tried to snuggle with me. I kept making jokes about it, kind of pushing him away, but he said he was just tired and got affectionate when he was tired (but told me not to go home...). We ended up talking about how he was very social, and said that women often miscontrude him for flirting, and coming onto them. This confused me even more.

I don't want him to like me, or try to make a move on me, because then I would really stop hanging out with him, but what does he think is going on?

I am probably giving mixed signals as well, but it's all in good fun because I thought that he didn't like me... If he does, I don't know what to do...

I just want to know if this is appropriate or not? I'm not going to ask him because we aren't that close, and I don't want him to be put off by any drama I may give him....

What is going on?

[OldSkool]

1. It is not appropriate. You are having an emotional affair. Anything you do with someone else that you don't want to tell your boyfriend about is suspect.

 

2. Someone of the opposite sex who only wants a friendship does NOT go over to their house till 5am, nor do they lie in the same bed with that person.

 

3. Of course you are sending this guy mixed messages, let's see.

I have a boyfriend, but we can hang out regularly 1 on 1.

I have a boyfriend, but here is my phone number.

I have a boyfriend, but I'll hang out alone with you at your place until the early morning hours.

I have a boyfriend, but I'll lie in bed with you alone.

I have a boyfriend, but.......

 

Do you get the point?

 

4. You need to take a long look at yourself and your actions. What to do, I would suggest that you break it off immediately, unless you are "ladder climbing" (reaching for a new boyfriend, before taking your hand off the other one).

[O'Malley]

I don't want him to like me, or try to make a move on me, because then I would really stop hanging out with him, but what does he think is going on?

I am probably giving mixed signals as well, but it's all in good fun because I thought that he didn't like me... If he does, I don't know what to do...

I just want to know if this is appropriate or not? I'm not going to ask him because we aren't that close, and I don't want him to be put off by any drama I may give him....

 

He may possibly be hoping that a friendship with you will springboard into further intimacy (whether than means a relationship or not). It's also very normal to be flattered by and enjoy the attraction that someone else has for you.

 

But I do think this has gone beyond the boundaries of mere friendship on both sides. He's not behaving around you the way he'd treat his buddies. You're not responding to him the way you would your female friends, as you wouldn't be hiding a visit with one of them from your boyfriend. If you don't want anything to happen, you do need to enforce those boundaries now-- no more intimate chats, no late night visits, no flirting, no snuggling. Invite him to hang out with you and your boyfriend, instead of spending time alone with him.

 

Are you genuinely happy with your boyfriend, or is your friendship with this guy providing you with needs that you feel aren't being met in your relationship? That's the bigger question you have to ask yourself.

Edited November 24, 2010 by O'Malley

[wierdmunky]

I met this guy at school, we chatted for a bit in class, and i did think he was very charming. He found me on facebook and sent me a message asking if i wanted to get drinks sometime, or go for a walk.

I said that I had a boyfriend, but would love to go for a walk and just talk, and he agreed, saying that me having a boyfriend doesn't mean we couldn't have some good conversation.

After that, we started emailing back and forth multiple times a day, just getting to know eachother. I started to really like him, but not in a sexual way, just as a friend. I ended up giving him my phone number to make plans to go for a walk after class, and we started texting all the time as well.

He would text me good morning every morning, and we would text throughout the day. My boyfriend knew about this, but I kept reassuring him that I didn't like him in anyway other than as a friend...

I obviously thought he liked me initially, but now that I know him better, I think this is how he treats women. He's very charming and social, and has gotten coffee with a lot of older women in our class as well, so now I'm thinking he wasn't hitting on me, just wanted to make a new friend. This made me feel less guilty about hanging out with him and talking to him.

We started hanging out outside of class a few days ago, and I ended up going to his house until about 5 in the morning. We talked, and watched movies, and I had a nice time. I didn't tell my boyfriend I went over there.

Last night I went over there again until about 6am. We hung out in his bed listening to music, but again, nothing happened.

But he did put his arm around me when we were lying down, and tried to snuggle with me. I kept making jokes about it, kind of pushing him away, but he said he was just tired and got affectionate when he was tired (but told me not to go home...). We ended up talking about how he was very social, and said that women often miscontrude him for flirting, and coming onto them. This confused me even more.

I don't want him to like me, or try to make a move on me, because then I would really stop hanging out with him, but what does he think is going on?

I am probably giving mixed signals as well, but it's all in good fun because I thought that he didn't like me... If he does, I don't know what to do...

I just want to know if this is appropriate or not? I'm not going to ask him because we aren't that close, and I don't want him to be put off by any drama I may give him....

What is going on?

 

 

I've been in a similar situation, not having a bf, and even if it might be enjoyable and "innocent", it's still affectionate and something that would draw the line between a friendship, and almost like "dating" without a label.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Why can't women understand this.

 

 

Men simply DO NOT DO the "(only) friendship" thing with women (outside of the workplace or other structured areas wherein they are basically forced to interact) without seeing themselves as being in-line for romantic affections (as if holding a number at the bakery or the DMV).

[urdestiny]

Why can't women understand this.

 

 

Men simply DO NOT DO the "(only) friendship" thing with women (outside of the workplace or other structured areas wherein they are basically forced to interact) without seeing themselves as being in-line for romantic affections (as if holding a number at the bakery or the DMV).

 

I agree and disagee with this comment. I believe at 1st men simply do not do the only friendship thing without hoping for more. My best friend and I started out that exact way. On that note we are super close and talk to eachother about anything and everything it is VERY possible for a guy to have a friend only relationship with a girl. You just have to give it time and plenty of conversations to get there! hahaha

[SincereOnlineGuy]

... yeah, AND involve the guy in a relationship in the mean while with a woman he would prefer to the 'friend'.

[nobody u know]

I agree, the guy is just trying to have a more intimate relationship with you. He is running a game on you, and is afraid to be more direct. I am a man, and know how his mind works.

[April Showers]

OLDSCHOOL knows a 'Golden Rule'. "You reap what you sew." Anyone in this kind of situation should read OLDSCHOOL's post.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I agree and disagee with this comment. I believe at 1st men simply do not do the only friendship thing without hoping for more. My best friend and I started out that exact way. On that note we are super close and talk to eachother about anything and everything it is VERY possible for a guy to have a friend only relationship with a girl. You just have to give it time and plenty of conversations to get there! hahaha

 

... well then substitute the word "... initiate" if you won't see the reality right in front of you.

 

 

 

Pay special attention to the "he found me on Facebook"...

[KraftDinner]

He's putting the moves on you while covering his own butt in terms of facing actual rejection.

[spiderowl]

Seems to me that you like him and want him. You are tip-toeing ever so gradually into a relationship with him. You think you aren't deceiving your boyfriend because you've said you'll hang out with this other guy as a friend. You know deep down what's going on and you want this guy to react as more than a friend. It's so transparent that you are really keen for him to make a move as you wouldn't mention it otherwise. Why don't you accept you are attracted to him and let your boyfriend know you don't have strong enough feelings for him any more. This is not fair on him and you are just fooling yourself.