My girlfriend lied about being a virgin, and I lost mine to her. Completely betrayed

[Toddmills]

I have been dating a girl for one year two months, she is 18, and I am 20. I am an attractive guy, and have had many opportunities to have sex before this relationship, but I always believed that sex is something that should be experienced only in marriage, and I still believe this.

 

As our relationship grew, we became closer and closer to each other, and we both fell in love with each other, I honestly thought I had found the girl I was going to marry. However, as time passed, we became more and more physical with each other, and September of this year, we had sex. Prior to having sex, I had asked her multiple times throughout our relationship if she had ever had sex, and every single time she would say that she had not, and that she was a virgin.

 

About a week after we had sex, I asked her again, she got real quiet and said that she had to tell me something, she went on to tell me that when she was 16 she had sex with her boyfriend of five months. She said that they broke up shortly thereafter, and that they only did it once, and that she just laid there, and that she just turned over on her side and cried afterwards because of how bad she felt about what she had done. She said that for a year after, she struggled to get over it, and that she had considered herself a virgin when we had sex. But because she lied to me about being a virgin in the first place, and don't really know if I can believe that they only had sex once,(just writing this makes my stomach hurt) or that she was just infatuated with him, as she claims, rather than in love with him.

 

This completely broke my heart, I can't accurately describe how I feel, but it's a feeling of betrayal, anger, jealousy and just utter disappointment. I get a litteral physical pain in my stomach when I think about it. It really tears me up that she shared this bond with someone else, that someone else was inside of her, it just kills me. And then the fact that she lied to me so many times about it, hurts as well. She knew how important this was to me because I told her several times in the couple weeks before we had sex of how important this experience we were going to share was, and how important it was that she tell me if she had ever been with another guy.

 

For the past two months I have been struggling with my emotions over this, and I guess what I came here to ask is, should I just break up with her, or try to work through this? I dont know if I can trust anything she says.

[Mad Max]

Dump her. She knew how you felt and intentionally deceived you. Small lies only lead to bigger lies.

[tb24]

To me, the issue is not that she wasn't a virgin, it's that she lied about it.

 

Would you have cared if she wasn't? Did that come across to her? Did she think she'd lose you if you didn't think she was a virgin?

 

 

I'm just trying to work out her motive for lying. If you can work that out then perhaps you'll have a better idea of whether she'd do it again.

[refurb]

I can understand why you're upset.

 

She obviously knew how important it was to you, but lied anyways.

 

Let me ask this, is there anything else wrong in the relationship? Has she lied about other things?

 

Does she share the same values about sex as you? Do you believe her story?

 

It's a crappy thing to do, but I can understand why a young girl would lie about something like that. If the relationship is pretty solid otherwise, I'd try and work it out.

 

RF

[sally4sara]

That she lied is crappy. I would feel betrayed too.

 

But you had your own standard concerning sex (the when and with whom) and deviated away from it once you had emotions invested. Perhaps now you can see that someone can act on love and still be "special" despite not being a virgin till marriage? I assure you, you are still special even though you lost your cherry. And not just because you were lied to.

 

I hope so, because now you will have something to confess to whomever you marry if they have the same ideals you previously held.

[xpaperxcutx]

I agree with tb24, I think you're more upset by her lies than by her not being a virgin.

 

I know there are individuals who hold their virginity as sacred and sometimes even the ones who lost it the first time around regret about losing it in the first place. I think you need to look at this more objectively and see it from her point of view.

 

Do you value her as a person or do you value her because of her virginity?

 

I truly think she regrets having lied and I doubt she actually compared her ex with you.

 

If you can look past this lie and learn to communicate with her about the need for honesty, I truly think you can make this relationship work. Not everything is black and white

Edited November 24, 2010 by xpaperxcutx

[BobSacamento]

Her sexual past is none of your business. She should have dumped you for even asking.

[irc333]

Her sexual past is none of your business. She should have dumped you for even asking.

 

The stupidest comment of the year post. He should MAKE it his business if he's going to be having sex with her.

[BobSacamento]

The stupidest comment of the year post. He should MAKE it his business if he's going to be having sex with her.

 

Thanks

[Mad Max]

Her sexual past is none of your business. She should have dumped you for even asking.

 

 

She lost that right once she lied.

[BobSacamento]

She lost that right once she lied.

 

She lied because she wanted to compensate for this guy's obvious insecurity. We are judging her for lying, why not judge him for putting her in that position...

 

No pun intended

[Mad Max]

She lied because she wanted to compensate for this guy's obvious insecurity. We are judging her for lying, why not judge him for putting her in that position...

 

No pun intended

 

 

How is he insecure? Because he'd rather lose his virginity to someone that was a virgin as well? Her lying is not justified in any way. He didnt put her in any position. She had the option of telling the truth and chose not to. Her fault and her fault only.

[xpaperxcutx]

She lied because she wanted to compensate for this guy's obvious insecurity. We are judging her for lying, why not judge him for putting her in that position...

 

No pun intended

 

Agreed. I don't condone dishonesty but it's clearly jumping the gun to shun a girl for not being virgin.

[Mad Max]

Agreed. I don't condone dishonesty but it's clearly jumping the gun to shun a girl for not being virgin.

 

 

Her not being a virgin isn't the issue. Had she said "No I am not a virgin", the OP may or may not have continued the relationship, but I'm sure he would have respected her for being honest.

 

The girl's virginity(or lack there of) is not the issue here. The issue was her lying and intentionally deceiving the OP.

[BobSacamento]

How is he insecure? Because he'd rather lose his virginity to someone that was a virgin as well? Her lying is not justified in any way. He didnt put her in any position. She had the option of telling the truth and chose not to. Her fault and her fault only.

 

Why would it matter if she was a virgin or not?

[quankanne]

I think you're turning a molehill into a mountain. She obviously had a bad experience being dumped by the guy she trusted her virginity to years before, and considered herself virginal because she didn't sleep around between you and him. Lying is never a good thing, but look at the bigger picture: She was chaste.

 

however, this seems to be a huge dealbreaker for you, and that's your prerogative. Maybe you should dump her for not only being a tramp, but a LYING tramp. You deserve better than this ... as does she.

[Mad Max]

Why would it matter if she was a virgin or not?

 

 

Because it was obviously something he felt strongly about. OP waited to lose his virginity and his GF led him to believe she was a virgin when she really wasn't. Again, virginity isn't the issue. The issue is the fact that when asked several times, she claimed she was a virgin, meaning she was lying each time when asked. If she's lying this early, it will not stop. Small lies lead to bigger lies.

[irc333]

Thanks

 

No need to thank me, it was not a compliment.

[xpaperxcutx]

Her not being a virgin isn't the issue. Had she said "No I am not a virgin", the OP may or may not have continued the relationship, but I'm sure he would have respected her for being honest.

 

The girl's virginity(or lack there of) is not the issue here. The issue was her lying and intentionally deceiving the OP.

 

 

 

 

The whole point of this thread is about her " virginity", the lie simply made it worse. Otherwise, his reaction wouldn't be one of disgust. The OP even stated -

 

I told her several times in the couple weeks before we had sex of how important this experience we were going to share was-

 

so obviously their "virginity" played a significant role in this.

 

I'm sorry that the OP felt betrayed, but if a simple matter of being " chaste" and " pure" is such a big issue, then maybe they shouldn't be together.

[810]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Lying/concealing things are never good in a relationship.

 

This completely broke my heart, I can't accurately describe how I feel, but it's a feeling of betrayal, anger, jealousy and just utter disappointment.

 

jealousy is the cause for feeling betrayed, angry and disappointed.

 

what are you jealous of?

 

that another guy got what you didn't get? do you love her because of her or because of her virginity.

 

re-evaluate yourself and what you want in a relationship/courtship before you decide whether you should continue or enter a relationship.

[Mad Max]

The whole point of this thread is about her " virginity", the lie simply made it worse. Otherwise, his reaction wouldn't be one of disgust. The OP even stated -

 

I told her several times in the couple weeks before we had sex of how important this experience we were going to share was-

 

so obviously their "virginity" played a significant role in this.

 

I'm sorry that the OP felt betrayed, but if a simple matter of being " chaste" and " pure" is such a big issue, then maybe they shouldn't be together.

 

 

No, lying is the issue. The thread title specifically says that the GF lied. The title isn't "My girlfriend is a virgin". The title is "My girlfriend lied about being a virgin".

 

And no, they shouldn't be together. OP deserves someone that will be honest.

 

Question OP- if your girlfriend was honest about not being a virgin from the very beginning, would you still have stayed with her?

[BobSacamento]

Because it was obviously something he felt strongly about. OP waited to lose his virginity and his GF led him to believe she was a virgin when she really wasn't. Again, virginity isn't the issue. The issue is the fact that when asked several times, she claimed she was a virgin, meaning she was lying each time when asked. If she's lying this early, it will not stop. Small lies lead to bigger lies.

 

Him asking the question is the issue, as I stated. It's not an appropriate question. He should have never asked her in the first place.

[Mad Max]

Him asking the question is the issue, as I stated. It's not an appropriate question. He should have never asked her in the first place.

 

 

No it's not. If the OP wanted a virgin GF, he had every right to expect it. It doesn't mean he was going to get it, but if that's what he wanted and considering he waited to lose his virginity, he did nothing wrong. His GF obviously knew it was important to him, yet lied anyway.

 

The GF is 100% at fault.

[BobSacamento]

No need to thank me, it was not a compliment.

 

Thanks for your contribution. So far you have been very insightful. Keep it up!

[irc333]

Keep it up!

 

That's what she said.