Accepting personal responsibility

[jennie-jennie]

The thing is JJ, he may be "your" man, but you aren't "his" woman. In the eyes of the law, and most people's eyes, his wife is "his" woman because they are married.

 

The only "eyes" I care about are my MM's, and he considers me his woman.

 

If she found out the truth, would you go to her and tell her she has a fight on her hands because he's "your" man? And you're going to fight it out with her? Just wondering.

 

Of course I wouldn't. I would fight to keep the relationship with my MM by talking to him of course. It's up to him if he wants to have a relationship with me or not.

[jennie-jennie]

Yet you call him "my man". I'm just sayin'.

 

Not because I own him or have any rights to him, but because he chooses to be in a relationship with me.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't know of ANY BS who would "care" for her husband's affair (or as you call it relationship) partner, the OW. So, yes I am in agreement with you on that. And obviously the OW doesn't care about the BS or her marriage, if she did, she wouldn't be having an affair with a MM.

 

Which is why it makes no sense that posters on LS appeal to OW's empathy.

[whichwayisup]

The only "eyes" I care about are my MM's, and he considers me his woman.

 

 

 

Of course I wouldn't. I would fight to keep the relationship with my MM by talking to him of course. It's up to him if he wants to have a relationship with me or not.

 

Yet he considers his wife 'his' woman too. Though he may not admit that to you.

 

I don't know JJ, I guess I have to commend you for sticking with him..I forget how many years you've been with him and sharing him with his wife - Even more so since it's a LDA (long distance) You must be a strong person to put up with the bad stuff, the pain and all or do you just focus on the good stuff and choose to sweep the painful stuff away so it doesn't ruin what you have with him? Just one day this all could blow up and he could be gone. I know you say you'd accept it if he chose her, but something tells me you're putting on a brave face there.

[BB07]

Which is why it makes no sense that posters on LS appeal to OW's empathy.

 

I don't recall seeing any posts like that, can you point me to one?

[whichwayisup]

Which is why it makes no sense that posters on LS appeal to OW's empathy.

 

I was talking about BS's in their own situations referring to WS's OW. Not on here. Let's not go there eh? There are many BS's and OW's who have genuine respect and like for another and have called a truce, everyone seems to be making efforts so let's not open that door and ruin a thread that's been having a pretty good discussion.

[jthorne]

I would think it impossible that you have your own life, if you would be spending it reaching into someone else's marriage and to covet.

I would think it impossible to have a REAL relationship if someone is on a forum every waking hour discussing said relationship. It seems there is more discussing of the relationship then there is actually HAVING it.

[Sidtheskid]

 

The argument that the OW should have empathy for the BS and back off is used so often on LS, that I feel the need to point out that if empathy was at all at play when it comes to love it should be mutual. Both the BS and the OW should show empathy for the other's pain in that case. So all BS who use this argument should consider whether they would be willing to do the same towards the OW/OM. Otherwise the argument falls on its own absurdity.

 

I agree with you here, Jennie. This is a valid point. Everyone of us is a single, human being and we are all connected in our humanity. To argue that an OW should show empathy where a BS should not is absurd.

 

The same goes for compassion and forgiveness. One cannot expect it from someone, if they are not willing to give it.

[Silly_Girl]

I would think it impossible to have a REAL relationship if someone is on a forum every waking hour discussing said relationship. It seems there is more discussing of the relationship then there is actually HAVING it.

 

I think you could be a little less judgmental towards people. I post on my phone when I'm walking the dog, or waiting for the kettle to boil in the work kitchen, or waiting for the ice to melt off my windscreen. We're not all chained to our home computers just because we post. You post fairly frequently, I've never seen anyone insinuate anything of you as a result. This particular dig has got tiresome.

 

And anyway, most people have 16 or so 'waking hours', I think these boards would be a hell of a lot busier if any poster(s) were tippy-tappying here that much.

[jennie-jennie]

I don't recall seeing any posts like that, can you point me to one?

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=3124003&postcount=161

 

BB, you can't have missed all the posts which wonder how the OW can be in an affair knowing the pain the BS suffers?

 

Here's an entire thread dedicated to this subject. It is called "Empathy Issue?"

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t233619/

[jennie-jennie]

I was talking about BS's in their own situations referring to WS's OW. Not on here. Let's not go there eh? There are many BS's and OW's who have genuine respect and like for another and have called a truce, everyone seems to be making efforts so let's not open that door and ruin a thread that's been having a pretty good discussion.

 

I have always wondered why empathy is asked of one woman and not another. I think that is a perfectly good subject for a discussion.

 

Connecting to the OP, you can accept responsibility for your actions, and still continue having the affair. You can show empathy for the wife, and yet not be prepared to give up your relationship.

Edited December 3, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[jennie-jennie]

Yet he considers his wife 'his' woman too. Though he may not admit that to you.

 

I don't know JJ, I guess I have to commend you for sticking with him..I forget how many years you've been with him and sharing him with his wife - Even more so since it's a LDA (long distance) You must be a strong person to put up with the bad stuff, the pain and all or do you just focus on the good stuff and choose to sweep the painful stuff away so it doesn't ruin what you have with him? Just one day this all could blow up and he could be gone. I know you say you'd accept it if he chose her, but something tells me you're putting on a brave face there.

 

I am sorry, I can not respond to this post, since I do not want to thread jack the thread with my situation.

[jennie-jennie]

I would think it impossible to have a REAL relationship if someone is on a forum every waking hour discussing said relationship. It seems there is more discussing of the relationship then there is actually HAVING it.

 

You know there are men who need to work even when their woman doesn't.

[jthorne]

An affair is not a marriage. And whether you believe in marriage or not, the person you are involved with did believe in it enough to engage in one. Since we're discussing absurdity, to say that an affair (something that many would say isn't even a real relationship) should be respected and empathy owed equal to a marriage is about the most absurd thing I've ever read.

 

Those of you with daughters are going to tell them that they should respect and empathize with the OW if their BF/H cheats on them? That the OW's relationship to their BF/H is equal to theirs? Wow, ok.

 

It seems sad then that neither relationship holds much value.

[bentnotbroken]

I think different gangs in the city, mark (graffiti) my building - as a gesture of declaring their 'territory'.

 

And dogs pee on their territory.

[jthorne]

I think you could be a little less judgmental towards people. I post on my phone when I'm walking the dog, or waiting for the kettle to boil in the work kitchen, or waiting for the ice to melt off my windscreen. We're not all chained to our home computers just because we post. You post fairly frequently, I've never seen anyone insinuate anything of you as a result. This particular dig has got tiresome.

 

And anyway, most people have 16 or so 'waking hours', I think these boards would be a hell of a lot busier if any poster(s) were tippy-tappying here that much.

Sorry if I hit a nerve.

[jennie-jennie]

I think you could be a little less judgmental towards people. I post on my phone when I'm walking the dog, or waiting for the kettle to boil in the work kitchen, or waiting for the ice to melt off my windscreen. We're not all chained to our home computers just because we post. You post fairly frequently, I've never seen anyone insinuate anything of you as a result. This particular dig has got tiresome.

 

And anyway, most people have 16 or so 'waking hours', I think these boards would be a hell of a lot busier if any poster(s) were tippy-tappying here that much.

 

Exactly. I use LS as I used to use the newspaper. I read and post when I take a break from whatever I am doing.

[Silly_Girl]

Sorry if I hit a nerve.

 

Not a nerve. You detract from good threads when you insist on rehashing the same (meaningless) dig. Maybe give it up for new year?!

[jennie-jennie]

An affair is not a marriage. And whether you believe in marriage or not, the person you are involved with did believe in it enough to engage in one. Since we're discussing absurdity, to say that an affair (something that many would say isn't even a real relationship) should be respected and empathy owed equal to a marriage is about the most absurd thing I've ever read.

 

Those of you with daughters are going to tell them that they should respect and empathize with the OW if their BF/H cheats on them? That the OW's relationship to their BF/H is equal to theirs? Wow, ok.

 

It seems sad then that neither relationship holds much value.

 

I am saying that it is as absurd to expect the OW to respect and empathise with the BS as to expect the BS to respect and empathise with the OW. Love for a man is stronger than empathy for a woman.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree with you here, Jennie. This is a valid point. Everyone of us is a single, human being and we are all connected in our humanity. To argue that an OW should show empathy where a BS should not is absurd.

 

The same goes for compassion and forgiveness. One cannot expect it from someone, if they are not willing to give it.

 

 

Why would a BS be in need of forgiveness from an AP?

[jennie-jennie]

I agree with you here, Jennie. This is a valid point. Everyone of us is a single, human being and we are all connected in our humanity. To argue that an OW should show empathy where a BS should not is absurd.

 

The same goes for compassion and forgiveness. One cannot expect it from someone, if they are not willing to give it.

 

Exactly.

.

[bentnotbroken]

I am saying that it is as absurd to expect the OW to respect and empathise with the BS as to expect the BS to respect and empathise with the OW. Love for a man is stronger than empathy for a woman.

 

 

 

 

What about empathy for his family? His love for him stronger than the what will happen to his family? Sometimes that woman gave birth to his children.

[Sidtheskid]

An affair is not a marriage. And whether you believe in marriage or not, the person you are involved with did believe in it enough to engage in one. Since we're discussing absurdity, to say that an affair (something that many would say isn't even a real relationship) should be respected and empathy owed equal to a marriage is about the most absurd thing I've ever read.

 

Those of you with daughters are going to tell them that they should respect and empathize with the OW if their BF/H cheats on them? That the OW's relationship to their BF/H is equal to theirs? Wow, ok.

 

It seems sad then that neither relationship holds much value.

 

What is absurd is the insistance that there is no love in an affair. Love is love whether you have spent $10,000 on a wedding or not, yk? Love cannot be bargained for. All relationships are real.

 

Empathy is owed because we are human, not because we have a hierarchy of love. That is absurd.

[jennie-jennie]

What about empathy for his family? His love for him stronger than the what will happen to his family? Sometimes that woman gave birth to his children.

 

Don't make me go there, bent. In my country children are considered to be as well of whether they live with both their biological parents or not. The children would have absolutely no impact on whether I chose to have a relationship with a man or not.

[jennie-jennie]

What is absurd is the insistance that there is no love in an affair. Love is love whether you have spent $10,000 on a wedding or not, yk? Love cannot be bargained for. All relationships are real.

 

Empathy is owed because we are human, not because we have a hierarchy of love. That is absurd.

 

I couldn't have said it better.