A tiny bit of progress....

[Autumn_Zephyr]

It's been difficult in the last five or so days. I've opened open to some of my friends about what's going on in my marriage. I opened to some good friends at church and just about lost it. I had not been anywhere near crying until then. The reality of this situation has hit me full force. I cannot stay in a fog and expect things to change.

 

I talked to my stbx Monday. I put the nix to the house hunting. I don't see the point of getting a house and still get divorced. I'm not money grubbing. I established some boundaries for myself. I don't want to be touched or tickled or played with. He does not have those rights to be that friendly with me any more.

 

He had already told me not to tease him if I wasn't giving it up and I accepted that. At first he told me seeing me nude wasn't a turn on but the next day he told that he was wrong, that it is a turn on, after I came out of the shower nude like I always do. I still feel insulted by that. Now I'm sleeping fully covered for the first time in ten years. But he had felt it was okay not to respect the same for me. I had to spell it out for him. He didn't get that type of familiarly is emotional intimacy for me. Making me laugh and smile goes a long way in getting me into bed.

 

Thanksgiving has been cancelled, no need to pretend it a family affair and all is happy. Looks like we will be going out to eat instead. I feel weird about that. I'm half tempted to just take the kids and go over to a friends house for Thanksgiving instead. Just not real sure what to think or do about this. Not sure what to feel either. I'm not liking this look of future holidays.

 

I took him to task over the 'tinkerbell hentai". I don't buy his explanation completely. Just because I was shocked that the old Peter Pan movie showed Tinkerbells under-roos is not reason in my book to look up "tinkerbell hentai". I was able to calmly tell him that I expected him to stay away from all incest porn, all lolita and lolicon porn, and all porn dealing with Disney characters and anything related to what the girls may be into. He said the he didn't see what the problem was but he did agree. I have no trust that once I or he moves out that he'll keep to this agreement.

 

He said he'd move out once I get a job. I don't want this trailer. It's not finished and I don't see how I'll be able to afford to continue fixing it. He doesn't understand that. I want to be able to move out and have a place that I don't have to worry about fixing or burning down because of the heater we have. We don't have central heating but are using oil filled radiators for heat. I don't want to worry about how to cut the grass having two little ones. I don't want this place that I can't take care of alone.

 

He said that he'll do what I want about custody. Still trying to figure out visitation arrangements. I'm lost on that. How do we co-parent when I just want to get away from him? I'm realising I'm going to have to co-parent with him.

 

Part of me believes him. He says he's embarrassed and ashamed for what he's done. He's hurt that he broke our marriage beyond repair. I will not trust him again. I can not even tell him how to gain that back. I don't want to trust him. He said that he's lost everything, his family and his kids. And all I can think is how selfish he is still being. I don't know how I bit my tongue.

 

I wanted to tell him, what about what I'm losing. I'm losing a husband, although not the best man in the world but I'm still losing him, I'm losing my home, I'm losing any chance of having another child, I'm losing my family, I'm losing my bf, I'm losing the future I had wanted and imaged. I'm not going to be able to re-marry. How in the world could I trust another man to not be a child molesting perv? I'll be single with two little girls. I know I can't do that, I can't risk that. I'm looking at a bleak sexless future. I feel like I'm losing more than him.

 

He's going to be single but paying child support. He won't have two kids to deal with every day. He gets a chance to start over but I don't. And I'm angry about this. I'm angry at him. Yesterday, I felt hate for him. I hate him. I hate that he's done this. I hate that it's gotten this far. Infidelity I dealt with but this is a deal breaker.

 

The one thing I wanted was to be put first, that my emotions and needs in this matter to be put first. And all I see is that he's still a selfish self-centred person. If he done that, we wouldn't be looking at divorce now. It sucks.

 

Just call me Autumn.