I think d-day #2 is around the corner

[JustWannaStop]

I totally get this, JWS. Those moments one can be so lucid, then whammo! back into the craziness.

 

Eventually, though, you may want to expand that minute into hours, into days, into weeks, into a future!

 

Best wishes.

 

I always feel stronger after IC but then I let my mind wander or he emails me or vice versa and then my resolve goes in the crapper

[JustWannaStop]

I don't think hes much worth it for the wife and you even if you did end up with him you would be cheated on when he got bored.Plus how would you be able to trust.This hurts you I'm sure but can you emanation the pain his wife feels I guarantee that their marriage is suffering already.You might be surprised she very well could tell him she has had enough.Move on now and save yourself from more heartache.Good Luck

 

He told me that things kinda sour when we are involved. As good a picture he paints I don't think it's all that peachy. I could never trust him if we were together. I'd always be wondering if he was doing the same thing to me that he did to her. And chances are he would be. If I think I hurt now it's nothing compared to how I'll feel if we are together for awhile and he cheats on me.

[fooled once]

You're such a bundle of love, Bent!!

 

Why not elaborate so your post is something other than a dig?

 

 

That sure sounded like a dig to me.

 

Geez, her post didn't sound like a dig to me.

 

If anything - MAYBE a 2nd DDay will give the wife a chance to examine why SHE stays with such a loser and makes her realize SHE deserves better.

 

Wasn't there just a thread, that you participate in, on respect to each other?

 

Why the need to immediately jump to a conclusion (which turned out to be an ERRONEOUS conclusion)?

 

Maybe apologize to Bent for believing the worst and accusing her of making a dig?

[Silly_Girl]

 

 

 

Geez, her post didn't sound like a dig to me.

 

It wouldn't have done

 

-snip-

 

Why the need to immediately jump to a conclusion (which turned out to be an ERRONEOUS conclusion)?

 

Maybe apologize to Bent for believing the worst and accusing her of making a dig?

 

Bent said: "Here's praying the crap is about to hit the fan"

 

Yep. That's a dig, in my view - as I said. Not erroneous, it was a not-nice, not supportive comment with no background. No reason offered behind it, it could be wishing ill will on the opening poster arbitrarily, or just for rubbish to hit all parties... It had no rationale. When I asked, Bent DID provide a rationale; I've no need to apologise, we've wrapped it up. Done.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent said: "Here's praying the crap is about to hit the fan"

 

Yep. That's a dig, in my view - as I said. Not erroneous, it was a not-nice, not supportive comment with no background. No reason offered behind it, it could be wishing ill will on the opening poster arbitrarily, or just for rubbish to hit all parties... It had no rationale. When I asked, Bent DID provide a rationale; I've no need to apologise, we've wrapped it up. Done.

 

 

It was SUPPORTIVE of the fact that a d-day would aid the BS. I SUPPORT the fact that she NEEDS to know what the other two know in order to make an informed decision about HER life.

 

And I DID NOT wish ill will on anyone. You are right you have no need to apologize, cause I sure in the hell have no intent in doing so when I mean what I say.

[Silly_Girl]

It was SUPPORTIVE of the fact that a d-day would aid the BS. I SUPPORT the fact that she NEEDS to know what the other two know in order to make an informed decision about HER life.

 

And I DID NOT wish ill will on anyone. You are right you have no need to apologize, cause I sure in the hell have no intent in doing so when I mean what I say.

 

Bent, your intentions are good, your posting style is curt and sometimes hostile. Especially hard for new posters. If you explained your thinking behind some of your one-line posts it may result in the OP having more respect for your advice and may help them to see where you're coming from.

 

To a newbie that post is a jab by a bitter BS. It has much more depth and meaning when you explain where it's coming from and why.

[JustWannaStop]

Bent, your intentions are good, your posting style is curt and sometimes hostile. Especially hard for new posters. If you explained your thinking behind some of your one-line posts it may result in the OP having more respect for your advice and may help them to see where you're coming from.

 

To a newbie that post is a jab by a bitter BS. It has much more depth and meaning when you explain where it's coming from and why.

 

If I may, I didn't think her post was hostile or mean. I guess there is a history here I'm not aware of? I welcome all input though even if it seems harsh. Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving today.

[Silly_Girl]

My MM got caught about 6 months ago and I think that he is about to be caught again. Too many people at work know about us and I just found out that a friend of his wife works for our company although she works in a different location. The wife decided to go to dinner with this friend last night after not having done so in about 5 years. Things are just weird and I have a bad feeling that the sh*t's gonna hit the fan again. I wish he would have told me that his wife's friend works here. I would have insisted we be more discreet. Not sure what to do other than hunker down and wait for it.

He isn't concerned. He's either dumb, in denial or he wants to get caught.

JWS

 

Well when we started the affair I was his manager - bad, bad move on my part but I didn't care. I don't know if my job is in jeopadry or not. I have a new one lined up so I guess I'm again not too concerned. I've been in "eff it" mode for about the last 2 years since my divorce.

After DDay1, I took a leave of absence from work to deal with my emotions over being thrown under the bus. I came back and two weeks later we started up again, despite his claims that he is happy and his wife has drastically changed and is "like a new woman". They are supposed to start MC in a couple of weeks but I don't know if they will last that long. I just hope she doesn't come to work to confront me.

 

Here's praying that the crap is about to hit the fan.

 

I didn't take Bent's post to be mean at all. In fact, I thought it was one of the more encouraging posts.

 

I obviously had my 'encouragement' sensor turned right down that day.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, your intentions are good, your posting style is curt and sometimes hostile. Especially hard for new posters. If you explained your thinking behind some of your one-line posts it may result in the OP having more respect for your advice and may help them to see where you're coming from.

 

To a newbie that post is a jab by a bitter BS. It has much more depth and meaning when you explain where it's coming from and why.

 

 

1) I have no intentions of explaining myself if I don't see the need to.

 

2)I give not a fat rat's azz whether I am respected by people I don't know.

 

3)I could care less if they see where I am coming from as long as I know where I am going.

 

4)The "newbie"can feel anyway they want because my opinions are what they are about a "newbie" they don't need to make sure I understand anything.

 

5) The depth of my posts is whatever it is; for whoever neeeds (or doesn't need)it to be.

 

But thanks ever so much for your genuine guided direction.

[JustWannaStop]

I didn't take Bent's post to be mean at all. In fact, I thought it was one of the more encouraging posts. The OP said that she was at her wits end and is actually hoping that things will come to light to help her end this self-destructive carousal ride she is on.

 

Bent's post was encouragement that the OP would get her wish.

 

Had the OP said "I love this man and never want his wife to find out..." I could see where it would seem bitter. But I don't think Bent would be so malicious.

 

I hope you are feeling better today, OP! I hope the crap hits the fan for you as well, but pray you come out of it a stronger person.

 

Thanks. I'm doing OK. Holidays are tough and he came to visit this morning which always leaves me feeling kinda used cuz I am being used! I will definitely let ya'll know what happens!

[JustWannaStop]

1) I have no intentions of explaining myself if I don't see the need to.

 

2)I give not a fat rat's azz whether I am respected by people I don't know.

 

3)I could care less if they see where I am coming from as long as I know where I am going.

 

4)The "newbie"can feel anyway they want because my opinions are what they are about a "newbie" they don't need to make sure I understand anything.

 

5) The depth of my posts is whatever it is; for whoever neeeds (or doesn't need)it to be.

 

But thanks ever so much for your genuine guided direction.

 

I am praying he gets caught. I'm tired of him getting away with this. I think that is why I have hung on for so long. I'm hoping he gets caught again. I do feel like a jerk for wanting that though.

I appreciate any and all posts - -sweet, neutral, harsh. I need them all !

[myname]

I am praying he gets caught. I'm tired of him getting away with this. I think that is why I have hung on for so long. I'm hoping he gets caught again. I do feel like a jerk for wanting that though.

I appreciate any and all posts - -sweet, neutral, harsh. I need them all !

 

Early on I sometimes thought yeah let him get caught, but after all the times it happened and things he then 'had' to do, and the worries I had about her coming to pay me a visit, I started to always be hoping he wouldn't get caught again.

[scatterd]

Yes bentnotbroken contributes a lot on here I think you will find she is a big help in her own way.Not everybody thinks the same thing on here which makes it special.

[steelknife]

I would say it's the bold...I just read that A's are passive ways in some cases of getting out of a M.

 

 

or to be caught to get out of the affair.

but im just so sad for you because youre in anticipation of another dday. my first (and only) just shattered me to the core. the pain and humiliation were in equal parts. the pain has considerably dulled since dday 6 weeks ago. but the humiliation has not.

 

but i do understand what you mean but being there and getting stuck. wanting to but can not end it or get out of it. ive been there- and maybe, just maybe, if he came crying coming back to after dday, MAYBE i would have taken him back. he didnt want to let me go, but i knew i could only stay if he chooses me. i needed that to gain my self respect and dignity JWS. im not saying that ive suddenly became an expert on this field, like all the rest, im also still searching for myself. the lessons ive learned from getting into an affair.

 

walking away is a conscious deliberate effort. i was already restless during the 26 mos affair bec i was not getting waht i wanted..but i would forget it as soon as he spends little time with me. but it gets pretty exhausting when my life is on hold and i drop everything for him, in case he calls.

but it hurt soooo much.

 

there are reasons for things that happen in our lives. at this point, i cant say i regret the affair. im not much into that since it has been done. but if i only knew i would be treated this way (thrown under the bus), i would not subject myself to this kind of torture.

 

i hope you can walk away now and end this. but i thnk youre in too deep. and if the first dday has not done it for you, then you should look into yourself deeply if this is want you really want for the rest of your life.

 

dont bother yourself with the goings ons in their marriage..he lies to you and lies to her. just concern yourself with whats going on between the to of you. and whats good for you. i pray you will find the strength to know what you want.

 

keep posting.

[JustWannaStop]

Early on I sometimes thought yeah let him get caught, but after all the times it happened and things he then 'had' to do, and the worries I had about her coming to pay me a visit, I started to always be hoping he wouldn't get caught again.

 

I think I want him to get caught cuz it will again force us to stop cuz he will again throw me under the bus, hand his ballz to her, and do anything he can to get her back.

As far as her confronting me, I just don't want her doing it at work. I'm not worried about her and will talk to her if she wants to. I'm not exactly dainty so I'm not worried about a physical confrontation, though I hope it would never get there. I'd just let her kick my @ss! Lol.

[jj33]

Just if you are feeling used, you need to set your boundaries. What are you, a japanese love hotel (beds by the hour?) tell him if he doesnt have more time than that not to bother. Its a two way street. You make an effort and allow him into your life and he needs to make the effort too.

 

And its really unfair to all concerned (i know I will be thought of as a reformed ow for this one but dont care).

 

You feel bad because hes being sleazy and you and his W are both on the wrong end of his conduct.

 

Hes been caught once, hes not bothered about being caught again (or he would be more discreet). My hunch is he is hoping he gets caught again so he wont have to make a decision he is waiting for you and his wife to fight over the puppy (him) or for one of you to walk away or its even possible hes so arrogant that he thinks he can get away with this forever.

 

You need to do what you think is best for you. If you think the cons outweigh the pros, and you are feeling used, then you need to change the rules of the relationship or you need to get out.

[JustWannaStop]

i was already restless during the 26 mos affair bec i was not getting waht i wanted..but i would forget it as soon as he spends little time with me. but it gets pretty exhausting when my life is on hold and i drop everything for him, in case he calls.

but it hurt soooo much.

 

there are reasons for things that happen in our lives. at this point, i cant say i regret the affair. im not much into that since it has been done. but if i only knew i would be treated this way (thrown under the bus), i would not subject myself to this kind of torture.

 

i hope you can walk away now and end this. but i thnk youre in too deep. and if the first dday has not done it for you, then you should look into yourself deeply if this is want you really want for the rest of your life.

 

dont bother yourself with the goings ons in their marriage..he lies to you and lies to her. just concern yourself with whats going on between the to of you. and whats good for you. i pray you will find the strength to know what you want.

 

keep posting.

 

Thank you for replying to my post. I am afraid I'm in too deep. I used to joke to him that I would need to go to rehab to get "off" of him and now I feel like that isn't too far fetched. I'm not getting my needs met and he knows this. I gripe to him about it and he just says "yet you keep contacting me" which is true. I pursue him. He doesn't pursue me which makes me feeling even more like sh*t than I already do. We have a date set to break up next Friday when he starts MC. I have tried to break things off several times already and he whines that he wants to be with me as long as possible and that I promised him I'd stay until MC starts and blah blah blah wah wah wah. I am just broken. I have never, ever felt so low and so hopeless. I feel as if I am giving up on myself in so many ways. The only thing that gives me hope right now is you and the other men and women on this board. you all understand what I am going through. Even BS's chiming in are helping me. I need all the help I can get from anyone who is willing to give it.

Thank you for caring.

[jj33]

Just, dont beat yourself up. Like anything else thats not good for you, you stop when you are ready to stop. Are you in IC? If this guy is saying you are contacting me he deserves a good slap or a kick in the balls as you walk away. You deserve better, even if you arent ready to leave. Sometimes we want them to be things that they arent. If hes not being really good to you, then good thing hes going into MC. When you get some distance you will heal.

[JustWannaStop]

Just if you are feeling used, you need to set your boundaries. What are you, a japanese love hotel (beds by the hour?) tell him if he doesnt have more time than that not to bother. Its a two way street. You make an effort and allow him into your life and he needs to make the effort too.

 

And its really unfair to all concerned (i know I will be thought of as a reformed ow for this one but dont care).

 

You feel bad because hes being sleazy and you and his W are both on the wrong end of his conduct.

 

Hes been caught once, hes not bothered about being caught again (or he would be more discreet). My hunch is he is hoping he gets caught again so he wont have to make a decision he is waiting for you and his wife to fight over the puppy (him) or for one of you to walk away or its even possible hes so arrogant that he thinks he can get away with this forever.

 

You need to do what you think is best for you. If you think the cons outweigh the pros, and you are feeling used, then you need to change the rules of the relationship or you need to get out.

 

Thank you JJ. I know that getting out is best for me and I have listed the pros and cons and there are few pros and many cons. I hope that once I move onto my new job and am away from him I'll be able to get out and stay out. It's so hard working with him and seeing him everyday. But I can't count on a new job "fixing" this. I have to believe I am worth fighting for. I need to fight for myself and save myself. I need to expend as much energy and emotion with my relationship with myself as I do with my relationship with him. I just need to know I'm worth being loved and adored by someone who is committed to only me. Not someone who gives me crumbs. I am starting to love myself a little I think. I think I'm trying to save myself. I took the step to start posting here after lurking for a year. I think I'm on the right path. I may take a wrong turn on occasion but hopefully I'll get back on track and someday arrive at a much better place.

 

Oh an by the way, I'm not going to fight for him. She can have him! He's not worth it.

[Pokemon]

I used to joke to him that I would need to go to rehab to get "off" of him and now I feel like that isn't too far fetched. I'm not getting my needs met and he knows this.

 

I promised him I'd stay until MC starts and blah blah blah wah wah wah. I am just broken. I have never, ever felt so low and so hopeless. I feel as if I am giving up on myself in so many ways.

Thank you for caring.

 

Firstly, if you need help to get out of it, find it. I went to my second session of therapy yesterday and my counselor said she thinks I'm almost over him already, making fast progress. You see - I was determined to be over it before he comes back chasing me again. I just HAVE to.

 

Secondly, I can't believe you even agreed to stay until he starts MC! I think it was July when my xMM told me he was starting MC. That was 1 week after he told me he wanted to be with me -forever-. I said "NO WAY" and bolted. I won't stand to be around MC, just cut my losses.

 

Maybe that's why when he pursued me again in August, he claimed he was in IC.. I believed it for the last 3 months when I was living with him, until I found out by accident that it was actually MC, just that they do it separately, then together later.

 

Please don't let this man, anyone, disrespect you like this. You are in pain because of it and it's heart breaking. Take the steps to make yourself strong and whole again. Happy Thanksgiving! (((hugs)))

[JustWannaStop]

Just, dont beat yourself up. Like anything else thats not good for you, you stop when you are ready to stop. Are you in IC? If this guy is saying you are contacting me he deserves a good slap or a kick in the balls as you walk away. You deserve better, even if you arent ready to leave. Sometimes we want them to be things that they arent. If hes not being really good to you, then good thing hes going into MC. When you get some distance you will heal.

 

Yes I am in IC and he is all I talk about each session =/ It is helping but not as much or as quickly as I hoped.

I do want him to be someone he is not. I had this image of him for so long but now I'm seeing him for what and who he is - a big jerk! It's hard to accept and I so badly want to deny what he really is (a jerk) but it's hard to deny something that's so painfully obvious. I'm starting to get pissed off anf that may be my saving grace. Anger tends to make me act because I can not stand feeling anger. I'm getting fed up and sick an tired of feeling like crap all the time.

[JustWannaStop]

Firstly, if you need help to get out of it, find it. I went to my second session of therapy yesterday and my counselor said she thinks I'm almost over him already, making fast progress. You see - I was determined to be over it before he comes back chasing me again. I just HAVE to.

 

Secondly, I can't believe you even agreed to stay until he starts MC! I think it was July when my xMM told me he was starting MC. That was 1 week after he told me he wanted to be with me -forever-. I said "NO WAY" and bolted. I won't stand to be around MC, just cut my losses.

 

Maybe that's why when he pursued me again in August, he claimed he was in IC.. I believed it for the last 3 months when I was living with him, until I found out by accident that it was actually MC, just that they do it separately, then together later.

 

Please don't let this man, anyone, disrespect you like this. You are in pain because of it and it's heart breaking. Take the steps to make yourself strong and whole again. Happy Thanksgiving! (((hugs)))

 

Hey Poke. You have come such a long way! I read your posts when you found out he was in MC. What an ahole! I don't know why I agreed to stick around. I regret it. I regret hooking up with him again. Luckily our break up date is next Friday so I don't have much longer. Having a date is so lame. I need to just cut him off now and start moving on. I feel strong today and can resist contacting him. Tomorrow is another day and I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Thank you and Happy Thanksgiving Day!

[Pokemon]

OMG, JWS, I can totally understand how you feel.

 

It's as if something's eating you up alive from the inside. Tolerating him being with wife and going to MC? I just can't! I knew I had to stop the feeling before it killed me! So I left because I didn't need his explanations anymore.

 

You have to get to the point where you WANT to stop the pain too!

 

Trust me, I feel so much better where I am at today. The first 7 days when I first left were pretty rough! I felt like a big ball of hurt walking around! But you have to just keep telling yourself that it will get better eventually, after you leave.

[JustWannaStop]

OMG, JWS, I can totally understand how you feel.

 

It's as if something's eating you up alive from the inside. Tolerating him being with wife and going to MC? I just can't! I knew I had to stop the feeling before it killed me! So I left because I didn't need his explanations anymore.

 

You have to get to the point where you WANT to stop the pain too!

 

Trust me, I feel so much better where I am at today. The first 7 days when I first left were pretty rough! I felt like a big ball of hurt walking around! But you have to just keep telling yourself that it will get better eventually, after you leave.

 

How long have you been free of him?

[Pokemon]

Day 10! And that says a lot. I don't know how long you will take to get to where I'm at, but numerous rough break ups with old relationships help, ALOT.

 

If a boat was sinking and me, MM and BS were on it, I will choose to save ME, not anyone else.